Chapter 12 #2
I dried my face on a towel and glimpsed at myself in the mirror again.
In moments like this, I didn’t like what I saw.
Lust and desire battled with my reason and the knowledge that it was all pointless.
The back-and-forth in my head made me dizzy, and I cursed myself for not recognizing the situation earlier and walking away.
“Dominic? Please,” Kilian begged from the other side of the door.
The worst part wasn’t feeling like a failure because I couldn’t keep it up—it was feeling like an addict, tempted to reach out to one of my old contacts to get something that might help me hold an erection.
I quickly shoved that thought aside and rubbed my cheeks.
I needed to distract myself, even if that meant facing Kilian. So I opened the door.
Kilian was leaning against the doorframe and glanced up as I appeared. He was dressed, wearing a black T-shirt and boxers, and he seemed genuinely concerned as he offered a shy smile.
“Will you forgive me?” he asked.
“What are you talking about?” I creased my forehead, confused. “I …” But I couldn’t find the words to explain that he wasn’t at fault at all. Besides, it wasn’t even about breaking my resolution again—somehow … by doing nothing.
Kilian reached out and brushed his thumb across my cheek. I froze. Had he seen my tears?
“You ruined my orgasm,” he said, his tone gentle. “I can’t enjoy it when you look at me like someone’s ripping your heart out at the moment I finish.”
“I wasn’t looking at you like that …”
Kilian stepped closer and silenced me with a kiss. The tension drained from my muscles, and the dizziness faded.
“Come on, I’ll make us some coffee. And if not dicks … do you at least like eggs?”
With just those few words, he had me laughing again. “You’re impossible,” I said, following him to the kitchen.
“Sit.” He pointed to the dining table before opening the fridge. “How about an omelet? I’ve got bread, too.”
“You don’t have to go through the trouble.”
“It’s no trouble.”
As he bustled around the kitchen, bringing me a coffee and making an omelet, I flipped through a book about architecture and enjoyed the view of the forest through the window.
“Aren’t there pills for something like this?” Kilian asked as we ate together. “I mean, I saw your desire. You were really turned on.”
With a sigh, I remembered one of my first doctors prescribing me blue pills after my withdrawal. But I couldn’t handle them. Deep down, I knew the problem went beyond a quick fix and wouldn’t be solved with a little pill.
“I’m seeing an andrologist and doing therapy,” I admitted cautiously, even though I didn’t expect Kilian to mock me for it.
“And how’s it going?” he asked, his eyes steady, a hint of warmth in his voice.
“Slowly.”
“I saw the bulge in your pants,” Kilian said with a wink. “Wasn’t that progress?”
“Getting a morning boner is progress, sure. But holding onto it … I’m still far from that.”
“I could help you practice,” he said. “Believe me, no one’s happier to see your erection than I am. Well, maybe you, but I’m definitely close.”
I struggled not to show my amusement. “Can we talk about something else?”
Kilian studied me for a moment, then finished his coffee and set the cup beside his empty plate. “What are we doing today?”
“Do you have the day off?” I asked, surprised.
“The show doesn’t start until seven. We’ve got all the time in the world.”
“I can’t.”
“You sound like a broken record.”
“No, you don’t understand. I have a packed schedule.”
Kilian paused, raising his eyebrows. “Is that some kind of code word for something?”
“Planned activities,” I explained. “They’re supposed to help me bring structure to my life.
” As soon as the words left my mouth, I bit my tongue and cursed myself for saying them out loud.
Before Kilian could latch onto the thought, I quickly continued.
“They’re part of my therapy, along with changing my diet, meditating, and doing muscle training—pelvic floor exercises and such. ”
“You meditate?”
“I try to,” I said, finishing the last of my coffee. Somehow, I felt uneasy, as if I were withholding something from Kilian, not disclosing the full truth to him.
“And the diet changes?” he pressed. “I make delicious burgers, but if you’re going to sit there with an untouched plate and tell me you can’t eat burgers … you have no idea what kind of dark hole that would send me into.”
I smiled. “A burger every now and then shouldn’t be a problem.”
“Thank goodness,” he said, visibly relieved. “So, what’s on your activity plan for today?”
“I’m meeting Nico at the botanical garden at two-thirty.”
“That’s the blond guy with the tied-back hair, right? He was at the exhibition, wasn’t he?”
“Yeah, my roommate.”
“Can I come along?”
Caught off guard, I glanced up just in time to see Kilian smile.
He had a way of making it impossible to say no.
Besides, I wanted him to come so he could meet Nico and spend the day with us.
Nico would probably grill me about it afterward, but I didn’t care.
Kilian had proven over the past few days that he genuinely cared about me and took my erectile dysfunction seriously—in his own way. And I liked his way.
“You don’t want me to come, do you?” Kilian said, not even trying to hide the disappointment in his voice.
I exhaled and offered him a small smile. “You won’t believe this, but actually, I’d really like you to come along.”
When I saw how his eyes lit up at my words, it warmed my heart.
“I’ll have to warn Nico, though.”
“Of course,” Kilian said, feigning benevolence. “It’s only fair to let him know you’re bringing your new guy along.”
“My coworker,” I corrected him.
Grinning broadly, Kilian started clearing the dishes while I went to find my phone.
“I’m bringing someone with me,” I texted Nico.
“Oh! Is it the person you’ve been so secretive about? I can’t wait!”
“Don’t make a big deal out of it, okay? It’s just a coworker.”
“One you apparently stayed the night with,” he replied. “I know because I was home this morning. And you weren’t. ;)”
I rolled my eyes, instantly knowing this was a terrible idea. But then another message from Nico popped up.
“That works out well. Hector’s coming too. He doesn’t have to watch his kids today.”
I was glad Corvo was joining us. I got along well with him, and ever since the last poker tournament—where he’d been so distracted by Nico that he fell for my bluffs—I liked him even more.