8. Chapter 7 #2
He looked at Charles for help. His brother swallowed his sip of coffee before saying, “You’re always welcome here, Feebs. You know that. Everything good, though?”
Her circling hand paused, then started up again. “If you mean with me, yeah. Two kids a year apart is a lot, but I’m handling it. I’m not here about me.” Her eyes narrowed on Jesse.
Charles looked from her to Jesse. “Ah. I’m going to finish getting ready for work.” He took his coffee with him as he headed to his room.
Jesse waited for him to pass before crossing the kitchen for his own coffee. He had a feeling he was going to need it. He poured the sugar into the mug first, adding the coffee to dissolve it.
“You have such a sweet tooth,” Phoebe mumbled from behind him. Her son made a gurgling sound, as if agreeing, and her daughter continued to smash the banana and laugh.
Jesse had been surprised she’d had them only a year apart.
Phoebe had complained about having a brother so close to her in age.
Jesse had been an oops baby and had shown up just under a year after she was born.
He’d tried to do his own thing as they became teenagers, but he was frequently drawn to Julia, who invited him along with them more often than not, and his sister had never really cared for it.
“Sugar and caffeine keep me going.” He bent and patted his niece’s soft curls before finding a chair opposite his sister at the table. “I’ve got work in a bit, too. That’s why I was surprised to see you.”
“I needed to come over and see for myself whether my baby brother was losing his mind.” Her hand rubbed over her son’s back a little harder.
He frowned at her in confusion. “What do you mean?” Hoping the caffeine would help him concentrate, he took a sip of the still too hot liquid.
“I’m talking about how you’re considering having sex with my best friend.”
His swallow went down the wrong pipe and he choked, sputtering and coughing. His hand hit his mug, spilling some of the coffee onto the table.
Phoebe sighed, shoving the napkin holder closer to him. “You’re still such a kid.”
Jesse flushed, coughing yet again as he mopped up the spill. “I’m not the one having a fit that someone else is hanging out with their friend.” He regretted the words when Phoebe’s teeth ground together. “Sorry, it’s just, weren’t you the one playing matchmaker the other night?”
“I wasn’t trying to get you two together!” Phoebe waved her free hand in the air in agitation. “I thought it would be good for you to hear the rumors going around about her, and if she was at the bar, the people you were with would be sure to talk. Then I wouldn’t have to tell you myself.”
“I don’t talk behind a friend’s back. Besides, I asked you for her number after. You knew I was still interested.” He lifted his chin, meeting her eyes. “You’ve always known how I feel about her.”
“Well, sure, but she’s never given you a chance before. She called me last night, telling me she planned to fu—” Phoebe broke off, glancing down at her daughter playing near her feet. “Do stuff with you,” she finished. “I thought you were smarter than that and came to knock some sense into you.”
Heat flooded his chest. “I’m not the one not making sense here.
I know she told you. She texted me about it.
Jules is straightforward like that. Neither of us is doing anything wrong, especially not her.
” He rubbed at the ache in his chest, realizing he hadn’t even put on a shirt yet.
“She’s been very clear about what it would be.
I appreciate how direct and honest she is. ”
“Honest, right.” Phoebe made a noise in her throat. “So you completely ignored her affair with a married man?”
He’d never heard his sister’s tone drop like that, not when she talked about her friend. She sounded disgusted with Julia.
“She told me about what happened. Besides, this is Jules. There isn’t a rule she doesn’t like. I believe her when she says she didn’t know.”
“Of course you do.” Phoebe shook her head. “You’re so clueless when it comes to her.”
Jesse scrubbed at his face, deciding to ignore the jab. “I don’t get how she’s the bad guy in all this, anyway. It’s not like she forced him to have sex with her. If he was married, whose fault is it that he cheated?”
“Well, sure, but Julia—”
“Takes responsibility. Yeah, I know. She wasn’t making excuses.
She told me she was at fault. She feels bad, and it’s making her not stick up for herself like she should.
” He crossed his arms, his eyes narrowing on his sister.
“Like her friends should be sticking up for her. What is wrong with you?”
“You’re so blind. It’s not like this is her first time ruining a marriage!” Phoebe’s gaze dropped, glaring down at the tabletop.
Jesse’s heart thumped in his chest. “This happened to her before?” No wonder she felt so guilty. She’d blame herself double for not learning from her first mistake.
“Back in college. She slept with a professor.”
He let his arms fall. “Aren’t there rules against that?” The Julia he knew wouldn’t have broken those rules.
“Well, sure. She claimed she didn’t know he was a professor, that he was a random hookup at a bar.
I believed her at the time. I mean, he taught art classes.
She’d never be interested in that. Apparently, a couple of students saw them together and ratted them out.
