Chapter 23
Having the courage to follow your heart is brave, particularly when it takes you out of your comfort zone.
For me that was saying yes to Robert’s proposal, understanding that marrying him would take me away from London and all I’d known.
It would open up my life to new opportunities and a new way of thinking – a freedom I’d never had before.
Leaving behind my little sister was hard, but sometimes doing the right thing for yourself may not be the right thing for everyone.
If I could relive that time, I’d still make the same decision, even knowing the eventual outcome.
Extract from Joy’s journal
Tilly took the beer from Logan. Her heart had won over her head, along with the desire to kick back with her best friend rather than navigate the narrow, eight-mile lane back to the A-road at dusk.
Of course she’d noticed how handsome he was plenty of times in the past, but he’d never had a physical effect on her the way he did right now, with a smile full of hope and promise.
She tucked her hair behind her ear, pulled on a blanket and took a long swig of the beer. It was nearing eight and the sun would soon disappear.
They could see along the bay to The Old Post Office, its bright red roof the only colour. Beyond, Moy Castle was hidden by trees and she could make out Laggan beach’s sweep of pale sand where they’d walked earlier. She wondered if the Highland cows were still there.
‘This reminds me of wild camping in the Cairngorms.’ Tilly glanced at Logan. ‘Do you remember?’
‘Yeah, except it was less comfortable – only a couple of tents, camping stove and wild wees – and worse!’ He snorted.
‘We didn’t care about creature comforts back then.’
‘The same way we could party all night, crash for a couple of hours and still function the next day with an almighty hangover. Doing that now would kill me.’
Tilly wrinkled her nose. ‘The thing is, I kinda don’t want to live like that any longer, which makes me feel old.’
‘We have just turned thirty-five.’
‘Which isn’t old, that’s my point.’
‘Yeah, but wanting a proper loo and somewhere to get a wash is a reasonable request at any age. We just didn’t care when we were twenty.
We were young enough to go with the flow.
Perhaps we’re more sensible now and don’t want to slum it.
It comes with responsibility too. Back then, we had zero; now we have our own businesses, clients, bills, homes to pay for.
Responsibilities.’ He ruffled his fingers through Barney’s fur.
‘But I expected more, didn’t you?’
‘More of what?’
Tilly bit her lip and pulled the blanket tighter.
She didn’t know how to put into words how she was feeling when she wasn’t sure herself.
There was a heaviness lodged in her chest and an ache in her heart.
Her head was telling her she should be happier and more settled, that her personal life should match the success of her professional one, when society’s expectations were to follow the well-trodden path of marriage and kids.
She’d envisioned that for Logan, never herself, but how would she have felt if he had fallen in love and settled down?
How close would they be able to remain if he had a wife and a family?
Was that partly why none of her relationships had worked out, because she didn’t want anyone to put a wedge between her and Logan?
‘Tilly? More of what?’ Logan repeated.
Aware of how much her thoughts were spiralling, she turned to him.
The silver-tinged light of dusk caught the dips and angles of his face.
His full lips were pursed as he tilted his head in a way that suggested he was waiting for her to continue talking, when all she wanted to do was kiss him again.
‘Happiness,’ she said, because that was at the heart of everything. ‘I’d like more happiness in my life, but I’m not sure how to achieve it. I only know what I don’t want.’
Barney stretched, yawned and jumped up into the open campervan.
‘Maybe that’s a good place to start,’ Logan said as Barney settled back to sleep.
‘Finding a way to get rid of the negatives in your life, because I want that too – happiness, I mean. To recapture the freedom and joy I remember when we were wild camping and hosting dinner parties for our friends with questionably cooked food.’ His eyes roved across her face as if he was soaking her up too.
‘I’ve appreciated things more this last week by taking stock of where I am and what’s important.
I want to spend more time with you, because I’m happy when I’m around you. I always have been.’
Tilly stifled a sob, not because she was sad, but because his words hit her square in the chest, knocking the breath from her with their honesty.
In her heart, she reciprocated the sentiment because it was the truth for her too.
Logan made her happy and everything felt right when she was with him, and yet…
The tightness in her chest at the idea of telling him so, and what that would be admitting, scared her.
‘We can’t rehash the past because it wouldn’t be the same, not when we’re older and have changed,’ Tilly said slowly.
Logan’s jaw tightened a touch. ‘But being here is the happiest I’ve been in a long time.
It’s been good to pause and not constantly be thinking about buying and selling, or my next project and all the things I need to do.
It’s there in the background but not at the forefront of my mind. It’s been healthy to take time out.’
Logan tore his eyes away and settled back in his chair. He lifted the bottle to his lips and swigged the beer. ‘Being on Mull is wrapped in sadness because it’s not the same without Aunt Joy, but I’ve treasured this time with you.’
In the fading light, it was hard to make out his expression, but it was obvious the effect his words were having on her. How easy would it be to reach across, to take his face in her hands and kiss him. Not tentatively like they had by the loch, but with passionate intent.
His words had opened up a path to reciprocate because didn’t she feel the same way? She was already dreading what would happen when their time on Mull came to an end.
‘We shouldn’t go so long without seeing each other.’
‘Not so easy in practice,’ Logan said. ‘We live in different cities and until recently you were in a relationship that made it harder for us to get together.’
‘I’ve been distracted and wrapped up in too many things.’
