24. Chapter 24
We were too tired to do anything fun last night for Nate’s birthday since he worked all day yesterday, and we didn’t get home until three in the morning.
As soon as we walked into his room last night, we fell into his bed and passed out on top of each other.
Well, Nate passed out. I’d been missing him during the day, so much so that sometimes I’d end up panicking.
That was when I’d text him over and over, asking him what he wanted for dinner, which I would forget to make, or if he remembered where I put my second pair of earbuds or where my charger was.
Sometimes, it was about just knowing he was there and responding to me.
I didn’t like him so far away for so long, reminding me of the loud cars under the overpass when he had to bring back some money. He’d be gone all day. I hadn’t had earbuds back then to block out the noises.
Even worse, I’d get scared that he wouldn’t come back to me because he was sick of me with all my texting and hounding him.
Maybe if he made enough money, he could leave and get his own apartment.
What if he found life easier without me?
I was too much all the time. I tried so hard not to talk so much and let my thoughts drift off like drifting into another dream, forgetting the previous dream.
My dreams had been getting better since sharing a bed with Nate, but sleep had gotten worse since he started leaving me to work.
I didn’t like it. Not one bit.
When he came home, the avalanche of relief that rushed through me made it hard to breathe.
He came back. He came back.
As soon as he walked into the door, I put a smile on my face and tried to be happy for him and not to stress him out. But I saw it. He was tired all the time. He smiled less. Sometimes, he’d just zone out in front of the TV. I was scared.
Nate’s hand, sliding up my T-shirt and his leg draping over mine, pulled my attention back to him.
My fears were real and lingered, but his presence and touch helped ground me, breathing out happier thoughts like I could hold him every night now, kiss him whenever I wanted to, and we got to explore our bodies.
“Can we just stay like this all day?” he mumbled in my chest.
I pressed my nose into his hair, inhaling my favorite lingering scents mixed with beer and cigarettes from last night and his intoxicating smell of sleep.
“If you want,” I said.
“I don’t know… I think I like your idea of fooling around in bed all day.”
“Hmm, that sounds especially nice.”
Nate lifted his head and cracked a sleepy eye open. “Just nice? Is that all sex is to you?”
He was joking, right? Did I make it sound like sex was bad or average? I loved having sex with Nate. I was afraid I would struggle sometimes, but I never did because I trusted him and I wanted him.
“I’m teasing you,” he said, answering all my worries.
I chuckled and snuggled into him tighter. “Good, because it’s more than nice. Remember those galaxies I’d talked about?” He nodded, pressing his head against my chest again. “Yep, I always see them when we fool around.”
“Then let’s visit some of those galaxies. Uhm… do you know any besides our Milky Way?”
“Hmm, we got Andromeda, Whirlpool, Sombrero—”
“Sombrero as in the hat?”
“Yep, it’s kind of hat-shaped. So what galaxy would you like to visit this morning, Star?”
Nate rolled on top of me and pinned my hands down to the bed. “I’ll take any of them as long as you’re in it.”
God, how did he make me feel better and whole with such simple words? He was magical like that, always knowing the right thing to say.
His hands slid under my shirt again and shoved the fabric up and over my head, tossing it to the floor somewhere. Long fingers returned to my chest, trailing along my skin, swirling a tip around my nipple, which sent a shudder through me.
Lips found their way to my chest, and I closed my eyes to feel their softness as they tasted my skin.
Nate worked his way down my stomach, making sure to press kisses wherever he could reach before his fingers took hold of the band of my underwear, tugging them down until my cock sprung free, hard and happy to see him.
Nate and I had been really practicing blowing each other, though it became harder to do when he worked so much.
He came to rest between my legs, spreading them and taking my dick in his hand.
Should I shower before he goes down on me? Do I care if he hasn’t showered? No, so he wouldn’t care, right? Wait, did we have plans to skate today? He got that new board. What if he’d rather skate?
Warm wetness engulfed my dick as his tongue pressed up against the edge of my tip.
My eyes rolled and my lids closed. My hands rushed to Nate’s curls, where I fingered some soft locks.
Comfort. His hair was pure comfort. I didn’t know how or why.
I just did. It was like the strands of his hair kept me tethered to him—a lifeline.
