Chapter 32
Robert and I rarely argued, perhaps because we didn’t have enough time together to have a big enough disagreement, or perhaps I shied away from conflict after witnessing my parents argue frequently.
I never heard them say ‘I love you’ to each other or us, either.
Telling someone you love them is a gift.
Extract from Joy’s journal
While Tilly had gone inside to pack a bag, Logan had left with Barney to walk off his simmering anger.
Even though he understood that Tilly’s reaction was her defence mechanism kicking in, he berated himself for moving their relationship from friends to lovers.
He’d known it could backfire. Most of all, he realised his mistake in telling Tilly he loved her.
It was too much too soon. He should have anticipated this reaction.
He’d been in love with her for years, while this was new territory for her.
Even if she’d reciprocated his desire, it didn’t mean she loved him back.
He walked Barney for well over an hour, halfway along Loch Ba and back, although all it did was remind him of their first kiss on his birthday.
He was in a foul mood by the time they got back to Knock.
Rosie was crossing from the farm with two boxes of eggs.
She rested them on the pub garden’s wall while she waited for him.
‘Another beautiful day,’ she said when he reached her. ‘And yesterday was wonderful; your aunt would have loved it.’ She shaded her eyes from the sun and frowned. ‘You doing okay?’
‘Not really, no.’
‘You fancy a cuppa?’
‘Yeah, that’d be good if you have the time.’
She clapped a hand on his shoulder. ‘For you, always.’
* * *
Rosie was easy to talk to because she was a good listener, plus he’d been her shoulder to cry on over the years. He talked honestly about the way he felt, about him and Tilly sleeping together and her running away, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell Rosie what he’d said that had made her flee.
The moment they got back to the house, Barney lapped at his bowl of water and flopped down on his bed next to the stove. That was all Logan fancied doing: drowning his sorrows and going to bed in the hope he’d wake up from the nightmare situation.
The house was too quiet without his aunt, but even more so without Tilly.
He kept busy by finishing clearing his aunt’s room.
It could do with a lick of paint, fresh bedding and a deep clean, but he’d contact the rental agency first to find out about adding Loch View House as a holiday let alongside Loch Cottage.
Tilly hadn’t messaged and he refused to contact her. If space was what she wanted, then that was what he would give her. By the time he headed upstairs later that evening, not hearing from her was killing him. He wanted to know where she was and if she was all right.
He let Barney into his room and wandered along the hallway to Tilly’s.
The bed was unmade, the sheets crumpled from last night when they’d been in bed together doing all the things to each other he’d been dreaming about for years.
His aunt’s journal was missing from the bedside table, but as he scanned the rest of the room, his thumping heart slowed a touch when he noticed some of her clothes hanging in the wardrobe and a couple of pairs of shoes beneath the window.
With the wardrobe door half open and the bed left unmade, it seemed as if she’d left in a hurry.
She couldn’t wait to get away, he thought with a sigh.
Closing the door to Tilly’s room, he went to his own and slipped into bed.
He wished more than anything that Tilly was here with him, their arms wrapped around each other.
If only he hadn’t scared her off. If he could take back those three words he would, even if loving her was exactly what he wanted to do.
* * *
The sound of a vehicle pulling into the drive around eleven the next morning sent Logan’s heart racing. He dumped a box of books in the hallway and rushed to the front door.
His heart sank as Rosie emerged from her car and gave him a wave.
‘You busy?’ she asked.
He frowned and motioned behind him. ‘Continuing the never-ending sorting, so yes, I guess.’
Rosie wedged her sunglasses in her curly hair and folded her arms. ‘You mean you’re moping about here feeling sorry for yourself.’
‘I’m not feeling—’ He stopped short at Rosie’s firm and disbelieving look. ‘Fine, I am feeling like that and angry at myself too for—’ He cut himself short again, still not ready to divulge the true reason Tilly had run away. The more he focused on it, the more he realised how much he’d messed up.
‘I need to do some shopping and you’re coming with me. We’ll have lunch out. My treat.’
There was no arguing with Rosie and he didn’t want to because her company would be good. He topped up Barney’s water and left him with a treat in the kitchen.
Rosie’s easy-going and uncomplicated company eased his anxiety a little as they drove along the familiar roads.
