Chapter 37
Thirty-Seven
VIOLET
Some days moving on is easy. Others, I feel stuck. It happens randomly—the reminder that these men I'm letting back into my heart have done damage to it.
On those days, I so desperately want them to come find me and help me wade through my emotions. At the same time, though, I don't want to see them at all because it hurts more.
What's worse is when the hurt comes on days we have plans. The furniture I chose for my mini library at their house is being delivered today. I was excited. Now I don't want anything to do with it.
My phone dings on my nightstand, probably a sweet good morning message from one of the guys. I can't bring myself to grab it.
Tears silently track over my nose and drip to the pillow beneath me. Curled on my side in the fetal position, I try to rationalize my feelings. I'm just finishing my period so I'm probably just hormonal.
I'm upset that two people I love could even think about hurting me the way they planned.
I'm angry that they would use another person I love as part of their scheme.
But I'm even more pissed off that five minutes of a toxic thought has ruined our forward trajectory.
That it's keeping me in bed and making me cry. Again.
They didn't even follow through on their revenge plan. But they kept it a secret and secrets hurt people. I would know.
So why do I get to be on my high horse about this when I did something worse to them? I ghosted them for seven fucking years. They wanted to break my heart for five minutes.
I'm not being fair, yet I continue to cry into my pillow and wonder why they aren't here coddling me. Annoyance at my neediness comes fast on the heels of my sadness.
Cassidy's moving around in the kitchen and I can faintly smell the sizzling bacon, but I have no desire to get up. Not even for bacon.
I knew I was battling depression while I was at my mom’s, but I thought I got over it. This is just another lesson I'm learning. Trauma, depression, hurt, memories; they don't go away. I should already know that considering there are times I can hardly look Mama in the eye.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I try to drown out the next message that lights up my phone. When a knock sounds on my bedroom door, I turn away and give it my back.
Cassidy, of course, lets herself in. "Wakey wakey," she whispers. At least the cheer in her voice is at a minimum.
I don't say a word or even groan. Honestly, I'm afraid if I use my voice, a sob will just come out.
The bed dips, jostling a few more tears from my eyes. "I made bacon." I don't respond, really just wanting her to go away. But not at the same time. "Do you need your heating pad?"
Now she sounds a little scared, and it's enough to have me glancing over my shoulder at her. "No. Thank you." My voice is so quiet and weak I'm surprised she can even hear me.
My phone dings and vibrates again, drawing Cassidy's gaze. I know what she sees. A lineup of unread notifications. "Mimosa?" she asks, sounding a bit more optimistic.
I open my mouth to say no I don't want anything, but that actually sounds freaking perfect for my sad Sunday morning. Instead, I wiggle out of my cocoon a bit and nod.
"On it!"
Cass jumps up and runs from the room. Gosh, I love her. She's back with two glasses so fast I don't have a moment to change my mind. With her laptop tucked under her arm, she drops it onto my bed, hands me my cup, puts hers on the side table, and rushes out again.
The fizz of the champagne makes me moan and snuggle against my headboard. Cassidy skips through the doorway with a plate of bacon and a big smile. Her demeanor and coddling make me feel better already.
"True crime documentary?" she asks before taking a sip of her mimosa. With her laptop open, she pulls up our streaming app.
"Yes," I agree happily. So, maybe I don't need my men to make me feel better. I have my bestie, alcohol, murder mysteries, and an entire day off. Sometimes a girl just needs to bum.
"Alright, so..." Cassidy murmurs, looking shifty as heck. "Don't be mad."
Narrowing my eyes at her, I cradle my almost empty second glass to my chest. "What did you do in the bathroom?"
She rolls her eyes and jumps onto my bed. "Nothing. Don't be gross. But I may have let someone into the apartment."
"Cass—"
"Three someones," she blurts, cheeks flaming red.
Grumbling, I kick my covers off and down the last of my yummy drink. I texted the chat and told them I wanted to stay home today, then offered to reschedule our decorating day for the room. Apparently, they took that as an invitation to come over?!
Trying to keep my stomps to a minimum, I make my way to the main living area. There, on my couch, are Jamie and Ellis, looking completely and annoyingly attractive. Jamie's turned toward Ellis with his arm on the back of the couch and his legs spread wide.
Ellis' cheeks are a little pink, and I swear I see him sway toward Jamie. Nate, on the other hand, is pacing the length of the living room, looking worried.
"Good morning," I greet, trying to keep the accusatory tone out of my voice.
Nate whirls around and rushes to me with my name on his lips. "Violet," he breathes. "Are you okay?"
