Chapter 15
Chapter Fifteen
I bent over.
I stuck my butt in the air.
I spread my legs.
Behind me, Johan barked orders. “In! Out! In! Out!”
I tried to look back at him, between my spread legs, but my boobs were in the way. They tumbled down, or up, I suppose, in my inverted position.
It was the morning after the book signing. After I got home, it took me three quarters of a bottle of Pinot Grigio to fall asleep. It was not a restful sleep. It was a sleep haunted by dreams. Disturbing dreams.
In the last dream, I was sitting in a chair on the beach. The rocks, the sky, the sand were all black and white. I sat at a table as the ocean crashed behind me. On the table was a checkered board filled with chess pieces.
Sitting across from me was the Universe, draped in a black hooded robe. Every move I made, she countered. Every piece I played was taken from me. I woke up to the sound of Her laughing.
“Get on your hands and knees,” Johan demanded. His thick accent and sharp tone left no room for debate. Suitably positioned, my bottom quivered like a jello mold.
Johan moved in front of me. Looking up, it was hard not to stare directly into his bulging crotch.
After waking up from my Universe chess dream, I decided I needed to blow off some steam. Engage in some physical activity. Get a little spiritual stimulation, so to speak.
So I went to see Johan. Whenever I needed a little physical release, Johan always delivered. And then some.
By that point, he had been working me over for nearly thirty minutes. Sweat clung to my sagging breasts. Wetness dripped down my aching thighs. I was going to need a long, hot shower after Johan was done with me.
“I thought yoga was supposed to be relaxing,” Janet hissed, moving from Cat pose to Cow pose beside me.
“Downward Dog!” Johan yipped. “Butts higher. Glutes tighter. Legs straight!”
Johan marched us through another series of positions only suitable for a twenty-one-year-old, jointless acrobat. Then, mercifully, the yoga class ended.
Janet and I hit the showers, then went to our lockers to change. As I pulled on my panties underneath my towel, I noticed Janet looking over at me, grinning. Not only grinning, her eyes were sparkling.
“What?”
Janet kept grinning as I pulled on a pair of shorts.
“ What ?” I asked again.
“So.”
“So?”
“How’s it going with you and Gary?”
“What do you mean, me and Gary?”
“You two are cute together.”
I made a face. And it wasn’t just because of Janet’s completely erroneous and grossly misguided assumption. It was also because there was an older woman changing at the bank of lockers across from us. The woman was naked, naturally. And by naturally, I mean nature was on full frontal display.
I averted my eyes, refocusing on Janet. “Gary and I aren’t cute together. Gary and I aren’t anything together. Gary and I aren’t together at all.”
Janet still had the stupid grin on her face. “Okay. Sure.”
Unfortunately, I caught another sideways glimpse of the naked woman. And I take back that comment I made earlier about my boobs sagging. Compared to the naked woman, mine were as pert as a plastic surgeon’s twenty-two-year-old mistress.
Stuffing my own boobs into my bra, I said, “I’m serious, Janet,” a little louder than I intended. “I just gave him a ride to the book signing.”
“If you say so.”
“I do say so.”
“I heard you say so.”
“Good. Because I said it.”
Even though I was being extremely careful not to look behind me, I caught a glimpse in the mirror. The naked older woman’s cooch looked like Gandalf’s beard.
* * *
We stopped at the smoothie bar on our way out of the gym. Janet ordered us two vegan Green Monsters, a special kale and spinach mixture blended in house. Mine tasted like vomit flavored paste.
Eager to shift the focus away from Janet’s utterly insane, warped perceptions about me and Gary, I asked, “What about you and Jack? Have you seen him again?”
Janet shook her head, the grin finally fading. “Not since pickleball. I called him yesterday at work but that nurse of his, Kelsey, put me on hold until I hung up. I don’t think she likes me.”
As I attempted to suck my smoothie, my level of hope, unlike the green chunks in my straw, started to rise. It seemed, perhaps, I still had a window of opportunity to course correct fate’s failings. Despite the mishaps at the grocery store and the book signing. Maybe there was still a chance for me to make things right.
Then Janet said, “At least I get to see him again on Saturday.”
“Saturday?” My voice cracked just a bit. I pretended I was choking on the smoothie. Which wasn’t hard to fake. “What’s going on Saturday?”
“Jack’s medical practice is sponsoring a charity 5k. He asked me if I wanted to volunteer.”
I looked at Janet as if she had signed up for a colonoscopy but declined the anesthesia. “Volunteer for what? Do psych evals on anyone who would willingly run a 5k?”
