20. Chapter 20
I hated that Nate felt the need to get a second job, and as much as I wanted to argue, I let it go because Nate did what Nate wanted.
He could be pretty stubborn sometimes, and I loved him for it.
His stubbornness was what saved me in the first place, turning to determination to get me out of that house so long ago.
His stubbornness was what kept us alive on the streets.
We wouldn’t be where we were, safe in each other's arms, were Nate not stubborn.
I wrap my arms around my legs in bed as I watch Nate yank open up drawers, pull out clothes, and toss them onto his single bed. He grumbles about wanting to kill our foster father as he slams one drawer only to open up another and empty that out, too.
“Grab your backpack and pick out clothes you want to bring with you. Everything else stays,” he says.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m getting you the fuck out of here.”
Nate is small, cute, and brave. I love his curls bouncing around.
I don’t know how he’s so strong, but I feed off of it.
It makes me feel strong despite being weak.
Always weak. If I weren’t so weak, then I wouldn't make people so angry all the time.
But Nate is never angry at me. He only gets angry at those who try to hurt me. He protects me.
“Sam?”
“What?”
“Pack up.”
I climb out of bed and sort through clothes that I want to keep. But I liked all of them. Most of our clothes were bought used at Goodwill, so they are worn and faded, but they’re mine. There are some T-shirts that are my favorite. What if I want to bring them all? I couldn’t fit them in my bag.
“Do you need help picking things out?” he asks. “You can’t bring them all, Sam.”
I nod. It’s best to let Nate decide. He will know what I like the most. But I’m also sad to let things go.
They’re mine, and they were hard to come by.
Wherever we’re going, I would have even less, but as long as Nate is with me, it won’t matter.
He’s my best friend and my crush. He’ll help me and make sure I’m okay. I trust him.
“Where are we going?” I ask.
“Anywhere but here. I’ll figure it out. But we may have to live on the streets for a while. It might be scary, but at least you won’t get hit anymore. I swear to fucking god, if we don’t leave, I’m going to kill the bastard.”
My smile is small as I watch him fold some of my T-shirts and shove them into my backpack. Nate is always strong and determined. I’m sure he’ll keep us safe. I’m not afraid to leave with him. As long as he’s in my life, I’ll be fine.
“Do you trust me?” he asks.
“Always.”
Another kiss on my lips pulled me out of my memory. “Welcome back,” he said.
“Hey.”
Nate’s breathing picked up as he said my name and pressed another kiss to my lips before kissing my cheek, jaw, and throat.
I closed my eyes, enjoying the tingling across my skin wherever he kissed.
His lips were electrical currents. His touch and affection washed away old memories and spiraling thoughts.
All I felt and focused on was his sweet, tender mouth.
“I want to try it,” he breathed against my throat.
“Try what?”
“Sex. Only if you want to. I’ve held out for you, hoping one day this would happen between us.”
“God, I’ve wanted to try it, too. But I’m… also afraid of it.” I could never tell anyone else this other than Nate. Only he would understand.
“I’m a little afraid, too. Tell me why you feel that way.”
His hand slipped under my shirt, grazing my tingling skin. His fingers were whispers of touch, soothing, relaxing, and distracting. Nate was the epitome of patience, even when he was exploring my body.
“Tell me why you’re afraid, Sam.”
“What if I get distracted too much to do it? You know how I can get sometimes. Or what if I blank out? Or, even worse, what if I fail to please you?”
“You haven’t failed at pleasing me yet and you haven’t been distracted when we’ve fooled around, but I’m glad you’re talking about this.
I don’t know much about sex other than where your dick goes, but I do understand that you and I need to talk about things.
If there’s something you don’t like, then we don’t do it.
Or, if you grow bored or distracted, we’ll think of something else.
If you don’t want sex at all, then we don’t have to. ”
I took a lock of his hair and twisted the soft strands around my fingers. “But that hardly seems fair to you.”
“This is about pleasing us both. It’s not about one person. If you aren’t into it, then I’m not going to be into it, either. Your being turned on turns me on. Sex between you and me is how we make it, not what’s expected or how others do it. Does that make sense?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I think so.”
“I don’t want you stressed out about this, and I understand that you’re not always going to be focused.
” His hand under my shirt pressed flat against my heart.
“I realize it’s a hard ask, but try not to worry about sex or me.
