Chapter Seventeen
Iris
I avoided parts of Remus’s home in the earlier days of my arrival just because I didn’t want to familiarize myself with this place.
I didn’t want anything to make this place feel like home to me.
But like everything that comes with Remus, my curiosity overtook my stubbornness, and eventually, I discovered a room that I have categorized as one of Remus’s “happy places.” It is where he goes when we fight, when he wants to avoid me, or first thing in the morning when I am still asleep.
It is also where I get my reading materials when I am in the mood to practice the native language.
It’s his library.
Remus’s library consists of books from all walks of alien life.
And like most rooms in Remus’s home, part of the ceiling and the wall are made of glass, with a fireplace in the center of the room.
It allows me to keep warm while having an overlook of the stunning landscape.
Though the library is modest in size, everything about it is tailored to Remus’s tastes, including the detailed carvings that make up the bookshelves.
As I look at each of the books that have been neatly put away, I note that some books have peculiar shapes and forms. I pull one that is shaped like a scroll off a shelf.
Three holographic pages appear at once, adding to the foreign way other cultures have created reading.
I don’t recognize any of the characters as part of the Leviathan language, so I know immediately this book is from another alien world.
I chuckle bitterly to myself, curious if this book is from a culture Remus respected enough to leave alone or wiped out.
It makes me think of what Sky said that day on the roof about fighting amongst ourselves when there was so much out there—so much more than us.
Earth was just a tiny blip on Remus’s road of conquering.
In hindsight, Remus only showed up to Earth because Iriel began to turn on his people offering aid to humans to “level” the playing field when in reality, he was pissing off his leader and setting us up for a hard fall without even realizing it.
Thinking about it in those terms makes me see the other side of this situation.
Remus never planned anything for Earth. He never intended to be there physically past initially invading.
I was a shock to him, and his decision to bond with me and take me back to his home world was his way of ensuring I never left his life once I became part of it.
I release a deep breath, placing the scroll back as I make my way to the other shelves that look more like books I’m familiar with.
Remus and I are at an impasse.
It’s ironic, the day Remus explained to me what that word meant was the day his obsession grew past the point of his own control, placing this curse on me.
It was also the day I realized he was observing me in real time because I defied his understanding of my race.
And now, I am using the word to describe his feelings for me.
“I love you, Iris. You don’t need to understand it. You just need to accept it.”
I hate how my body reacts when I think of those words.
My chest tightens, and my cheeks warm as I recall the determination in his eyes when confessing that to me.
But I don’t need to accept anything, especially his twisted version of love.
If he hadn’t revealed to me the truth about my “decision” to come, I may have allowed myself to enjoy his revelation, maybe even indulged in it myself with this new life and “freedom.”
I release an irritated breath as I look at the newest book I pulled from the shelf, tensing when I suddenly feel Remus’s presence.
“So this is why my library is always disorganized,” he says as I turn to face him.
Like always, my body reacts to his presence.
I feel stronger and more relaxed. It’s like a weight is instantly lifted off of me when he enters a room, and now is no exception as he approaches.
Usually, at this time, he would be at Iriel’s trial.
I’m assuming the direction our argument took is to blame for his decision to skip.
“You never said I couldn’t use them,” I murmur, moving to put the book in my hands back on the shelf, but Remus’s gentle tone stops me as he speaks.
“That’s because it isn’t an issue,” he says.
He steps past me, his movements graceful as he grabs the scroll-shaped book I was looking at earlier, moving it to its rightful place, and I eye him curiously as he does so.
He was like this on Earth—organized. Everything has a place in his mind and has to remain there.
There is no room for chaos in his life. He was the same way on Earth when I was spying on him.
All of his notes and plans were perfectly organized in their rightful place.
Remus slowly faces me, his expression unreadable as he studies me.
I quickly notice the usual luminance in his gaze is dulled as he looks at me, giving me no indication of his feelings, seeing as I’ve never seen his eyes like this before.
He’s never been this neutral. It’s more unnerving, I realize, since it follows his confession last night, including his refusal to live without me.
His eyes shift to the book in my hands, and he reaches for it, pulling it from my grasp. His eyes shift over the title before he opens it, looking at its content.
“Still trying to learn a language of a world you don’t want to call home?” he asks.
I know he’s just trying to get a rise out of me. I reach for the book, snatching it out of his hands.
“Not trying. I know enough to read,” I say.
Remus looks at me in shock, smiling as he steps closer to me. “That book is from an era before my mother’s reign. When the Leviathan still used tools similar to Earth. The language is different than what you’ve been taught,” he says.
I bite the inside of my cheek as my frustration mounts. After everything that was said last night, he still teases me.
“What do you want, Remus?” I ask.
He thinks about his response for a moment before responding.
“To spend time with you, of course.”
It didn’t occur to me just how little of Xyrannis I’ve seen since arriving.
I’ve seen the capital and Remus’s home, and that’s it.
And even with the creation of a room to remind me of my life on Earth and the freedom to roam the snowscape surrounding Remus’s home, I’ve felt confined.
