28. Chapter 28
After my hospital visit to see Nate, he refused to let me come back, not wanting me to be more stressed out.
He explained he’d be home in a couple of days, anyway.
It didn’t matter. It stressed me out when I couldn’t visit him, and it stressed me out when I had to.
Either way, until Nate came home and back in my arms, I wouldn’t be happy.
Because Alpha was the only one of us who owned a car, he picked up Nate two days later, and I rode with him, but I didn’t go inside the hospital this time. Instead, I stood outside, smoking a cigarette, pacing and chewing on a fingernail as I waited.
It felt like forever by the time they came out with a nurse pushing Nate in a wheelchair as Alpha rushed to the parked car out front to open the door since I just stood there, frozen at the sight of the nurse.
Alpha rushed back to the nurse and took control of Nate’s wheelchair.
“Help me get Nacho in the car, Pip.”
As soon as she left, I put out my cigarette and leaned down to kiss Nate. “Thank fuck, you’re coming home.”
“I’ve missed you, too, Sam.”
Once we got back to our apartment building, Alpha helped me get Nate upstairs, which was slow-going because Nate had to use crutches, and he had to protect his head and wrist. My Star was a mess.
We finally made it and got Nate into his own bed, already exhausted. I sat on the edge, holding his hand and watching him fall asleep.
A gentle tapping on Nate’s door yanked my attention away.
“Can we talk?”
I nodded and reluctantly left Nate’s side and shut his door behind me.
“Listen, Pip… It’s your job now to take care of Nate.”
“Yeah, I know.”
Of course, I understood that. Nate needed help. He needed me. I could do that.
“I’m going to run and get you all some groceries and pick up Nacho’s meds from the pharmacy.
But after I’m gone, you’re going to have to take up the slack.
He needs to stay in bed. If he gets up, he has to take it slow.
No TV. No phones, at least for the next few days, then ease into the screen time.
He’s going to be bored, so maybe you can read to him, or you two can play cards or something not overly stimulating… ”
Did we have cards? I could buy some if we didn’t.
Where did they sell cards? I’d have to look around the apartment first, not wanting to spend unnecessary money.
Plus, I didn’t want to leave Nate’s side for so long.
Did I even know any card games? I bet Nate did.
I wasn’t sure we even played cards before.
Were there other games we could play? I sucked at games and always had been.
I never remembered the rules. Maybe as a kid, I liked them, but I couldn’t remember.
“Pippin?”
“What?”
“Did you hear what I said?”
“Uhm, you want us to play cards.”
Alpha smiled patiently, but I knew I said something wrong. I missed what he’d said. Shit, how could I make sure Nate was okay if I didn’t listen?
“Yes, cards are fine, but Nacho needs his medicine. The instructions will be on the pill bottles. He has a pain reliever for his broken leg and wrist sprain, but he’s going to have headaches. I’m going to grab some over-the-counter migraine meds.”
“Okay.”
“I’ll write everything down.”
“Sure.”
“And you need to make sure you both are fed. Nothing heavy. He also needs plenty of water.”
“Got it.”
“I’ll be back in about an hour with some food and his meds. And after I leave, you can call any of us if you need help, okay?”
“I will.”
When Alpha walked away, a knot formed in my stomach. Could I remember all that? I wasn’t a caregiver. That was all Nate. He did everything. Almost everything. While he was gone at the hospital or work, sometimes I’d even forget to eat. But I had to do this for Nate.
As he slept, I sat at the kitchen table with a pen and my notebook and jotted down all that I needed to remember from what Alpha had said. Afterward, I made little sticky notes. When he returned, I’d ask him if I got everything right in my notes.
I had to do this. Nate needed me.
In the first week, Nate slept a lot and would wake up only to eat or go to the bathroom.
The dizziness and headaches hit him a lot, so remembering to give him his meds wasn’t hard.
By the second week, he was up and about more, and we eased him into watching some TV if his head wasn’t hurting too much.
Getting him in the shower had been difficult with his broken leg, sprained wrist, and head issues, so it’d been easier for me to shower with him. I had no idea I could cover up his cast, but he did. He knew everything. He remembered everything, but I think I did pretty good helping him.
I ended up loving to wash his hair, running my fingers along his scalp, careful of the swelling still present on the back of his head. There was hair missing there from when the hospital staff shaved it, but it was growing back.
When I got him dry and in bed, he’d smell like his familiar lime, coconut, and all things Nate. I would lay next to him and inhale him all night.
I slept very little, keeping a close eye on him to make sure I didn’t miss anything. My thoughts were all over the place and disorganized, but if I lay next to him and curled my fingers in his hair, I focused a little better.
We’d just finished dinner, and Nate fell asleep again.
I lay in bed next to him, gently dragging my fingers across his forehead and through his curls.
They were getting long. He needed a haircut, but I liked them.
Nate hated them in his face all the time, but he kept some length for me and my need to be soothed.
Maybe when he felt better, I would take him to the barber.
I loved his lashes. They were thick, fanning out on his face. His eyes fluttered from a dream, and his full lips were slightly parted. He was so beautiful, at least to me—as perfect as a star should be.