“I’m handing out ribbons at the finish line. And then, for the winners, I get to put a medal around their neck.” Janet got a dreamy look in her eyes. “I told Jack if he won, he might even earn himself a kiss.”
Janet kept talking as we made our way to the parking lot, but whatever words came out of her mouth never made it into my ears. The vision of Janet putting a medal around Jack’s neck and then kissing him was almost as horrifying as when the naked woman bent over to pick up her sock. It was a sight you could never unsee.
When we got to Janet’s car she said, “You should come too. Maybe bring Gary along.” Janet’s grin returned. “Even if you two aren’t together , together.” Janet made quote fingers.
Even though I was annoyed by Janet’s persistent delusion that there was something going on between Gary and me, I recognized the moment for the opportunity that it was.
So I matched Janet’s grin. “Good idea!”
* * *
The next day, I went to work setting my new Gary Plus Janet Equals Mary Plus Jack plan into motion. It was a good plan, but a risky one. There could be blood. Definitely sweat. Probably tears. In fact, Ralph already had tears. Or his face was just melting in the heat. We were outside. During Summer. In Florida. The temperature was roughly the same as the surface of the sun.
We were dressed in our brand new running shirts, running shorts, running socks, and running shoes. Even though the sports store guy said the material was breathable, damp polyester stuck to our skins like fly paper. And we hadn’t even started running yet.
Ralph propped his foot up on the back of a bench, presumably to stretch. “Now I know why I never took up running. Or jogging. Or walking. How could anyone do this on purpose?”
Admiring the way my new sports bra held my boobs in place, I said, “Beats me.”
Convincing Ralph to take part in my plan had not been easy. When I first approached Ralph with the idea, his exact words had been, “that would be a hard no.” Then there had been talk of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, and catastrophic climate change in hell. Something involving Satan, Hitler, and Justin Bieber making snow angels together.
I had to pull out my Sadie Rosenberg card.
Sadie Rosenberg was a girl Ralph met in law school. One year, Janet and I went to visit his dorm room during fall break. He’d been fawning after this girl all semester, but she was way out of his league, and he knew it. So he asked for my help. And I gave it to him, saying, “Someday, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, accept this assistance as a gift.” I had done the Godfather accent and everything.
We took a trip down to the barbershop where I ordered a complete makeover. We scoured the sales racks at Macy’s for a new wardrobe. I even made Ralph memorize a script. By the time I finished with him, the ugly warted frog had become a handsome prince. When Ralph asked her out, Sadie said yes. It ended up being a one-night stand and there was an alleged pregnancy scare, but a deal’s a deal. I sat on that favor for years, saving it for a rainy day. And now, it was raining.
While Ralph finished stretching, I surveyed the battlefield, Red Bug Lake park. The jogging path circled the entire complex, winding through the ball fields and tennis courts, tracing the near side of the lake. Above me, the osprey nested in the light towers. Near the lake, a pair of sandhill cranes searched for an early dinner. And of course, all over the park, there were bugs. Lots of bugs. Red bugs, green bugs, and an assortment of other colors. The kind of bugs that flew up your nose, the kind that flew into your mouth, and the kind that waited for you to drop your guard so they could crawl into your pants.
I saw Gary on the baseball field closest to the sand volleyball courts. Earlier that morning, Ralph had called to ask Gary if he wanted to meet for a beer under the guise of a potential painting job. When Gary told him he couldn’t because he was coaching Kyle’s little league practice, I did a quick pivot, and the rest of the plan organically fell into place.
“Over there,” I told Ralph. He lifted his hand above his eyes to block out the sun.
Gary’s little league team spread across the baseball diamond. Kyle was staring up at the clouds in left field. His not-girlfriend-not-even-friend-friend Cary from the nature hike was playing shortstop. I saw her mother, Karen, watching from the bleachers.
“Great,” I said.
“What now?” asked Ralph.
I tossed my head in Karen’s direction. “Karen, one of the moms. I think she has a thing for Gary.”
“Must be going around,” Ralph said, just loud enough for me to hear.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I demanded.
“Nothing. Nothing at all.”
Ralph had a tell when he was lying. He would either cover his mouth or rub his forehead. Over the years, I had amassed enough poker winnings from his failed bluff attempts that I could sign Purrfect up for one of those fancy pet day cares. Which I did. Once. But after only forty-seven minutes, one of the pet sitters called me and said that Purrfect wouldn’t stop hissing at Lulu the chihuahua and then scratched Moose, the Doberman Pincher, so I had to come back and pick her up immediately.
“You said the word nothing like you mean something .”
