Paralyzed

Chapter 11

C lasses went by fast, with no sign of Alan. Nathan was surprised Alan hadn’t made an appearance. Professor Johns gave Nathan the cold shoulder when Nathan entered the classroom, but at least Johns didn’t call him out in front of everyone. Troy had supplied him with all the notes from the lectures, and Nathan had managed not to fall behind.

At lunch, Troy surprised him by handing him a small black cell phone. Nathan instantly protested. “Troy! I told you not to do this!”

Troy shrugged. “It’s prepaid, Nate. At least this way I can get a hold of you when I need to, and you have it in case of an emergency. I told you the other day I was going to get you one, and I did. Deal with it.”

“Damn it, Troy,” Nathan growled, still trying to hand it back to Troy.

Refusing it, Troy picked up the sandwich he’d bought from the campus café and took a bite. “I’m not taking it, Nate. Just accept the damned phone,” he mumbled around his food.

Nathan grunted and stuffed it in the pocket of his hoodie. “I’ll pay you back for it.”

“I won’t take it,” Troy said.

“Damn it, Troy! Why are you so pigheaded?”

Troy swallowed the bite and laughed out loud. “There’s that pot calling the kettle black again.”

Snarling, Nathan took a vicious bite of the sandwich he’d also gotten, chewing furiously.

“Come on, Nate. It didn’t cost that much, and I feel safer knowing you have one. Okay?”

Nathan looked down at the tabletop and then sighed. “Fine. I don’t have to like it, though.”

Troy reached out and patted Nathan’s shoulder. “Thanks, Nate. It has about three hundred minutes on it. When you get close to running out, it’ll notify you.”

Nathan nodded and continued eating in silence. He didn’t feel comfortable accepting the phone from Troy, but he knew Troy was worried about him.

“So, you want to tell me what the hell happened yesterday?” Troy asked. “Curtis was not happy. I told him your migraine came back. He took the excuse, but I’m not sure he believed me.”

Wincing, Nathan set the last couple of bites of his sandwich down. “I’ll go see him before work to apologize. I know I deserve to lose the gig. Last night…”

“What happened, Nate? Come on, man, we tell each other everything, and ever since that bastard Alan came into the picture, you haven’t been honest with me. Talk to me.”

Nathan hesitated to tell Troy exactly what went down the night before. He knew his friend would get angry. “I’m sorry, Troy. This whole thing has me confused and I don’t know what to do. Alan wants me to help him by telling Erik something he can’t even remember.”

“And you don’t want Erik to know about your gift,” Troy interjected.

“I know it’s wrong,” Nathan said. “But I don’t want to let go of how I feel when I’m around him. It’s so selfish, and I’m an asshole for not keeping my promise to Alan.”

“You aren’t selfish, and you aren’t an asshole, Nate. I’ve seen the way you look at Erik and the way he looks at you. I thought he was going to pick you up last night and take you to the nearest hospital. It took a lot to keep him from doing that, and even then, he insisted on staying until you were better.” Troy touched the back of Nathan’s hand. “Did Alan find out?”

Nathan jerked his head up. Troy had always amazed him whenever he guessed things so easily. “He did.”

Fury built in Troy’s expression. “What did he do, Nate?”

“It’s nothing, Troy. It’s over. I didn’t do anything stupid. I just… needed to get away for a little while.”

Troy knew Nathan’s aversion to the olanzapine and how it made him feel. “It wasn’t nothing, Nate. Whatever he did made you do something you normally wouldn’t. I swear, if he wasn’t already dead, I’d kill him again myself.”

“Troy!” Nathan admonished quietly, gaze flitting around to see if anyone had overheard him.

“I’m torn whether to tell you to just get it over with so that prick can go away, or to keep it to yourself for now,” Troy muttered.

Nathan could deeply relate to Troy’s words. He’d been struggling with that very thing for the last few days. “Maybe I should just tell Erik,” Nathan said. “I mean, I only met him a week ago. It’s not like I’m in love with him or anything.”

