Chapter Sixteen
Iris
My body remembers what my mind barely thinks about.
The tension in my muscles that comes with stepping out into the cold is something that has yet to go away.
When I lived in the blight, the cold signified the oncoming plague of death and sickness.
But now, even though my body is wrought with tension as I stand in the center of the snow-filled courtyard, my mind is at ease.
Remus’s revelation has been difficult to come to terms with.
At the back of my mind, the idea of my life one day ending was my small way of winning the war.
But as with everything that involves Remus, even my life is out of my hands.
It makes the brief conversation Sky and I shared feel so naive.
Even after witnessing the destruction that comes with these aliens, we still thought we had a way out.
It’s laughable.
I slowly open my eyes, taking in the snowscape.
The pale lavender color is comforting, and I know immediately why.
It reminds me of Remus. Everything about Xyrannis does.
Even the planet in the atmosphere that I can’t seem to look away from.
Remus and I have been doing this dance for a long time now, and it has spanned galaxies at this point.
I always think I am one step ahead when in reality, Remus is ten steps.
I shudder as I think of the emotion shared with me when Remus opened the bond between us. The obsessive need to be everything that I desire was overwhelming, but not as overwhelming as Remus at that moment.
“I chose you.”
I am the first thing Remus has chosen for himself outside of his purpose as Aureon.
And the desire that comes with it is stifling—frightening even.
The only thing that has kept Remus somewhat in check has been his emotional attachment to me—that is the only thing keeping him anything remotely similar to human.
And that is slowly disappearing for some unknown reason, as is his usual control.
My mind drifts to our moments on Earth when we first encountered one another.
Remus was cold, cruel, and vicious. There was no warmth in his gaze, no desire, no kindness.
But over time, it changed. He changed so much that I grew somewhat comfortable around him.
Especially the night I ran off with the rebels.
He was so different that night, keeping me by his side and emphasizing his desires to me.
The Remus I’ve come to know exists because of his attachment to me.
Otherwise, the Remus Noah warned me about would be present.
And after sharing the bond with him briefly, I can see that he isn’t that far from returning to it.
The sound of Remus’s approaching ship pulls me from my thoughts.
For the past few days, he has avoided me, and I him.
Even though it is the reason we got into it in the first place, I am glad for Iriel’s trial, as it has taken up most of Remus’s days.
But today, he has returned early. I’m sure Iriel’s trial is nearing its end.
I turn away from the mountainside to move closer to the house. And I know within seconds that Remus is close. Even though the chill is to my bone, I still recognize the tingling warmth the bond provides when Remus is near.
As I reach the top of the hill, Remus comes into view in all his otherworldly glory.
He looks too perfect to be real as he stands in the snow with clothes that should cause him to freeze to death.
As I approach, I note that the snow’s soft fall forms a bubble around him as it avoids his skin.
It reminds me of the forcefield I felt against my fingers when I tried to get his attention that day.
Remus smiles as I approach, and my heart flutters as I take in its beauty.
“You’ve come to me for once,” he says.
My body reacts to the sultry tone of his voice, warming as I approach.
Internally, I am excited to hear him—to see him.
And it’s been this way ever since we had sex.
The headaches, the body aches, and even the exhaustion have all disappeared with us getting closer.
And my body doesn’t want to give that up, no matter how bitter I am.
Remus’s amethyst gaze shifts over me carefully as he ensures I am okay. His smile drops as he notices something. “Have you been out here long?” he asks.
I shrug.
“As much as I can before you return to tell me what else to do with my life,” I say.
Remus makes a face, his hand moving to my cheek, and I bite my tongue to prevent a moan from escaping me as the warmth of his palm makes the frigid cold disappear against my skin. But my eyes close as I enjoy his touch.
“Because if I don’t, you will freeze to death to prove a point,” he says.
I open my eyes, looking at him in irritation. I quickly slap his hand away, shoving past him to enter the house.
“Iris, how long do you intend to pout about the effects of the bond?” he calls to me as we enter.
“Pout?” I repeat. I turn to face him and immediately wish I hadn’t.
“You think the disappointment in never being able to escape you is me pouting? Finding out that every choice I’ve made has just been you pulling the strings?” I release a humorless chuckle as I look out the glass. “You really are an emotionless being, Remus.”
