Paralyzed

Chapter 22

N athan sent a text to Troy and asked him to come over with his laptop. After Troy said he was on his way, Nathan went into his bathroom to wash his face and wipe away the evidence of his heartache. He didn’t want Troy badgering him about why he was upset. His eyes were still a little red-rimmed when he’d finished, but he could blame it on lack of sleep. He stared at himself in the mirror, his mind still playing through the multitude of outcomes of telling Erik the truth. It always came back to Erik being angry and disbelieving.

Who the hell in their right mind would believe someone could see ghosts? Every other person he’d ever helped connect with their loved one after their death had thought him insane. They’d eventually believed him when he’d told them about things he couldn’t have ever known about unless he’d been there.

Sighing, he pushed away from the pedestal sink in his tiny bathroom and turned off the light before leaving. Whatever happened, he couldn’t find it in himself to regret being with Erik. Even though the pain when Erik left him would bring him to his knees.

Troy walked into his apartment a few minutes later. Nathan was making coffee when his door opened. Troy frowned as he closed the door behind him. “What’s wrong?”

He should have known washing his face wouldn’t work. He shook his head. “Nothing’s wrong, Troy. Just tired.”

“Don’t lie to me, Nate. After everything we’ve been through together, you can’t lie to me. Did you tell Erik? Did the bastard not believe you?” Troy demanded.

Nathan gave a humorless chuckle. “I haven’t told him anything. Not yet.”

Troy leaned against the counter near Nathan. “Then why do you look like your dog just died?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” The coffee finished dripping and Nathan poured a mug full before adding his usual sugar and cream to it. Of course, Troy never could let anything go.

“No secrets, Nate. We agreed, remember? Tell me what’s going on.”

Knowing he couldn’t keep Troy in the dark, Nathan waved toward the couch for Troy to sit and followed him, dropping onto a cushion next to him. He recounted the story of what had happened at the park. How Alan had seen Erik’s cousin and remembered everything. Then he told Troy about his fears. About Erik hating him when he broke his relationship with his cousin. About how he’d been lying to Erik since they met. And how he knew Erik would hate him when it was all finally over.

Troy scoffed. “That man loves you, Nate. Whether or not he’s told you, it’s clear as hell whenever he looks at you. He isn’t going to hate you.”

“Maybe. Maybe not. But our relationship can’t possibly survive the lies or the way I didn’t tell him about Alan. How can it? How could he ever trust me again?” Nathan rubbed his eyes with his thumb and forefinger on one hand, his coffee mug in the other.

“I’m not exactly the best to give advice about dating. I haven’t had a relationship last longer than a month. But I know it takes a lot of work, and if both of you are willing, I’m sure he will get past this. Give him a chance, Nate.”

Nathan blew out a breath and dropped his hand to his lap. “Let’s focus on finding those files. Alan should be here soon. We’re going to see if we can log into his cloud account. Hopefully, Erik or the provider didn’t delete everything since he hasn’t used it in two years.”

“Ignoring this won’t make it go away, you know. But for now, I’ll shut up about it.”

Troy opened his laptop, connected to the hot spot on his phone, and logged on. He checked some email while they waited. Nathan just stared off into space, trying to blank his mind out and not think about anything else right then. Of course, whenever you didn’t want to think of something, your brain would decide that was all it would think about. A headache started at the base of his skull. He got up to take some aspirin, and he’d barely swallowed the pills when Alan appeared.

“He’s here,” Nathan said, moving back over to sit on the couch again. Troy grunted in acknowledgement.

“What service was he using for storage?”

Nathan looked at Alan. “Dropbox,” Alan said.

He repeated it to Troy. “Do you remember your username and password?” Nathan asked.

Alan came closer as he provided the information. Nathan could feel anxiety and fear rolling off Alan. “There’s a folder labeled Finances. The files will be in there.”

Troy punched in the information and Nathan leaned over to see. The account logged in without issue and Nathan saw the folder Alan had mentioned. “It’s still there!”

“It is?” Alan asked eagerly. “There should be at least five years’ worth of spreadsheets in there. I only went back so far. Matthew started working for Erik about a year or two after Erik opened the company.”

Nathan relayed Alan’s words to Troy and Troy opened several of the sheets. “How do I know what I’m looking at?” he asked.

