Chapter XXXIX Heat
XXXIX Heat
He seems to think the same thing. His gaze lowers to my lips, and I gasp, pressing in.
The first touch is flighty, almost fearful. His lips are so cold, the silver hoop—the coldest of all.
Then his hot, pointy tongue is in my mouth, and he hoists me up higher, blunt nails digging into my bottom, throat vibrating with deep groans.
I kiss him back with abandon, the piercing pressing into my lip.
Soon, I’m breathless, humping him shamelessly, and Arvi sways on his feet.
He pulls away with a curse and blinks rapidly, then lowers me onto the grass.
We embrace, and I stroke his shivering back, then pat his rump with affection. He snuffles out a soft laugh.
“Look at you, taking what you want. Good queen. The best.”
I breathe him in, leather and citrus soap, then pull away. “You don’t have to finish the story if you don’t want to.”
“Yeah.” He looks at the sky with a wry smile.
“But then I’ll have to tell you some other time and I’ll dread it.
I’ll probably avoid talking to you, and that would be plain stupid.
Well, my father found out I disobeyed him, and he brought me to my laruna pond.
He tied me up, fished out a dozen harvinas and threw them in.
They were starving, because he hadn’t fed them for days.
He was calculating that way. I never saw it coming. ”
“Oh no,” I whisper, my heart breaking.
“He kept me tied up for fifteen minutes, enough for the harvinas to slaughter over a dozen of my fish. Then he released me and gave me my knives. I stood over that pond, my hands shaking, and I knew if I missed, I’d kill one of my fish.
Yet if I didn’t throw any knives, the harvinas would eat them all.
My father didn’t have to say a thing, because his lesson was clear: if I had practiced like he’d told me to, I would have had much higher chances of saving my larunas. ”
“That’s so cruel.”
“I mean, it worked,” Arvi says with a snort.
“Nowadays, I never miss. That day, I did a few times. It was excruciating. My father gave me exactly twelve knives for the twelve harvinas he let in the pond, and since I missed, I had to run to get more while I knew my fish were being hunted. We use special knives for hunting in water, so I couldn’t use the ones I carried on me.
“By the time I killed the last predator, only about ten of mine were left. I killed them, too, because I knew that if I didn’t, I’d always wonder what my father did to them after I was gone.
Then I packed my things and left in the night.
I went to a faraway army recruitment post so my father wouldn’t find me.
Ironically, my knife throwing skills got me enlisted. ”
He sighs and rubs his face, and I put my arm around the small of his back. “I’m so sorry, Arvi. That was a horrible thing to experience.”
“Yeah. And since you asked about what killing feels like, the answer is: not even half as awful as what my father did to me that day. I know they were only fish. Maybe that makes me a maniac, because logically, Agnidari lives, human lives, are worth more than some fish. And yet, my first human kills were easy compared to killing my sweet larunas.”
“You are a bit of a maniac,” I say with a small smile, pressing closer. “But I don’t think it’s bad. You’re perfect, Arvi. I’m so grateful you are my knight.”
He pulls away, lifting my chin with a cold knuckle. His eyes are narrowed, lips twisting as he seems to prepare what to say.
“Look, I told you my worst experience. I trusted you, and you didn’t laugh, and now I feel better because you know. I am going to ask you what your worst experience was. Please, don’t run away or lie.”
I take a step back, heart launching into a fast, terrified rhythm. Arvi’s face falls, and he looks grim, but determined. I clench my fists at my sides, loyalty warring with fear.
We have a deal, Arvi and I. We don’t lie to each other. And right now, I hate it more than anything. I’ll have to tell him, won’t I?
I’ll lose everything, lose them all.
He nods, holding my gaze, and opens his mouth to speak. Something flickers in my periphery, a small spark somewhere in the trees. Arvi frowns, turning that way.
Next thing I know, I’m in the pond, my breath pushed out of my lungs by the freezing impact. I flounder, my coat and skirts weighing me down. The pond only seemed shallow. I work my arms desperately, my eyes squeezed shut. No matter what I do, I can’t break the surface.