“Iris—”
“No. What else about my life is a lie? Do I really have a chance to spare my brother? Or is he already dead? Even my ‘betrayal’ you so love to bring up was a farce. You let me leave. Then shattered everything in seconds. You always make me feel like I’m in control like I am the one who is making my own decisions, but it’s always been you.
So, excuse me if I don’t want to look at you because this bond you forced on me makes me want nothing more than to be closer to you,” I growl.
I whip away from Remus, praying that he doesn’t follow me as I make my way through the hallways.
I don’t know if it’s the bond or his words to me the other night, but I feel like I understand him much better now that I’ve gotten rid of the notion of him being capable of feeling anything that emulates human emotion.
He is a master of manipulation, his people included.
He lets them think they have a choice by allowing them this trial.
But it means nothing in the long run. The outcome was already decided the moment Iriel betrayed Remus.
The result will always be what Remus desires. He said so himself.
Everything ‘human’ that Remus has shown me since arriving is because he used the bond to comprehend what I am feeling. Otherwise, the small gestures he’s shown to make me comfortable here would be nonexistent. It’s just another anomaly to add to the pile of mystery that is Remus.
I make my way into the bedroom, grunting in frustration that I can’t slam the door. There isn’t one. And Remus follows me, concern on his face as he enters the room.
“I understand that you’re upset—”
“Don’t do that. Don’t pretend that you understand me. You don’t understand anything about me, Remus. You don’t care to. You just want me here at your beck and call to do what you decide,” I say.
Remus scoffs.
“I’ve always cared for you, Iris. Everything I’ve done is because I care about you. And just because I care differently doesn’t mean that I don’t understand,” he says.
I hate the patience I hear in his voice. I turn to face him, closing the distance between us as I speak.
“You will never understand me. You are a heartless, emotionless being incapable of understanding anything, especially what it’s like to be a human in your presence,” I say.
Remus wipes his face of emotion as we look at one another. But I look into his eyes, what I know is the source of his emotion. The purple shines bright, swirling in a way I’ve never seen before. I release a huff of irritation, attempting to shove past him, when he grips my arm, pulling me close.
I gasp as he holds my gaze. He doesn’t say anything as he looks me in the eyes, an internal struggle appearing on his face.
“You wouldn’t punish a lion for eating a gazelle.
You wouldn’t punish a cat for eating a mouse.
You wouldn’t force it to learn your ways or get angry at it for not adhering to your way of life.
Why do you continue to judge me by those standards?
” Remus’s voice is a sharp whisper as he speaks.
His eyes continue to search mine as his desperation to understand rises to the surface.
“You are punishing me for what I am when everything that I have done since bonding was to protect you from yourself. You would have been taken by your brother, used, and killed by the people you fought so viciously for. You would be dead, Iris. Dead!” he hisses.
I yank my arm from his grip, stepping back.
“Then that would have been my fate. Mine! Not what you chose for me—”
“I chose life for you because you are too stubborn and riddled with guilt to choose it for yourself,” he counters.
“Don’t confuse your desire for me with selflessness, Remus. You couldn’t take the idea of living without me—”
“Yes!” I stumble as the room slightly vibrates from Remus’s outburst. My eyes widen as he once again takes on a strange hue, his body illuminating as he speaks.
”I refuse to live without you. You have triggered something in me I do not want to let go of.
I never want to let go of. Bonding with you was my way of ensuring you never die needlessly.
Not when I had the power to prevent it. And watching you leap to your death…
I never want to feel that helpless again. I won’t,” he says.
Remus’s gaze narrows, and he takes on a personality I’m not familiar with, causing me to tremble as I stand before him.
This isn’t the Remus I’ve come to know. The one who smiles and laughs at the direction of my thoughts.
This Remus is terrifying. Even more so than the version of him I met in the blight.
“I will not apologize for protecting what’s mine. And you are mine.” he says.
I gasp as the symbol we share heats up against my flesh, taking another step back. My legs give out from the mixture of fear and adrenaline, and Remus doesn’t catch me. He watches me bend to his will before kneeling to my height, his fingers gently pressing under my chin.
“I love you, Iris. You don’t need to understand it. You just need to accept it.”