10. Chapter Nine
Chapter Nine
Allie
N o matter how many layers of clothes I put on, I can't stop feeling cold. After dinner, after Jax and I had our little blow up, I took a bath because of it. I didn't know I liked them until I climbed into it, and I never wanted to get out. At least, until the water got cold.
We decided that unless it was necessary, Jax wouldn't give me memories until I asked for them. In this case, I didn't think it would be too much pressure, so he told me I'd sit in baths for hours if he'd let me. Reading books or playing on my phone. When the water got cold, I would drain it and refill it. If I had a particularly bad day, or I had just spent time with my mother, I'd fill it with bubbles and drink wine.
After meeting my mother, I don't find that last part of the story unbelievable at all. The moment I saw her, my body tensed, and I didn't have an overwhelming urge to jump into her arms and hug her when I found out who she was like I did my father. And since the doctor told me to trust my instincts, they tell me that my mom and I do not get along. Not like she wanted to make it seem when she acted so dramatically.
I look in the mirror at the flannel pajamas Jax gave me before I got into the tub. My reflection looks like a child playing dress up. They're about two sizes too big, but they're warm, and for that I’m thankful.
I step into the master bedroom to find Jax wearing a pair of gray sweatpants and a white tank top. Even though I don't remember him or being in love with him, my body reacts to him as though we've been together for years. I'm not used to feeling desire, but something deep in my core pulls at him. It doesn't hurt that he's hot, both fully clothed as well as showing off his toned body in a tight shirt like he is now.
"You're sure you don't want to sleep in here? I can take the extra bedroom," Jax says, pulling me from my thoughts.
"I'm sure. It feels weird to kick you out of the bed you've slept in for far longer than I have," I say and follow him down the hall.
He walks in and turns the lamp beside the bed on. "Here it is."
I step inside and notice how cute the room is. I take in the shades of gray and green, and something tells me the decor was a compromise of what Jax and I wanted. He doesn't strike me as the type of person who enjoys decorating, but he also doesn't seem overly girly. It's a nice room.
"Goodnight, Allie," he says as he lingers in the doorway. "Do you need anything?"
I turn and force a smile before shaking my head. "No, I'm good. Thank you."
He leaves, and I know how difficult it is for him to walk away like this. I'm not sure what he expected, but jumping into bed with a virtual stranger, no matter how hot I think he is, seems like a lot considering I just ran through miles of wooded area and just learned my name a few nights ago .
Pulling the fluffy comforter down, I flick off the main light at the switch and climb onto the comfortable mattress. I spend a few moments just taking in my surroundings. The feeling of being on an actual mattress. A real pillow. Warm blankets. A window with closed blinds. A floor that doesn’t need rugs to keep my feet from getting dirty. The only thing that’s missing is a bookshelf of new books, and I'd think I'd walked into royalty.
That's kind of a sad thought. From what Jax says, these are basic amenities. I’m so used to less than basic that this seems luxurious.
I reach over and turn off the lamp beside the bed, and the room falls into complete darkness. Jax has gone to bed, and there's no light on that I can see in the house. Not even the streetlights or moon filter in through the closed blinds or curtains. Which I suppose is a good thing. Whoever did this to me is still out there, maybe watching me. The fewer opportunities they have to catch me in a vulnerable position the better. Though, my reasoning and any fleeting sense of safety doesn't stop the panic rising.
For a few moments, I feel like I'm right back in the basement. The cold takes over, and I shiver. I desperately want my flashlight, but I don't have it. I should have taken it with me when I ran. It would have helped in the woods, but it also would have shown my location to anyone who followed.
Is the flashlight my version of a security blanket? Can I not get through the night without it? The only courteous thing I was given besides books to read for seven years?
I quickly reach over and turn the lamp back on, bathing the room in a warm glow as I try desperately to calm my breathing.
