Chapter 27
I’m Not Giving Up
Mia
I walked around the neighborhood aimlessly, my head spinning.
I’d prepared to say good-bye to Justin. It was going to hurt like hell, but I’d known this would only be a memory, something that I’d pull out to relive when things were tough.
I’d gotten too close, but if I never saw him again, I’d have this. Our situation was still impossible.
Except Justin thought it wasn’t. He would sacrifice his career to make us work. Something cold and empty inside me warmed at the thought. I might as well admit, at least to myself, that I loved Justin too.
Eleven years ago, when we’d had that last fight, this was what I’d wanted—him to make me his first priority, even though I couldn’t do the same for him.
Then, I’d have agreed that we could overcome all obstacles.
But I was eleven years smarter. And while my heart wanted to say yes, love wasn’t going to conquer all.
I had Arne in addition to my family to consider this time, not just what Justin or I wanted.
I stopped at the local park, where Justin and I had fought eleven years ago. This time of day there were moms with kids, a few teenagers probably skipping school, and some seniors, all enjoying the nice weather. I sat on a bench and struggled to push aside emotion for logic.
If Justin had given up everything for me all those years ago, there’d have been fallout neither of us was prepared for.
Our idea about going to SFU would never have worked if he didn’t have money—like he’d said.
He’d have felt guilty about letting his family down, especially when I was still putting mine first. And when Bruce lost his job and everything depended on me? That would have finished us.
Things had changed since then, on his side. Jess was fine. She had her boyfriend, and her degree, and her money problems were over. His parents, well, maybe they hadn’t changed much, but Justin had set boundaries.
But what about his teammates? The guys who’d become his family in Toronto?
He’d hate letting them down. They were counting on him, and as much as I had tried to avoid news about JJ of the Toronto Blaze, he was an important part of that team.
There was Fitch, who’d come with him when he first arrived to help him out.
And Cooper, who stopped in to be sure Justin was playing this fall.
They needed JJ. If Justin left the team and they lost their chance at the Cup, how resentful would Justin be?
If not right away, eventually? Or what if they won and he missed out?
I didn’t want him to give up hockey. It wasn’t just his career, but his friends and his support. Especially not when it was such an important year for his team.
If he stayed with the team and we tried long-distance, wouldn’t he figure out that I was a bad bargain?
He said he’d never really gotten over us, over me, but I couldn’t do that much for him.
I’d be a drain, bringing him down, just like I had with Erik.
Not to mention what it would do to Arne, who admired Mr. Justin.
I couldn’t let Arne believe something was happening there when it would end.
Yeah, I had issues. And long-distance dating with a hockey player wouldn’t help. I could hear Bruce in my head, dripping poison. My mom, worried that any day I might leave. Erik—would he make a push to get custody of Arne because of his jealousy over Justin? I dropped my head in my hands.
It wasn’t fair, that I had to carry my family. If it wasn’t for Mom, I’d walk away. It would be hard for Arne, but we could make it. Mom, however, wasn’t going to leave the others, and no one else would make sure she was okay.
I loved Justin. I wanted what was best for him, and I wasn’t it. But how did I make him see? This wasn’t like last time. No one would manipulate him into changing his mind. But I had to make sure he made the best decision for him, not me.
As long as he was happy. That would be enough happiness for me. It would have to be.
Justin
It won’t work. I can’t leave my family. Please give me space.
I’d been gathering up arguments, thinking of ways I could support her so that this could work. But Mia pulled a play out of my book and avoided me. She sent a damned text message, making sure that I couldn’t sway her, and asked me to leave her alone.
She was scared. I got it. But what was I supposed to do? If I stayed, got a trade or retired, would she let me in? Or would she push me away, sacrificing herself to make someone else happy?
I was antsy, desperate to do something, but there was nothing to be done.
My agent called, said the team wanted to see me in Toronto ASAP.
There was no point in risking my career if it wouldn’t get me Mia.
The ticket I’d bought was sitting there, ready for me to leave.
Maybe it was a sign to give her that space.
There was one person I could talk to about this, someone who would want what was best for me as me—Justin, not JJ. I called my twin.
“Justin! How are you?”
“Good.” Physically, at least. “The hand is almost back to normal.”
“Well, don’t punch any more teammates.” Her voice was dry.
I smiled. “I won’t. The team asked to see me back in Toronto.”
“Is that good or bad?” The teasing was gone.
