27. Chapter 27
Nate was in the hospital because of me. He had to be.
I ran off, and he ran to find me. I had no idea if it happened that way for sure.
Maybe he only headed out to get groceries instead, which led to his accident.
While I was a mental fucking mess, I wasn’t stupid.
He had to have been looking for me. Why else would he have been out there in the rain?
I ran, and he chased after me. That had to be it.
God… and I couldn’t even visit him in the hospital.
I paced our living room, gnawing on my lip ring, twisting my hands together, wishing my feet would fucking move outside that door and go to the hospital. Nate needed me, and I wasn’t there for him.
Sweat gathered in my pits, forehead, and upper lip. My face flushed hot, making me dizzy. I swallowed the rising acidic bile.
“Just go. One step outside. Then another. And another. You go outside all the time.”
Right, but I did it, knowing I was headed to a safe space.
I pulled out my phone and texted Alpha for the hundredth time today.
Me: Is he okay still?
Alpha: Yes, Nacho is fine, Pip.
Me: Is he mad at me?
Alpha: He’s not mad at all. He understands why you can’t be here.
Me: I need to be, but…
Alpha: You don’t need to explain. It’s fine. Nacho will be home in two days.
Me: Okay
Two days would feel like two months without Nate. There would be no holding him in bed, no soothing from my nightmares, no kissing…
The sudden pounding door matched my pounding heart. I rushed to it and looked out the peephole to find Stix and Stone. I opened the door to let them in.
“Come on. We’re here to take you to visit Nacho,” Stix said, walking in and looking around the apartment. We didn’t have our friends over often, and I couldn’t remember the last time Stix had been here.
“I-I can’t.”
Stix frowned and threw his arms up in the air. “I don’t get it. He’s your best friend and now your boyfriend. You two claim you love each other, and you can’t see him? What the fuck, Pip?”
My breath came out in pants as my hands twisted inside each other. I backed away from Stix as if he’d snatch me away and make me go.
Stone rested a hand on Stix’s shoulder to calm him down. “Something’s off, baby. There’s clearly a reason Pippin isn’t visiting Nacho.”
Stix folded his arms and raised a brow at me. “Well? What’s wrong then?”
God, did I want to tell my story all over again?
It had been painful the first time, but it wasn’t as bad telling someone I didn’t know as well because I didn’t care if they liked me or not.
But Stix and Stone were different. That should’ve been a clear indicator that I needed to see a doctor and that I could talk to them since they were a stranger.
If only I could just push past my fear of them.
“It’s… a long story, but Stone’s right. There’s a reason.
I have… a phobia of doctors. The anxiety and panic skyrocket at the very thought of seeing one.
I can’t breathe… so much sweat. My heart hurts in my chest. I-I…
” I slumped on our old couch and ran my hands through my hair before gnawing on my thumbnail. “I want to be there for him so much…”
“Well… fuck,” Stix said, sitting next to me. “I had no idea.”
“No one does. It’s from some… past trauma.”
“Then how did you go to the hospital last time for stitches?”
“They had to sedate me.”
“Well shit. Why didn’t you say anything?” he asked.
I drew my knees up and wrapped my arms around them.
“I’m messed up… and I don’t want anyone to know how much.
My friends and family are all I have. What if you hate me?
Everyone hates me. People get so annoyed and frustrated all the time.
I have blanks in my memories… I don’t always think clearly… everything…”
“You’re fine. Right, Nico?” Stone said.
“Yeah, of course, you’re fine. We don’t get annoyed with you. We adore you.”
“That’s because you don’t know all of me. If you did…”
Stix rested a hand on my shoulder. “If we did, nothing would change. Dude, we’re all fucked up.”
Stone sat next to Stix on the sofa and pulled him close. “I used to say the same thing about myself, Pippin. Nico here was the one who saw beyond my broken walls and accepted me. I never felt I deserved it, and I had been such a fucking asshole to him, yet he gave me a chance, anyway.”
I looked up at his hazel eyes and dark hair spilling in his face, hair he used to keep short but had grown out since. “Yeah?”
“Yep. I can talk about my past now because I’ve been in group therapy, but my parents used to abuse me.
They were homophobic, too, and took it out on me when they caught me kissing a boy once, but honestly, they’ve always been abusive shits.