I’m not in the basement. I’m in a comfortable bed with big, thick blankets. I took a hot bath, and I was able to shower. With soap. And hot water. This isn't the terrible place I ran from. I’m safe. Well, safe enough. There is a cop outside, and Jax will do whatever he can to stop someone from getting me again—he promised. But he wasn't able to stop it the first time. No, I have to stop thinking like that. The first time wasn't in his house. Our house.
I turn off the light again and try to figure out why I didn't feel this panic when I was in the hospital. It takes a few moments, but it becomes clear. Not only were the noises at the hospital very different from here, at the house, there was always a light on somewhere. I never woke up in the pitch black. The sounds here don't sound that different from what I heard in the basement. It's too similar.
Getting up, I walk to the master bedroom and knock lightly on the open door. I'm not sure whether I want Jax to be awake or not.
"Do you need something?" Jax calls out, and he turns the bedside lamp on as he sits up. "What's wrong?"
"I feel kind of silly, but... can I sleep in here?"
"Of course," he says and climbs out of the bed to stand. "I can sleep in the guest room."
Moving on instinct, I grab his hand as he walks past me. "I didn't mean alone," I say, feeling my cheeks pinken as he turns and stares at me. "I mean, can you stay in here with me? When I sleep? We can... sleep in here... together."
His eyes stare intensely into mine, and I feel that weird stir of desire again. "You want to sleep in here, with me?"
Swallowing, I break the eye contact. This feels so stupid. "Not as my boyfriend, or whatever. I just..." I let out a sigh and look at the ground. "I feel ridiculous, but I don't want to be alone. When I turn out the light, it feels like I'm right back in the basement."
He cups my cheek gently with his hand before he drops it. "Of course. "
I move to the right side of the bed, the same side I climbed into in the guest room, and I naturally know it's my side. Always my side. Climbing in, I tuck the comforter up to my chin as he turns out the light. Immediately, I notice there’s a sliver of moonlight shining through the windows, allowing me to see a little better than I could in the guest room. "The mattresses here are much more comfortable."
"Hospital beds aren't exactly known for comfort. I think they're designed to make sure there's adequate blood circulation and whatnot."
"True, but the hospital bed was also much more comfortable, too. The cot I had wasn't, especially after years of wear."
He sighs, and I notice it's what he does whenever I mention the basement. "Do you want me to go and buy a nightlight for you? Or we can leave a light on somewhere."
I turn on my side to face him, and he does the same. "I don't want to have to have a light. But I don't want to be alone. I need something I can easily reach to remind me where I am. Is that okay?"
He nods. "Of course."
"I was alone every day and every night. You remember how you mentioned that you're scared of waking up to find that I'm not really here? That this was nothing but a dream?"
He mutters, "Mmhmm," and I smile.
"I have the same fear. That I'll wake up and realize I never really escaped. That I'm still down there, shackled, dirty, and cold. The harsh metal reminding me I'm stuck, and I'll have nothing but that lukewarm soup and bread to eat for the thousandth day in a row."
The memory causes my heart rate to skyrocket, and Jax reaches out to take my hand. "You're out, Allie. You're safe. You're safe now, and I'll never let anything happen to you again. "
"It's kind of comforting that we have similar feelings about the same situation even though we were on different sides of it."
"It was terrible for both of us in different ways," he says, and his hand squeezes mine.
"It's hard for me to wrap my head around how you know so much about me. My memories start seven or so years ago, but you have this lifetime of recollections. Even birthday parties and school things that have nothing to do with us. It's such a crushing thought to know I've lost something without really knowing what I've lost." I pause and watch him stare at me. "Does that make sense?"
Nodding, he gives me a sad smile. "You miss something you don't fully know or understand."
"I have this gut feeling that I had a good life. Great, even."
"You did," he whispers, his grip on my hand unwavering. "You were happy. Not all the time, but no one really is. If they are, they're usually medicated to the max."