But I have no words as I stand at the edge of the river surrounded by flourishing plants and trees covered in pink flowers.
In the distance, there is an interwoven obstruction that I can’t decipher as a tree or a mountain as it stretches toward the sky.
The air is warm and clean, and the sweet scent of the flowers lingers in the air as I step to the edge of the river.
The water is chilled when I lower my fingers into it, and I immediately recall the explanation Remus gave me on Earth for the temperature.
I pull my fingers from the water, standing as I face Remus.
“Why did you bring me here?” I ask.
I tense as I feel the familiar shift in my mind. Remus is using the bond. The flood of emotion isn’t as overwhelming as it was before. It’s soothing…calm.
“I knew you’d enjoy it,” he says.
He doesn’t wait for me to respond as he turns his back to me, pulling his shirt off.
My eyes widen slightly as I watch the muscles in his back flex with the movement before his hair falls, covering his back once again.
He still doesn’t speak as he walks to the edge of the river, diving gracefully into the water.
After a few seconds, he breaks through the surface, the water clinging to him in little droplets as it rolls down his form.
He doesn’t seem phased at all by the temperature of the water, but then I recall how he can stand in the deep freeze surrounding his home in everyday wear while I can freeze to death even when I’m swaddled.
I can’t help myself. I laugh.
“What is going on?” I ask.
Remus quirks a brow.
“Nothing. I thought you would want to get out. And I knew you would like this,” he says.
As much as I want to feel angry for him disregarding everything said last night, I can’t. He’s right. I love this. But I don’t know why he isn’t acknowledging our argument or even the harsh words that I said to him.
“But Iriel’s trial—”
“Is not my concern right now,” he says. Silence washes over us, and Remus moves to the edge of the water, placing his arms on the grass and looking up at me. It’s the most boyish thing I’ve ever seen him do.
“If you asked me to, I would bypass the trial and take Iriel’s life myself. I would even do it in front of my society if you asked,” he says.
He’s speaking the truth. I don’t have to wonder.
I can sense it through the bond. I can also feel the desire to keep me, no matter what it might cost him.
And it scares me—the lengths he would go to keep me.
And now that he looks at me with an emotionless expression and the bond between us is open, I see why.
It’s his way of loving me.
“I wouldn’t ask you to do that,” I whisper.
“Then what would you ask of me? To let you return to your home? Maybe share a cell with your brother so that you can see what has become of your world and what will become of it beyond that?” he asks.
“Why are you saying all of this? There isn’t really a choice in it for me,” I say.
Remus watches me for a second longer before taking a deep breath and pushing away from the edge. He floats on his back, closing his eyes, and I notice that the symbol on his chest has also dulled. The pulse is slower than I’ve ever seen it. Something must be wrong with him.
Remus opens his eyes, studying me.
“You were right, Iris. I will never understand you in the way you want me to. My life and yours are incompatible. And you will never understand me, as well,” he says.
He finally comes back to the shore, moving to sit on the edge. His back is to me as he looks at the scenery.
“But you’ve tried, haven’t you?” he asks.
I’m confused by the sudden shift in conversation.
“What?” I ask.
“You’ve tried to understand me—my life and thought processes.
My upbringing. It’s another thing I love about you—your curiosity.
Even now, you still strive to learn the language.
And I have done the same.” Remus shifts, looking at me.
“I feel your sadness for your home. I feel the despair and loneliness that you feel. I feel it, but I don’t understand it. And for that, I am sorry, Iris.”
Remus continues to watch me, even after he’s finished speaking. But I don’t know what to say. And he knows it. He laughs, looking back over the river.
“I am leaving tomorrow. And I won’t be back for a while.”
His words are like a splash of cold water, making my stomach twist. I didn’t realize how lulled into peace I was with his speech until now.
“What?” I ask. “For how long? Where are you going?”
“A place beyond this one,” is all he says.
“Can you not take me with you?” I ask.
Remus smiles. “No. Where I am going is not…compatible with you.”
“So you’re just going to leave me here? After all of that? After everything we said yesterday? After—” I trail off as Remus stands.
The water droplets clinging to him slowly ripple as they dissipate from his body. He stands over me, pushing my hair from my face.
He smiles, revealing his teeth. “Are you going to miss me? After all that bravado?”
Warmth washes over me. It’s different from before. It isn’t overwhelming. It’s pleasant, like the rays from the sun. It encompasses my entire being, and I suddenly feel calm, as it washes over me from my head to toe.
I can’t respond. I don’t want to. I don’t want to give in to the warmth I feel just from being in his presence.
I can’t decipher what it is as our emotions mingle, and I am at the mercy of his.
But he doesn’t press me. He reaches behind him, his hair suddenly falling around him as he pulls an elegant hairpin from his hair.
He gently tucks my hair behind my ear, placing the pin expertly before stepping back to admire his handiwork.
“Like everything I do, I am doing this to protect you. And hopefully when I return, we can try harder to understand one another.”
He steps back, gripping my hand in his, and I tense when I feel tension. He’s pulling me towards the water.
“Let’s not think about our differences for now. Let us just enjoy each other’s company.”