Chapter 19
I’m back at work, but I’m uneasy. I haven’t heard from Jordan since July third. It’s now the fifth. I had a lovely holiday with my family. We had a block party, and several of our neighbors shot off fireworks. After it was over, we loaded everybody back into the SUV and went back to the city.
Angie breezes in two minutes before nine and gives me a sympathetic look, which I have no idea why.
“How are you doing?” she asks.
“Fine. Why do you ask?”
“You haven’t seen them then.”
“Seen what?”
“The pictures on the internet. The gossip sites.”
“Angie, make sense. Why would I look at them? You know that’s not my thing.”
“You’re going to want to see these,” she taps an address into the search bar, and up comes one of the gossip sites. The headline is about the opening of the new film, Feral , starring Natalie Salas. As Angie scrolls through the pictures of the premiere party, I spot several of Jordan. In a couple, he looks quite cozy with Natalie. I immediately feel nauseous .
“That doesn’t mean anything. They dated for a while, and Jordan told me that their friends.”
“What about this one?”
It was taken at a restaurant. Jordan is speaking with Natalie, and his hand is firmly flat on her tanned upper chest. I’ve seen the look on his face before when he’s wanted to make love to me. It’s one of desire. In another, they’re lip-locked, and it’s obvious they thought they weren’t going to be caught. Whoever took the picture did it from a distance.
“I don’t know what to say,” my voice hoarse.
“Have you spoken to him?”
“Not since the third. He hasn’t answered any of my texts or calls.”
“I’m sorry. I just thought you should know. Are you going to be okay?”
“I think so.”
Angie clicks off the site and settles into work. I feel like a vise is squeezing my chest. I’m finding it almost impossible to breathe. Jordan cheated on me and did it in a very public fashion. I feel like an asshole. He fed me some bullshit, and I ate it up like a fool. I was just a holding place until he got back together with Natalie. It just proves that I was right. I’m not for him. All the doubts I was having about our relationship have come true.
I spend the rest of the day trying to hold it together, waiting for the privacy of my apartment to cry it out. I’m on the verge of tears, and as soon as I enter my place, I sink to the floor and fall apart. I wish Nathaniel were here. I need his comfort.
No communication from Jordan confirms the pictures. I don’t need to hear it from his mouth because the photos don’t lie. By Friday, I’m almost cried out and ready to tell Nate. I call him on my lunch hour, hoping that he’ll be awake. I haven’t heard from him either, and I’m not sure of his schedule. When his cheerful voice comes on the line, I start crying again.
“Baby girl, what’s up? ”
“Nate, he cheated.”
“Who? Jordan?”
“Yes. At the premiere of Feral with Natalie Salas. Angie showed me the pictures. I haven’t heard from him since Monday. He hasn’t answered my texts or calls, nothing.”
“I’ll fucking kill him.”
“It doesn’t matter. I knew it would never work out.”
“Are you going to be alright?”
“No.”
“Come out here. Hop the Jitney bus and stay with me over the weekend. Call in sick on Monday.”
It’s so tempting to do what Nate says. If I go, he won’t judge me, which is what I love so much about him. I make a quick decision. I need him.
“I’ll come. Give me the address.”
He rattles off the address while I scribble it down on a piece of paper along with the club address that he’ll be at.
“Stop by the house first. I’ll let my housemates know. Then come to the club.”
“Okay.”
“Emma, promise me you’ll do it.”
“I promise. I’ll make the Jitney reservation as soon as I get back from lunch.”
“Good. I can’t wait to see you. Don’t worry; I’ll make you forget.”
“Thanks, Nate. I love you.”
“Love you too, baby girl. See you tonight.”
I head inside and go to my desk to make the reservation for the Jitney. I hate feeling this way, and I hope a weekend with Nate will help. I just want the pain to go away. I can’t believe Jordan would do this to me after the things he said. How can you go from wanting to marry someone to cheating on them in a span of a few days? It’s inconceivable to me.
I’m like a ghost for the rest of the day. Even Angie hasn’t said anything to me. I guess my red-rimmed eyes and sniffling have told her that I don’t want to talk about it. I just need time. At 4:55, I race out of the building and grab a cab hoping that I can avoid some of the rush hour traffic. I’m lucky, and it’s not that bad.
I grab my duffel bag and pack things for the beach and sun. I pack a couple of outfits for the club and toss in a couple of pairs of heels. The bus leaves at 8:15, and I should get to Southhampton by 11:15. I’ll try to sleep for a little while on the way since I’m sure I’ll be up with Nate until the wee hours of the morning.