His warmth washed over my entire body as my dick zinged, pulsing for more. A shudder shot through me when he curled his tongue around my head and through the slit.
“Fuck… Star…”
Nate popped off, stroking me. “You need more, baby?”
“Yes, why’d you stop?”
“‘Cause it’s fun.”
I huffed, but whimpered and groaned when he swallowed me down again.
He couldn’t take me all the way, so he held my base in a tight fist, stroking as his head bobbed.
It wouldn’t take me long to nut. Just having Nate’s mouth wrapped around me was enough, but him sucking and using his tongue… that was magic.
“Ugh!” I complained when he popped off again. “Why?”
His chuckle was low. “I don’t want you coming yet. You taste too good.”
My dick throbbed with his words. “You’re so mean, yet that’s kind of hot. How do you do that?”
“Because it’s the truth.”
“Please, Star… more. Don’t stop. I need to fucking come.”
“Who wants whom to make the rules around here again?”
“I wanted you to.”
“So, I make the rules.”
I whined and fisted his hair tighter, but didn’t force him on my cock. “Please…”
“Since you asked so nicely.”
Nate didn’t go easy on me then, sucking me hard, using his tongue and hand while using his other hand to tug on my balls.
Soon, I was rushing cum into his mouth as I cried out. I wasn’t sure what, but it had to be about coming because fuck… My heart was thundering, and my breathing came in gasps. When Nate licked me clean, my body trembled like it was shocked with electricity.
“Stop, stop… no more.”
“You sure? I could do another round.”
I laughed and pulled him up on top of me. “No way. It’s your turn.”
After yanking his clothes off, he fell onto his back in bed, and I swallowed his pretty dick down my throat as far as it would go, loving his earthy and salty taste.
It also had a touch of sweetness to it, too, reminding me of sweet and sour.
Maybe we could make Chinese food tonight. Did we have the ingredients?
“Shit, your mouth, Sam… Perfection. More, baby. More.”
His words and tugging on my hair brought back my focus. God, I adored him for it.
“Can you… put your finger in me? I… like that.”
One day, he would want me inside him. I loved him fucking me, but I think I needed to try to be in him. He liked that, and I should give it to him.
Without saying a word, I ran my finger through my spit on his cock, and swirled it around his hole before easing my finger in.
His back arched, and he groaned. “Yeah… that feels good. Suck me some more.”
With my finger thrusting in and out and sucking him down, Nate came in no time. I swallowed his entire load, savoring it. I could suck him all day.
When I pulled off, I climbed up next to him. We curled into each other and kissed for a while, tasting our cum, before we finally got up to get ready for our day.
I climbed out of bed and pulled on my underwear. “Do you have to work tomorrow?” I hoped not. Nate worked too much. He’d been working at the grocers for only three weeks, but it felt like three months.
“Yeah, I have Wednesday and Sunday off this week.”
All that pleasure we just gave each other instantly washed away with oncoming anxiety. “You work too much. Why can’t you take the day off?”
“Sam, you know I can’t. I just want us to have some money for a rainy day. We never get to save anything. Plus, working there… maybe I’ll eventually get promoted. I could even be a store manager one day if I work hard and am always on time.”
“No!”
Nate stopped putting on his T-shirt and looked at me with his wide, dark eyes. “No?”
“I mean… it’s…”
I flopped onto the bed and deflated, letting out a long sigh. “It’s just that I miss you, and I get… nervous.” Okay, time for honesty. “What if… you don’t come back?”
Nate squatted in front of me and fingered back my long bangs. “Is that why you’re so worried when I’m gone?”
I nodded. “That and… I don’t like you not at home. I’m used to you here with me. It makes me feel safe.”
“You’re always safe, baby. Even when I’m not home. No one can hurt you.”
I huffed and stood, pacing. “You don’t know that! Or what if someone hurts you and…”
“Anything can happen, Sam. We can’t control the world around us all the time.”
Nate stood next to me by the bed, wrapping an arm around me. “Sam… maybe it’s time.”
What did he mean? “T-time for what?”
“Therapy.”
My stomach burned with acid as I tried to catch my breath from my heart beating too fucking fast. The sweat broke out in my pits and along my back. “No, no, no… No doctors!”