“Maybe not yet,” Troy said. “But in the entire time I’ve known you, Nate, I’ve never seen you show interest in anyone, and you’ve smiled more in the last three days than you have in the last six years. Your entire face lights up when you see him.”

Nathan blushed. “I do not!”

Troy chuckled. “Yeah, you do, dude.”

Covering his face with his hands, Nathan groaned. “Stop! Guys aren’t supposed to talk about shit like this.”

“Why not? We’re best friends. Don’t I talk about the girls I like all the time?” Troy asked.

“That’s different.”

Troy snorted. “Why?”

“Because… it just is,” Nathan said.

When Troy didn’t respond, Nathan dropped his hands back to the table to find Troy watching him with a strange expression. Nathan fidgeted in his seat a bit. “What?” he finally demanded.

“I’m just happy for you, Nate. I think he’s good for you. Just promise me one thing,” Troy said.

Nathan raised an eyebrow at him.

“Be careful. I don’t want to see you hurt again.”

It may be too late for that .

The rest of the day went by quickly and Nathan later found himself on a bus to Java Bean. He needed to apologize to Curtis in person for missing last night’s gig. When he arrived, the coffee shop was busy, and he couldn’t see Curtis anywhere. Bella waved when she saw him and hurried over to him.

“What happened to you last night?” Bella demanded. “Curtis is pretty pissed.”

Nathan winced. “I figured he would be. Is he in the back?”

“He’s in his office.”

“Thanks, Bella.”

Small tables filled an area around a short platform on one side of the café, while the main counter and kitchen area were directly across from them. More tables littered the sidewalk outside. Nathan had never been overly fond of the varying shades of oranges and browns used to decorate the shop, but Curtis loved the colors, saying it reminded him of a place he’d visited in Spain during his youth.

Nathan headed to the back, passing the restrooms and making his way to the stockroom. A shoebox-sized office took up part of the space. The door stood cracked open, and Nathan could see Curtis sitting at his desk through the slit. Taking a deep breath, he knocked, wondering what he planned on telling Curtis.

“Come in,” Curtis barked, causing Nathan to flinch.

Curtis was most definitely pissed. Nathan slowly pushed the door open. “Hey, Curtis.”

A glare froze him in place. “What the hell, Nate?”

“I’m really sorry,” Nathan muttered.

“One night I could understand, but you didn’t even bother to call last night. You better have a damned good excuse!” Curtis slammed his hand down on his desk.

Nathan didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t exactly tell Curtis the truth.

“Well?” Curtis demanded. “Was it the migraine again?”

Figuring he better give Curtis something, he nodded. “I really am sorry, Curtis. You know I would never want to jeopardize my gig here, but if you don’t want to keep me, I can’t blame you.”

Curtis sighed, his anger dissipating, and leaned back in his chair. “I’m not going to fire you, Nate.”

“Thank you!” Nathan breathed.

“What’s going on with you? You’ve never not shown up or called before.”

Nathan shifted in discomfort. “Nothing’s going on, Curtis. I passed out and by the time I woke up, it was too late to call you. I feel awful about leaving you in the lurch like that.”

Skepticism shone on Curtis’ face. “Why do I think you’re hiding something?”

“I’m not!”

Curtis still didn’t seem to believe him, but he didn’t press the issue. “Try to be here on time Saturday, okay?”

“I will! I promise!”

Nathan scurried from the office before Curtis could even contemplate changing his mind. He didn’t want to give Curtis a chance to fire him. Troy was at the counter when he exited the back room.

“Everything okay?” Troy asked before taking a sip of the coffee he’d ordered.

“He didn’t fire me,” Nathan said.

“That’s great. Isn’t it?”

“It is. I still feel terrible, though.”

“Don’t. Shit happens, Nate. You’ve done nothing like that before, and I’m sure you’ll never do it again. Curtis knows it too. He’s just being a dick.” They walked to the front door, and Troy held it open for Nate. “Come on, I’ll give you a ride to work.”