Unintentionally, I block him by wrapping my arms around my waist. I just about stop myself from stepping back because these men are like a dog with a bone. Their eyes are already narrowed on my posture.
"I'm having a tough morning," I admit and bite the inside of my cheek.
Jamie leans forward but doesn't say anything. Why isn't he saying anything? My throat closes over and I realize how badly I need a freaking hug. Why is it hard to ask for one? Why won't they just hug me?
I'm being ridiculously unfair and emotional, but I can't help it. I was feeling better with Cassidy and our cozy morning in bed.
"What's feeling tough, baby?" Nate asks, towering over me and making me feel smaller than I already felt. "Did we do something?"
"Not everything has to be about us, Nate," Ellis comments, sounding thoughtful without taking his eyes off me. "What's hard today, Bubbles?"
Blowing out a shaky breath, I waver between sharing and just asking them to leave. Then I look at Jamie and my resolve to be alone fades away. He's looking at me with such openness and understanding, all I feel is encouraged to lean on them.
"I-I'm stuck in my head. Thinking about what happened and all the feelings are coming back up. I—This part is embarrassing," I mutter, scuffing my toe in the carpet.
"I doubt it's as embarrassing as Nate slipping on a patch of ice out front and face planting into a dead bush," Jamie drawls, swinging his leg at Nate who, now that I'm looking closer, I see has a tiny twig in his beard.
"Oh my god, really?" A giggle and a huge smile brighten my mood, which has me releasing my waist. "You're joking."
"Nope," Ellis denies with a loud laugh. "Fucking epic."
"You're gonna have a really hard time sitting tomorrow, El," Nate growls at his partner.
Ellis lifts his chin in cheeky defiance. "Don't threaten me with a good time, babe."
Nate's eyebrows lift, and he takes a step forward. "You little—"
"As excited as I am for Ellis to get spanked later, I'd like to hear what Violet was trying to tell us," Jamie interrupts, once again kicking his leg out. This time to block Nate from getting to Ellis.
My hand raises to muffle my laughter which only becomes harder when I notice that Nate looks a little damp. "I wish I could have seen that."
"You want a toasty tushy too, baby?" Nate rounds on me, sexy fire in his eyes and rippling muscles. "We could line you two up, bend you over my bed, and take turns teaching you a lesson."
"Maybe instead of the spanking they seem to want, we should edge them. Oh, then we could fuck each other while they aren't even allowed to touch themselves," Jamie suggests like that isn't the worst possible idea.
"Absolutely not!" I huff and Ellis shouts his indignation at the same time.
"So that was hard to hear," Cassidy interrupts with her nose scrunched in disgust. "I'm just gonna lock myself in my room forever now."
"I expect to see you back out here still in your pajamas in ten minutes, Cassidy. Our girl wanted a cozy day with you, and that's what she's going to get!" Jamie yells, and Cassidy flips him off over her shoulder as she disappears into her room.
"You're leaving?" I pout, sad once again. I'm already excited about my period being over and having my confidence back.
"Absolutely not," Ellis declares with a deep frown. "You're sad. I'm staying."
When he says it like that, it sounds so simple. Like he wants to be here to take care of me.
"I'm not going anywhere," Jamie adds and beckons me forward with a crook of his finger. Stepping forward, I stop in front of him and screech a little when he tugs me down between him and Ellis.
Before I can blink, there's a blanket over my bare legs and a hand rubbing the back of my neck. I groan, happiness and comfort making me melt.
Nate places his heavy hands on my thighs and sits on the coffee table in front of me. "Tell us what's wrong."
I sigh, knowing they won't let this go. "I was upset about what you guys did. Then I got mad at myself for abandoning you a long time ago. I wanted to sleep and cry alone. But I was mostly sad because you guys weren't here to give me a hug and reassure me."
Jamie kisses the inside of my left wrist, sending shivers up my arm. I can feel Ellis' intense gaze on my right, and Nate hums with thought.
Slumping, I finish my thought. "Honestly, the hormones from my period are lingering. Things get confusing when hormones are involved. But mimosas and crime documentaries with my friend helps."
Nate stands abruptly. "I'll get the mimosas."
Ellis shifts and grabs the remote. Then Jamie yells, "Cassidy! V needs you!"
For the first time since my bad day began, I don't feel so alone. The anger dissipates, and I feel reassured. I don't need words. I just need some care and to know they want me even when I'm blue.
The tough days will continue to show up, but hopefully they will become few and far between as time moves on.
I'm starting to believe these three men will do anything for me.
Even camping out on my living room floor while Cassidy and I hog the couch, eating all the bacon and drinking too much champagne before noon.