“Is that what you heard?” Ralph yawned and rubbed his forehead.
“Well, if you meant something when you said nothing , then you’re making something out of nothing .”
“Or you’re making nothing out of something,” Ralph shot back.
Tired of Ralph’s imaginatively inaccurate innuendos, I said, “Let’s just get this over with.”
* * *
As we made our way toward the baseball field, I saw Gary madly motioning in a right to left motion with both arms, in a hopeless attempt to indicate the proper counter clockwise path one should take when running the bases on a baseball field. The oblivious little boy who had just hit the ball sprinted past third base in a huff and was rounding toward second with a full head of steam.
“So let me make sure I fully understand this plan of yours,” said Ralph, as we drew closer to the field. “When practice is over, you and I jog past the baseball field. Gary sees us. Warm salutations and greetings ensue.”
“Something like that.”
“Then Gary says, hey there, Mary, Ralph, so awesome to see you two again. Love those matching running outfits you’re sporting. Say, what are you two doing here in this unbearable Florida heat? Why aren’t you at home playing Call of Duty and drinking gin and tonics like a sane person would do at six thirty on a Thursday evening?”
I crossed my arms.
Ralph continued. “Then I say, we’re here torturing ourselves because Mary is bat shit crazy, and then we all go out and you buy us beer, and we talk him into going to some race thing with Janet.”
I was not amused. “Ralph, this is important,” I said. “It’s important to me, and it’s important to Janet.”
“Why would Janet want Gary to go to this running thing anyway?”
“Because she’s in love with him.”
“I thought Janet was doing the thirty-day thing with Jack.”
“Janet’s only doing the thirty-day thing with Jack because she isn’t doing the thirty-day thing with Gary. Yet. Weren’t you paying attention?”
Now Ralph crossed his arms.
I took a deep breath and continued. “Look, we jog on by, he sees us, he asks us what we’re doing, you say, ‘oh, we’re training for this charity thing for sick children.’ Then Gary says, ‘oh wow, what a wonderful cause, can I help sick children too?’ And then you say, ‘why of course Gary, yes you can, the more the merrier, why don’t we all help sick children together?’”
Ralph nodded. “Yes, yes, that’s exactly how I see this playing out. I love the voices, by the way. Your Ralph voice really captures my essence. Might want to work on your Gary though. I don’t remember him having an Australian accent.” Ralph was always very critical of everything. “Can I ask another question?” Ralph asked. Which in itself was a question, though I didn’t point that out.
“If you must.”
“What kind of sickness are we talking about here?”
“Huh?”
“The children. What kind of sick children are we helping, just in case he asks?”
“I don’t know. Bubonic plague or something. Probably. It’s got to be one of the bad sicknesses if people will go out in this heat.”
“Okay, fine. Let’s say, by some miracle, your ridiculous plan works and Gary plays along. Then, not only do I have to make sure Jack doesn’t win, you want me to make sure Gary finishes fast enough to earn some kind of trophy?”
“Medal,” I corrected.
“Fine, medal.”
“Gary doesn’t have to win a medal. All I want is for him to finish the race ahead of Jack.”
“Have you seen Jack and Gary? Jack can probably run circles around Gary, while simultaneously bench pressing him and giving him a wedgie.”
“You’re thinking of high school Jack and high school Gary.” Then I added, “In case you haven’t noticed, Gary has kind of … bulked up.”
“So how am I supposed to stop Jack from winning, exactly?” Ralph asked.
It was a good question. So good that I didn’t exactly have an answer for it. So I said, “You’re a smart man. I’m sure you’ll think of something.”
“Like toss a banana peel on the ground so he’ll slip and crack his head open?”
“No cracked heads, please.”
“Remove a manhole cover so he falls into the alligator infested sewers?”
“I’d prefer no plans that involve alligators.”
“How about I Tonya Harding his kneecap?”
“Ralph, you’re overcomplicating things.”
“I’m overcomplicating things?”
“It’s very simple, really. Remember what happened after cow-nado?”
“It’s a moment I’ll never forget.” Ralph held his hand over his heart.
I ignored him. “Remember what Jack did? He swooped in like the hero. Because he’s a doctor. It’s what he does. All you have to do is pretend to pass out or something.”
“If we go through with this, I will not have to pretend.”
“Jack will stop to help, and Gary will just cruise on by to victory. See?”
“Not really.”
Out on the baseball field, Kyle was chasing a butterfly, the second baseman was adjusting himself, and the catcher was making a sand castle in the clay next to home plate.
Gary shouted, “Okay everybody, I think we’ll call it a day. We’ll see you all again next week. Don’t forget your water bottles. Billy, is that your cleat?”
