Chapter 30 - Kilian
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Kilian
The ride unfortunately didn’t end as Dominic probably had hoped. Just before we reached my parents’ house, ideas started racing through my mind.
“Let’s go to St. Gallen,” I said to Dominic, who could hear me over the radio.
He turned to me with a quizzical glance. I wasn’t sure if he noticed my grin, but he ignored me.
The forced calm had done my body good, as I could literally feel it coming back to life. Being so close to Dominic made something stir in my pants, and I began to rub against him. When I moved my hand in his lap, he guided it back to his stomach, where he thought it belonged.
I knew our destination, but the closer we got to my parents’ house, the more restless I became. “Let’s just go to your place,” I said, slipping my hand under his jacket.
Unfazed, Dominic kept driving.
I played with his nipple, feeling myself getting harder. “Come on, then I can fuck you. Just like you like it.”
“No.”
“All right, then here,” I replied, slipping my hand into his pants.
“Stop it, Kil!” He swung my hand away again.
It wasn’t until he stopped at a red light that I realized we were only two streets away from my parents’ house.
“Please! I’m fine!” I reassured him. “My parents have a tendency to overreact.”
“I promised your sister I’d drop you off there.”
“Am I a package?” My blood was boiling, and I pulled away from Dominic. “Get off. I’ll drive the rest of the way alone.”
“What?”
I was about to get off when he sped up. “Hey! What the hell! Are you trying to run me over?”
Dominic shook his head, which only made me angrier. I considered jumping off, which wouldn’t have been hard. Dominic would be fine. But then he might disappear with my motorcycle, leaving me behind.
Before I knew it, Dominic turned into the driveway and stopped in front of my parents’ house.
“Are you serious?” he snapped as he unfastened his helmet. “You could’ve killed us.”
“What?” I didn’t understand what he was talking about. “What did I do?”
“Were you trying to jump off while we were still driving?”
Oh, so it wasn’t just a thought?
“First you run into the street at the gas station, and now this!” He kept complaining. “Jesus, man!”
Dominic was clearly on edge, and I wasn’t sure what was going on inside him. He looked scared and anxious. But why? Was it because of me?
The door opened, and my sister came out, followed by my parents.
“Kilian!” Yael called, throwing her arms around me.
“Let me go.” Annoyed, I shoved her away and held my hand out to Dominic. “Give me the key.”
“No.” He shook his head, giving me a pleading look that drove me insane.
“Dominic,” I growled.
He took a step back and lowered his head in apology. Instead of igniting my anger, that gesture triggered my panic, as I realized what was about to happen next.
“Kilian, come,” my father said. “We’ve prepared everything. I’ll drive you to the clinic.”
“No,” I said, my voice trembling. “I’m fine! I don’t need to go.”
“It’s for your own good.” My mother’s voice was so gentle, as if I were a little child.
I turned to Dominic for help, but he stood there like a traitor.
“You knew. You knew what would happen if you dropped me off here,” I accused him. “And you still did it!”
As I lunged at him, my father grabbed me from behind and dragged me away. Dominic’s pained expression tore my heart apart. “No! You can’t let this happen! I don’t want to go! This is coercion! You can’t do this!”
“I’m not letting you get violent,” my father said. “Or do you want to be taken away by the police?”
My heart was racing. A siren screamed in my head. Get out of here! With every fiber of my being, I knew I had to get out. The time on Valium was already a distant fog, and I was so wired that I broke free from my father and paced nervously.
“Please, Kilian,” Dominic pleaded, coming closer. “Let us help you. And when you feel better …”
“I’m fine!” I snapped at him. “I don’t need help.”
Dominic’s eyes turned glassy, which infuriated me. When Yael placed a comforting hand on his arm, I lost control.
“Keep your hands off him!” I yelled, charging toward her.
Yael didn’t react quickly enough and screamed when I ripped her hand away from Dominic and shoved her so hard that she stumbled backward. Dominic caught her just in time, preventing her from falling.
Seeing that made me hesitate for a moment. Dominic caught my sister, as if she were his damn bride! I felt betrayed and didn’t understand anything anymore.
My father placed a hand on my shoulder from behind. “Please, Kilian. Don’t make this worse than it already is. Everything will be okay, but let us help you.”
I don’t know what made me get into the car. It must have had something to do with Dominic.
The tears in his eyes?
Or maybe the pleading look?
I just couldn’t take his presence anymore.
My feelings for him were too strong for me to think clearly.
The past years had taught me that whenever I became violent, it meant I had hit rock bottom.
A storm of thoughts raged in my mind, making it impossible to think straight.
The fact that I had attacked my sister was something my mind couldn’t ignore.
I sat silently in the passenger seat, saying nothing as my father drove me to the clinic. He spoke to me, but I didn’t hear what he said. I was surrounded by a dark fog that prevented me from connecting with the outside world.