My hands gripped my hair as I paced again, feeling the vertigo coming on.
Doctors were bad. Evil. They hurt kids when they did nothing wrong.
I was a good kid, right? Maybe I wasn’t.
Maybe I was bad—a bad, bad kid. I was being punished.
I can’t even remember how I used to be before…
No, they did horrible things to me. Bad kids get spankings, not shocked in their brains, or… touched.
I couldn’t be sedated for a therapist, either.
Strong fingers grabbed my face, forcing me to stop pacing and look at him. Him. My star. Polaris.
“Count with me.”
I tried to shake my head, but he wouldn’t let me. He was stronger than he looked. “No.”
“Let’s breathe.”
“No…”
“Hold for four seconds.”
I shook my head again but did as I was told.
“Now, breathe out.”
Again, I copied Nate’s breathing and focused on him. After doing that three times, I was breathing better, but I was far from calm.
“Sam, there’s a way to talk to a therapist without going to them. You can do a video conference.”
“No, they’ll make me do bad things. Why do you want me to see someone who hurts people?”
Nate grabbed my hand and rubbed soothing circles over my skin. “Most doctors are not bad. I realize it’s hard to see that after what you’ve been through, but most want to help you. All you would have to do is talk to them on the phone. That’s it. I can be there for you to make sure you’re okay.”
I shook my head again.
“Sam, I help you as much as I can, but it’s not enough to punch through all your trauma. You’re not getting better. I love you, and I hate seeing you suffer.”
He was wrong. I was getting a lot better. He loved me. We shared a bed, so my dreams weren’t so bad. I still had them, but not as much. When we kissed, I felt almost normal. It was so good… “I’m doing good. Really. I promise not to text you so much when you’re at work. I swear.”
Nate sighed, trying his best to be so patient, but he saw through me. He always saw so deeply into me. I usually loved that he could do that, but now I itched from it.
“It’s not about your texting, baby. That’s fine if you need reassurance. I just want you to stop suffering. It fucking kills me.”
“H-how do you know about this video doctor?”
He smiled, looking relieved. I would listen, but that didn’t mean I’d agree to this.
“Alpha told me about—”
My body stiffened, and I took a step back from my star, needing him to stop touching me and distracting me. “H-how would Alpha know?” Nate folded his arms around himself and bit his bottom lip, looking guilty as fuck. “You told him.”
The knife of betrayal wasn’t in my back, but in my heart.
“I had to talk to someone, Sam. Please understand. I’m alone here.”
“No! You’re never alone. You have me.”
He took a step forward while I took a step back, not wanting that knife any deeper. If it did, I would bleed to death.
“Yes, I have you to talk to, but who do I talk to when it’s about you? When I need to clear my head? You’ve kept this a secret, leaving me alone to help you. He swore he wouldn’t tell anyone. Please, we only talked so I could get some advice.”
“But why?! I thought we were good! I don’t understand. And if you told him my secret, the one person I trust the most, then why wouldn’t he tell someone else?”
Nate’s eyes watered and his lip trembled. “God, you’re right… I’m so sorry. I was feeling really alone, scared, and tired. Usually, I’m fine, but I had a bad moment. Please forgive me.”
Taking another step back, I wiped the hot tears from my face and shook my head. “I… I don’t know.”
“Sam?”
I turned around, rushed to my bedroom, and locked the door. Nate pounded on it, wanting me to open it. I wanted to open it, but I didn’t want to see him. My trust was gone. If I couldn’t trust Nate, who could I trust?
You’re an idiot. He just wants to help you, and you’re too chickenshit. It’s your fault he’s hurting. You’re the one he can’t trust.
I growled at the insistent, bullying words and slammed my dresser drawer shut.
I needed to breathe and to get out of there. Skating. I needed to skate or something to get away from him for a while.
When I opened the door, Nate was still standing there, crying. I ached, blaming myself, blaming him. I rushed to the front door, grabbing my jacket and board.
“Don’t leave me, Sam. I need you. Please…”
The desperation and pain in his voice made me stop in my tracks, but I had to breathe. To get away. It was stronger than my Polaris.
“I… need to think.”