Chapter 27
Regret is the destroyer of joy.
Extract from Joy’s journal
After his emotional speech, Logan went straight over to greet Ivor and Màiri.
Tilly headed in the opposite direction as there was no reason to join him – Joy wasn’t her relative and she and Logan weren’t together.
She wasn’t sure what they were to each other; something messy and undefined that they were skirting round the edges of because there hadn’t been time to talk since their night in the campervan.
Over the next hour, Tilly topped up people’s drinks and chatted to the guests, all of whom had a story about Joy, painting a rich picture of her life on the island, from sharing her love of growing vegetables with the WI to volunteering at the museum in Tobermory.
Despite Tilly attempting to avoid the neighbours, she was taken by surprise when Màiri strode towards her in baby-blue trousers and a blouse with a chunky cardigan thrown over the top.
She looked smart and grown-up in a way that Tilly rarely felt about herself.
She tended to live in paint-splattered dungarees and favoured comfort over style; she’d always had an edgy, tomboyish look, but it had worked better when she was younger.
Although she scrubbed up well when she put her mind to it.
Today she was in wide-legged pink trousers with an orange stripe running down the sides and a white T-shirt, managing to be stylish and relaxed, while injecting colour into the proceedings. Joy would have liked that.
‘Well, here’s the piece of shit woman Logan left me for.’ Màiri’s eyes blazed with animosity, but there was an edge of amusement too in her hissed words. At least she’d chosen to confront her when they were a good distance from anyone.
‘I have no idea what you’re talking about.
’ Except Tilly did; she’d pieced it together from Joy’s journal.
Logan hadn’t been committed to Màiri, and he’d used Tilly as an excuse to leave Mull, which had ended their relationship and broken Màiri’s heart.
They had been innocent of cheating, but Logan had chosen Tilly over his girlfriend.
‘Oh don’t give me that bullshit!’ Màiri scoffed and folded her arms. ‘You shouted “help” and Logan came running right into your arms, leaving me in the lurch.’
‘That’s not what happened. He offered to help me out. Said he’d made the decision to move back to Edinburgh. I assumed you’d already split up. Absolutely nothing happened between us.’
Màiri shrugged. ‘I know, Logan told me yesterday.’
‘Then why…’ Tilly trailed off. She took a deep breath of cool air to compose herself. ‘Why say anything now?’
‘Because I’ve waited goodness knows how many years to get that off my chest.’ Màiri walked away and took one of the mown paths through the long meadow grass. She paused and glanced back.
Tilly sighed and followed her.
‘I got over Logan ages ago, but at the time, I was young and hurting. You were the woman I could never live up to – not only were you his best friend, but you had his heart without even trying.’ She ran her fingers through the long grass as they strolled.
‘I knew he had feelings for you the weekend I stayed with you all in Edinburgh. I tried to convince myself that it didn’t matter and we’d be okay, but a relationship can’t survive when one person’s heart’s not in it. ’
‘I didn’t know back then that, um… that he had feelings for me. And I didn’t ask him for help, he offered—’
‘You know that doesn’t make it any better that he voluntarily left me.’ Màiri snorted. ‘When you see a future and the other person doesn’t, it’s hard and ultimately futile. We were always going to end, it was just a question of how and when.’
They reached the fence that overlooked Ivor’s sheep field at the far side of the meadow. The cropped grass sloped down to the loch, where the dark rippling water danced in the sunlight.
‘I don’t think he took the decision lightly.
’ Tilly rested her arms along the top of the fence.
‘You were the longest relationship he’s ever had.
And he talked a lot about you, which he’s never done with anyone else, at least not positively.
Leaving Mull to help me out may have been the deciding factor, but he always was going to leave.
He loved living with Joy, but in Edinburgh he could pursue a creative career. ’
‘I get that, but I was jealous because I wanted to leave Mull too. I would have gone with Logan in a heartbeat, but I couldn’t do it on my own. I couldn’t leave Dad for no reason. Logan was my reason, which makes it sound like I was using him, but I did see a future for us.’