They took the main road to Tobermory that hugged the coast with views across the sparkling water to the mainland, and once again his thoughts turned to Tilly, wondering where she was and what she was doing.
They’d just passed the parking area for Tobermory Fish Company when Logan finally plucked up the courage to be honest with Rosie.
He cleared his throat. ‘More happened with Tilly than I told you yesterday.’
‘I figured as much.’
‘As well as, um, sleeping together for the first time, I’m pretty certain telling Tilly I loved her is what made her leave.’
‘Aye, that might have done it.’ Rosie glanced at him, her eyes hidden by sunglasses. ‘You had sex, then told her you loved her.’ She let out a long, low whistle.
‘Actually, I told her I loved her, then we had sex. Tilly initiated it, which is what makes me think I scared the bejesus out of her.’
‘And it was easier for her to run away than to deal with whatever is happening between the two of you. Although you do realise the physical act might have been her way of showing you that she loves you too?’
‘Then why leave abruptly? Trust me, the way she was behaving in the morning was as awkward as it comes. She couldn’t wait to get away.’
‘She’s likely confused as hell, Logan.’ Rosie slowed as they reached a roundabout and she took the exit away from Tobermory.
‘Think of it from her point of view. You’re her best friend who’s just admitted he’s had feelings for her for years.
You’ve taken your relationship from friends to lovers in a very short space of time, then you’ve thrown into the mix big, grown-up “I love you” type feelings to a woman who has been running from commitment and relationships all her life.
How often have you mentioned Tilly breaking up with someone?
And you’ve been doing the same thing. No relationship has ever worked out because no one can match Tilly.
Perhaps it’s the same for her, she just hadn’t realised it till now. ’
Logan didn’t know what to say to that. Not only had Rosie perfectly described the situation, but she’d seeded hope that Tilly might come round to the idea of them as a couple.
He leaned his elbow on the edge of the open window and ran his fingers across his forehead. ‘I should have anticipated something like this happening and taken things slowly.’
‘Tilly managed to move things on pretty fast.’
‘Physically yes, emotionally no.’
‘Bet it was good though?’ Rosie flashed him a grin.
Logan felt his cheeks heat as the memories of the other night flashed through his mind. ‘The absolute best, which is why her leaving the way she did is the worst.’ He frowned as they took another turn and headed even further away from Tobermory. ‘Where are we going?’
‘Garvie Farm. I need to collect a cheese order and they do tasty lunches.’ She flashed him a sheepish smile. ‘Cal’s joining us.’
‘He is?’
‘Aye, he’s been chatting to me about something I think you can help him with, and as I couldn’t stand to see you so unhappy yesterday, I decided to take things into my own hands.
Lunch, a chat and cheese.’ Rosie indicated left and drove over the cattle grid and onto the lane to the farm. ‘It all works out perfectly.’
Logan sank further into the passenger seat. There was no point in arguing now they were here, but Tilly’s ex was the last person he wanted to see, even if Cal and Tilly’s romantic relationship seemed to be ancient history.
* * *
Logan wondered if he and Cal would have become friends if Tilly hadn’t hooked up with him that summer.
They were a similar age with family roots on the island and Cal had a thoughtful and friendly nature that endeared him to people.
Logan had remained jealous of him despite Tilly ending their relationship.
Because of this, Logan had never properly talked to him.
As Logan followed Rosie through the large barn with its vine-covered roof into the café garden, he realised how much he needed to put the past and his feelings over Cal behind him.
If Tilly had managed to make amends to enable her and Cal to move on in a healthy way, there was no reason why he couldn’t.
The April sunshine was warm enough to temper the light breeze.
The garden was dotted with tables and chairs, edged by trees and blooming with flowers.
The hillside sloped away to fields of cows.
It wasn’t mountainous like the area by Aunt Joy’s house; that was one of the things Logan loved most about Mull.
Each part of the island was distinct. Where Cal lived was a gentle landscape of farmland broken up by dark clusters of trees.
‘No Tilly?’ Cal asked as he joined them at their table in the sunshine a few minutes later.
Rosie glanced at Logan and he sighed. ‘No, she’s gone away for a couple of days. To see a property.’ He took a deep breath. ‘But, truthfully, things got a little intense and she needed space.’