When I finish packing, I take a quick shower and put on a sundress and some sandals. It’s not clubwear, but Nate left my name at the door, so it’s good enough. I’m in no mood to impress anyone. I should eat, but I haven’t felt well since I saw the pictures. I better not just in case.
I flick on the television to watch some of the news before I leave for the pickup spot. My phone rings and I see it’s Jordan’s number. Fuck him. I don’t want to hear his lame excuses. I let it go to voicemail. When it chirps, letting me know a message is waiting, I check it.
“Doll, I’m sorry that I haven’t called you. I’ve been so busy with things. Please call me back. I need to hear your voice. I love you.”
Tears flood my eyes, and I angrily swipe them away. “Things?” Like fucking Natalie Salas. If he thinks I’m that stupid. I debate whether to call him back, but in the end, I do. I hold my breath, hoping that he doesn’t answer, and I’m fortunate. I leave him a message.
“Jordan, I can’t do this with you any longer. You want what you want. How was the premiere of Feral? I saw the pictures. How could you do that to me? You said you loved me. How do you go from wanting to marry me to cheating in forty-eight hours? Don’t contact me again. We’re through.”
I jam the end call button, and his voicemail disconnects. It’s time for me to leave. I grab my duffel bag and take a cab to the bus stop. I hear my phone in my purse going off, both texts and calls. I refuse to upset myself with his excuses until I’m with Nate. By the time I get to the bus stop, my cell has silenced.
I’m tempted to look at my phone, but I know that there is nowhere for me to hide if I get upset. Instead, I lay my head back on the seat and doze. I’m so tired that even the chatter going on around me doesn’t stop me from falling asleep. The woman next to me rouses me when we arrive in Southhampton. It’s dark, and I get off the bus and immediately hail a cab to take me to Nate’s house.
Only one person is at the house when I arrive. A young man about my age with stringing black hair and a slight build: he’s wearing a pair of colorful board shorts and nothing else.
“You, Emma?”
I nod, and he lets me in, pointing towards Nate’s room. I thank him and head down the hallway. Surprisingly, the room is neat after the disaster that he left at home. There is only one queen-size bed, so we’ll be sharing. I put my bag down and decide to change out of my sundress rather than go to the club in it.
I slip on a dark blue clingy dress with a plunging neckline that comes to mid-thigh. After I freshen up my makeup, I slip on a pair of four-inch heels and call an Uber. It arrives within a half-hour, and I get to the club a little after midnight. The bouncer at the door, a large man of Asian descent with a black crew cut, takes my name, checks the list, and lets me inside.
Nate is up on the DJ deck and has the place going nuts with his fast beats and hard base. I wave to get his attention, and he gives me a wide smile. I find a high table and order a rum and coke from a passing waitress. My plan is to get a few drinks in me before I look at my phone. I need liquid courage. As long as Nate is nearby, I feel strong enough to do it.
By my third drink and after several dances with three different men, I feel buzzed enough to look at my phone. I take it out of my purse and notice my hands are shaking. I don’t know what to expect. On the main screen, I see several texts from Jordan, and I swipe to the messages.
Talk to me! I won’t let you leave me. I did go to the premiere of Feral; I’ll admit that, but I never cheated on you. I wouldn’t do that. What pictures? I don’t understand. You need to talk to me. I can’t be left in the dark.
Please, Emma, don’t do this to me, to us. I love you so much. Please talk to me.
I can’t believe you won’t call me to discuss this. I can’t defend myself against something I have no clue about. What pictures?
If you’re not going to talk to me, I’m coming home. I’m not prepared to lose you no matter what you think I did. I love you, and only you. You mean so much to me.
His words shattered my heart. How could he lie? Didn’t he think I was going to find out about Natalie? It’s too loud in the club for me to listen to the voice messages that he left, so I wave to Nate and point towards the door. He nods, and I walk outside. I call my voicemail, and the minute I hear Jordan’s voice, I start to cry. He sounds so tortured, the same way I feel.
“Emma, please baby, answer the phone. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Where did you see these pictures? I never cheated on you. I wouldn’t do that to you. You’re too important to me. I love you. Please.”
“Baby, I can’t lose you. You’re so special to me. Nothing means more to me than you…”
His voice trails off, and it sounds like he’s crying as he hangs up. I almost feel some satisfaction that he sounds as miserable as I feel. Did he think that he could do what he wanted while I was tucked safely away in New York? Did he think with someone as high profile as Natalie Salas that word wouldn’t get out?