Alan moved so he could see the screen of the laptop. “There’s an Excel file in there labeled Calculations. I put together the different discrepancies for each month and then had a control sheet at the front of the file that calculated the total amounts taken. I think Matthew has been slowly trimming off the top or burying it inside expenses for the company and sending it to an unknown account somewhere. But I didn’t know how to get hold of that information since I didn’t have actual access to Erik’s business accounts and wire transfer information.”

“This should be enough, though, right? To prove to Erik money is being taken?” Nathan asked.

“What did he say?” Troy asked. Nathan did a quick recap of what Alan had just said. Troy located the file and opened it, clicking between the different tabs. He let out a whistle. “There’s over a million dollars taken here. If he’s had another two years to keep doing this, he’s gotta be close to another quarter million by now, maybe more.”

Troy had always been good at math. Better than Nathan ever was.

“I don’t know if it is enough. Erik loves Matthew. He trusts him. But I have no way to get hold of the actual wire transfer records. I’d be willing to bet Matthew deleted them or is the only one who has access to them,” Alan said.

Nathan relayed Alan’s words to Troy.

“Kinda dumb to keep that kind of evidence,” Troy said distractedly. They watched as Troy went through each of the sheets, highlighting some of the info. “I may know someone who can hack into Matthew’s computer and get those records if they exist. But it’s not cheap, and we’d have to get Matthew’s IP address.”

“Oh, like that’s going to be so easy,” Nathan replied sarcastically. “I’ll stroll on into Erik’s office and just ask Matthew for it nicely.”

Troy gave Nathan a disgruntled look. “I wasn’t being sarcastic. No need to be an ass. But you and Alan are probably the only ones who can get into Erik’s building to get it.”

“I can’t go alone,” Alan said. “I’ve tried so many times to get there on my own. It’s like an invisible wall. You’d have to go with me, Nathan. I don’t know why I can follow you but can’t get there on my own.”

“What about Erik’s house?” Nathan asked, frowning. “You’ve never followed me there.”

Pain exploded over Alan’s features. “I couldn’t be there. Not when I knew he wanted you.”

Nathan winced. “I’m sorry, Alan.”

“I followed you there. Once. I saw you both through the window. It was too much.” Alan glanced away from Nathan.

“What’s he saying?” Troy asked, brows creased in confusion.

“He can’t get to the office on his own.” Nathan explained about Alan being able to go with him. He left out the part about Alan’s pain. Troy didn’t need to know. “There’s no other way for us to get Matthew’s IP address? We have to get to the physical computer?”

“Every PC has its own unique address. It’s kind of like your apartment. While you live in the building and that building has an address, your unit number separates your apartment from the others. Without that information, there’s nothing he can do.”

“He doesn’t have any special ways to get it?”

Troy raised a brow at Nathan. “He’s not a Jedi Master. Even hackers need information to penetrate people’s computers and phones. Why do you think I’m always telling you to be careful when you read your emails and stuff?”

“What if we send him an email with a file that has a tracker on it, then?” Nathan asked eagerly. “We could use one of the spreadsheet files! He’d have to open it then. We could even hint at what’s in the file. There’s no way he could ignore it.”

“I know his email address,” Alan interjected.

A speculative look came over Troy’s face. “Maybe. Let me give Gray a call.”

Nathan felt giddy at having come up with a plan. One that wouldn’t put all of them in the deepest of shit trouble.

“I don’t like this,” Alan murmured near Nathan. “What if he figures out where it came from?”

“How can he possibly know?” Nathan asked, brows drawing together. Troy had set his laptop aside and stood over by Nathan’s kitchen sink. He only heard a portion of Troy’s conversation with his friend. “We can create a bogus email address. Like in Gmail. We don’t even have to use our actual information to create the account.”

Alan still didn’t look convinced. “I’m just worried he’s going to figure out it’s you, Nate. I don’t want you to get hurt. Not for me.” He paused, his features tightening. “And especially because of Erik. While it pains me to admit it, you make him happy. His face lights up when he sees you.”

Nathan wanted to hug Alan but knew he couldn’t. He looked down at his hands on his lap. “He won’t be so happy when he finds out the truth.”

“Give him a chance, Nate. You’re underestimating him.”

“What about my ability to see and talk to ghosts?” Nathan asked bitterly. “Who could understand that? He’s going to think I’m insane.”

Alan came closer and perched on the edge of the coffee table in front of him. “Troy understands.”

“He’s been my best friend for over half our lives. He doesn’t count.”

“Why not? He loves you. He accepts what you can do. Erik will, too.”

