Chapter 13
Chapter
Thirteen
Kitten
Ryan’s been floating around the back of my mind—it was an innocent encounter, and I’m glad I was able to help.
He had this lost puppy vibe to him, but of course it could be that it was the worst moment of his life.
I liked his dusty blond hair and his sad brown eyes.
He also has a cute hint of a southern accent.
I can’t imagine having my life balance on the whim of an insurance company. It all seems so random and heartless.
I kinda hope he calls. He seems like he needs help, and I don’t know how I can, but it would be nice to feel useful again.
My ex was a piece of shit, but at least I was being helpful, if not a little enabling.
But that was his thing, manipulation by being incompetent.
Bo needed me for everything—to pay his bills, make his appointments, cook, clean.
I was basically his mother and assistant that he would fuck and treat like trash.
By day, I’m Amber, graphic designer, starting a new life while trying not to repeat the mistakes of the past. But at night when I’m with Fox, I feel different, stronger, and willing to do things I’ve only imagined and being rewarded for my bravery.
Is it Fox that makes me like this? Or did I always have this in me, but Bo convinced me I wasn’t enough or deserving of joy.
Or more realistically, he was bad in bed and blamed me for his inabilities.
Alana is true to her word—my ex’s friends haven’t returned. It’s been nice being able to feel safe. It’s a rare luxury that everyone else takes for granted.
Fox is wonderful. But everything is sexual and I don’t think I should conflate pleasure with emotions.
He won’t let me see him without his mask, and it’s going to be hard to go on a date, bowling maybe, with a guy in a full facial mask.
He has so many rules and walls up. Literally boundaries and barriers I can’t break through.
Me: This is just a physical relationship, right?
God, how desperate do I sound? The man gets me off a few times and now I’m a clingy girl looking for more.
Maybe he doesn’t even have these rules and this is all an act. I don’t know anything about him. There’re a million things he could be lying about. Damn it. I should be smarter than this.
Ryan is awkward, has some sort of medical condition, has panic attacks, and is super cute. Sure, not all of those are selling features, but at least it's real. He’s not some fictional fantasy in my head, and I’m not supplanting idealized lies for grounded reality.
Do I even want more with Fox?
Kinda.
I want to see behind the mask, literally and figuratively.
Everyone at the club seems to think he’s great. Alana said he was a good guy. He’s never treated me badly or insulted me.
And there’re truths about myself I haven’t told him. Why should I expect him to tell me anything? That’s his whole shtick—he’s a mystery. And who am I to ask him to push past his boundaries that he’s clearly marked with neon signs and fireworks stating “ye shall not enter.”
Me: Because I guess it would be hard to go out to dinner with you. The mask might make it difficult to eat.
Even as I hit send, I know what the answer will be, and now I’m bummed and annoyed with myself.