25. Chapter 25
The late morning turned cloudy, with a damp chill in the air.
Rain was coming. I loved yet hated the rain.
I loved it when it washed away the filth and stench, but it was cold.
Nate and I always got soaking wet when we lived on the streets.
I felt the same way about the cold. We’d always been cold from fall to spring before we got an apartment, but Nate always held me close, using our body heat to keep us warm.
There was little traffic on Sunday morning since people attended church, so I could ride through the streets without worrying about getting hit by a car.
I jumped off the curbs, carved around corners, pumping my leg as hard as I could to move faster and faster as if I could run away from my problems. But they always chased me like rabid dogs.
I was smart enough to know that. Your problems and past always caught up with you.
Nate telling Alpha was proof enough of that.
I couldn’t even be angry at him. Nate never made me angry, but the sense of betrayal weighed heavily. He was the one person I trusted the most in this world, and even he let me down.
Despite being outdoors, with the wind blowing over my face, I still suffocated in shame and disappointment.
So alone.
So empty.
It was my fault for making Nate betray me. He suffered alone because of me—because I was a freak and broken and useless. There was no fixing me. I had way too many fears. The very thought of seeing a doctor had me nearly throwing up and breaking out into a cold sweat.
I needed to do better, but I didn’t know how.
Around twenty minutes later, I reached the skatepark, which was dead, thank fuck. I didn’t want to have to fight people for space to skate.
I took to one of the larger half-pipes, climbed to the top, and stood there on my board for a minute, taking in the view of the city of Baltimore surrounding me. I tried to get into the moment, but I couldn’t find any sense of calm.
Baltimore wasn’t a pretty city, especially under the overcast skies, giving off a depressed vibe that matched my mood, reflecting back at me when I looked at the urban landscape, reminding me of how little joy I had in life.
Nate. Skating. Bartending.
I had no dreams of becoming successful, raising a family, or owning a house, and all those other expectations society had of you.
Every day would be the same. I loved and hated routines.
Routines took away the joy sometimes, but they also helped me stay on track.
Nate deserved more than my broken mind and mediocrity.
A flash of my parents’ faces hit me. That was all I ever got.
My memories of them were next to nothing, but sometimes, my mind forced them in.
The wiring in my brain tried to find completed threads where there were none.
I’d gotten used to it over the years, but I was glad to have so few memories of my parents.
All my problems were their fault. I knew that well enough, but deep inside, I blamed myself for all of it.
If I had only been a good enough son, they wouldn’t have sent me away.
If I had behaved better in that facility, maybe they wouldn’t have zapped my brain or…
touched me. And if I hadn’t fought so hard to be ‘normal,’ Nate wouldn’t have had to betray my trust.
“Ugh!”
Frustration, anger, disappointment, and depression filled my veins, burning me from the inside out.
I pushed my board over the edge, moving as fast as I could before I reached the lip on the other side, catching air and doing a lipslide before going back down to reach the other side.
For a moment, as I moved back and forth, doing tricks, a calmness finally washed over me, and I was able to blank out all my problems for a while, just focusing on making the trick without having to bail.
I pushed myself harder and harder, chasing that blank wall, not wanting to feel anything but pure pleasure and thrill.
No thoughts. No pain. No suffering. Just nothingness.
I came down too far from the lip. There was no compensating as I crashed to the bottom, losing my board somewhere. I landed hard on my back, but I was careful not to slam my head on the ramp. A stabbing pain shot up from my ass to my spine. Now I hurt inside and out.
“Fuck!”
I lay on my back, staring up at the thick, ominous clouds as the first drop of rain fell onto my face. The sky wanted to cry as much as I did. As another raindrop hit my face, everything came pouring out.
My hands covered my face as I bawled like a fucking infant. Everything just came to a head as I let out all my pent-up pain that I’d hidden behind carefully constructed walls—walls that I’d relied on Nate to maintain for me because I was too weak. He was so strong.
But I wasn’t sure I could trust him to hold me up anymore. Yet, I would never leave him. He was mine, and I was his. I loved him too much for that to change, and I still needed him to help keep me whole.