Those dark eyes of his blinked open, catching me staring. He smiled, not caring that I was being creepy. “Hey.”
“Hey.”
“Did I sleep long?”
“Nah, only for about thirty minutes.”
“You need sleep, Sam. I’m always tired still, but it’s getting better.”
“It’s fine. You should sleep. Sleep heals.”
He huffed a laugh and snuggled in closer. I wrapped an arm around him and kissed his head. “This sucks. I miss fooling around with you.”
“Your wellness is more important.”
“I’ll be fine. Just laying here is boring.”
I suddenly thought of cards. I’d bought several packs, just in case. “We can play a card game.”
He chuckled. “I don’t know any card games, except like Go Fish .”
“Have I ever played that?”
“Maybe when you were a kid. It’s a child’s game. I played it when I was little with my foster siblings.”
Nate rolled over onto his side and faced me, ran a hand through my hair, then trailed his fingers down my face. I loved his touch. It was everything. It was love, home, consistency, and stability.
“Foster care sucked for the most part, but sometimes the kids could be fun and nice. We’d go to the park or play board games and video games.
Every once in a while, I almost felt like a normal boy with a loving family.
Strangely, the hardest homes had been the ones where the foster parents were the nicest to me, giving me a comforting home and good food.
Those were the ones I tried my best to be a good boy and to get them to love me. I wanted to stay so much.”
I furrowed my brows, not understanding. Good food and a nice home were way better than what we had left. Wasn’t abuse worse? “Why?”
“Because I couldn’t stay. When I had to go to a new home, I felt like I was being ripped away from them. I’d have to remind myself that they didn’t want me. No one ever did. Eventually, I stopped hoping. My expectations sat at an all-time low.”
“I want you,” I said, hoping my words made him feel better.
“It’s why I love you and need you so much. You’re the only one who’s ever wanted me.”
“Same. No one has ever wanted me but you. My parents may have wanted me once, but not the way I was. They wanted to shape me and mold me into something unrecognizable. But you want me, too, right? As I am?”
He smiled and kissed my lips. “Always as you are. I love how you are.”
“Nate… do you ever want to learn about your parents to find out why you ended up in foster care?”
He sighed and rolled onto his back, staring at the ceiling.
“For the longest time, I was angry that they abandoned me without a reason or a word. Maybe they had a reason, but I never found out what it was, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.
Being constantly abandoned takes its toll.
It’s better to harden yourself to the loss.
It was the only way to get through foster care. ”
“I don’t understand. You’re not hard at all. You’re kind, and good, and patient.”
Nate rolled his head to the side to smile at me. “Only for you and our friends. Fuck everyone else.”
“I don’t believe that.” Not for one second . Nate wasn’t hateful at all. He didn’t have the hard edges like Stone, Ajax, or Cueball. My star was soft, tender, and sweet. He was filled with all the good one person could have.
“Honestly, now that you’ve asked, I’m wondering if I should. I’m not in foster care anymore, and I’m not alone anymore, but I’m still not sure I want to know their reasons.”
I rested my head on his shoulder and reached across him to snag on a curl, twirling it in my fingers. “Why?”
“What if…”
“What if what?”
He breathed out a long sigh. “What if they have another family with other kids they want and just didn’t want me at all? That would be the worst, I think.”
I could imagine. My own parents were horrible, and I really hoped they didn’t have more kids after me.
As I grew up in foster care, I never once wanted to go back to them, no matter how bad it had gotten.
It was still better than conversion therapy.
Hell, Nate and I survived the streets, which was better than that. All that fear was too much.
“Do you wonder about your parents?” he asked, as if reading my mind.
“No. I don’t care about them.”
“Good. Abusers do not deserve our love or regrets. Their failings are not our fault.”
“Thank you for that.”
“I know how you are, Sam, always internalizing everyone else’s issues.”
I loved how Nate gave me validation. “If you ever want to find your parents, I’ll go with you and help you.”
“Thank you, baby. I love you for that. And thank you for taking care of me. You’ve been fucking amazing.”
I rolled over onto my back and rubbed my face.
“God, I’ve been fucking up so much. I forget things all the time.
The apartment was getting really messy, so I’d start to clean it before I came across something interesting, distracting me.
Then I’d forget to finish cleaning. I also forgot to go grocery shopping once and only remembered when I realized I hadn’t fed you… I’m just a mess.”
“Stop it. You’ve been the best.”
“Only because I had to get help. But Alpha set me up with this cool app that helps me keep track of tasks and has alarms. It’s helped. I’ve been writing tons of notes, too. The apartment is covered in them.”
His smile was broad. “Killing trees one note at a time, eh?”
I snorted a laugh. “You could say that.”
“Hey, whatever works for you, Sam. I’m just telling you what I see on my end. I don’t see you struggling, but helping me when I’m at my worst. I’m going to say it again. You’re fucking amazing, baby, and there’s nothing wrong with asking for help.”
I didn’t feel amazing, and I rarely saw what Nate saw in me, but he wouldn’t lie to me either.
“I’ll take your word for it.”
“Good, that’s all I ask. Trust me.”