7. Chapter 6 #2
He glanced back at her, finding her eyes narrowed as she sat up straighter.
“It’s okay,” he told her again. “You’ve never thought of me that way and today you’re just being nice, to offer what you did.”
She reached out, her fingers sliding along his jaw until she cupped his face, sending tingles everywhere. “I told you before, Jinx. Cute can be sexy. I’m not not into you.”
“What?” His lips were back to feeling numb, while the rest of his body was hot. He leaned slightly toward her. “You really think I’m sexy?”
“I’ve always understood why girls are into you,” she said.
Her pinky stroked his neck, sending a shiver through him.
“We could easily test if this would work. It’s all about chemistry.
” Her pinky shifted again, and his breath shuddered out.
“Something I’m starting to think we have.
Do you want to test it, Jinx? Just a test. We don’t have to make any decisions yet. ”
“Julia…” It felt like it’d been forever since he’d said her full name. Every part of him wanted whatever she was offering, even though he wasn’t sure it’d be good for him at all, and it definitely wouldn’t be good for her.
Her eyes crinkled at the corners as her tongue slid along her bottom lip to wet it. “The best test is a kiss. Can I kiss you, Jinx?”
A kiss. There wasn’t any danger in a kiss. “God, yes,” he breathed, watching her move closer. He felt the rumble of her laugh when their lips touched.
The kiss started as a simple slide of lips. He worried about his lips being too dry, but hers were soft and moist. Her hand continued to cup his jaw, that pinky of hers twitching and making him want to writhe in place, but he held himself still.
“Relax,” she breathed against his lips before pressing their mouths together again. Small repeated presses that made his lips want to chase hers, to hold her to him.
Her lips curved in a smile, and for some reason she tasted of strawberries. She leaned into him more, their breaths mingling. Her other hand lifted to his jaw until she cupped both sides of his face, holding him still.
“Mmmm.” Her sexy hum vibrated against his lips. “You taste of sunshine and coconut. Delicious.” She kissed him again, a tingling press, then a withdraw that made him want to whimper, followed by another press.
His hand lifted, wanting to touch her, and he tentatively cupped the back of her head, his fingers sinking into her short cap of hair.
“That’s it. You can touch me.” Her breath against him made his lips even more sensitive.
She kissed him longer this time, her lips tracing over his, as if mapping every part of them. Everywhere they touched tingled, sensation slipping inside him and spreading from those small points of contact.
When she started to withdraw, he didn’t want that. He wanted her closer. He used his grip on her head to bring her back. Her sudden giggle was bright. She leaned into him, her lips pressing harder.
His head reeled, and he fell back to the grass.
Julia followed him down, but kept her weight off him, only touching him with her lips. He breathed in more of that strawberry flavor as their mouths slid together, over and over again, so many times that he lost count. All he could do was feel.
An ache built in his groin, and he froze, his eyes opening to find the emerald of hers so close, her face blocking out the sun.
She gave him one more soft brush of lips before lifting her head with a smile. “Well, that didn’t suck. How was it for you?”
He made a choked whimper, releasing his hold on her like she’d burned him.
Julia stroked his jaw once more before releasing him and sitting back.
Jesse pushed himself up, refusing to stare at his lap. He only had a partial erection. It would go away. Nerves twisted in his stomach.
Her smile faded a little. “You okay, Jinx?”
“I—” He licked his lips, tasting strawberry and wanting to kiss her all over again. “I can’t think.”
Her lips curved again as she laughed. “See? Chemistry. We definitely have it.”
That didn’t sound like a one-sided thing. Julia had liked kissing him, too. No, that couldn’t be right. He was deluding himself.
“Don’t look so nervous. I told you, we don’t have to decide anything right now.” She buffed his arm, as if trying to make him feel better. “But Jinx? That kiss?”
She waited until he reluctantly lifted his eyes to hers, and he braced himself to hear the truth. Julia always told the truth.
“That kiss was really good for me.” Her eyes were like a prison, one he never wanted to escape. “I think it was good for you, too.”
He flushed, his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth and unable to move. That was for the best. Stammering and begging would be the opposite of sexy.
Julia searched his face, and her smile widened at whatever she saw there. Likely shock and awe. This couldn’t really be happening.
“But remember.” Her hand stretched toward him, pushing back the still damp curl that had flopped onto his forehead. “No falling in love with me.”
His stomach dropped. He wondered what she’d say if he told her it was too late for that. He’d loved her for forever, and he doubted it would ever go away.
“I’ll grab our shoes,” she said, rising. “We should head back.”
He watched her as he tried to get his mind to focus. Being with her, even just sitting here by the water, or during their walk through the woods, felt right. The kiss had felt more than right.
None of that mattered, though. Everything he’d ever wanted was right in front of him, but he loved her too much to take it. He couldn’t do that to her. It would be wrong.
Jesse told himself to tell her the whole truth as they made their way to his Jeep and during the drive back to his mother’s house. After her offer, he had to tell her the last of it, but he’d never said the words out loud before, and they already sounded so horrible in his head.
