6. Chapter 5 #2
Julia jumped right in after him. Her hands wrapped around him and dragged him up until his head was above water.
Having her there helped him find his feet.
It was just like his nickname to almost drown in three feet of water.
He’d coughed up half the lake he’d tried to swallow while she held him and told him everything would be okay.
Then his brother Charles made it to them and carried him to shore.
Jinx still had a scar on his forehead from that day. The wound had bled a lot, scaring his mother into packing them up and leaving. Julia hadn’t glanced back at the water or anything on the way out, but her shoulders had dipped again, and he’d hated that for her.
He relaxed now that he sat beside her like he had pictured back then. His hand shifted, their fingers brushing. Julia didn’t pull away. She turned toward him, smiling.
“Today has been nice,” she said.
Her smile pulled his forward. “I’m glad you liked it.”
“Were you testing it out as a date spot?” Her gaze returned to the water. “It’s peaceful, and the hike wasn’t too bad at all. I think it’d work, on the right girl.”
His stomach twisted. “I just like being outside. Does it have to be for a girl?”
“No.” She sat up straighter, her fingers no longer touching his. “Sorry, I’m a fixer. When you talked about not dating, you seemed kind of lonely. I think you’re great, Jinx. Any woman would be lucky to date you.”
He bit his lip. She was wrong. They wouldn’t be lucky at all.
“I don’t date,” he admitted. “I haven’t. Ever.”
Her face turned to him, and she blinked. “Wait. Ever? Not even like a one-time thing?”
He stared out at the lake, worried her surprise would turn into pity. “I know that’s weird.”
“Not weird, just a surprise. I remember the girls chasing after you. Has there never been anyone you’ve been interested in?”
Heat crawled up his neck. “I wouldn’t say that.”
“Are you just nervous? It’s okay to be nervous, you know. It’s cute, actually.”
“Cute?” He risked glancing at her, finding her eyes already on him. “Is that a good thing?”
She shrugged. “Cute can be sexy. It depends on what the other person likes. I guess I’m saying, just be yourself and be open to it happening, and I bet you’ll get a date in no time.”
He shook his head. “You make it sound so easy.”
“Eh, meeting someone can be. Figuring out if they’re a good someone, that’s a bit trickier.” She nudged his shoulder. “I told you before, I can be your wingman. Or I guess, wingwoman in this case. Wingperson? Oh.” She frowned. “Having me around might not work.”
“Because they’ll think we’re together?” He shouldn’t have been excited by that idea.
“Well, yeah. It’ll eliminate women approaching you, and if you do the approaching, you’ll have to explain, which is a terrible opening line.”
“It’s okay. I don’t really want to date anyway.”
“Bullshit.”
He froze.
“Come on, Jinx. You’re lonely. I can see it.” She kicked at the water, causing a spray to splash ahead of them. “I’ve always seen it. You’re kind and genuine and funny and sweet, but you’ve never even had any close friends. You’re always friendly but never friends.”
“Besides Phoebe, you don’t have many friends either,” he pointed out, then winced. “Er, at least I assume it’s still that way.”
She shrugged. “Yeah. You’re right. I’m different, though. I don’t get lonely.” She frowned down at the water. “I mean, I’ve got my siblings if I want to talk, or Phoebe, but most of the time I’m fine being by myself. Except for sex, of course. That’s why I do the hookups.”
Just the mention of sex caused nerves to dance along his arms.
She froze, her eyes widening as she turned toward him. “Um, if you’ve never dated, does that mean…”
Jesse swallowed. “I’m not a virgin.” The words came out wrong. Clipped and hard.
“Oh.” She nodded, her hands moving to her knees. “Okay. Sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.”
He didn’t mind her asking. It made it easier. “Once,” he forced out, his heart starting to pound in his chest. “I did it once. At that party.”
“What?” Her fingers gripped her knees. “You mean that college party? The night you were upset?”
He’d cried all over her. Part of it was because he’d always dreamed she’d be his first. It had been a pipe dream, but he’d wanted that, so badly.
“Was it… not good?” she asked. “It’s okay if it wasn’t. Sex is something you can learn to be better at.”
“I—” He swallowed the bile that rose in his throat. “I didn’t want to do it.” The words had been pounding in his mind for years, but he’d never been able to say them out loud, even to his therapist.
“You had sex when you didn’t want to?” she asked. “Oh, Jinx, that can mess with your head. If you don’t want to, you need to say no.”
“I did,” he mumbled.
“What?” Her nose flared as her eyes widened. “Jinx, are you saying…”
His lips had gone numb. He stared at his lap. “I said no and asked them to stop.”
“Them?” she asked. “More than one girl forced you to have sex that night?”
“Only one before I got away. There were two girls, and one of them was stumbling while the other struggled to hold her up. I offered to help take her to their car, but she said her friend just needed to lie down, so I helped carry her to the bedroom. It… happened there.”
“Jinx.” Julia’s hands grasped his face, lifting it so he’d look at her as she leaned in closer. “Are you telling me you got raped that night?”
“I—” He cringed from the word, and she released him. His hands went up to his hair, tugging at it. “I mean, I got hard. I didn’t want to, and I told them that, but their hands and their mouths… It felt good, I guess.”
“You didn’t want to, and you told them that.” Julia’s gaze was steady. “That’s rape. It doesn’t matter if you got turned on, or even if you came. No means no.”
“I froze at first. It was like I couldn’t say anything, but then I did say no.
I asked them to stop, but one of them started kissing me and I couldn’t say anything after that.
I tried to bite her to get away, but she seemed to like that.
” He tugged on his hair again. “The other one went for my pants. Before I knew it, she was touching me and using her mouth, and I—”
He’d gotten hard. He hadn’t wanted to, but the sensation of her mouth had done it.
It had been unlike anything he’d felt before, and he’d liked it even as he’d wished for her to stop.
It confused the hell out of him. He couldn’t even masturbate anymore without remembering.
Any time he got turned on, all he felt was shame.
“It’s not your fault your body reacted,” Julia said, her tone matter of fact. “That’s biology.”
“Once—” He swallowed. “Once I was hard, she got on top of me and—” He didn’t want to say it, felt dizzy just thinking it. “We had sex,” he whispered, doubting she could even hear the words.
He’d tried to buck the girl off, but she’d moaned, freaking him out, so he’d held still after that.
The other girl’s mouth smothered his whimpers while her friend rode him.
“Once she got off of me, I was able to get away.” The other girl had been talking about whether they could make him hard again so she’d get a turn, and he’d rolled off the bed to the floor, holding up his pants as he stumbled to his feet and ran.
A tear slid down his cheek as he remembered how fucked up he’d felt, and he swiped at it, hating himself.
“Damn it,” Julia muttered, her arms shifting open.
He stared blearily at the way she held them, his eyes watering, threatening more tears.
“Come here,” she said, motioning him closer.
He leaned into her, his head resting on her chest, just as it had the night of the party. The similarity made the sob trapped in his throat tear loose, and then he was crying against her, as if he’d gone back in time to that night and no time had passed at all.