“My aunts don’t,” Nathan responded, his chest aching. His aunts loved him, he knew they did, but they’d never believed him when he’d told them about the ghosts. “They were the ones who had me put in an institution for six months. Until I’d lied enough to convince them I no longer saw ghosts.”

Nathan sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I shouldn’t be talking to you about this. It’s not fair to you.”

Alan snorted. “I may be dead, but I’ve been known to have a pretty good ear to bend.” He brushed off one shoulder, his mouth twisted in a playful grin. “They’re pretty tough.”

“But it’s about Erik,” Nathan said. “I can feel how much it hurts you.”

He waved away Nathan’s words. “I’m not na?ve. I knew he’d move on someday, and I’m glad it’s with you. Of course, it hurts to see him doing it. After all, again, I’m dead and it isn’t something I expected to witness. But you’re good for him, Nate. You make him laugh.”

“Is that enough?” Nathan asked.

“It’s worth more than you know.”

Nathan looked at Alan, hope warring with doubt inside of him. “Do you really think he’ll believe me when I tell him about being able to see you and other spirits?”

“Honey, if anyone is going to believe you, it’ll be him. Besides, when you tell him, I’ll be there. I can tell you things you couldn’t possibly know without me.”

Nathan frowned. “I’m wondering if something is going on because for the last two weeks, I haven’t seen a single damn ghost aside from you.”

Alan gave him a brilliant smile. “That’s because of me. I told the rest to take a hike.”

Brows practically disappearing into his hairline, Nathan asked, “What? I didn’t even know you could talk to each other!”

“Oh, yeah. It’s not exactly the liveliest bunch of people around. I mean, everyone’s dead and unable to move on. It’s actually kind of depressing.” Alan frowned. “That makes me sound like an asshole, but it’s true.”

“Where do you go when, you know, you disappear?” Nathan asked. He’d never really tried to learn anything from the spirits he’d helped over the last six years. “Is it, like, a giant room or something?”

Chuckling, Alan shook his head. “It’s not a room or anything. More like a state of conscience that we are all stuck in. Some are more… aggressive than others and some are just ready to move on to wherever it is when we finally go.”

“You don’t even know where that is?”

“Nope. Mostly because I haven’t been there.” Alan shrugged. “None of the others really know, either.”

“How many are there? Am I the only person alive who can see you?”

“I can’t say for sure how many people are stuck. I’m not even sure we all go to the same place or if it’s a numbers game or even just who died in this county. And as far as I know of, you’re the only one.” Alan gave him a speculative look. “Although I’m willing to bet you aren’t the only one. People have near-death experiences every day. So why would it only be you?”

“Mine wasn’t near-death. I died,” Nathan explained.

“Still, other people die and CPR or other means bring them back.”

Nathan had never thought about asking any of the others further questions. He’d just wanted to get them out of his life as fast as he could. But Alan’s explanation made him want to help the others. They were stuck and couldn’t move on. Wouldn’t he want someone to help him? For the first time since he’d realized what he could do, Nathan felt as if his ability wasn’t a curse. He had always believed that he had received it as a punishment for his selfishness in causing his parents’ deaths. Alan’s explanation pushed his train of thought to another track. Maybe he’d been more selfish at ignoring the others he’d refused to acknowledge over the years.

Another thought hit him. “Alan? Do you know all the others where you go?”

“Not personally, but I’ve had conversations with a few of them. Some I just know of by sight. Why?”

Nathan took out his wallet and pulled out the worn photograph of his parents that he carried with him. He showed it to Alan. “Have you ever seen either of these people?”

Understanding dawned on Alan’s face. “These are your parents, aren’t they?”

He nodded.

Sadness trickled over Nathan’s skin, twisting his stomach into knots. He knew part of it was from him, but the other half came from Alan. “I’m sorry, Nate, but I’ve never seen either of them. That could be a good thing, though. It means they moved on. They aren’t stuck here.”

Disappointment bit deep, but he knew Alan had to be right. His parents hadn’t lingered. “It’s okay. You’re right. At least I know I haven’t left them suffering since the accident.”

“You know the accident wasn’t your fault, right, Nate?”

“Isn’t it?” Nathan replied. “I’m the one who demanded they leave the party. If we’d stayed, they’d still be alive.”

“Nate, who can say it wasn’t meant to happen? They could have easily been in another accident the same night, even if they’d left later. No one knows what is going to happen. You can’t predict the future. Stop blaming yourself. Forgive yourself. I guarantee your parents don’t blame you, and they wouldn’t want you to live your life doing that, either. They loved you, Nate.”

