23. Chapter 23 #2
We all cleaned up the mess, and when everyone stepped out to work, Alpha grabbed my arm and tugged me into his office.
I guess he was going to push me after all.
“Sit and talk. Work can wait for a minute. You seem completely off, and you’re the steadiest person I know, so what’s going on? You look like you’re about to shatter.”
I sighed, sitting down in the worn office chair across from his desk. “I don’t know… just feeling over-emotional for some reason.”
“What’s going on?”
“Working a second job isn’t helping. I’m so fucking tired all the time. It’s not just the hours, but Sam… he doesn’t like being away from me for long periods.”
Alpha sat on the edge of his desk, facing me and nodding. “I can understand that, but he’ll get used to things soon. He’ll adapt just fine. He just needs time.”
I rubbed my clammy hands on my jean-clad thighs. I really needed to take this opportunity to talk to someone, and if I could talk to anyone about this, it would be Alpha. He wouldn’t say a word to anyone, and maybe he’d have some sage advice.
“It’s… not just that or needing the damn money.”
“So tell me what else is going on.”
“You promise not to say anything, especially to Sam?”
“You got it.”
I nodded, grateful to finally have an ear to talk about all this.
“We’re really not sure if he was born that way or if… Fuck. I shouldn’t say anything, but dammit, I need to talk to someone about all this.”
Alpha stood and squatted in front of me. “I won’t say anything. We all need someone to talk to, and we can only take so much on before we break if we don’t have an outlet for our voices and struggles. If you can’t talk to me, you can always talk to a therapist.”
I nodded and took a deep breath. “Sam was sent to conversion therapy as a young teen by his parents. He hadn’t even come out as gay yet.
Fuck, the facility did all sorts of horrible things to him.
They hurt him, Alpha. So much. And they used electric shock therapy on him and probably had no idea what they were doing or they just didn’t care. ”
He stood and ran a hand through his honey-blond hair, looking as if he was about to be sick. “Jesus fuck…”
“We were foster brothers, and our last foster father hurt Sam, so I took him out of there. As you know, we ran away from that life. I had to protect him at all costs. He’d been hurt enough. Sam is doing great for the most part—”
“Because he has someone who loves him and cares about his well-being.”
I nodded and swallowed another growing lump.
“I love him so much… always have. He has these nightmares… they’re fucking horrible, and he has days he really struggles mentally.
Sometimes he just blanks out for a moment.
I’ve done all I can for him, and I’ll keep doing it.
I’ll never leave him, not just because he needs me, but because I need him, too.
Shit…” I ran a hand through my hair. “Because Sam makes me feel needed and wanted. No one has ever wanted me in my entire life. I love being there for him, but I’m also so tired now that I’m working two jobs.
Sam doesn’t like it at all. I just need someone to talk to, that's all.”
I ran my hands along my jeans and stared at my feet. “Sorry for the word vomit.”
“Sounds like you two have a bit of a co-dependency issue going on. While that’s fine, as long as you two benefit from it, it can also wreak havoc on a relationship. You both really need a professional to talk to about this.”
My eyes grew wide, and I shook my head. “No! Sam refuses to see anyone. He is terrified of doctors. Doctors and nurses hurt him as a kid. He won’t go near one again. When we had to get him stitches, the paramedics had to sedate him.”
“God, poor Pip. I had no idea he was struggling that hard. I could see there were times he would withdraw more than usual, but he never let on that he was suffering that much.”
“He hides his past because he doesn’t want you all to pity him or think less of him.”
“As if…”
“You and I both know that, but Sam has a lot of built-up insecurities and low self-worth. He can’t help it. People made him that way. Fucking assholes.”
Alpha sat back on the corner of his desk, folding his hands in his lap, and looked at me as a father might a son who, even though he wasn’t much older than the rest of us.
“You know, some doctors are willing to do teleconferences instead. I have no doubt Pippin isn’t the only one who suffers from the fear of doctors.
Surely, there are some doctors around who are willing to help over the phone, using video conferences.
Would he be willing to talk to a doctor that way?
Without being in the physical presence of one? ”
God, I was such a fucking idiot. How had I not thought about that before? It seemed so simple now. “Goddammit! I didn’t even…”
“You’re not a professional, Nacho. I’ve dealt with a lot of therapy over the years and talked others into getting help, so I have more research under my belt.
Don’t take this as a personal failure. You’ve been absolutely amazing for Pippin.
Just talk to him about it and see if he’s game. If so, I can help you find someone.”
I stood and pulled him into a hug. He was big, and he engulfed me in his arms. “Thanks so much, Alpha… for everything.”
“Anytime, kiddo.”
When I walked out of his office, my steps were lighter, and my heart felt less heavy. Just a simple talk had my soul at ease.