“God, you’re so stupid, stupid…” I hissed at myself.
The smell of cigarette smoke yanked me out of my crying. “You alright?” said a familiar voice.
I spread my fingers open to peek out at the smoking man squatting next to me.
Cueball .
“No. Not alright. Never alright. All wrong. I’m all wrong.”
My fingers closed as the tears spilled again, as if I could hide my weakness from this person who seemed to have non-existent emotions.
“Can you walk?”
I nodded.
“Let’s go to the picnic tables with the roof. It’s starting to rain harder.”
When Cueball tugged on my arm, I held tight to my face, not wanting him to notice how upset I was. He would see everything in my eyes. My fears, my past, my broken mind. I had to hide it. No one could see how messed up I was. They would hate me, dismiss me, abandon me.
He tugged on me harder. “Up.” His voice demanded no argument from me, and I instantly responded. “I already know you’re crying, so stop trying to hide it. Get the fuck up so we don’t get drenched.”
A sharp pain in my back made me wince as I stood, quickly wiping my face with my jacket.
Oh, shit, please don’t be injured.
I couldn’t handle going to the hospital again. I was already balancing precariously on a thread.
“Do you need help walking?”
I shook my head.
Cueball walked toward the covered picnic tables, and I followed, limping slightly, but I’d be alright. Nothing was broken or bleeding.
He stood as tall as Ajax, maybe slightly taller.
He was built, too, like he could crush you with his bare hands.
Cueball definitely had an intimidating vibe, and he never smiled, but he had intelligence behind his amber eyes—amber like you see in museums that have ancient insects inside.
His pupils were the insects. His eyes were ancient—old before his years.
Suffering made eyes old, not happiness. Happiness kept you young. Pain aged you.
I felt one hundred years old today.
By the time we reached the tables, it started pouring, but I instantly stopped in my tracks when I noticed Blaze.
I should’ve known. Blaze and Cueball were always together.
They were pickles and peanut butter—an odd combination that worked.
He sat on the bench backward, leaning back with his elbows on the table, smoking and scrutinizing me.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he said.
I refused to go any closer, shivering from the rain soaking through my clothes. Cueball huffed and yanked me inside. “Shut up, Blaze,” he said. “Stop being a dick for five minutes.”
Blaze scowled at his friend. “What the fuck crawled up your ass, Cue?”
Cueball didn’t bother to respond and instead gave Blaze a death stare, shutting him up. Fuck, to have a power like that would be awesome. I could shut people up with a glare. No one would ever pick on me.
He tugged on me harder and forced me to sit on the bench. “Talk.”
I chewed on my lip ring and shook my head vigorously, raining water everywhere. At least it hid my tears.
“Speak. I’ve never seen you without a smile before. It’s weird. Talk. Now.”
I quickly glanced at Blaze, not sure I wanted to talk in front of him.
“Ignore Blaze,” Cueball said, as if reading my mind.
“Hey!”
Another hard stare from him shut Blaze up again before turning those ancient amber eyes on me.
My body shivered from the wetness and cold… and maybe a little fear as I held myself.
“Uhm, I just needed to get away from Nate for a bit… er, Nacho. He told someone my secrets, and I got upset.”
Cueball nodded thoughtfully. “Understandable.”
His single word boosted my confidence a bit, validating my feelings toward Nate. It didn’t take much for doubt to creep in, so having someone give it helped a lot.
“It’s just that some… really bad things happened to me when I was younger, and it fucked me up pretty bad.
It messed with my brain, and my brain doesn’t work so well, so people get frustrated with me.
I’m fake—all fake. My smiles aren’t real half the time.
Sometimes smiles hurt when I just want to scream.
But smiles help make people not want to hurt me when they get frustrated with me.
But Nate told Alpha what happened. I get that he’s frustrated.
He had to take a second job because I can’t keep money shit straight, and it makes him tired.
I don’t like him not at home. The change is hard, and I miss him.
