Chapter 29 - Dominic
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Dominic
When I woke up, Kilian was half-lying on top of me, nibbling on my earlobe and massaging my hard-on. Through the gap in the curtains, I could see that dawn had broken. As I groggily rubbed my eyes, I realized this wasn’t just a regular morning erection.
“What are you doing?” I asked with a smile.
“Nothing,” he mumbled, pressing his hips against my thigh. “See?”
To my surprise, he wasn’t hard at all. Yet, our lips met in a deep, tender kiss, and I melted into his warmth. I licked his lower lip, bit it gently, and stretched the soft skin.
Kilian kept kneading my cock, but I couldn’t ignore how sluggish his movements were. I searched his face, but he didn’t even open his eyes.
“You don’t have to do this,” I said softly.
“If I weren’t so wrecked,” he murmured, still not opening his eyes, “I’d fuck you right now. So hard. All day long, babe.”
I propped myself up on one arm as I admired his face. “It’s nice to hear that.”
“What? That I’d fuck you? How pathetic of me that I can’t even get it up this morning.”
“No,” I said. “That you called me babe.”
At last, Kilian opened his eyes. They weren’t as lifeless as they had been yesterday, but even as a faint smile spread across his lips, I could see the exhaustion and weariness he was trying to hide.
“I never wanted to hurt you,” he said quietly. “Never. But after that asshole Livio showed up and you …”
“I lost control,” I admitted, and Kilian gave a slight nod.
“So did I.” He bit his bottom lip and sniffed. “You were there with that other guy, and …”
“I didn’t take anything,” I said, looking straight into his eyes. “You have to believe me. I wanted to try going without. The only thing I took was Viagra. But it didn’t work. I couldn’t get hard.”
Ashamed, I sat up cross-legged and shrugged. “It was just … I wanted to sink into the ground from embarrassment when you walked in. I was so damn humiliated. But it also did me some good. It opened my eyes.”
“To what?”
“You’re the one who turns me on. Only you.”
Kilian still lay there, barely moving.
“I get it if you don’t believe me,” I said. “But it’s like I—”
“I thought when you took Viagra, you had a hard-on for six straight hours.”
“Uh …” I hesitated. “No … You still have to be aroused. Otherwise, nothing happens.”
Kilian squinted, then stared up at the ceiling, taking a deep breath. He still had dark circles under his eyes, but at least there was some color in his face again.
“I don’t remember everything that happened,” he confessed regretfully. “But you were rock-hard when I fucked you. And you even came twice.”
My mouth dropped open, and I had no idea how to respond. When a mischievous grin spread across Kilian’s face, my jaw dropped even farther.
“I told you it was super embarrassing for me!” I exclaimed, tickling his stomach.
He grabbed me, laughing, and pulled me on top of him. “It was so hot, babe. I wanted to fuck you all night, but … I messed up.”
I was so close to him that I could see the gray flecks in his almost-black eyes. He had the most mesmerizing eyes I’d ever seen, and it hurt to see him like this—so fragile and drained.
“It wasn’t all your fault,” I said.
Kilian shook his head. “I know what drugs do to me. And yet I still did a line.”
“Why?”
“I was already riding that high when we left the wedding party. That feeling I get … I feel like a superhero. Indestructible. Unbreakable. Immortal.”
“What happened on Saturday?” I asked, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear.
“It was like I was on an LSD trip. Everything felt so … perfect. I was free and weightless.”
“Yael said you two argued Saturday morning.”
“I don’t remember that. I barely remember anything. On Monday night, it hit me that I should’ve come down from the high by then. Four days max—that’s how it’s always been for me. But I didn’t come down. It must’ve been the damn cocaine.”
“How do you feel now?”
“I …” Kilian’s face grew serious, so I slid off him. He sat up too, stroking his chin. “My body is paralyzed, but in my head, the damn party’s still going.”
“Yael said we should head out soon to take advantage of the sleeping pills’ lingering effects.”
“She’s right, unfortunately. Otherwise, I’ll end up doing something stupid that gets us off the road. I’m no good, Dominic. You were right to act the way you did when you first saw me at Red.”
“I was cold and distant.”
“Yeah.”
“But I cared about you from the first night. And since you’re the only one who can get me hard, you’re not getting rid of me anytime soon.”
Kilian frowned, gazing at me with a hint of confusion. I gently placed my hand on his neck and kissed him.
“You’ve turned my world upside down,” I murmured against his lips and kissed him again. “Literally, not just figuratively. After Gian, I was so messed up, I couldn’t tell up from down.”
“Who’s Gian?” Kilian’s voice was sharp and demanding. “Did he hurt you? I’ll kill him.”
“He … took his own life.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. See? I say shit like that and … Fuck!”
“You’re not wrong. He did hurt me.” I drifted into my thoughts for a moment, picturing the gleaming white ceramic floor and the wooden stool.
“We had a threesome at his place before it happened. He was … I don’t know …
my boyfriend? No, not my boyfriend, but my head was so screwed up.
Anyway, he got me into the whole chemsex scene.
And then he just killed himself while Mike and I were in the shower.
” I shook my head, still in disbelief. “Fuck … It was humiliating, having to clean up first to protect his reputation. To make it look like we’d just stumbled in and found him like that. It drove me insane.”
“I’m sorry,” Kilian said softly, resting his hand on my thigh. “No one should have to go through that.”