I’m digging in my purse for a tissue to wipe at my tears when Nate comes outside.
“You okay, baby girl?”
“Yes. I was just listening to the voicemails from Jordan. He left a couple and a bunch of texts trying to explain his bullshit.”
“Are you going to let him explain?”
“No, it’s over. How can he explain away pictures? I feel like a fool. I believed his crap. I just want it to be over. I don’t owe him anything.”
“No, you don’t. Come back inside. The club is closing in another half hour. We can go home after that and talk.”
“I don’t want to talk, Nate. I just want you to hold me.”
“I can do that. Let me wind down the crowd.”
At 3:45 AM, I’m snuggled in bed with Nate. This is what I needed. His arms securely around me, giving me the comfort that only he can provide. He’s always been there for me, and I sometimes take that for granted.
“Baby girl, are you going to survive this breakup?”
“I’ll be fine.”
He buries his head in my hair, “Will you? I worry about you.”
“It was like a match, our relationship. It flamed, burned brightly, and was extinguished very quickly. It’s done. Jordan wasn’t for me. Deep down inside, I knew it, and I think he did too. He just didn’t want to admit it.”
“It’s just that I won’t be there, and you’ll go through this shit on your own.”
“I have Lexi, Megan, and Angie. They all understand.”
“If you need me, I’ll drop this gig in two seconds to come back.”
“No. You can’t do that. Your career is just starting to take off. Soon you’ll be in demand and have more jobs than you can handle.”
“I wish that was true.”
“You know it is. Don’t let the shadow of your parents drag you down. You’re talented, and you deserve success.”
“Thanks, Em,” he plants a kiss on my forehead, then in the dark, his lips seek out mine, and he softly kisses them. I’m buzzed, and I don’t want to misinterpret his motives, so I let it pass.
“Goodnight, Nathaniel.”
“Goodnight, baby girl.”
I sleep with his arms around me all night, waking with the sun streaming through the window. The small bedside clock reads 11:51 AM.
“Nate, wake up.”
“What’s up?” he says sleepily.
“It’s almost noon. ”
“I don’t have to be at the club for soundcheck until seven. Are you coming with me tonight?”
“I could, or I could stay here.”
“I want you to come with me.”
“Okay, I’ll go. Tomorrow I have off. We can spend the entire night just lazing around, hanging out on the beach, and maybe having a few drinks.”
“That’s awesome. We haven’t spent the day together in a long time.”
Watching Nate work is a treat. He doesn’t give himself credit, but I know that he deserves all the praise that people give him. The music he plays and the mixes he puts together really keep the club moving. It doesn’t surprise me that this club has booked him for all of July and is trying to get him to change his commitment from the other club for August. Things are beginning to happen.
Jordan has texted me multiple times, but rather than torture myself, I’ve deleted them before I read one word. I need the wound on my heart to start healing. Hearing his voice and reading his words will just tear the scab off over and over. I’m sure he went to my apartment several times and might even have asked Nicky if he knew where I was.
I drink way too much since Nate is paying. By the time we get out of the club, I’m drunk, and he practically has to carry me in and out of the car that his housemate uses. He undresses me down to my bra and panties and slips me into bed, putting a pot next to it in case I have to throw up. Fortunately, I don’t, but I have a ripper of a hangover the next day. Aspirin and several Gatorades later, I’m ready for the beach. I slip on a bikini that Nate surveys when I come out of the bathroom.
“Damn, girl, you can break some hearts in that.”
I look down. Not bad for someone that doesn’t work out much. My stomach is taut, and my legs and arms, slim. I haven’t been eating much this week, so I probably lost a few pounds. I smile at him, and he throws me a towel.
Even though the sting of Jordan is still there, I push it to the back of my brain and enjoy the day. Nate is home tonight, so we can do whatever. I’d like to walk on the beach and maybe sit listening to the waves as they hit the shore. Several of his housemates are also off, and we have a barbecue on the large deck facing the ocean.
Later that night, wearing shorts and a t-shirt, Nate takes me out to the beach, and we walk in the moonlight, hand in hand. He brought a blanket with him and spreads it out on the sand so we can lie down and look at the stars. I’ve had a couple of drinks and Nate a few beers. We talk, and I can see him hanging on every word.
“Lie next to me.”
I do, placing my head on his chest to listen to his beating heart. He gently rolls me over and hovers above. His lips meet mine, and his tongue tenderly pushes against my lips, asking for entry. I open, and it caresses my own. I softly moan, not realizing that this is Nate. My best friend. He kneads my breast with his hand, rubbing my nipple through the cotton of my t-shirt.