I worry he’ll not come home one day. But I feel betrayed.
He promised never to tell anyone, but he did… ”
Cueball raised a hand, shutting me up. “Let me process this… We need to break this all down. So, something bad happened to you as a kid. What happened?”
I looked down at my worn Vans . I’d never told anyone else about what had happened to me except to Nate.
“It’s okay if you can’t talk about it.”
“Why are you being so nice?”
“What makes you think I’m not?”
I looked up at him, wide-eyed and with a burning face. “Ah… sorry. I don’t know. It's just a vibe, I guess.”
“He’s a fucking teddy bear,” Blaze added. “A teddy bear that bites, but still all snuggly and shit.”
Cueball’s face remained blank as he looked at his friend, but it also seemed like he said a lot with a look, though I wasn’t sure what.
“Do you really want to talk about teddy bears and snuggles? We can if you want. I bet Pippin here would love to know more about your fondness for the big, snuggly types.”
Blaze scowled and pointed a tattooed and ringed finger at Cueball. “Fuck. Off.”
I covered my mouth and sniggered. “I already know.”
For the first time, Cueball quirked a small smile, which lit up his entire face.
“That’s it! I’m fucking outta here!” Blaze stood and stomped out his cigarette.
Cueball pointed at him. “Sit. Down. We’re going to help our new friend here.”
Blaze huffed and sat down but didn’t argue. I was starting to believe that Blaze was more bark than bite.
“Do you want to tell me what happened to you or not?”
With a deep sigh, pulling out some bravery from my nearly empty well that held things like strength, courage, and confidence, I told him.
“My parents sent me to conversion therapy as a young teen. It… really fucked me up. They did all this…” I choked on my words.
It was so hard to say, and I wasn’t sure I could go into details.
“You don’t need to elaborate. I’m familiar with the practice, and I’m sorry. No one should ever suffer that.”
“Thanks… so, ah, when my parents wanted to send me back, I ran and ran until the police picked me up. I lied about my family, and they threw me into foster care. I met Nate a few years later. Our foster father hurt me. They always hurt me. I annoy them. My brain…”
“Say no more. I get it. Then what?”
With another deep sigh, my story got easier, not just because I was finally telling it again, but because Cueball didn’t judge. In fact, he understood and was good at keeping me on track, reminding me of a more serious version of Nate.
“The last time I got hurt, Nate took me away from there. He always protected me and took care of me. I’ve always loved him.
We lived on the streets for two years. It was hard.
So hard. So fucking cold all the time. But he took care of me, held me, and earned money to feed us.
He said it was better than me getting hurt by others and that he would eventually find us a home. It was so loud, though—”
“And how did you get off the streets?”
“Alpha. He helped us.”
Cueball nodded thoughtfully. “I like him. I can tell he’s a good man. So, you kept this all a secret because it hurts, right?”
“Yes, and people get frustrated with me.”
“I think you just need to be yourself and fuck the rest. Your friends will definitely still like you. But I see now how your Nate might need someone to talk to about this, not that telling your secret was right. Can you two talk to a therapist?”
My stomach bottomed out, and bile rose in my throat. “No, no, no… no doctors.”
“Ah, I get it. If you can’t talk to a doctor, I recommend you trust your friends. They will love you no matter what. I’ve come to know them pretty well, thanks to being friends with Stone. We’ve all had our share of pain, Pippin. You’re not alone, and you don’t need to suffer alone.”
“I didn’t… I had Nate.”
“And Nate feels alone, too, even having you in his life.”
My shoulders sagged. “I know.”
He was right. I put so much pressure on Nate, still…
“Do you think you can forgive him?”
I nodded. “Definitely. I love him, and I’ll never leave him.”
“Good, then you should tell him that.”
“Thank you, Cueball.”
Before he could respond, my phone in my pocket pinged from our group text with Alpha and our friends.
Johns Hopkins Hospital: We are reaching out to anyone who knows Nathaniel Lamont.
I couldn’t even read the rest of the message as the vertigo hit and the nausea rose.