Chapter 25 #2
Technically Ivor was retired and the farm was now a smallholding with just sheep in the two fields visible from Loch View House, and some chickens, but you could never really retire when there were animals to look after and constantly things to do.
As Logan strolled through the long grass and joined Ivor at the fence, he did wonder how he was coping with the animals, the daily jobs and the loneliness.
The person he’d loved had been taken from him, yet to everyone else he’d only been a friend and a neighbour.
Logan understood how it felt to love someone from afar.
Logan leaned his arms on the rough wood of the fence.
A dozen sheep were grazing, and there were a couple of lambs pushing beneath their mothers, with their fluffy tails bopping from side to side.
The fence continued the length of Ivor’s land, eventually meeting the garden fence of Loch View House beyond the trees, the place Ivor and Joy used to talk.
‘Màiri said you don’t want to come tomorrow.’
‘I’m not one for being sociable,’ Ivor said gruffly. ‘A party was my wife’s domain; I’d have been content to never see anyone. Joy liked that sort of thing as well. She often had friends over and held dinner parties.’
‘But didn’t she include you in those?’
Ivor grunted. ‘She would make me come, aye.’
‘The same way she would want you to be there tomorrow.’
‘She’s not going to know whether I go or not, so why bother?’
Logan stared towards the loch. There was a bird of prey flying high, a dark shadow against the white-streaked sky.
It was too far away to make out what it was.
Aunt Joy would have known. ‘You really believe that? That she’s not looking down, wanting us to be happy and continue living?
If you don’t want to do it for yourself or even Joy, then do it for Màiri who wants you there, not just to keep her company, but because she knows it’ll do you good. You’ll regret it if you don’t.’
Ivor grunted. He gripped the top of the wooden fence.
His skin was weather-worn and speckled with freckles and age spots.
His knuckles were split and cracked, suggesting the hard physical life he led.
Logan wished he’d done more for Ivor. He hadn’t checked in on him enough.
He’d been so wrapped up in his own grief, he hadn’t considered anyone else’s.
‘The only person Joy would want there besides me is you, Ivor.’
Ivor glanced at him sharply, his bloodshot eyes watery.
‘I mean that. Tomorrow won’t be the same without you, so will you come?’ Logan waited a beat before saying, ‘You’ll have a lot of blueberry muffins to eat if you don’t.’
A glimmer of a smile tugged at Ivor’s lips. ‘Aye, I’ll come. Only for a bit, mind.’
‘We’ll be glad to see you.’ Logan pushed away from the fence. ‘I’ll go tell Màiri.’
She’d obviously been watching them because by the time he’d crossed the grass, she was in the kitchen doorway looking at him expectantly.
‘He’s agreed to come.’
Màiri nodded. ‘Thank you.’
‘And you’re okay about tomorrow?’ Logan took a deep breath and ploughed on. ‘I know the way things ended between us wasn’t the greatest—’
‘That’s an understatement.’
‘But Joy would want you there as much as Ivor. She always had a soft spot for you because of the way you took care of him.’
Màiri sucked in a deep breath and a tear ran down her cheek. She swiped the back of her hand across her face.
‘If you’re concerned because she’ll be there, then don’t worry, I got over you a long time ago. I’ve refused to think about the what-could-have-been.’ She held up her hand and pointed to her wedding ring. ‘I’ve moved on. I’ll be there to honour and celebrate Joy, that is all.’
Logan pursed his lips, knowing that the potential for an awkward situation was brewing, when Tilly wasn’t fully aware that Màiri blamed her for the way things had ended between them.
It was probably best to keep them apart, which would be easy enough when neither of them would be rushing to speak to one another. But guilt ate away at him.
‘The way we ended, I went about it in completely the wrong way. I should have been honest with you, but it was easier to use Tilly as an excuse instead of having a difficult conversation. Tilly was the reason I left Mull when I did, but I promise you back then we were only friends. I didn’t leave you for her in the way you think. ’
‘You may as well have done.’ Màiri folded her arms. ‘You didn’t need to say anything for me to know your heart wasn’t in us, but I was pretty blinkered back then and struggling.
’ Her eyes slipped away from his as her fingers toyed with the sleeve of her jumper.
‘You did what I wanted to do – escape. That hurt almost as much as you dumping me. But the past is behind us,’ she sighed.
‘My only concern is Dad and how he’s coping.
He’s grieving, Logan, harder than he feels he should be, which is ridiculous.
He’s bottling everything up because I don’t think he feels his grief is valid. ’
‘Of course it is.’
‘Then help him to understand that,’ Màiri stressed. ‘He needs to have an outlet and a way of validating how he feels. I have no idea how best to support him.’
* * *
The conversation with Màiri played on Logan’s mind as he walked back to the house.
He didn’t go inside straight away, but strolled through the garden listening to the rumble of the lawnmower and the breeze rustling through the trees.
He reached the bench where both Tilly and Aunt Joy had spent time writing their journals and sat down.
Even though it had been a dry day, it was cold and damp.
Patches of moss decorated the silvery wood and despite a jacket, he shivered in the shade.
Yet the view of the long grasses rippling in the light breeze to the cool-blue loch was worth it.
Across the water, the dusky cream and green tones of the hills were magical, the whole landscape soothing and beautiful.
Within the garden, swifts dipped and dived and a horse snorted in a neighbouring field.
His aunt needed to be laid to rest and Logan needed to move on.
Ivor did too. They both needed closure, which wouldn’t end their grief, but it would hopefully enable them to move forward, although Ivor would still remain alone and isolated.
Finally, Logan understood how to honour his aunt and where she’d be at peace. He also knew what to do about Loch View House.