Chapter 24
We’re all at the beach. Nathan, Grace, Tucker, and me. Tucker’s got his arm around me and Grace is pretending to be fine, even though I know she’s still mad at me. Everything feels almost normal.
It was Grace’s idea to spend the night at the beach.
She still wants to hang out, but there’s an underlying tension between the two of us, and the last time I tried to bring it up, she brushed me off and said everything was fine.
But it doesn’t feel fine. I want everything to be alright between us, but I don’t know what else I can do to fix the chasm I created.
We have two weeks until graduation and it is finally feeling warmer. We loaded up the back of Tucker’s truck with blankets and pillows and a ton of snacks. Even though it’s been warm during the day, it still gets pretty cool at night.
I think Mom only said yes because she didn’t want to argue with Dad when Nathan asked him.
“Want to get in the water?” Grace asks me.
“Yeah,” I answer, even though I don’t really want to get in the freezing water, but I’m trying to do what I can to get back in her good graces after lying about the tumor.
Tucker moves his arm from around me so that I can get up; I look out at the dark water to avoid looking at Grace as we head toward the waves.
Once I figure out how to fix things between us, I’ll try to talk to her again, one-on-one.
Until then, we’ll still hang out as a group, but I think everyone can feel how awkward it is right now.
Growing up near the ocean is something I never take for granted. Maybe it’s because of Mom or the stories she tells about Dad.
Dad loves the water.
He’s an artist by nature, but he’s up at the crack of dawn almost every day when the weather’s good, out on the waves. Mom was sad at first that neither Nathan or I had any interest in surfing, but I still love the ocean. She says I get that from Dad.
I take a deep breath of the salty air; the sound of the waves is calming. Back and forth, back and forth as the water tickles my toes. That’s as far as I want to get in, just to my ankles. The sun has barely set, so the sky is on fire with pinks, oranges, and purples and the ocean is already dark.
“I love the beach,” I say, taking in another deep breath. There isn’t anything quite like it—the smell of the ocean and the salt in the air that leaves your hair and skin a little grimy if you stay out too long.
“I’m hungry,” Nathan says from behind us, even though we’ve been eating all the food we brought since we got to the beach two hours ago. Nathan always seems to be hungry.
Tucker wraps his arms around me, pulling me against his back as the cold waves swirl against our feet. He presses his lips into my hair.
We head back to the blanket, where my brother opens another bag of chips.
“We should play Truth or Dare,” Grace announces as she tucks her legs underneath her, criss-cross applesauce. Nathan and Tucker both groan .
“Why?” Tucker asks. “We already all know each other, so truth isn’t even all that fun.”
“So pick dare.” Grace shrugs. “Dares are more fun anyway.”
“Why don’t we play something else?” Nathan suggests.
“Like what?” she asks, and I’ve never been more grateful for Nathan than in this moment.
I know exactly what Grace would ask me to do, whether I pick a truth or a dare.
She’ll want to call me out on my lie. I know she’s mad at me, but I think she’s also mad at Tucker for not being mad when I told him the truth.
“Like nothing,” Nathan says and I let out a nervous laugh. Grace narrows her eyes at me and I shiver.
Tucker pulls me closer to him, even though I’m not shivering from the cold.
“We could make a bucket list,” I say suddenly, and I feel everything shift in the air.
“We don’t need to do that,” Grace says at the same time Nathan asks, “Do you really think that’s a good idea?”
I feel Tucker’s eyes on me.
“Why not?” I ask. “It can be for all of us. Life is short. We should do the things we want to do before we die. Or maybe just before we all go our separate ways in the fall?”
Everyone is quiet, and the roar of the dark waves calms me. Even though I’m not dying, Nathan is looking at me like I might. Grace is still glaring.
I hoped that she would be excited for a bucket list. She tried to get me to make one a few summers ago, but I told her they were dumb. Why make a list of things you want to do before you die? Why not just do them?
Now I wish I had, because these days, time is feeling too short. I feel as though I’m on borrowed time, even though at my last scan, everything still looked good.
“Come on, it will be fun.” I move to my knees and pull out my phone. I open the notes app, and type, Our Bucket List, at the top .
“Who’s first?” I ask. Tucker is looking at me with a confused expression on his face. I can’t look at Nathan because he’s looking at me like I’m a piece of glass that’s about to break, so I look at Grace.
“Get a tattoo,” she says, and she’s no longer glaring at me.
“You want a tattoo?” Tucker asks, surprised.
“Yeah, I actually do,” she tells him. “At some point, so maybe not this summer, but put it on the list.”
I type it out.
“I told Tucker a couple of months ago that I’d love to see The Nutcracker again,” I say and type it out.
“I’d like to go on an international tour someday,” Tucker says quietly.
“You will!” I bump my shoulder with his.
“I want to solve a medical mystery,” Nathan says.
“Good, good, this is good,” I say. “The bigger the better, right?”
“How about spending a night under the stars?”
Grace looks at Tucker like he’s stated the most obvious thing. “Um, like we’re doing right now?”
“I guess that’s true,” Tucker says. “But hey, we can cross one thing off the list!”
“I’d love to go on a road trip together,” Nathan says.