If you can’t do it, then you can’t. I’m just as happy being in your arms and knowing you love me. Sex isn’t everything.”
But for how long could he hold out? People have sex for a reason beyond having babies.
They want pleasure and to give their partner pleasure.
That was the point, right? People did that in relationships.
God, I wanted to have sex with Nate… so much.
I’ve held out for him, too, but now that the moment was upon us, I was nervous.
I didn’t want to fail him. What if he got bored with me? Or worse, what if—
Another kiss on my lips had me focusing on Nate again. “If it stresses you out too much—”
“I want to,” I blurted. “So much.”
Nate’s smile spread across his face, and his eyes were hooded and sexy. “Good, me, too. Just remember, I’m also really nervous, but I want you too much to hold back.”
With a sudden sense of boldness, I sat up and pushed Nate back onto the couch, pinning his arms up over his head and leaning down to kiss him.
Fuck, he had a way of pulling out the best in me.
Just when I felt I was crashing or getting lost, Nate would pull me right back to him and not make me feel bad.
I knew for a fact that he was a rare gem after living a life with people constantly trying to change me or ‘fix’ me.
“So, who gets to be inside who?” I ask.
“Whatever you want, Sam. I know you liked it when I controlled things during our blow jobs, and I can do that again, though I have no idea what the hell I’m doing,” he said with a self-deprecating chuckle and shrugging. “Or you can be in me.”
“I’ve always imagined you being inside of me. Is… that okay?”
“It’s all okay, baby.”
Nate and I had spent the rest of the day yesterday on our phones looking up anal sex. Sure, I’ve seen guys do it whenever I snuck in some porn, but I’ve never actually researched it, doubting I’d ever have sex. Because we wanted to do it right, we blushed through online instructions.
Once we were sure we had some clue as to what we were doing, we headed to the drugstore to buy lube and an enema bulb, which was even more embarrassing. While I probably didn’t need it, I was way too self-conscious about being clean enough and didn’t want to be distracted by my worries.
Nate and I both agreed we wouldn’t bother with condoms, since this was a first for us.
As I stared into the foggy mirror from the shower, my mind filled with doubts and insecurity. I drew a heart into the condensation on the mirror and wrote ‘NL + SM’ in the center like a middle schooler.
My stomach suddenly rumbled, and I rubbed it. Did I eat today? Then I remembered I chose not to. Maybe I could have a banana at least. Did we have bananas? I could ask Nate to buy some if we didn’t. But I wouldn’t get to eat one, regardless. Maybe I could have something else that’s small.
Nate knocked on the bathroom door, startling me. “How are you doing, baby?”
Baby.
I smiled at that. Fuck, it was as if he had this way of knowing when I needed him, or he had perfect timing.
Shit, what if he left me over this? If I failed and he grew bored, he wouldn’t stick around. Who wanted to be with someone so bad at sex? I couldn’t go on without my beautiful Polaris.
“Sam, answer me.”
Before I could second guess myself again, I opened the door. I was dried off but still naked from my shower.
His creamless-coffee eyes pinged straight to my cock, and he licked his full, kissable lips.
“God, Sam… You look so fucking hot.” To prove how turned on he was, and without taking his eyes off my dick, he cupped himself as he started to tent in his sweats.
And just like that, my cock grew hard at his reaction.
Nate eyed me and bit his bottom lip before he reached for my hand and tugged me out of the bathroom and toward his bedroom.
My heart raced often, though now it was filled with not only uncertainty, but excitement.
The unknown thrilled and terrified me at the same time.
Why was sex such a big deal? Everyone did it for the most part, right?
It couldn’t be that hard, right? Yet my hands grew clammy and trembled in his strong, confident ones.
Once we reached his bedroom, Nate took my face in his warm hands and pulled me down for a kiss. “You can be inside me if you want instead. You can back out. Anything, Sam.”
I shook my head and gripped his narrow shoulders. “No. I want this.”
Nate stepped back, grabbed the hem of his worn T-shirt, and pulled it over his head, tossing it to the floor.
His long, slender fingers slipped into the waistband of his sweatpants and pulled them off.
He stripped away layers, exposing his smooth, tanned skin, virtually hairless, except for a smattering of hair forming his happy trail, which grew thicker as it got closer to his hard cock.
He was free-balling it, making my heart flip around in my chest. Why did that turn me on so much?