Chapter Eighteen
LILY
I wake to a heavy weight across my stomach,pressing down on my bladder. I blink and glance to my side as River’s face comes into view. Even asleep, he has deep-set frown lines, and I want to reach out and smooth them away, but my need to relieve myself supersedes all other thoughts. Carefully, I lift his arm and move to get out of bed. My body is still sore, a stark reminder of the past few days. Even if I wanted to forget, what happened is so vivid in some parts and a blur in others, a mental whiplash to my senses.
Sinking into the soft carpet beneath my feet, I make my way to the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I find myself having to hold onto the bathroom counter for support. I’ve never been afraid of small spaces, but right now, being in here makes my breathing accelerate. Unlocking the door again, I open it just a crack.
I move over to the toilet; the partition keeping me hidden if anyone were to enter.
I let out a content sigh as I empty my bladder, causing my ribs to ache. Thankfully, they weren’t broken, but the kick he must have given me was enough to leave bruising and sensitivity.
I glance down at my arm again and begin to pick at the bandage but stop myself.
“Yeah, no, so not going there right now,” I whisper.
My head thumps, almost like when you have a hangover or feel dehydrated, but I think it’s a mixture of both the stress and the repercussions of feeling Richard’s wrath. I feel sick when I think of him watching me in my room. Other than the library, it was always my sanctuary. The thought of returning fills me with dread, and if I’m being honest, I’m grateful to be getting away, even if it’s just for the interim.
But being away from Mia, not knowing if she’s safe, eats away at my insides. I never wanted her to see Richard’s dark side. How the hell am I supposed to protect her from him now? I never wanted her to see the worst parts of him, it’s why I tried to shield her from how he treated me. It’s not likeI couldhavesaid, ‘oh, by the way, Mia, neverget on your father’sbad side. He has a tendency of being aggressive’. And I would never tell her that he caused the scars on my lower back. My fear is by hiding it, I’ve made her even more vulnerable, put her at risk by not telling her what kind of man Richard really is.
Flushing the toilet, I lower the seat and sit on the lid.
What is it Richard wants from me? And why was he watching me?
My entire body erupts in goosebumps as though it’s being attacked by creepy crawlies, causing me to shiver.
“Knock, knock.”
I’m startled by River’s voice. I stand just as he pokes his head around the door.
“Can I come in?” he asks.
“Yeah,” I reply, walking towards the sink and running the tap to wash my hands .
I glance up as I feel him enter and stare at his reflection in the mirror. His hair is all tousled, and yet he looks good.
He winks when he finds me staring, and I can’t help but flush slightly.
“I panicked when I woke up and you were gone, and then I heard the toilet flush.”
“Sorry,” I say, clearing my throat and turning off the tap. I shake off the excess water as he passes me a small hand towel. I arch a brow as I dry my hands.
“Bet you didn’t expect Jax to have such nice amenities, right?”
“Hmm, I guess I never really thought about it. Maybe I would have expected something a little more, bachelor pad-ish.” I cringe at my own words. Stereotype much?
River throws his head back and laughs. It feels like a lifetime ago since I saw a flicker of his previous self. Since I woke up in hospital, he’s been so much more serious than I could have imagined.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m aware of how powerful these men are. I sparred with River when he was teaching me self-defence. It’s something I scoff at now, because what fucking use did it do me when I needed it the most, with those times I was a weak, pathetic woman.
Before I can think better of it, I step forward, wrap my arms around his waist, and rest my cheek against his chest.
His laugh cuts off as he wraps his arms around me, holding me to him.
“I love it when you laugh,” I whisper into his t-shirt, a mix of his scent and Jackson’s surrounding me—masculine, powerful and something else I can’t quite name.
He doesn’t reply, just holds me in the middle of the homely guest bathroom. After what feels like no time at all, he pulls back slightly and dips his head, eyes on mine. Today they remind me of coppery brown humbug sweets.
“Did you need help showering or anything?” he asks, searching my face.
I need to shower, but the thought of him seeing me undressed when I can barely look at myself fills me with dread.
“No, I’ll be okay.” I have waterproof gauze, and I won’t be washing my hair. That thought makes my nose scrunch. I wonder if Avery packed me any dry shampoo.
“Okay, I’ll be in the living room if you need me. Do you want a cup of tea? Jax has that Earl Grey you like.”
I lean back, surprised that Jax has my favourite tea—first the juice and now the tea—but then quickly shake it away. Lots of people drink it, it’s not like he went out of his way to buy it for me, or anything ridiculous. And of all the things I could be thinking about right now, I’m analysing Jackson Donovan’s tea choices.
“Yes, please, thank you.”
River smiles and then leans down. For the briefest of moments, I think he’s about to kiss me, and I’m overcome with a sudden prick of panic at the thought. Not of him kissing me, but the fact my breath likely stinks something chronic.
Thankfully, his lips press against my forehead for a few seconds.
And that makes my stomach flutter, the feel of his soft lips and slight stubble pressing against my skin, an innocent kiss but one that feels intimate at the same time.
He backs away and only turns when he reaches the door, leaving me alone in the bathroom. My breath catches at the thought of him closing it behind him and locking me in but I sigh in relief as he leaves it ajar.
I glance over to my vanity case resting on the counter and move to unzip it. All of my toiletries are neatly inside, but a note catches my attention .
Lils, remember you are braver and stronger than you realise. I know you’re hurting, both physically and emotionally, but you’ll get through this. And you have me always. Phone me as soon as you can. Love you, Avery.
PS, you and I are due a conversation about what’s going on with you and your guys.
A drawing of a winky face and what might be an aubergine is at the bottom.