It really fucked me up, Pip. Nico has really helped with his patience and understanding. ”
I thought about what he’d said and nodded. “I’m so sorry you went through that. I… really understand it. Was… therapy scary?”
Stix kissed Stone’s cheek, looking at him as if Stone held the stars up in the sky.
“Yeah, it really was, but Nico was there with me every step of the way, and it helped a lot.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. If Stone could do it, I could, too, right? Maybe. I needed to do fucking something. Changes needed to be made.
“Will you help me get to the hospital?”
The very idea made the nausea roll around and burn a hole in my stomach, but I needed to do this for Nate. He deserved so much more, but I had to at least try.
“Are you sure?” Stix asked.
I nodded. “I want to try.”
Stone leaned over to look at me. “Let me ask you this… Did they hurt you in a hospital or something? Like a hospital where Nate is?”
I shook my head. “No, just when I got stitches, but it was… okay.”
“So, it was just the doctors?”
“Yeah… And the nurses.”
Stix nodded with thoughtful dark eyes, eyes like Nate’s. They were chocolate brown, deep, and intelligent—eyes I needed to see again, to know if Nate was really okay, like Alpha had said. He needed me to be strong.
Choke back the fear for my North Star .
“Hmm… Maybe if you realize you aren’t going to be there to visit a doctor personally. You’re just walking into a building and straight to Nate’s room. That’s it. We can stand guard outside the door and ask the doctors and nurses to stay away for a while,” Stix suggested.
Sometimes my anxiety and panic became so overwhelming that rational thought would leave me drowning in fear, doubts, and insecurity. I often felt like a failure, especially so since I couldn’t be there for Nate. I needed him. He needed me. Could I do this? Maybe.
Stix stood, and Stone followed.
“Use your earbuds with some chill music or something. Would that help?” Stix asked.
I nodded. “Yeah, I think so.”
Wiping my clammy and trembling hands on my sweats, I stood and grabbed my jacket, earbuds, charging case, and phone.
“I know it sounds… pathetic, but will you stay by my side?” I asked them.
Stix wrapped a thin arm around my shoulders. “It’s not pathetic. Of course, we’ll stay with you.”
Stone nodded in agreement.
I can do this. I can do this for Nate .
All three of us hopped on a bus that took us to the hospital, riding in silence. My brain swirled with anxiety, struggling not to go into full panic mode. I wouldn’t do Nate any good if I couldn’t cope. I needed to do better.
First step .
The bus ride was my step one. I got on, sat down, and rode to the hospital. I was still okay. The lo-fi beats I listened to helped a little to keep me calm and focused.
Instead of letting my anxiety take over, I closed my eyes and slowly counted backward from one thousand, hyper-focused on each number in my head.
Before I reached four hundred and eighty-one, someone shook my shoulder.
My eyes popped open to Stix mouthing something to me, so I tapped an earbud to turn off the sound-canceling.
“We’re here,” he said. “Ready?”
“Okay.”
Second step .
Get off the bus and walk to the hospital building. That was all I had to do. My next goal was to reach the building without letting my anxiety take over.
The day warmed up with the sun shining, lighting away the city gloom. Trees sprouted fresh leaves and blossoms—renewal, beauty, all things positive. But my legs grew heavy and slow, and it was hard to reach my destination despite the uplifting day.
A warm hand grasped mine. I looked down at Stix’s hand, comforting and calloused, holding mine. Nate held my hand a lot, tethering me to the present and keeping me from slipping away.
We stepped up to the sliding doors and paused.
No, my feet were cemented to the sidewalk.
I had the usual bodily reactions from my fear, but it didn’t incapacitate me.
Not yet, anyway. The building just looked ordinary.
The facility I’d been in as a kid looked like an old mansion or those old spooky asylums from horror movies.
At least, in my mind, it looked that way.
Maybe it had been like every other building with just bricks and windows, and my overactive imagination made it into a monstrosity like how my dreams made the staff into demons with poisonous teeth and burnt skin.
It didn’t look anything like Johns Hopkins did.
A squeeze on my shoulder forced me to take a step through the doors. Step two is accomplished .
Third step .
Step three came next, and it was the biggest step of all. I had to walk through the halls of unfamiliar sights and smells. It smelled clean yet sick, with hints of stale coffee and food. My earbuds made me nearly deaf to any hospital noises. It helped.