7. Chapter 6
J ulia closed her eyes to keep her own tears within and held Jinx tighter. She’d known something bad had happened to him that night; she just hadn’t imagined this.
He’d only sobbed the once, but she could still hear the echo of it inside of her. The rest of his tears were quiet, soaking into her shirt until they eventually began to slow. As his breathing calmed, she bit back the need to demand names and asked the next thing weighing on her mind instead.
“Did you tell anyone after? Besides me just now?” If he’d been living with this, carrying it all by himself for years, she really was going to cry.
“Charles knows. At least, some of it,” Jinx mumbled. “He encouraged me to talk to a therapist.”
“That’s good.” His older brother must have been just as pissed at what had happened as she was. “You can also report it. Even four years later. You know that, right?”
Jinx lifted his head, rubbing his knuckles against his eyes. “Report what?”
“What happened to you was a crime.”
He looked at her, his eyes a drenched blue that punched her in the stomach.
“I’m not going to the police. What would I say? That when I was seventeen, a couple of drunk college girls forced me to have a threesome?” His lips twisted.
“That’s not what it was!” she snapped, taking a breath after to suck the anger back in. “Tell me you know that.”
“Yeah. I know.” He stared down at the water. “They were really drunk, though. I don’t want to ruin their lives over drunk sex.”
Heat gathered below her ribs. Of course Jinx worried about his attackers’ lives, even after they’d damaged his own. “Did you get their names?” Maybe with their names, she could find them and go kick their asses herself.
He shook his head. “They never told me. I guess they wanted a random hookup, and names weren’t important, like you said.”
Julia flinched. “I’m nothing like them.”
Jinx grew pale. “No! That’s not what I meant. You’re all about consent. I know that. I just meant, they probably thought it was casual sex, not caring or even knowing that it was my first time and… important to me.”
“First time.” She almost choked on the words, the knot inside her growing. “And the only time? That’s your only experience with sex?”
Jinx flushed, his cheeks becoming the bright red she’d always found adorable. He seemed so shy and innocent, just like he’d been back then. And he was.
If they ever got together, she’d probably corrupt him. The twinge of interest she felt at the idea made her hate herself. Maybe she really was a sex addict, like Phoebe accused. It was wrong to think about being with him that way when he was hurting so badly.
She swallowed the lump in her throat. “You probably have some stuff to work through from this, but what happened, you can’t let it take away your future happiness. You know you can date without it leading to sex right away, don’t you?”
He bit his lip, staring hard at the water. “It’s—” His voice broke, and he cleared his throat. “It’s a trust thing. I’m not sure how to trust a stranger.” He rubbed at his knees through his jeans. “Let’s stop talking about this. We should head back.”
He tucked his feet under him, and Julia rose with him.
She studied his wild curly hair, the strong line of his nose, those gentle eyes.
Her hand lifted to rest on his arm, and he didn’t pull away from her touch.
Her hand looked right against his arm. He wasn’t muscled or bulky, but slender and toned, attractive in a way she’d never considered.
She should have bitten back the words, but they escaped instead. “You trust me .”
His eyes widened. “I—” He looked almost dazed. His Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat as he swallowed, and her eyes traced the movement almost against her will. “Of course I trust you.”
“Then, what if I helped?” she offered, licking her suddenly dry lips. “I could teach you about sex. I’d be your real first time. If that’s something you’d want.”
His arm jerked under her touch. At first, she thought he was pulling away from her in shock, but then she realized he was moving toward her, not away. At least he was for that first moment before his foot slipped and he fell off the rock right into the lake.
J esse inhaled water, which wasn’t a surprise since his mouth had been open in shock. For a second, he considered lying on the muddy bottom of the lake and staying there. Then he wouldn’t have to face this new disaster he’d created.
Hands locked under his arms and urged him up. His head broke the surface, and he coughed out about half the lake while the woman he’d always loved held him up and patted his back.
He really was the biggest loser around.
“I’m okay,” he choked out, shoving his wet curls from his face.
Julia’s hands slipped to his waist to grip there, her touch burning through his wet shirt and her eyes dancing as they looked into his. “You could have just said no,” she teased.
Now his cheeks burned, too, even with the water dripping down them. “That’s not—” He broke off when she laughed, feeling even more pathetic. Now he’d never be able to take her up on her offer. Not that he could have anyway. He wouldn’t do that to her.