I let out a little laugh. Now that’s something I need time to prepare for, because even if I could talk about it, what would I say? But staring at the words you and your guys makes me blush and my stomach flutter. But then I’m instantly racked with guilt. It’s selfish of me to feel anything, especially with Mia gone. I take a deep breath, steadying myself for the wave of pain it brings, and stare at my reflection. My under eyes are hollow and heavily shadowed even though I’ve mostly slept the past few days. Yet I don’t think I’ve ever felt fatigue quite like this—the weight of everything that’s happened playing heavily on my mind. I need to pull myself together; I know that and yet I feel stuck in this weird place, like this isn’t real.
After a quick rinse in the shower, as quickly as my body physically allows, I carefully dry off and change into some fresh clothes Avery packed for me. Grateful to find my favourite oversized sweater andpair of my thick leggings, the soft fabric comforting against my skin.
When I step out into the living room, to my surprise, it’s Elliot, not River, seated at the table—a steaming cup of tea on a coaster opposite him .
“Morning, sweetheart. I sent River home to shower, so you get me for breakfast.”
My cheeks heat. I know it wasn’t meant as an innuendo, but I can’t help the visual that filters through my mind of me on my knees for him.
“Morning,” I reply, my voice breathy as I join him at the table. Thankfully, the sweet bergamot aroma calms some of my frayed edges.
I bring the tea to my lips and inhale softly before taking a sip, perfect.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Are you hungry?” he asks. This time, my mind doesn’t wander, and I consider saying no, but I also know I need to try at least and eat something.
“I can make you some dippy eggs,” he offers.
“Dippy eggs,” I repeat.
He smiles. “Yeah, comfort food,” I swear, his cheeks warm.
“That actually sounds nice, thank you.”
“I’m glad you think so, it’s one of my few staples,” he says with a boyish grin andpushes to his feet, and I watch as he walks towards the kitchen.
I glance around. “Where’s Jackson?”
“He’s speaking to Tommy. They’ll all be back soon.”
I nod, taking another sip of tea, the warmth spreading through me. I watch Elliot move around the kitchen, the sight of him so domesticated it almost feels surreal. But my thoughts soon drift back to Mia. I can’t shake the feeling of unease. The need to see her in the flesh to know she’s safe, the uncertainty gnawing at me.
“Here you go.” Elliot’s voice pulls me back to the present. He places a plate before me, two egg cups with two dippy eggs and toasted soldiers. I offer him a small smile.
“Thank you,” I say softly, picking up a soldier and dipping it into the yolk. The familiar taste brings a small comfort .
Elliot sits across from me, his rich brown eyes watching me intently.
“I know things are all over the place right now, but you’re not alone. You know that, right? We’re all here for you.”
I nod, grateful for his words but unable to fully absorb them. I take another bite, but suddenly, the simple act of eating feels like an immense task. But sitting across from Elliot, I knowhe’s right and that, for the first time, I’m no longer alone.
After finishing my breakfast, it’s not long before Jackson, River, and Tommy enter the living room. Their combined presence settles over me like a security blanket. It’s brief but welcome.
Jackson approaches me first. “I want you and Tommy on the road sooner rather than later,” he says, taking my hand in his. “Are you ready to go, Duchess?”
I glance at each man surrounding me and give a soft nod. “Yes, I just need to grab my stuff from my room.”
“On it,” River says, disappearing into the room.
I swallow, my nerves getting the best of me, and squeeze my eyes closed.
Jackson palms my cheek, causing my eyelids to flutter open. “If you weren’t at risk, I’d have you stay with us, all of us. You know that, right?”
His face contorts with a mix of emotion, showing the truth in his words.
“I do,” I reply.
“You’ll have a burner phone and a tablet, so you’ll be able to speak to any of us at any given time, including Avery.”
“Thank you.” My words are barely above a whisper at his thoughtfulness.
And then he brings his lips to the shell of my ear. “I promise we’ll get Mia home to you safe, and he will pay. ”
His eyes move to my lips, a moment of indecision I don’t allow him to make. I go up on my tiptoes, my hand moving to the back of his neck, and I pull him to me until his mouth meets mine.He reacts immediately, taking control of the kiss, unhurried and yet possessive, before he reluctantly releases me.
River returns with my holdall and vanity, and I find myself in front of Elliot, whose expression is almost haunted. He hesitates before gently pulling me into a hug, and I melt into his body, inhaling his now-familiar scent. His warm breath skates over the shell of my ear as he whispers, “We won’t rest until we find them, sweetheart. You have my word.”
I pull back with a nod, unable to form a reply.
His eyes flick to my mouth as he gravitates towards me, I wait in anticipation as he leans in, his lips ghosting over mine in a brief but tender kiss. River comes up beside us and immediately pulls me into his arms, barely giving Elliot time to let me go.
The guilt they all feel is palpable. Their reactions alone are enough to show me how much they care. It’s a complex web of emotions that I can’t even begin to decipher.
“Can I kiss you,” River says against my cheek.
I give a subtle nod and a softly whispered, “Yes.”
His lips trace my cheek and then the corner of my mouth.
And much like Elliot, the kiss is slow and gentle. It ends too quickly, his hazel eyes taking in my features before Tommy’s voice breaks the moment.
“We need to go, Sunshine,” he says gently, breaking the silence. “The sooner we get on the road, the better.”
River nods, stepping back reluctantly. I turn to Tommy, my face set with determination despite the tremor in my hands.
“I’m ready.” Two words that couldn’t be further from the truth. Leaving these three men behind feels like I’m leaving part of myself, and I’m not sure I understand the ramifications of that epiphany.