“Thanks.”

“Anytime.” They got in Troy’s car and buckled up. “You off at ten as usual?” Troy asked once they were on their way to the music store.

“Yeah, but you don’t have to worry about picking me up. Erik is going to be there.”

“Oh?” Troy raised an eyebrow.

Nathan flushed and fingered the zipper on his hoodie. “Stop.”

“What? I told you already I think he’s good for you, bro. Just make sure if he doesn’t show up to call me to come get you, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. I can take care of myself.”

Troy grunted. “I know you can. But if you’re making a trip to the bank, you better not go alone.”

Nathan scowled. “I’ll be fine, Troy.”

“We’ve already talked about this, Nate. Do you want me to show up at ten, anyway?”

Rolling his eyes, Nathan huffed. “No, Dad .”

Troy pulled up to the curb in front of the store and mock punched Nathan’s arm. “Don’t forget, Son .”

“Pfft. Anyway, thanks for the ride. I’ll see you later, okay?”

“Tell Erik I said hi!” Troy grinned.

Nathan sighed and opened his door, climbed out, and slammed it behind him. He entered the store to find Stuart waiting for him so he could leave. “Hey, Stuart.”

Stuart didn’t cover the store often anymore. He only came in when the day manager couldn’t make it in and no one else could be there to handle the shift. A short, rotund man, Stuart preferred to sit on his laurels at home and see the money hit the bank rather than do the work himself. “’Bout time you got here,” Stuart replied nastily as he came around the counter in preparation to leave.

“I’m a few minutes early, Stuart.” Nathan couldn’t help but point it out as he headed toward the back to punch in.

“It’ll make up for the other day when you left early, then,” Stuart snapped as he scurried behind Nathan into the storeroom.

Nathan bit back a retort and set his backpack down out of the way before grabbing his time card and sliding it into the old-school time clock. Stuart was too much of a cheapskate to upgrade to something more state of the art. Even online time sheets would probably be easier than this shit, but Stuart claimed he didn’t want to change because the employees could punch in from anywhere and take advantage. Secretly, Nathan felt pretty sure it was because it would cost money to set up that type of system. Money Stuart wasn’t willing to spend, even if it would save him more in the long run.

It didn’t take long for Stuart to gather his things and leave, much to Nathan’s relief. Nathan returned to the front and sighed when he saw the mess Stuart had left behind. He got to work putting away the items customers had left in the wrong place or returned. Then he reorganized the front desk since Stuart apparently had felt it necessary to move things around. He’d just finished helping a customer when Quinn strolled in.

“Hey, Nate! How’s it going?” Quinn greeted.

“Hey, Quinn. Good. How’re you?”

“Great! Had an outstanding weekend!” Quinn launched into a detailed description of the girl he’d met at the party on Friday night and how they’d hung out all weekend, along with how amazing she’d been in bed.

Nathan rolled his eyes. “I don’t need to hear that, Quinn.”

Quinn chuckled. “Does the idea of girly bits gross you out?”

“Girly bits?” Nathan raised a brow.

“Yeah, you know, since you’re into dudes, does thinking about boobs and a pu—”

“Quinn!” Nathan shouted, eyes widening.

Quinn hooted with laughter. “Oh man, you should see your face.”

“That is so not funny.” Nathan shook his head and stalked off toward the other end of the store with a stack of vinyl albums to restock.

“Aww, come on, Nate. I was just teasing,” Quinn called after him.

Nathan huffed and ignored Quinn, going about his work. When he returned to the front desk, Quinn leaned against the counter near him. “So… wanna tell me how things are going with the hottie?”

That reminded Nathan how Quinn had given out his home address to Erik. “What the hell are you doing giving out my personal information, by the way?” Nathan demanded.

