Chapter 45
Forty-Five
BLUE
“Violet?" Reaching out, I touch her knee. We've been sitting in the living room for a few minutes now. The men are in the kitchen, making breakfast and also giving us space.
I figured since I came in with a latte for her and asked to talk, she would have jumped at the opportunity to say something. Honestly, I don't even care if she yells or demands answers; I just want her to talk to me.
Yet her attention has been only on the lid of her cup. I'm worried and unsure about this conversation. We have to have it. There's no ignoring the shit she heard and what she said to me. I also need to apologize.
With a deep breath, I gather the courage to be an adult. "I'm sorry for running away. It was an immature reaction. I should have stayed and talked to you about what I was feeling."
"What were you feeling?" she murmurs, glancing up at me. That one look shows me a flash of guilt.
God, what do I say? I don't want to make her feel worse. "I was feeling sad and confused."
Curling in on herself even more, Violet sniffles. "I'm sorry."
Is it right to brush this off, or do I accept her apology? My automatic response would be to just say it's okay, even though it's not. Violet wasn't thinking about the impact of her words, and, like Jared said, this is a prime learning opportunity for her.
"I understand you had a lot of emotions. All is forgiven, V." It feels super weird to say that to her. Acknowledging that she made a mistake feels wrong when all I want to do is protect her from icky feelings.
She perks up. "Really? You aren't mad at me?"
Christ. "No, honey. I'm not mad. Can you forgive me for running like that?"
"Yes," she nods rapidly and even inches closer to me.
Violet and I have had plenty of fights in the past but never about something so serious. We're in new territory, and she's looking to me to guide us through this uncomfortable turn of events.
"Violet," I start, putting my coffee on the table and placing both of my hands on her knee. "I have my reasons why I didn't give you all the details about my childhood. Firstly, I worked hard not to think about it or let it affect me. And I know you knew plenty already."
She glances away from me and nods. "I didn't know it was that bad, though, Mom. You should have told me."
Hmm. "I think you've discovered a boundary I've had with you. But you need to know I had the same one with everyone. I only told Beth and the girls because they were hurt that I didn't tell them about what the guys did to me in high school. I felt really bad for not opening up to them."
"And what about me?" she demands, and I can't help but smile.
"That leads me to my second reason for not telling you the nitty-gritty details. I was trying to protect you and your feelings." She frowns, so I continue. "You're a lot like me, V. We have some intense feelings."
"You do?"
Ouch. "Yes, I do. I've learned how to avoid them, and push them away. Staying busy has become a crutch, and having a beautiful, bubbly girl around helps keep the demons away."
I shouldn't be surprised that Violet questions how deeply I feel. There are other things I've prioritized, and I've learned how to school my facial features.
Violet frowns and looks down. "You stayed because of me."
Reason number three. "What I didn't want was for you to take on my trauma for yourself.
I'm wondering if it's genetic to be too hard on ourselves, huh?
" Smiling, I nudge her. She gives me a watery laugh that makes me feel marginally better.
"None of what happened to me happened because of you.
Not eleven years ago, and not this month. "
V narrows her eyes at me. "That is going to take a while to believe. You didn't leave Linda because of me. You got kidnapped because of me. Mom, literally all of it was my fault."
"If I'm going to open up to you, Violet, you need to work on this thought process. You'll go to therapy. I'll even go with you for some family sessions because this isn't right. You're taking on my choices as if they were your own. As if you forced me."
She opens her mouth, but I'm determined to set the record straight. "No, listen. You'll talk to someone. I will too. But until I know you are in the right frame of mind to hear my stories, I won't tell you."
Violet looks mad, but she stays silent. Hopefully, I'm getting through to her because this is serious.
I say as much. "This is serious, Violet.
Guilt will eat you alive and steal your sunshine.
It will pop all those bubbles that wake you up at five in the morning to go on a new adventure.
Those bubbly skips you do when you're excited will burst if you let the guilt devour your happiness. My past is not yours to carry."
"Okay, Ma..." she whispers, crying openly now.
"Violet," I whisper, wiping her tears away with my thumbs, "please if you hear anything I say, hear this."
Tears blur my vision as I prepare to release my biggest truth. It may have taken a near-death experience and a lot of fear to get me there, but I'm ready to embrace it.
"I am proud of myself. So so proud. There were many things that tried to break me and rip me apart, but I persevered.
I'm a mom, V. The love you have for me shows me how good of a job I've done.
When I packed my bag all those years ago, I didn't know what I was going to do or who I wanted to be. I just wanted to run."
I can see the apology building on her face, so I shake my head and continue.
"You were my reason to fight, Violet. And I did.
I decided to stay and create a relationship that would become the greatest accomplishment of my life.
So don't you dare take that from me, young lady.
" I boop her nose, and a laugh that sounds a bit like a sob escapes from her.
"Had I ran, I wouldn't have the amazing life I do now.
You showing up on our rotting doorstep was the greatest thing that could have happened to me.
It was hard. It tested me, but every damn day there was no choice because I wanted to stay.
To protect you and love you. You, Violet Bennett, are my sunshine.
Each day you kept my petals alive with your smile and those eyes that told me to live.
I'm a pretty kick ass flower because of that little girl who doused me in her light day in and day out.
Even in those days, I just wanted to wilt away in bed, you'd skip to my side and smile.
I bloomed every day because of you, and even if it was for you, I learned to grow for myself too. "
"So don't, please don't diminish my accomplishments and strength with unnecessary guilt. I did good, V. I'm good."
I'm breathing heavily as I finish my speech. The words still tumble through my brain, each one truly registering for the first time.
Jared made me think this morning, not about other stuff, but about myself. I've thought more about me and who I am the past week than I have in my entire life. And I think he's right. I am both Erica and Blue. I can't be Blue without Erica. And Erica may no longer exist without Blue.
"I hear you, Mom. I admire you and love you," Violet whispers, giving me the perfect response. "Can you hear me now?"
I take a deep breath and nod, hoping like hell she's not about to spout some BS about how everything is her fault again.
She surprises me, though. "I think you need to let them in. You're struggling too, and you need them. Plus, neither of us is getting any sleep," she says gently, probably trying to protect my feelings now too.
"And I lied this morning," Violet adds with a wince. "The neighbor lady was actually annoyed, not worried about you."
Biting back a groan, I rub my forehead. I knew this was coming. What we've been doing isn't sustainable. I need to take some control of the situation and do what's best for both of us. "I don't want to leave you alone, V."
She nods and glances at her flip phone, making me wonder why she hasn't replaced it or gotten her previous one back. No way she can get on her social media with that old hunk of technology.
"I figured you might argue that, and I don't really want to be alone right now anyway. So I called Janine, and she will come stay with me."
"Janine? Not Bethany?" I'm surprised, considering Janine will be on top of Violet's behavior and attitude.
"Yeah, I need someone to hold me accountable because you're right, we Bennett girls have big feelings." Violet smiles at me when she accepts my last name as hers. Maybe someday she will want to make it official, but for right now, this is enough.
I hate leaving her even if it will only be for a little while, but I'm hindering her right now. Figuring out my nightmares has become a priority because I've been keeping my kid up at night. It's unacceptable.
She'll be in good hands with my best friend, and we'll still see each other all the time. This is just like when she goes on her long road trips, so why do I feel like everything is changing?
Grabbing her, I wrap her in a hug I never want to end. She's my girl, my daughter, my other half.
"I love you, V."
"I love you, Mom."