Alan’s words made sense. He knew his parents had loved him. His mother had even told him that right before the explosion. How could he let his guilt go without dishonoring the memory of his parents?

Troy interrupted anything else they might have said. “Gray said we can definitely add an extra passenger to a file. Matthew would have to open it for it to work, though. I can send Gray the file tonight, and he can have it ready for us by tomorrow morning.”

“How much?” Nathan asked, recalling Troy’s words about it not being cheap.

A wince cut over Troy’s features. “Five hundred.”

Nathan coughed. “Where the hell are we going to get that kind of money?”

“I can take it out of my savings,” Troy said.

“No. Absolutely not. You’re saving that to get a better apartment. I won’t take your money, Troy.”

“What about your aunts?” Alan asked.

“No! Besides, what would I tell them? Hey, Aunt Becky, Aunt Jessica, can I borrow five hundred bucks because see, we’re going to bug this guy’s laptop to prove he’s embezzling from his cousin?”

“No need to get pissy,” Alan said.

“I already paid him,” Troy interjected.

“You what?” Nathan stood and started pacing. “You shouldn’t have done that.”

“I want to help, Nate. You’re my best friend, damn it! The sooner you get this over with, the sooner Alan can move on, and the sooner you can stop waiting for the other damn shoe to drop!” Troy shouted.

Pausing in his pacing, Nathan stared at Troy, surprised. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Sighing, Troy placed his hands on his hips. “It’s been six years since I’ve seen you truly happy, Nate. Six long fucking years. You beat yourself up every single day over your parents’ deaths. You’ve been through so fucking much since then with the surgeries on your legs. Then the hospital, when your aunts thought you’d cracked after what happened, and every single time you encountered one of them .”

“Hey!” Alan protested.

Troy, of course, didn’t hear him and kept talking. “I love you, Nate, and I can’t stand how you push me away every time I try to help.”

Nathan dropped onto the couch, shocked. He’d never realized he’d made Troy feel that way. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

Troy sat next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, pulling him tight to his chest. “You don’t have to go through everything alone.” He released Nathan and pulled away. “These last few weeks since you met Erik, it was like I’d gotten my friend back. The one before your parents’ accident. You were smiling, happy, and even the darkness you carried with you had faded some. Every time I see you now, it’s gone just a little more. If five hundred bucks is all it takes to make that darkness disappear, it’s worth more than anything I can ever give you.”

He’d never thought his decisions were hurting Troy. Nathan gripped his shoulder, squeezing slightly. “I’m sorry, Troy. I didn’t know.”

Shaking his head, Troy gave him a sardonic smile. “I didn’t tell you, but you should know by now, whatever happens to you happens to me. We’re best friends. We stick together until we die, and even then, we’ll be kicking up shit in the afterlife.”

Nathan laughed, his chest tightening with emotion. “You’re right. But I’m going to pay you back.”

“Nope. I won’t accept it.”

He rolled his eyes at Troy. “Stubborn.”

“Pot meet kettle!” Troy exclaimed.

Alan grunted. “He’s got you there, Nate.”

“Be quiet,” Nathan growled without heat.

“What did he say?” Troy asked. Nathan repeated Alan’s words. “First time we agree on something, jerk wad.”

“Jerk wad!” Alan squawked. “He’s lucky I can’t affect the physical plane, or I’d put itching powder in his shorts or mayonnaise on his car door handles.”

Nathan started laughing and couldn’t seem to stop. “I wish we’d known you when you were alive, Alan.”

“So not cool for you two to be talking shit when I can’t hear!” Troy said, pouting.

Nathan laughed even harder. He calmed down enough to relay Alan’s words to Troy.

“Let’s see you try, asshole!”

“He already said he couldn’t,” Nathan pointed out, grinning so hard his cheeks hurt. “I think I’d pay to see that, though.”

The image of Troy squirming and scratching his crotch brought forth more giggles, to the point tears started rolling down Nathan’s face. “Oh my God,” he said with a gasp.

“Glad you find it so funny, Nate.”

“It’s not like he actually did it,” Nathan pointed out, breathless.

“Whatever. Let me get this file over to Gray and we’ll get a fake email address set up. Which file do you think would be best to use, Alan?”