“Emma, I want you.”
I place my hand on his chest, pushing him away.
“Nate, what is this? What are you doing?”
“I’ve always wanted you.”
I climb through the alcohol that was dulling my senses, “No. How? Since when?”
“Since forever. Since I’ve known you.”
I’m angry that he would choose this time to make his feelings known. My break up is so new. I sit up and glare at him.
“You had all this time in between, and you wait until now? You wait until I’m vulnerable and hurting? Why, Nate? ”
“I wasn’t good enough for you. Things are happening now. I have money to take care of you.”
“Your money wouldn’t matter to me.”
“Gee, I’m sorry that this doesn’t work for you,” he snaps.
“Nate, I need a friend now. You can’t just spring this on me and expect me to fall into your arms.”
“I think this is a perfect time. You need someone like me. Someone that knows you. I know everything about you, Emma, even the embarrassing things.”
I feel my face begin to heat. He does know everything. At the time I told him, I was telling a friend, not a potential mate.
“I have to get out of here. You can’t do this to me,” I cry.
“Emma, why are you getting so worked up? I told you I love you. I want to be with you. I want to be a couple.”
“My head is all fucked up. I can’t give that to you. Damn you, Nathaniel, why couldn’t you wait or tell me sooner.”
“You know what, you are fucked up. You want to go, go. I put my heart out there, and this is what I get? Just remember who was always there when you needed him. Me. All the signs were there; you just couldn’t read them.”
“I have to go. I need to go home.”
“I’ll have my housemate take you to the train.”
I get home from Southampton at 3:15 AM on Monday. I had no intention of going into work anyway and set my alarm for eight, so I can call the office to let them know I’m not coming in.
I only fall asleep from exhaustion. My mind is twisting in fifty different directions. I don’t know what possessed me, but I listened to the other voicemails Jordan left me while I was on the train. Each message sounded sadder and sadder, his voice cracking to the point where I was sure he was actively crying.
My life is a mess. My best friend hates me because I won’t return his love. I love Nate, but I can’t see us as a couple. We’re too different. He’s a night person; I like the day. He loves to party, and I’d rather sit down with a good book. He can be impulsive and brooding; I’m more practical and even-tempered.
To top it off, I can’t shut my feelings for Jordan down as easily as I say I can. I’m still in love with him. I’m sure there’s an explanation for his cheating, but I’m too hurt to be rational about it right now. I want to hit something hard. So hard that my hand bleeds so, I can feel.
I toss and turn, maybe getting one hour of sleep. When my clock buzzes, I call work and tell them that I’m sick and not coming in today. I settle back into bed and fall asleep until late in the afternoon. Today is not the day for me to give a shit. I take my phone out of my purse, and I delete another string of texts from Jordan. I listen to the voicemails he leaves, and I know he’s been here looking for me.
Food sounds horrible, even though I haven’t eaten in almost twenty-four hours. The only thing I want is a drink of water. My phone rings while I’m waiting for the tap water to get cold, and I want to ignore it, but I look and see that it’s Lexi.
“Hello?”
“What the fuck is going on, Emma?”
“What? Why?”
“Jordan called Hunter at the office and said he didn’t know where you were. So, where are you?”
“I’m home.”
“He told Hunter he’s been to your place several times, and you weren’t there.”
“I was with Nate in Southampton for the weekend.”
Her voice softens, “Emma, do you want to tell me what is going on?”
I exhale loudly and the whole fucked up story of Jordan, Nate, the shit that is my life tumbles out of my mouth like vomit. I just can’t stop until it’s in the open. Lexi hesitates before she speaks .
“Why didn’t you tell me before? Last week when it first happened?”
“Because I always dump my crap on everyone. I wanted to deal with this alone, with Nate and now I don’t even have him. What am I going to do about him? I can’t lose him. He’s my best friend.”
“Emma, you need to decide who you want, and you need to talk to Jordan. You can’t assume something and not allow him to tell you his side of the story.”
“Lexi, I saw the pictures. How can you explain them away?”
“Maybe there is an explanation. Talk to him.”
“I don’t want to. My relationships always turn to shit. I can’t do this anymore. I’m better off alone.”
“You know, Megan said the same thing until she finally opened her heart and look where it got her?”
“Chase left her.”
“But he came back because he loved her. She gave it a chance and look what happened. It worked out. If you keep being afraid of being hurt, you’re never going to find someone to be with.”
“I need time.”
“Whatever you need, take it, but don’t leave Jordan dangling. He loves you; you love him. Figure it out.”