‘It’s always the way, though, for both of us – other people getting in the way of what we want and how often we see each other.’
‘What are you trying to say, Logan?’
‘I don’t know.’ He downed the remainder of his beer and set the empty bottle on the grass. ‘Actually, I do. I’ve missed you – really missed you. It’s as simple as that.’
Tilly swallowed the lump in her throat. ‘I’ve missed you too.’
The emotion weaving between them was palpable. Away from their real lives, on Mull in a bubble, everything had been heightened, with Logan consumed by loss and Tilly still reeling from a failed relationship.
‘It is flipping freezing. Barney has the right idea.’ Logan nodded behind them to where Barney was asleep on the floor of the campervan, the subtle light spilling out through the open door inviting. ‘I’m heading inside.’
Missing each other was understandable, but was it more than that? What if it was because they’d struggled to live without each other? Being housemates was one thing, but longing for his company might also suggest that she wanted them to be more than just friends.
Tilly shivered. The blanket no longer warded off the cool night air.
She considered following Logan and retreating inside, except she was stalling, not ready to navigate a night together in her snug campervan.
So she remained outside, comfortable but cold, drinking another beer and watching the sky turn from silver-grey to midnight blue.
A chill breeze rolled off the ocean with the onset of darkness.
The upside to the clear night was the dark sky was decorated with so many stars it looked like it was dusted with silver glitter.
The combination of the moonlight-flecked sea and star-speckled night was magical.
Tilly was just about to retreat to the warmth when Logan appeared in the campervan doorway holding a cake with a handful of lit candles flickering in the dim light.
‘Happy birthday to you…’ Logan’s melodic voice made her smile and his grin warmed her despite her uncontrollable shivers. He stepped back to let her in. Barney looked completely at home, curled up on the floor, while Logan had already pulled out the seating area into a bed.
To Logan’s cheer, she blew out the candles and her worries were erased by cake and friendship.
They perched on the end of the bed together and ate chocolate fudge cake while reminiscing about previous birthdays.
They nipped to the onsite toilet before getting a wash and cleaning their teeth in the campervan’s sink.
Perhaps turning down the drink and making the effort to drive back to the house would have been the sensible idea, because as they stripped down to T-shirts and pants, it reminded Tilly of them playing strip poker all those years ago, but with less hilarity and people and a lot more anticipation and desire.
Having their own space and separate bedrooms would have been easier because her thoughts kept drifting to kissing him again, while wondering if it was wise to fan the flames of possibility.
They’d slept in the same room together, crashed at friends’ places on sofas and blow-up beds, shared a tent with friends at festivals, but they’d never shared a bed before and when they did eventually lie down, there wasn’t a breadth of space between them.
It was warm and quiet and painfully intimate, their breathing loud within the confines of the campervan, when outside the mountain and ocean location was peaceful, with only a couple of other campers sharing the wild beauty.
What if they could suspend reality for one night?
What if they could be more to each other than just friends and play with the desire that had rapidly grown for Tilly over the last few days without things becoming weird?
What if their friendship was the foundation of something truly beautiful – something that Joy had seen and had wanted them to cherish?
The attraction had always been there, Tilly realised, just in a different form, because of the desire to spend time with him, to talk, to share, to feel safe and secure when his arms were around her.
He was the person she was honest with and usually told everything to.
No amount of pretending would change the fact that she fancied her best friend like crazy.
After last night’s conversation at the pub, she knew he felt the same – he at least had had the guts to admit it.
It had been Logan’s suggestion to not drive back, Logan who had put the bottle of beer in her hand, yet she’d accepted it, well aware it would mean spending her birthday night snug in the campervan with just one bed.
Barney’s shadowy form landed with a thump on Tilly’s legs and made her jump. She shifted over, but there was nowhere to go besides closer to Logan.
‘Down, Barney,’ Logan grunted. ‘There’s no space.’
Barney’s solid form was pushed against Tilly’s legs on one side, while Logan’s chest was hot against her back, so close she could feel his heart thudding and the warmth of his thigh. Barney stubbornly ignored Logan’s command, settling against her legs instead.
Tilly froze. She was acutely aware of Logan’s heat, the caress of his breath and his familiar smell that reminded her of a woodland in autumn. The things that were usually a comfort were now an aphrodisiac.
Logan manoeuvred himself into a sitting position so he was propped up on his elbow as he tried to shift Barney onto the floor.
Tilly’s breath caught in her throat as her best friend loomed over her.
She was captivated by the pulsing beat in the hollow of his neck and her eyes lingered on his tensed bicep which was decorated with scratches from battling with brambles.
The moonlight slipped through a gap in the blind, highlighting his cheekbones and sensual lips, making her want to reach up and run her hand across his stubble, to trace a finger over his muscled shoulders and place a tender kiss on the scratches and bruises he’d collected.
All she could hear was her blood pumping.
Logan’s ragged breathing sounded equally panicked.
It was suddenly unseasonably hot in the campervan.
Barney jumped down with a snort. Tilly could hear him circling the floor as he attempted to find a comfortable position.
Logan watched him, while her eyes remained on him, drifting from his throat to the white of his T-shirt tight against his chest. She wondered what it would be like to plant kisses in more places than just his lips, his neck, his arms, his chest…
What if they could cast aside their history and friendship and have one night to see how it would feel? To see how much they liked it.
Tilly answered her own question by taking Logan’s face in her hands and pulling him on top of her.