Chapter 33
Thirty-Three
VIOLET
I'm still in a state of shock I think. Ellis' tattoo...That threw me for a loop. In that moment the other night, I couldn't be angry. Even the hurt faded to a dull ache for a while as I listened to him talk.
He spoke of my strength and the motivation he has found in his admiration of me. Never, not once in my twenty-six years of life have I felt even a fraction of what he was describing. And maybe that's the problem.
I should absolutely feel proud of myself for climbing back up that damn cliff by myself. They didn't do that for me. Mom didn't force me to stand back up. I didn't fight for my life because I felt guilty or like I had to for someone else. No. I did that for me. I fought for me!
Ellis may have helped me realize some important things about myself but it was me who did that shit. Which has been a crazy realization. So much so I am now back on my therapist's schedule weekly.
But that's not the only reason my jaw is still on the ground. Before Jamie brought me home that night, Nate handed us both a small sheet of paper with the code for their front door.
I was speechless. Nate told us they are an open book and have nothing they want to keep from us ever again. Jamie and I were given permission to come over unannounced whenever we wanted with no questions asked.
To be honest, I still feel a bit weird about it, but I'm trying to focus on the warmth in my heart. They're trusting us with their home. With their safe space even after everything. Jamie and I could break in, in a fit of rage, and destroy their belongings.
Yet, they don't care. An open book. No secrets. Nothing to hide. We want you here whenever you want to be here. However you want to be here. Their openness made me tear up.
Jamie was reluctant to drive me home, but he understood that I just wanted to take a bubble bath and process. He has a habit of making me feel like everything is going to be okay, and I needed to figure out if I could feel that way on my own.
I'm still uneasy that I do in fact feel like everything is going to work out just fine. Which is why I'm standing in Nate and Ellis' entryway a few days later. I need to test this out and see what happens when they realize I've snuck into their home.
Toeing off my slip on booties, I glance around.
It really is a freaking mess in here. Ellis was supposed to show me what he was working on, but after his tattoo admission and the door code I was ready to be alone for a bit.
Meeting Nate's mom and listening to her information dump took enough out of me as it was.
With my jacket hung and my keys on the small table by the door, I peek around. There's banging coming from the basement, so I decide to start there. Even with the loud noises, I keep my steps light.
"GET IN THERE!" Ellis' voice rings clearly from the staircase.
Scrunching my nose up, I grab the railing and hesitate. Do I want to know what they're doing? My pussy says hell yes, yet my mind cringes away. This probably isn't a good idea, but I continue my trek down.
"Oh my god..." Ellis groans and something thuds.
Shoot, my panties dampen at the possibility of watching him getting railed by Nate, but what I find is not what I was expecting. Ellis has his head hung between his shoulders that rise and fall with labored breaths.
"I should have asked for help," he pouts. "How did I measure wrong?"
Glancing around I notice he has a wall of mirrors up with a small portion of the wall showing. Is that what he's upset about?
I watch his back lift with a sigh and decide it's time I stop lurking. "Looks good in here."
"AHHH!" Face wild with terror, Ellis flings around and puts his fists up to defend himself. "Fucking hell on a ball sack, Violet! What the shit are you doing?"
Biting my lip to keep my laughter in check, I cock my hip and fold my arms. "I was told I could come over whenever I want."
"Obviously, but what the fuck?" Groaning, he rubs his hands down his face. His tight black shirt clings to him, showing off his lean muscles, making me want to inch forward. I keep my feet planted even though his grey sweatpants test me.
Giggling, I move away from him to check out the changes he's made. "You're building a gym," I comment, eyeing the fancy treadmill on the other side of the room.
"Yeah," he confirms and clears his throat. As if realizing what a mess it is in here, he starts gathering all the plastic and garbage lingering around. "I needed a space to decompress. The ice that layers the streets half the year has forced my hand."
"Running helps?" I ask softly, wanting, no, needing to get a better idea of his plan to be better.
Nodding, Ellis glances at me and the machine.
"Yeah. It does. When the emotions start to become too much, it feels like an itch under my skin.
Like something needs to come out before I explode.
Which explains the rambling and finicky filter for my words.
Nate and even Jamie have been able to pinpoint when I start to tense, which is a good signal for needing to run off some excess energy. "
I'm silent for a moment, taking in his explanation.
"I appreciate you sharing," I say honestly.
My response is similar to what I whispered to him after he told me about his tattoo.
He doesn't need to be vulnerable, but he's choosing to be.
I hope you'll continue sharing your journey with us, I told him the other night.
To fill the silence, I offer Ellis a part of myself too. "I'm seeing my therapist again. Too much has happened, and I need some help working through it, even if I am feeling stronger and more capable of wrangling all my thoughts."
Ellis smiles warmly at me. "That's good, Violet. Really good. Are you happy?"
Another moment of strong vulnerability from Ellis. What he's really asking is if I'm happy without them. Without being in a relationship.
I hum a noncommittal sound and inch back toward the stairs. "I'm working on it. There are some things I'm figuring out."
"Is that why you're here? To figure things out?"
Pausing, I turn and look him in the eye so he can see my feelings. He's much closer than I thought he was, having followed me to the staircase. "Is that okay with you? I'm not here to play games or mess with your feelings. I'm really just trying to figure things out."
"Yes, Violet. That's why we gave you access to our home. You need to see all of us, even sweaty, defeated me when I stupidly decide to do some projects on my own. This is me, and I'll just keep doing my best to let you see all of me."
Smiling, I reach out and grab his hand. "Thank you."
"Shit, V..." He sighs and shakes his head, looking pained. "Don't thank me for that. I hurt you and I'm so fucking sorry. I hate that it was a wake-up call for me. Your happiness should never be the cost for someone else's oh shit moment."
"You're right." He is. I was hurt in the process of him realizing he had some serious work to do on himself. I don't like it, but sometimes I don't like life either. This is a really tough case of life kicking us all in the gut while we're down.
His attention shifts to my lips as I take notice of his messy dark hair and strong jawline. He really is very pretty, but that's not a cure all.
I'm not only interested in him for his looks. That's a bonus. I'm interested in him because of the connection between us. The one currently pulling us together and tangling our fingers tighter.
"Violet," he pleads and closes the distance. His lips meet mine in the most gentle caress I have ever experienced. It sends tingles down my arms and spine. I can't help but gasp and deepen the kiss for just a moment.
This is nothing but it's everything at the same time. It shows me that something good, something that feels comforting can build from pain.
His bottom lip is trapped between mine just as he has my upper lip in his hold too. There's no tongue, just a sweet connection that makes me want to dive in for an all-consuming hug.
He pulls away, and I don't chase. Instead, he rests his forehead against mine and exhales shakily.
"Kissing you is a privilege I don't deserve but I'm still me. Still selfish enough to greedily take whatever you’re willing to give me.
I'm in love with you so deeply I'll settle for the smallest parts of you. "
My hands reach up and grasp his cheeks. The tiny amount of stubble helps to calm my nerves as I hold him gently. "I know," I breathe. "I know."
Shaking himself, Ellis inhales and presses a firm kiss to my forehead before pulling my hands down. "Alright, Bubbles. Want to scare the shit out of Nate now?"
"Hell yeah," I agree with a tiny grin that melts some of my pieces back together.
This, whatever we're building again, isn't perfect. But it's us and we are definitely not perfect.