Nathan looked at Alan, who shrugged. “They’re all incriminating, so it doesn’t matter, I think. Maybe the one with the most money missing?”

He told Troy what Alan said. Troy grabbed his laptop, combed through the sheets, and found the best one before emailing it over to Gray. Then he opened Google and started creating a new email address. “What should we use? We need something that’ll catch his attention.”

“What about something hinting about embezzlement?” Nathan suggested.

“We don’t want the email to get flagged. They probably have their servers set up to catch email subjects, email addresses, and content to be blocked by a spam filter. We need something that won’t be obvious to a filter yet will still catch his eye.”

After some discussion, they settled on a generic email address instead, figuring they could always use the subject to grab his attention. Since Gray wouldn’t have the file ready until the following morning, they called it a night. Troy left and Alan did his usual disappearing act. Nathan glanced at the time and saw it wasn’t much after nine.

His thoughts turned to Erik and how they’d left things earlier. His guilt and fear had caused him to do the same thing to Erik that he’d done to Troy. After changing into a pair of lounge pants and a plain t-shirt, Nathan grabbed his phone and lay down in bed.

Nathan: I’m sorry.

If Erik didn’t answer, Nathan knew it was his own fault. In some ways, he was beyond his years in maturity, and, in many others, he was still that awkward kid in high school. Mostly with relationships. What the hell did he know about being in an adult relationship? He’d never even had a boyfriend before Erik. They’d never really discussed what was happening between them and if they were at the stage of boyfriends. Maybe he was being stupid. His phone vibrated.

Erik: What happened today?

Nathan: I really felt overwhelmed. I also got scared.

Instead of a text message, his phone rang. Nathan jumped at the sudden sound in the silence of his apartment. He saw Erik’s name on the caller ID, took a deep breath, and answered it. “Hi,” he murmured.

“What are you scared of?” Erik asked. Nathan closed his eyes as the deep tone of Erik’s voice washed over him. The timbre vibrated through him, straight to his groin. Could he tell Erik the truth? Maybe part of it?

“It’s going to sound crazy. We’ve only known each other a few weeks.”

“Tell me,” Erik said.

Opening his eyes, Nathan stared across his room at his dresser. The dark wood stood out starkly against the white wall behind it. “Losing you,” he answered. “You realizing I’m a hopeless cause and hauling ass in the opposite direction.”

He heard sheets rustle on the other end of the phone. Erik must have sat up in bed. “There’s nothing that could make me run from you, angel. You’re all I think about. What happened today to make you think differently?”

Nathan didn’t answer right away. He wasn’t ready to tell him about Alan. Not until they had the evidence of Matthew’s embezzling. When he finally did answer, he shocked himself because he truly hadn’t grasped just how much it was true. “Seeing you with your employees, friends, family. You’re successful and mature and beautiful. I’ve never been in an actual relationship, and I must have seemed so juvenile to the people who care about you.”

“No one thought that of you, angel. No one. And if they did, it’s nothing I care to know about. It doesn’t matter if you’ve never been in a relationship before. Everything we learn comes from experience. It may sound exceedingly arrogant, but I’m glad I’m your first everything.” Erik chuckled into the phone. “That sounded better in my head. You also don’t give yourself enough credit. You’re kind, sweet, and amazingly sexy, and that’s all those people saw today. It’s what I see every single time I look at you.”

He didn’t know Erik thought those things about him. “I-I don’t know what to say,” he whispered.

“I miss you. You shouldn’t be so far away from me. Tell me I can come and pick you up. Bring you where you belong.”

His breath caught in his throat and Nathan uttered, “Yes.”

“Twenty minutes,” Erik growled and disconnected the call.

Nathan got out of bed, pulled on a pair of sneakers, and gathered clothes for the next day, along with his backpack for classes. He sent a quick text to Troy to let him know he wouldn’t need to pick him up in the morning like he’d thought. Instead of waiting in the apartment, he locked his door and took the stairs to the street.

He couldn’t have kept the smile off his face when he saw Erik’s truck pulling to the curb. Erik waited for him to climb in and settle his stuff on the floor by his feet before wrapping his hand around Nathan’s nape and yanking him into a deep kiss. “Never shut me out again, angel,” Erik snarled against his lips.

“Okay,” Nathan replied, warmth flaring in his chest. He loved how gruff Erik sounded. “I won’t.”

Erik pulled away from the curb and turned the truck toward his house. Nathan settled into the seat and watched the world flash by, finally feeling content for the first time since the park.