“Hey, I wouldn’t have given it to just anyone, Nate!” Quinn protested, straightening from the desk. “He was really worried about you, and I knew you were into him, so I didn’t think it would hurt. Why? Did he do something wrong? Do I need to kick his ass?”

Nathan spluttered and shook his head. “No, he didn’t do anything. Just don’t go giving people my information, okay?”

“Okay, sure. I didn’t think you’d mind, considering it was him,” Quinn muttered. After a couple seconds of tense silence, Quinn said, “Well? Did you see him?”

Nathan didn’t know why Quinn was so interested. He lifted one shoulder in a half shrug. “Yeah. He came by. We went to the boardwalk.”

“And?” Quinn demanded. “Did you hook up?”

“What?” Nathan almost shouted, eyes bulging. “Of course not! What the hell, Quinn?”

Quinn laughed and clapped Nathan on the shoulder. “I’m kidding, dude. Relax. I’ve just never seen you smile like that.”

“Like what?” Nathan asked, curious.

“We’ve known each other for a couple of years now, Nate. I like to think we’re friends, right?”

Nathan nodded. “Of course.”

“Even when you’re laughing, you seem sad. I’ve only ever seen my mom like that, and it was after my dad died. Until she met my stepdad. I could always tell she didn’t really feel what she showed to everyone, including me.”

Quinn shifted his gaze away, clearly uncomfortable talking about something on such a personal level. “You’re a lot like her. I don’t really know what made you so sad, but whenever you hear Erik’s name or you talk about him, it’s like you’re a completely different person, Nate. It’s as if you forget, even for just a split second, and you allow yourself to truly be happy.”

Nathan stood there, stunned. His lips parted slightly in shock and his eyes widened a fraction. Was Quinn right? Did he forget about his parents? About the accident? Guilt stabbed him straight in the heart and he felt a roaring in his ears. He grabbed at the counter, knees weakening. He heard Quinn calling his name from a distance and sensed him guiding him to the nearby stool, but he couldn’t see or hear anything past Quinn’s words. How could he have allowed this to happen? He couldn’t forget his parents, couldn’t forget the part he’d played in their accident or how he didn’t deserve to be happy. Not when they were dead and it was his fault. How could he be so selfish?

“Dude, if you don’t talk to me, I’m going to call Troy.”

Shaking his head, Nathan grabbed Quinn’s wrist with trembling fingers. “No,” he whispered. “I’ll be fine. I ju-just need a couple of minutes.”

“You sure, man? You’re as white as a sheet.”

“I’m sure.”

“Why don’t you go in the back room and lie down for a bit?” Quinn suggested. “I can watch the store for a few.”

“No,” Nathan said. It would give him too much time to think. “I’ll be fine. Just give me a minute.”

Quinn eyed him skeptically. “If you’re sure…”

“I am.”

Nathan released Quinn’s wrist and Quinn left him alone, thankfully. He breathed in and out, deep and even, working to gather himself. God, how had he been so stupid not to have noticed what Quinn saw without even being around him and Erik? Nathan ran a hand through his hair, not caring that he was messing up the strands. He needed to tell Erik he couldn’t see him anymore. Then he needed to tell Alan to find someone else to help him. There had to be others who were able to see spirits. Right? There was no way he could continue to be around Erik, and he knew there was no way he’d ever be able to tell Erik the truth about his ability. His cowardice at not wanting to see the affection Erik had for him turn to disgust and horror would beat out his desire to help Alan cross over every time.

With a set plan in mind, Nathan watched the time fly by so much faster than he’d ever wanted. Dread filled him the closer the clock crept toward closing. He didn’t want to tell Erik goodbye, but he knew he had no choice. He wouldn’t be an anchor around Erik’s ankle, tying the man to him—a skinny freak with blood on his hands—for the rest of Erik’s life, and he knew it would be selfish to keep holding on to Erik when he didn’t deserve to have Erik in his life.

Quinn left an hour before the store was due to close. “You sure you’re all right, Nate?” Quinn asked, hesitating near the counter.