He hadn’t lied to her. Trust was a big issue for him and often held him back from dating, but there was another reason he didn’t date.
The conversation he still had to have was a hurdle he’d never been able to overcome.
Saying the words felt like it would make it real, even though he’d been living with the reality of it for four years.
Julia didn’t judge. She was the most trustworthy person he’d ever known. If he couldn’t even tell her, who would he ever be able to tell?
He parked in his mother’s driveway, letting the Jeep idle.
Julia didn’t reach for the door handle. Her head lay on the headrest, turned toward him. “You’ve been quiet.”
Inside his head, he wasn’t quiet at all. “Sorry,” he mumbled.
“No, it’s fine. I’m sorry if I overwhelmed you. And if you already know your answer is no, you can say it. I won’t be mad. Nothing will change. We’ll still be friends and hang out, and I’ll still be glad you’re back. I promise, I can handle rejection, Jinx. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea.”
“It’s not you.” His eyes met hers. He’d always loved the color. The green was sharp and brilliant, just like her. “I’ve always thought you were great.”
“So, you’re not a no? You want to think about it?”
She was giving him an out. He should take it, say he’d decided it wasn’t a good idea, but it was Julia. She already knew more than he’d told anyone, even Charles. What would it feel like to have a person in his life who knew everything?
Jesse licked his lips before parting them. “I really want to. I want to be with you, but I shouldn’t. It’s not safe.”
“You’ll be safe with me, Jinx. I’ll check in every step of the way, and I’ll listen at any point if you change your mind.”
“No, that’s not what I meant. It’s not safe for you. I—” He swallowed the spit that had warmed in his mouth. “I have herpes.”
The word lingered in the air around them, sounding as horrible as he’d always dreaded it would sound.
Julia grew still beside him. She pulled in a breath. “Oh, Jinx…”
His eyes warmed from the pity in her voice. He closed them. “That time, no protection was used. I guess she was on birth control—God, I hope she was—but it wasn’t like I had a chance to… to bring up using a condom.”
“For fuck’s sake!”
Jesse flinched, but then her hands were on his face, firm as she turned him toward her. The breath punched out of his lungs as he stared into her furious expression.
“This isn’t your fault! This was done to you!” Her eyes shimmered. “It’s horrible, and I hate it. I hate it so much.”
“I-I’m sorry,” he choked out.
“I’m not mad at you , Jinx. I just—” She let out a frustrated groan, closing her eyes, a tear slipping down her cheek. Her forehead fell forward, resting against his. “If I ever find these girls, I’m kicking the shit out of them.”
A strangled noise escaped him. He let his forehead relax against hers. “That won’t change anything.”
“It’d make me feel better. They did this to you, and they got away with it.” Her hands moved around to his back, pulling him closer to her.
The gear shift dug into his thigh, but he didn’t care. His arms lifted to hug her back. “She might not have even known she had it.”
Julia’s fingers pressed harder into his back. “Do not defend her to me.”
He grew quiet, resting against her. His racing heart slowed.
Julia eventually pulled away, wiping the heel of her hand under her eye. “Thanks for telling me.”
He nodded, swallowing to wet his dry throat. “You see now why this is a bad idea.”
She glared at him. “Jinx, you can have sex. This doesn’t change anything for me.”
He stared at her.
Her eyes softened. “Do you know how many partners I’ve had?
Of course not, I don’t even know. It’s not like I ask everyone I sleep with about STIs.
I always use condoms, though, and I get tested regularly.
So far, nothing has popped. The risks for herpes are pretty low with condoms. You’ve read about it, right? ”
“The risks aren’t zero. I can’t do that to you.”
“You’re not doing anything to me. I’m the one who gets to weigh the risks, and I’m telling you, the risks don’t bother me.
Unfortunately, I won’t be letting you bareback it, but guys who claim sex isn’t good with condoms are narcissistic assholes.
They have to wrap it, or they get nothing from me—it’s as simple as that.
You’re no exception, but you’re not a special case, either. ”
A fog took over his mind. It should have hurt, being told he wasn’t special, but the idea that she still wanted to have sex with him was taking over everything else.
Her hand lifted, brushing his hair back.
“This is really why you haven’t had sex, isn’t it?
You’re a nice guy, and you feel responsible, but Jinx?
You can have sex with someone, I promise.
Your sexuality doesn’t go away because you have herpes.
And if you want, it can be me who you figure that out with.
” Her hand dropped. “But I’ll give you time to think about it, like I said before.
And I’ll send you some articles to read, too.
” She opened the door, sliding out of the Jeep. “I’ll text you later, okay?”
He watched her round the Jeep as he tried to figure out what the hell had just happened.
When she reached her car, she lifted her hand in a small wave, and he waved back, feeling like he was dreaming.
There was no way she still wanted to have sex with him when he was damaged goods, in all the ways, but it really sounded like she did.