“Something good came out of it.” I took his hand and studied his graceful fingers.
“I got out. Maybe just in time. I don’t know.
But I haven’t had sex since January. After detox, I realized I couldn’t get it up anymore.
At first, I didn’t want to believe it. I mean …
It never happened before. But I wasn’t surprised either.
So, I met up with an ex-girlfriend. An awkward night, but also very revealing. ”
“And that’s when you decided to play monk?”
“It felt good to focus on everything else for once. Our society is so hypersexualized. By choosing to cut out sex completely, I managed to silence the noise. It shifted something in my mind. Giving myself permission not to think about sex took so much pressure off me. Then you showed up.”
Kilian’s eyes sparkled with joy. “And all your good intentions went down the drain,” he joked.
“Pretty much,” I admitted. “But I’m glad. You were a pest, an infuriating pain, but you’ve become so important to me. I don’t want to be without you, Kilian. Only with you.”
The joy vanished from Kilian’s face, replaced by a shadow of sadness. “I want that too,” he said somberly. “But I don’t know if it’s possible.”
“Of course it’s possible. We’ll make it possible. Somehow.”
Kilian forced a smile, then he let his head drop, sighing.
“In my head, I’m screaming, ‘Yes! Hell yes! Let’s hop on a bike and ride to the sea!
’ But my body’s crying and begging for rest. My mind’s like a rollercoaster, drowning in life’s chaos.
Every breath is like a drug until the other side takes over, and I fall back into the darkness.
I don’t think I’ll ever manage to live a normal life, to find balance or peace. ”
“I don’t want ‘balanced.’ I want you. With all your edges, highs, and lows.”
“I won’t always be happy or fun.”
“I’ve already seen you at your lowest. And when you’re angry, it turns me on. What more do you want?”
His tired, sorrowful smile broke my heart and awakened my protective instincts. I moved closer and wrapped him in my arms. Kilian curled up, hugging his knees to his chest and resting his head on my shoulder. I held him tightly, nuzzling against him and inhaling his familiar scent.
“What’ll happen when I drop you off at your parents’ house?”
“They’ll take me to a clinic,” he murmured against my chest.
“Are you okay with that?”
“In three or four hours, I probably won’t be. I’ve slept, and my body and mind will be ready for action again.”
“Then we should probably get going.”
Kilian lifted his head and regarded me with suspicion. “What do you mean by ‘when you drop me off at my parents’ place’?”
“I’m driving.”
“You ride motorcycles?”
“It’s been a while, but I used to have a Yamaha.”
“Well, well. Now I love you even more.”
I smirked, brushing a dark strand of hair from his face. “You love me?”
“Of course!” he exclaimed. “Why do you think I lost it when I saw you with Livio and then naked with that other asshole?”
I pressed Kilian back into the pillow with a kiss. He wrapped his arms around me and slid his tongue into my mouth. I couldn’t get enough of him and pulled away only reluctantly.
“We should go and save this for another time.”
Kilian refused to hear anything about it and affectionately twisted my nipple. I couldn’t believe it when my cock came back to life.
“Fuck!” I groaned, tearing myself away from Kilian and standing up. “Not fair! You have no idea how badly I want to fuck you right now.”
“Me?” he laughed, sitting on the edge of the bed.
“Yeah, I was always a Top before, but since Red …”
“Since I showed you the back door?”
His suggestive grin was irresistible, so I cupped his face in my hands and silenced him with another kiss. “We’ll table this discussion for later. Get dressed. I brought you some fresh clothes.”
“Ha! My babe even gets hard just talking about it!”
I threw the clothes into his lap and went to brush my teeth.
Kilian wasn’t moving particularly fast, and it took almost twenty minutes before we left the room. We grabbed some food from the breakfast buffet to take with us, checked out, and left the hotel.
“Where did you park?”
With a croissant in his mouth, Kilian pulled out his phone. “No idea, but I’ve got an AirTag on it.”
“Do you lose it often?”
He gestured down the street and started walking. “Once, I ended up at the Paléo Festival in Nyon with a group of strangers. Turns out, we met in Basel, and they just took me along to the festival.”
“You left the bike in Basel?”
“Nope. It was in Interlaken. Took three weeks for the police to call me. Ever since then, I’ve kept an AirTag in the case.”
I didn’t know what to say to that, realizing this was likely just one of many wild stories I’d hear from him. Instead, I was glad he had a family who clearly loved and cared for him so far.
“Now that’s a badass machine,” I said when we reached the enormous parking lot and spotted his black Ninja.
I walked around the bike, admiring it from every angle. When I came back to Kilian, I couldn’t miss the satisfied smile on his face, though he appeared a bit strained as he opened the case and retrieved another helmet.
“I hope it fits you. Want to take a test ride?”
“Probably a good idea,” I laughed, climbing onto the bike.
“Why don’t you ride anymore?” he asked as I put the helmet on.
“My bike was old and second-hand. I ran it into the ground. After that, I had other things on my mind.”
Kilian gave me a quick rundown of the bike’s controls, and I took a test lap around the parking lot. Before we left, I sent Yael a message. She had already shared the address where I was supposed to take Kilian.
Feeling him pressed against my back, his arms enclosed around me, was almost more rewarding than riding this incredible bike. It felt like the payoff for everything I’d been struggling with in the past weeks, and I savored every second.