“I’m fine, Quinn. Just a temporary glitch.” Nathan attempted to brush off his earlier panic attack.

Quinn didn’t seem convinced, but he didn’t press the issue. “Well, have a good night then. See ya tomorrow.”

“You, too, Quinn.”

Nathan watched Quinn leave and tried to keep busy for the last hour, but his mind kept straying back to Erik and the upcoming conversation. Alan hadn’t appeared at all that day, and it made it easier to stick to what he intended to do. Maybe his earlier blowup had made Alan feel guilty. He didn’t really know, but he knew he’d have to tell Alan he couldn’t help him after all when he eventually showed up again.

Two minutes to ten, the front door opened and Erik walked in. Nathan swallowed hard at how beautiful the man looked. Tight faded blue jeans clung to Erik’s long, muscular legs, rippling as he took the short walk to the front counter. The sleeves of a white button-down shirt were rolled up, the hem tucked into his jeans. A smattering of chest hair peeked through the first couple of undone buttons, tempting Nathan’s fingers to run through it.

“Hi,” Erik greeted, leaning over the counter and brushing his lips across Nathan’s cheek.

Blinking in surprise, Nathan managed a breathless “Hi” in return.

“Busy day?” Erik asked, leaning on the counter.

Nathan swallowed hard. “A bit.”

“How were your classes?”

The inane question threw him, and Nathan had to really think to gather an answer. “Uh… they were okay. The usual. Thankfully, with all of Troy’s notes, I didn’t fall behind in Professor Johns’ class. Although he would love to have another reason to fail me.”

Erik frowned. “The man sounds like a pompous ass.”

Nathan chuckled. “You could say that again.”

“The man sounds like a pompous ass,” Erik repeated, this time grinning.

Nathan outright laughed. He shook his head and wrinkled his nose at Erik. “I just have to close out the register and then we can go.”

“No rush on my account,” Erik said.

The smile faded from Nathan’s face as he reminded himself of what lay in store for the evening and what he had to tell Erik. His tension ratcheted back to a ten and his movements were jerky as he went through the motions. He dropped the day’s cash into the deposit bag along with the slip and sealed the bag. “Would it be all right if we stopped at the bank to drop this in the night deposit?” Nathan asked.

“Of course!” Erik said.

“Thanks,” Nathan replied, still nervous. “Just have to grab my bag from the back and punch out. I’ll be right back, okay?”

“I’ll be here.”

Nathan hurried into the storeroom, stamped his time card, grabbed his bag, and went back out to the front. Erik smiled and straightened from the counter as Nathan came around to meet him. Nathan almost jumped out of his skin when Erik placed a hand on his lower back as they walked toward the exit.

“Are you all right? You seem kind of jumpy,” Erik said.

“I’m fine,” Nathan said.

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

Nathan locked the store behind them and followed Erik to his truck. “Which bank is it?” Erik asked.

“Space Coast Credit Union,” Nathan answered without looking at him.

A minute later, they were on the street heading toward the bank. The silence stretched between them. Nathan did nothing to break it, merely staring out at the passing storefronts.

Once he’d made the drop at the bank and they were back on the road, Erik asked, “Is something bothering you, Nathan?”

“No, I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine. Something is obviously on your mind. You’ve been tense since I came into the store, and you’ve barely said more than a handful of words. Talk to me.”

Nathan didn’t want to tell Erik what he needed to while Erik was driving. He didn’t want to take the risk of distracting him from the road. Not after what had happened with his parents. “Can we go somewhere and talk?”

“Of course. Anywhere in mind?”

He shook his head.

“Okay. I have an idea.”

They didn’t speak again, and Nathan hugged his backpack to his chest as he gazed unseeingly out the passenger window. He didn’t realize until Erik pulled into a driveway that they’d gone somewhere other than a coffee shop or something.

“Where are we?” Nathan asked, sitting up straighter.

“My house.”