“Why would you think bad?”
“What if they want to trade you?”
Instead of making me nervous, I actually felt excited. “Did Alek hear something?”
“Why would he?”
“I don’t know. Maybe his agent is more in the loop than mine. Nothing can be officially discussed till July first.” Which was only a couple of weeks away.
“Right. So, it’s good?”
“It’s probably about Cooper’s plan. They want to be sure I’m in.”
“And you are, right?”
I paused.
Jess picked up on that immediately. “What is it? Mia?”
I let out a breath. “I told Mia I’d ask for a trade to Vancouver, or Seattle. Or retire.”
Silence for a moment. Then her voice went up. “Justin, really? After just a few weeks? Are you guys together again?”
I wished. “She said no.”
“Wow. You’ve been holding out on me.”
It had been too fragile to make public. And might hurt Mia with her employer. “I’m not good at talking about personal things.”
“You’re supposed to be working on that.”
“I am. I talked to Dad. Mia and I talked about what happened when we broke up. And I’m talking to you now, before anyone else.”
A gentle sigh escaped her. “Okay, I don’t mean to jump on you. You get to decide what you’re comfortable sharing. But since we are discussing it…what’s up?”
“She’s still tied to her family. Pretty sure she’s afraid I’ll have regrets.”
“Will you?”
“My biggest regret is leaving her eleven years ago. And leaving her now, the way her life is?” I filled Jess in on the changes to Mia’s circumstances.
Jess hmmed. “You’re okay with taking on someone else’s kid?”
“Do you think I’d be good as a stepdad?”
“I think you’d be great as a dad or stepdad.”
Her confidence was reassuring. “Arne is a good kid. He wants to play hockey.”
I could almost hear Jess rolling her eyes. “Okay, so the kid is not a problem. But what are you going to do?”
“I have to go to Toronto to see what the team wants. Which means I might not be back in BC before you and Alek get here. I’ve gone through the boxes in the house that are mine, done the tools in the shed, the yard stuff.
The pots and utensils in the kitchen are all good, but you can check over the baking things. ”
“Don’t worry about it. The house will be fine.”
“We’ll have to decide what to do with it, if I don’t retire or get traded and if you don’t end up staying here.”
“We will. We managed while Grandma was in the home.”
“We need to do better. The yard doesn’t look the same. The house doesn’t feel right empty.”
“Justin.” Her voice was soft. “You did good. It will never be the same as when she was there. That’s okay.”
I huffed. “She’d be disappointed.”
“She’d be thrilled that you want to live there. And understand if you didn’t. She just wanted us to be happy. So, are you coming back to BC this summer or staying in Toronto?”
“Should I come back to try to change her mind, or give her the space she asked for?”
She didn’t answer for a moment, and when she did, her voice was soft. “If someone asks for room, you have to listen to them.”
A long sigh escaped. “I was afraid of that.”
“Sorry. But at the end of the day, she has to make her own decisions. You’ll be okay?”
Okay was relative. “Yeah. This isn’t over. It’s been eleven years and I still love her. I can give her space, but I’m not giving up.”
“And her family?”
“I’ll find a way.” Fuck knew what that would be.
“I’ll check on her when I’m in PoCo. She didn’t ask me for space, so I can do some work for you there. I’ll keep you posted.”
“Thank you, Jess. How are you and Alek?”
“Good. Really good. I gave work my notice, and even though I don’t know what I’ll be doing, I’m excited about the possibilities.”
“And Alek?”
“He’s analyzing all the teams with his agent, trying to figure out where he can go after the season ends.”
“Any particular places look good?”
“He won’t tell me anything. Says it’s bad karma.”
“He probably has something he’s hoping for and doesn’t want to jinx it.”
“Why are hockey players so superstitious?”
“Just be glad he’s not a goalie.”
I had one last thing to do before I left BC. I took the ferry over to Victoria and surprised my parents.
It wasn’t a long visit. Mom was stiff and didn’t meet my eyes.
Dad tried to be an intermediary, but he was mostly concerned with Mom.
I told them I’d been hurt by what they did eleven years ago, and by the way they’d lied and cheated me since.
That I’d put Jess in the middle, and it had hurt her as well.
They were my family, but I needed them to understand and apologize for the things they’d done that hurt their children.
They didn’t. So I left.
My therapist was right—facing that pain was freeing. Unfortunately, the hole that Mia had left in my heart still hurt, and that wasn’t changing.