” She frowned. “He was married, too. I heard he not only lost his job but also his wife.”
Jesse figured that’s what cheaters deserved.
“It was a big mess. I thought she’d learn from it, but she was back to sleeping around soon enough.
” Phoebe leaned forward in her chair. “That’s what I’m saying.
She may be my friend, but she will seriously sleep with anyone.
I know you like her, but do you really want to be with someone like that?
Just so she can scratch an itch, like a cat in heat? ”
“I don’t like the way you’re talking about her.”
Phoebe snorted. “No, you don’t like hearing the truth. I’m telling you, you don’t want to do this. Would you really want to catch something from her?”
His anger simmered and died as he watched his sister’s lip curl, a deep emptiness spreading in his stomach. “And that would be the worst thing ever?”
“A STI? Yes! It would serve her right, the way she goes through guys, but you’re better than that. Do you want to ruin your whole life on this silly crush you should have gotten over ages ago?”
“Serve her right,” he mumbled, his body wanting to curl in on itself. “Like it’d be her fault? And it’d ruin her forever?”
“Well, yeah. I mean, some of those infections are incurable, aren’t they?” Phoebe shook her head. “I wish she was more careful, but I doubt she ever will be. I don’t want that for you. I don’t want her for you.”
Jesse swallowed, his body starting to tremble. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
“You can’t just bury your head in the sand.”
He let out a sound somewhere between a sob and a laugh. “I know that much. I’m still figuring things out, but this, all you said here?” He waved his hand around the kitchen. “I’m going to pretend this never happened, because I really don’t like you right now.”
“You’re so immature! You don’t like me?” Her laugh shredded the last of his hope she didn’t mean what she was saying. “I’m trying to protect you.”
“No. You’re not. I’m not sure what you’re doing, but it’s not about me, not really.” He pushed up from the table. “Do you even hear yourself? Julia is supposed to be your best friend, but you sound worse than those women at the hospital. I don’t like it, and I’m not listening to it anymore.”
Her toddler started crying, but he didn’t look back, flinging himself toward the hallway. He shut himself in his room and fell onto the bed, curling up in a ball.
He was already running late. He should be getting dressed.
Instead, he fought not to cry. The reminder that he had an incurable disease battered at his head, consuming his thoughts. A result from having sex with the wrong person.
Just like Julia wanted to do with him.
He’d known that. He’d known all along he shouldn’t do it, but for a brief moment, he’d allowed himself to dream. Somehow, that made this moment feel even worse.
His door creaked open.
“Go away, Phoebe. I mean it.” He hated how his voice cracked.
“It’s me,” Charles said.
The bed dipped behind his back. His older brother rested his hand on his arm, giving it a squeeze.
With nearly twenty years between them, Charles had been the closest thing to a dad that he had ever known, especially since he didn’t have any memories of his actual father. He’d been too young when he’d died.
“She doesn’t know,” Charles said, his hand so warm.
Jesse sniffed, wishing the tears weren’t still so close. “You think I want to tell her now?”
“No, and it doesn’t change that she hurt you.” He didn’t rub, just held his hand there, being there. “But she doesn’t have all the information and won’t understand what she did.”
“She shouldn’t have been talking about Jules that way,” Jesse muttered.
“No. Phoebe… well, she is who she is. Very self-focused and unable to see past her own emotions at times. I think she’s jealous of Julia, but she’s actually really lucky to have her as a friend.”
“It’s not fair to Jules.”
Charles hummed in his throat. “You think Julia needs to be protected? She’s fierce. Strong. Confident. She can handle herself.”
Jesse stared at the wall. “Yeah. I know.” He didn’t think she should always have to, but he knew she didn’t need him. He’d be the worst thing for her, actually.
“I respect Julia a lot. To me, she’s a part of this family. Like another sister.”
“She’s not, though.” Charles had said that before, but Jesse had always hated it. He didn’t think of Julia as a sister, not at all.
“Hmmm.” Charles squeezed his arm again before letting go. “Phoebe went about it all wrong, but I agree with her on one point. I’m worried you’re setting yourself up to be hurt.”
Jesse rolled over, meeting his brother’s searching gaze.
“I know, okay? My eyes are open, and I’m not fooling myself about anything.
” He pushed up to a sitting position, dangling his legs over the side of the bed so he sat next to his brother.
“We’re friends. I’m leaning toward keeping things that way since that’s all we’ll ever be. ”
Charles’s shoulder nudged his. “You’ll figure it out.”
“Yeah,” he mumbled.
His brother rose to start his day.
Jesse fell back again, staring at the ceiling and focusing on his breathing. He’d managed not to cry. The way his mind spun would slow soon.
And if he wished Julia was there, holding him in her arms, it wouldn’t be the first time. It was okay to want that. He was the only one who had to know about it.