I giggle. "That's true. It's like missing someone you don't know. I miss myself because... I don't know myself."
"I get that."
A moment of silence washes over us, but it’s not uncomfortable, if anything it feels… welcome. Easy. Safe.
"You're staring at me,” I whisper, no sense of accusation in my tone. “I can feel it even if I can't really see it."
His mouth twitches into a sad smile. "I'm scared to fall asleep," Jax admits.
"You are?"
"I'm scared that I'll wake up to find you gone. If you're not here when I wake up, I very likely will need to be locked up in the loony bin. "
For some reason, the comment strikes me as amusing, and I laugh. "Maybe that would be the best place for me for a while. It'll be secure, at least. I very much doubt whoever did this would try and walk into a psych ward to get me, and an added bonus is I'd get all the good drugs. I know you said I don't like being medicated, but it might not hurt right now. It might even be fun to bounce around in a padded room."
He chuckles with me, and it feels like this is kind of okay. Almost normal. "Only if I can go with you."
"Obviously. We'd be medicated together, and our same fears, for different reasons, would disappear."
"I just want to be wherever you are. I wish I could explain how it felt to be without you, not knowing where you were. Not knowing if you were okay."
The darkness we lay in gives me a boost of confidence. I can't easily see the expressions on Jax's face, and it feels like there’s a veil over us making it safe to say and ask what I want. "You don't like when I talk about what it was like in the basement, do you?"
"Why do you say that?"
"Anytime I mention it, you sigh. It's almost like you're resisting and pushing the words away."
"I suppose in a way, I am. It's just uncomfortable to think about, that's all."
I nod, realizing how it's normal for me. Scary, but normal. "I can avoid talking about it if you want."
"Do you need to talk about it?"
"It's the only thing I know. The only part of my life I remember. It's kind of hard to participate in much, especially when certain topics come up because it's the only source of reference I have. "
He stays silent for a few moments. "I never really thought about it like that."
"It's hard for you to hear, isn't it?"
"It is, but I don't want you to keep it to yourself if you need to talk about it. Part of me wants to know because I want to know everything about you, but I don't want to know because it'll make it real."
Sniffling, I think about it for a few moments. "I wasn't never hit. No, that's a lie, I was hit a few times, early on, but it was more to keep me in line and teach me rather than the person taking pleasure in it. I was given food, even though it was gross, every day. I had a flashlight, and they replaced the batteries frequently to make sure I was never locked in the dark. And I had reading materials to pass the time. All things considered, it could have been a lot worse."
"It still sounds terrible," he says and sighs. "Sorry, I didn't mean to do that. I think it's involuntary."
"It's okay," I say, letting the silence and darkness wash over us.
My eyes close, and I start to fall asleep. The sounds outside prevent me from truly falling into a slumber, and my eyes pop open. Heart racing, I try and focus on Jax's hand in mine. Everything around me sounds so familiar. Just like before, if not louder. The sounds of bugs chirping around the house. A far-off howl of a wolf or wolf-like animal.
I remember lying on the cot so many nights in the beginning wondering if the wolf was able to get into the house. Into the basement. If he had, my shackles would have prevented me from running away, and I'd have been easy prey. There was also nowhere to hide or attempt to climb. No way for me to get away from anyone or anything trying to hurt me.
Without asking, I move closer to Jax who shifts to lie on his back. I nestle in against his side, my head on his chest to focus on his heartbeat. It makes me smile to hear it quicken when I first move to rest against him, but it eventually evens out into a calming rhythm. When his arm shifts to hold me tightly against him, I don’t shrug him off, instead, I relax and let my eyes close.
"You're safe, Allie. You're safe, and I'll never let anything happen to you again. The cops will find out who took you, and that bastard will pay. I'll make sure of it."
The quiet reassurances from Jax push me into the final stages of slumber, all tension leaving my body as the anxiety melts away.
I'm safe. I'm safe, I'm warm, and I'm loved.