Following that intense high, it was no surprise that I soon fell into a deep depression. It felt as though no blood flowed through my veins—only black ink. My body felt like a lump of lead, and I sank into depths I hadn’t experienced in a long time.
The weight of the world crammed down on me from all sides. I could barely breathe, let alone eat. For the first five days, I was considered suicidal, and my doctor threatened to feed me artificially, though all I wanted was to sleep through the depression.
I took medication that didn’t work at first. When the dose was adjusted, I felt nauseous for two days and had terrible headaches, which only worsened the depressive phase.
A week had passed before I started feeling better, like a worn-out bear emerging from hibernation. I could eat again and complained about having to use plastic utensils.
It took a few more days until I regained some strength, overcame the apathy, and didn’t feel like a zombie anymore. In my sessions with my therapist, I gradually reconnected with myself.
I spent two weeks at the clinic, cut off from the rest of the world, without a phone or computer.
On Tuesday morning, my father came to pick me up and took me home.
“I’m sorry,” I said as I peered out the window, watching the city pass by.
“I’m just glad you’re doing better. That’s all that matters.”
“I yelled at you guys.”
“Yeah, it wasn’t fun,” he smiled, turning right at the intersection. “But you did say you had everything under control.”
“Clearly, I didn’t.”
“It’s good you’re back on the meds. That puts my mind at ease—and your mom’s too.”
“I just want to get back to everyday life. This whole thing was a mess.”
My father parked in the visitor lot in front of my house, and I was taken aback when I saw my motorcycle there.
“How did this get here?”
“As far as I know, Dominic parked it. He said he’d throw the key in the mailbox.”
I could barely recall how Dominic had picked me up in Engelberg.
Did I even say goodbye to him?
“Yael took care of the mail while you were gone,” my father said as we stood in front of the mailbox. “Should I come up with you?”
“Don’t you have work?”
“I do, but if you want me to …”
“I’m fine, Dad. I can handle it.”
My father gave me a tight hug. “Call if you need anything. Anytime. Got it?”
“Thanks.”
I climbed the creaky stairs to my apartment, my mind already on Dominic. It had been like this for days. I couldn’t get him out of my head, and the big question was: How badly had I messed up with him? My memories were patchy, and I couldn’t seem to piece everything together.
While I was settling in at home, the phone rang.
“Hey, little brother!” Yael exclaimed happily on the other end. “How’s it going?”
“Good,” I replied half-heartedly.
It was nice that everyone was concerned about me, but it wasn’t like I had just risen from the dead after a long illness.
“I was worried. And guilty! Please! Tell me you forgive me!”
“What do you mean?”
“Oh, there’s a lot, but just say you forgive me.”
I laughed, opened the window, and stepped out onto the balcony. It was a beautiful summer day, and the plants in the nearby woods were a lush green. “Give me a hint.”
“Ugh … Okay! For example, I asked Dominic for help and told him your secret—which, by the way, you should’ve told him yourself a long time ago.
The guy’s too sweet, and he didn’t deserve to be left in the dark about it.
I had to do it. After our fight, you shut me out, and I kept trying to reach you. ”
“I know. Your phone stalking was really annoying.”
Although Yael was someone who solved her own problems, if there was one thing that kept her awake at night, it was an argument—and I was on a cocaine high and couldn’t even remember what it was about.
“Tell me … Why was I even standing in front of your door back then?”
“You wanted to yell at Ken because you thought he was being an asshole to me.”
“Oh … sorry about that.”
“Kil … I promise, you’ll be the first to know if he ever acts like an asshole again.”
“That’s good.”
“So, have you talked to Dominic yet?”
“I just got home.”
“He was worried about you and asked about you.”
“Hmm …”
“What?”
“The whole thing didn’t exactly paint me in a good light.”
“No, but I think he loves you. He wouldn’t have come to Engelberg to pick you up if he didn’t. Thank goodness he rides a motorcycle.”
A smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. “The jackpot.”
“Talk to him. I have the feeling he was really shaken when he dropped you off at Mom and Dad’s.”
I covered my eyes with one hand as the memories came flooding back like lightning. “I didn’t want to shake him up.”
“I know, but for him, it was the first time.”
“Did I insult him or something?”
“No, you didn’t. But he was definitely in a bit of shock when you shoved me.”
“Fuck …”
“You didn’t like me putting my hand on his arm. I didn’t know you were so possessive, little brother.”
I stretched my neck from side to side and exhaled. “I lose control with Dominic when I feel like he’s …” The images from the chemsex party flashed before my eyes, and I saw him lying on the bed with that other guy. Naked!
“I have to see him. Right now.”
“Doesn’t he have work?”
“I don’t care. I have to go. We’ll talk later?”
“Yeah! And call me afterward. I want to know everything.”