“That would be so fun,” I say. “We could do that this summer, before I go to Paris and Tucker goes on tour and you go to school.”
“Let’s do it,” Tucker says.
“I think Rosie should tell Tucker the truth,” Grace says suddenly, and my stomach drops. No, not like this. She can’t be doing this. Is she really still that mad at me?
Tucker freezes behind me. “Tell me the truth about what?”
I’m about to answer when my phone rings; it’s Mom. “Give me a sec.” Nathan’s eyes are wide on me as I stand to move away and answer her call.
I hear Tucker ask, “What does she need to tell me the truth about? I know about the tumor.”
Grace just huffs. Why is she trying to stir up drama? Tucker knows everything now.
“Hello,” I say into the phone.
“Oh, good, Rosie. I’m so glad you picked up,” Mom says, concern lacing her voice.
“Yeah?”
“Two things,” she says. “First, Doctor Barker called. She said that something abnormal came back with your bloodwork, something they missed before.”
My heart sinks. “Okay,” is all I can manage to say.
“Are you sitting?” Mom asks next. “Because there’s more.”
“No.”
“You probably should,” she says gently. I don’t know if I’ve ever heard her sound so—so caring. That scares me more than anything.
“Okay,” I tell her, but remain standing.
“Honey, I’m so sorry,” she says. “But Doctor Barker said that Lucy’s parents wanted her to tell us that Lucy passed last night.”
The whole world goes fuzzy, like all the air has been sucked into a vacuum. My head spins.
“But I just talked to her yesterday morning. We were going to have lunch in her room on Sunday,” I say, in shock.
“I know, sweetie.”
“Do you know what happened?”
“A little. I spoke with Doctor Barker and then with Lucy’s mom for a moment. They were in surgery, trying to remove the tumor—” Mom says, but I interrupt.
“But they said that they couldn’t do that, that trying that would kill her.” I’m vaguely aware that I’m bordering on hysteria. Nathan’s face materializes in front of mine, but I shake my head and turn away, walking closer to the dark water.
“I know, Rosie, but her mom said she was having too many seizures and they had to try it,” Mom says. “She knew the risks. Her mom said she’ll let me know about the funeral once the arrangements have been made.”
“Why would they do the surgery?” I scream into the phone. “They knew it could kill her.”
“Oh, Rosie,” Mom says, and I want to throw my phone in the ocean. Lucy can’t be dead. She was the only friend who sort of understood what I was going through, and she was supposed to answer my questions.
“Thanks for telling me,” I say, suddenly angry. I hang up before she can say anything else, folding my arms tightly against my chest, as if that will fix everything.
“Rosie?” I hear my twin ask tentatively.
“What?” I snap.
“What did Mom say?” His voice is soothing and gentle, but that only makes the tears come faster and harder.
“Lucy’s gone,” I cry. I’m still processing the part about the abnormality, and I won’t share anything until we know for sure. But Lucy is gone; I start to shake and I’m startled when arms come around me. I feel Tucker’s warm body behind mine.
“Who’s Lucy?” I’m not sure if he’s asking me or Nathan, but I can’t find the words to respond.
“A girl that Rosie met during group therapy,” Nathan tells him.
“Therapy?” Tucker asks like it’s the first time he’s heard about it, because it is the first time he’s heard about it.
I told him about the tumor, but never told him about therapy.
Probably because I wasn’t sure what I’d say, because I didn’t know what I was feeling about everything we talked about in therapy and with Lucy.
“Cancer therapy,” I whisper, then turn to look at him.
His eyes grow wide with concern. “You didn’t tell me about therapy. ”
“I had a tumor,” I say, tears still falling down my face, but now I’m not sure they’re all still for Lucy.
“I know.” Tucker’s face twists in confusion. “Who’s Lucy?”
“A girl I met at therapy,” I whisper. A girl who’s gone now. “My doctor told my mom that there’s something abnormal about my bloodwork, but they need to do more tests to know what it is.”
Tucker takes a step back from me, and I miss his warmth almost immediately,
“What?” Nathan asks, startled.
“I have to go in for more tests soon,” I tell them, still watching Tucker, who stands a step away from me, as tears slide down my face. “I need you, I can’t go through this again without you.”
Tucker is shaking his head in disbelief; he opens his mouth, then closes it again. His eyes meet mine again and I’m surprised to see tears.
“Please,” I whisper. He takes a step closer to me.
“I love you, Rosie.” He tucks some of my hair behind my ear, his eyes flitting over my face like he’s trying to memorize me. “But I…” He takes a shaky breath. “I need some time.”
A sob escapes me. “What?”
He takes a step back. “I just need some time to think. Keep me posted on the test results, okay?”
“Tucker—” I reach for him, but he takes another step back.
“I can’t…” His eyes looked pained, like he knows this is a mistake, but he’s doing it anyway.
“I don’t want you to leave,” I say. Someone wraps their arms around my shoulders and I sink against them. I don’t know if it’s Grace or Nathan, but I need them. If Tucker walks away, I need someone.
“I’m not leaving,” he says. “I just need some space.”
And then he’s gone, and I break down on the beach.