As the parents collected their players, I turned to Ralph. “It’s go time.”
Ralph slumped his shoulders and sighed.
* * *
We set off from the back corner, past the outfield, and adjusted our pace to time our arrival to coincide with the moment Gary stepped off the clay. The jogging path was about two and a half miles total, but Ralph and I only had to run the short stretch that rounded the back side of the baseball diamond, then cross the sidewalk between the restrooms and the dugouts.
Ahead, on the baseball field, Gary collected an errant ball and a discarded glove near first base. Then he angled toward the opening in the fence to exit the field.
Instinctively, Ralph and I quickened our step, powering through the stiffness in our joints. At this point my body was on autopilot, my stride automatic, my brain in a zone. I was a huntress, springing across the grasslands to devour my prey. Every muscle in my body was taunt and flexed.
Gary passed through the dugout out onto to the sidewalk. Ralph and I had timed our arrival perfectly, like a Rube Goldberg Machine, where every domino and playing card fell into place.
We were only seconds from interception.
Gary turned.
That’s when Karen appeared, right in front of us, forcing Ralph and I to skid to a halt.
“Mary?” The look of disgust in her eyes only flashed for a second. “It’s sooooo good to see you again.” Karen’s voice sing-songed up and down the scale. “What are you doing here?” Karen flashed her trademark smile. Piranha-like.
“Yes, what are you doing here?” Gary’s face was a mix of many things. Surprise. Suspicion. Intrigue?
Ralph recovered the ability to speak before I did. He said, “Training.” His face was the color of a Carolina Reaper. “Mary’s helping me get ready for a 5k this weekend.”
“It’s … huff … a charity … puff … race … huff … for sick children.” I made a mental note to stop at the nearest emergency room on my way home and ask them for an IV and oxygen.
“Oh, you guys are doing the Family Fun Run?” Gary pointed to the flyer taped to a post beside the dugout. It showed stick figures of a mom, a dad, and two kids with round heads and big smiles, in some sort of running pose. I thought using the words family and fun and run all in the same description was a blatant conflict of interest.
“Yes,” Ralph answered. “The Family Fun Run.”
“What a coincidence,” Karen cooed. “We’re going too.”
Between gasps of oven baked air, I wheezed, “We?”
Karen’s smile stretched wider. “Gary and I.”
“Karen signed me up last week.” Gary looked about as excited as Ralph did when I had registered him.
“I told him it was for charity,” Karen explained. “You know, for the children.”
“Right, the children,” Gary nodded.
“Can’t say no to the children,” Ralph agreed.
Karen said, “So, Mary, I never imagined you as much of a runner.” She looked me up and down like an MMA fighter sizing up the competition during ring introductions.
“Oh, but I am,” I said. “I run all the time. I love running.”
Karen’s head nodded, but her eyes bore into my soul. “I did track and field back in college. All-conference in the two hundred meters.” Karen wore her smug smile like a linebacker’s mouth guard.
Gary asked, “So Mary, does that mean you’re running for charity too?”
“Me? Oh no, no. No way. Not me. I would have loved to, but the registration deadline passed this morning.” It was true. I had submitted Ralph’s registration fee just under the wire.
“Gee, that’s too bad,” Karen pouted, her lips out like a baboon. “Would have been fun to see what you still got.”
“Oh, I got plenty,” I assured her. Gary and Ralph exchanged a look, as if questioning the rules of time and space.
Karen elevator eyed my running outfit. “So I see.” Clearly I was going to have to take this woman out. I wondered how serious Ralph had been about his ability to pull off a Tonya Harding.
“Wait a second,” said Gary. “Karen, didn’t you say you had extra tickets?”
“I did?” For the first time, Karen looked like she got caught off-guard.
“Yeah,” continued Gary. “You told me you had extra tickets, and you didn’t want them to go to waste, which is why you invited me to go.”
Slowly, the piranha smile crept back on to Karen’s face. “You know, I would love to give one to Mary, but we need the other tickets for the kids.”
“That’s not a problem,” Ralph chimed in, pointing to the flyer on the post. In big bold letters, the flyer proclaimed, “Thompson Family Fun Run: Kids Run Free!”
After reading it, Karen had the same expression on her face as the one she had when I pointed out that our camp shirts sucked.
“Then it’s settled,” Gary proclaimed. “We can all run together.”
“I think that’s a great idea,” Ralph agreed.
“Remember, it’s for the children,” said Gary.
“For the children,” Karen mumbled.
“For the children,” Ralph agreed.