‘And it was never his intention to hurt you. He’s never led anyone on. He’d rather have a short relationship than be in one for the sake of it.’
‘You know why that is?’ Màiri’s nostrils flared.
She leaned an elbow on the fence and didn’t wait for an answer.
‘No relationship has ever lasted because none of them are you. We would never have worked out. I know that now, but it doesn’t stop me from being bitter about his timing.
But perhaps that heartbreak set me on a path that I wouldn’t have had the guts to follow otherwise.
It was a lesson to stand on my own two feet and work towards what I wanted, instead of following a partner.
’ She looked wistful. ‘Although recently I have considered if that has backfired too.’
‘What do you mean?’
Màiri paused and ran her hands down her trousers.
‘My husband and I are going through a tough time because we want different things. Even though we love each other and are on an even footing financially and career-wise, it doesn’t mean the relationship isn’t hard work.
My life is in Inverness – that’s where I moved a year after Logan split up with me.
I still have heaps of guilt about leaving Dad here alone.
But I needed to live my life and be somewhere else for a while.
Maybe I would have returned to Mull, but my career took off and I met my husband, so I ended up staying.
Now we’re juggling a long-distance relationship because my husband got a job opportunity in Manchester and I refused to move with him.
’ She breathed deeply and shook her hand like she was trying to rid herself of her sadness.
‘I’m already too far away from my dad and with my brother living abroad, I feel responsible. ’
‘But surely that can’t come at the expense of your marriage?’
Màiri looked at her wryly. ‘Oh, I’m not quite as angelic as I’m making out.
I don’t want to move even further away from Dad, but I also don’t want to live in Manchester.
Scotland is my home. Mull was home for twenty-five years.
I almost certainly won’t come back here to live, but I don’t want to move further south and I definitely don’t want to live in a city.
I grew up here surrounded by all this’ – she swept her hand towards the loch and mountains – ‘and we had the freedom that came with it. I want that for my own children, although that seems way off when me and my husband aren’t even living together. ’
‘What’s the answer?’
‘Compromise.’ She exhaled deeply. ‘How we go about it is the question. And not just for me and my husband, but Dad too. Compromise is inevitable unless you’re either lucky or selfish. I also love my husband. Logan’s in the past, but I still don’t feel as if I’ve got my happy ever after.’
‘I’m not sure many people do.’ Tilly gestured towards the house.
‘Joy didn’t, at least not in the way she hoped, even though she made a life for herself here and found peace and contentment.
’ Tilly gripped the fence and watched the lambs frolicking on the grass.
‘My ex-boyfriend accused me of being selfish for putting my career ahead of our relationship, then he had an affair. Blamed me for his bad choices.’
‘He sounds like the selfish one.’
‘Try telling him that.’ Tilly sighed. ‘If you and your husband love each other, it sounds like you’ll have a chance of working things out.’
‘Aye, I hope so, it’s just we want different things and we have to figure out where the compromise fits in.’
They fell silent, watching the lambs and soaking up the peace of the whispering wind and the birdsong.
Màiri turned to her. ‘What is it that you want?’
Tilly sighed and rested her chin on her hands, gazing beyond the playful lambs to the loch, which was hazy in the late-afternoon sun.
‘I want to put down roots. I want to feel like I belong somewhere. My house never felt like home, particularly after my ex moved in, which should have been a huge red flag. I was trying to make a relationship work, do what was expected of me, thinking feelings would slot into place.’
‘But they never did?’
‘No, and I’ve always felt like this, listless and drifting. I thought when I was an adult and in control, I’d be able to fix all the things that were wrong, but instead I continued the pattern of pushing people away and craving independence because I know I can only rely on myself.’
‘Except when it comes to Logan,’ Màiri said softly. ‘You’ve done the opposite with him, to the point that anyone who didn’t know you well would think you’re together. Something that’s been going on for years. Perhaps it’s time to do something about it?’