“I know, silly. I was the one to give you your nickname. Are you okay?” Her hand shifted up to push his wet hair back again, and her thumb slid over the scar on his forehead. “At least you’re not bleeding this time.”
The small caress made him shiver. “You remember that?”
“Of course. I remember every time I rescued you.” She glanced down at where the water lapped at their waists, one of her hands still touching him there. “We’re taller now, and at least you weren’t knocked senseless this time.”
Not physically, but his mind was still whirling over her offer of sex. “Yeah,” he mumbled, wishing he could keep her touch for as long as possible. He stepped away instead. “Sorry to be such a klutz.”
“That’s never bothered me. It’s sort of cute.” She waved her hand toward the bank. “Good thing we took off our shoes, though. I’d hate to squelch the whole hike back. If we lie in the sun for a bit, we should dry soon enough.”
He followed her to the beach and past their shoes to sit on a patch of grass instead of the sand. She spread her legs out, her hands supporting her, while he clutched his knees and felt six years old again.
The sun warmed his back and shoulders. He watched the way it glimmered on the water and enjoyed having Julia beside him, despite everything.
Julia cleared her throat. “I’m sorry about my offer. It caught you off guard.”
He opened his mouth to deny it, but she really had shocked him. He’d never expected her to want to be with him, even out of pity.
“We’ve never been that way, and it’d probably get messy.
It’s just, you were talking about trust, and I thought about how you trust me, and my mouth moved before I could think it through.
My brain moves too fast sometimes, not giving me time to consider all the angles.
” She huffed out a breath. “I’m sure Phoebe would be pissed if we had sex. Another thing I hadn’t considered.”
His hands tightened around his knees. He forced himself to release them, stretching his legs out in front of him to mimic her instead. His fingers dug through the grass and into the sand. “Um, Phoebe doesn’t know. You know, about what happened at the party.”
Julia stared at him, and his shoulders hunched.
“I never told her,” he admitted.
“I figured,” Julia said. “You only mentioned your brother, and honestly, if you’d told Feebs, I’d have known already. She’s terrible at keeping a secret.”
“Yeah.” Jesse had figured that out long ago. He loved his sister, but she wasn’t someone he confided in. He hadn’t even told her about his crush on Julia, though she’d figured that out on her own.
He flushed, risking a glance at the person who had taken up the majority of his romantic thoughts all his life.
Her gaze was on him, and he quickly looked away again.
Knowing Julia, she already knew he had a crush on her, but she’d never treated him like a pest or anything.
No, she kept looking out for him instead.
That was what her offer was all about. She felt sorry for him and wanted to help. He should hate that, but the idea of being with her, for any reason, tantalized him.
No. It couldn’t happen.
“I appreciate you offering to help,” he said, telling himself to stop wishing for the impossible. “You’re a good friend, Jules.”
“Right. We’re friends.” Her voice sounded off, and he risked looking at her again.
She was frowning down at her hand, which was close to his, only a blade of grass separating their fingers.
Her fingers shifted, nudging against his.
“And since it would be your real first time, I doubt you’d want to do a friends with benefits type of thing.
I mean, sex would mean a lot to you, wouldn’t it? ”
If he were ever with Julia, he wouldn’t want to forget it for the world. A lump caught in his throat and wouldn’t let him answer.
“I’m the casual type. I care for you, Jinx, but I can’t give you that whole loving, romantic thing. It’d be consensual, and it’d be good, but it’d only be sex for me. That’s why it’s a terrible idea. I’d never want to hurt you.” Her eyes locked on his, unflinching.
Having her, but not really having her, would hurt. Would being hurt be worse than not knowing what it was like to be with her and always wondering?
“It wasn’t right for me to offer.” Her brow wrinkled as she continued to think about it. Julia was sitting beside him, their fingers barely touching, and thinking about having sex with him.
His heart thudded hard in his chest, and tingles crawled along his skin, but from how calm she looked, the prospect of having sex with him didn’t excite her.
“It’s okay, Jules. I know you don’t want me that way, and you’re right, I don’t want to do this if we’re not both into it.
I want my next time to be… mutual.” He looked back at the water.
“Wait. You don’t think I’d be into it?”