Something slides over my skin, cold and slimy, and I tense in terror that’s even worse now. I’m in the harvina pond, am I not? And what does Arvi call me?
His laruna.
Do harvinas eat humans?
I don’t have time to work myself into a full-blown panic. The water bubbles from impact as someone else jumps in. I’m gripped around the middle and hauled to the surface. When our heads break it, I gulp air, wheezing. My teeth chatter violently. The cold is excruciating.
“Come on,” Arvi says through gritted teeth. “Up with you. Up. On the shore.”
He pushes and hauls me, and I climb onto the grass with difficulty, wheezing louder and louder. Arvi pulls himself up in one graceful movement, then picks me up and runs.
“I didn’t get them,” he says harshly. “Soldiers are looking, but we have to go.”
I can barely think through the cold and terror still lingering in my blood stream, but I understand what must have happened.
“Someone shot at us.”
“At you. Just a bit longer.”
When we barge through the keep’s doors, Arvi sends the nearest guard to get Magnar and the knights. “Tell them to go to the queen’s chamber immediately.”
We’re both soaked, and we leave wet marks on the stone floor. Arvi doesn’t seem to tire, his steps growing even faster on the stairs. He takes the final corridors running and bursts into our bedroom. No one’s there yet. He lets me to my feet in the bathroom and starts the water.
“We’ll get you warm in a minute,” he says, turning to me. I try to take off my clothes, but my hands are shaking, and the wet, heavy fabric won’t cooperate. “I’ll cut you out. Stay still.”
He takes a slim knife from his belt, and I freeze, watching as it flies down my front, cutting buttons off my coat. He grips the knife between his lips and pushes the coat off my shoulders, then gives me a sharp, quelling look, and grabs the fabric at my hip.
“Steady.”
I don’t dare move a muscle, my chest barely twitching with every shallow breath. Arvi makes a short work of it, and tatters of my dress slap the floor around my feet. When I’m naked, hugging myself against the vicious cold, he kneels and cuts through my shoelaces.
Arvi’s still dressed in his wet clothes when he lowers me into the bath. I hiss when my chilled skin meets hot water. That’s when Magnar comes in, the other knights on his heels.
Arvi turns to him and salutes.
“Shooters in the trees on the west boundary of the keep’s garden. They targeted Caliane. Guards are hunting them down, but they had time to get away.”
Magnar gives me a long, assessing look, and nods. “What happened?”
“I pushed her in the pond when I saw the first arrow.”
Khay snorts. “That’s taking your endearment a tad too far, Arvi. She’s not a fish.”
Arvi bares his teeth at him. He tries to control himself, but I see the tremors wracking his frame. Before they start a fight, I come closer and put my hand on his hip.
“Arvi, you’re freezing. Come in with me. I’m sure the guards have it handled.”
Raduna shakes his head. “If the attackers had time to flee, they did. I don’t remember the last time an enemy got as far as the garden. I assume they were professionals.”
Arvi doesn’t look at me. “Even so, I’ll go and…”
“No.” Magnar puts a firm hand on his chest. “She’s right. Get in the tub and keep Caliane from drowning. We’ll check the grounds.”
It seems that the time I fell asleep in the tub will haunt me forever. Yet I am silent, because I know Magnar only said it to convince Arvi to stay. The young knight positively vibrates with the need to act, and if he goes out like this, he’ll catch pneumonia or worse.
“You want me to bathe with Caliane alone?” Arvi asks, arching a sardonic eyebrow.
Magnar’s chin juts out as he levels his knight with an angry stare. Something passes between them, and finally, Magnar nods.
“Enjoy.”
“Happy hunting,” Arvi says, turning to me with a sly smile. “Would you help me with my belt, sweet?”
Raduna, who’s the last to leave the bathroom, turns in the doorway. “Don’t overdo it, Arvi.”
“Yeah, yeah. Come on, my fingers are numb.”
I wrestle with the wet leather, and Arvi throws off his vest and shirt. Soon he comes in, settling on the opposite end of the tub with a deep groan of relief. I press my foot to his outer thigh.
“What was that about?”
He glances at the door Raduna closed behind him and sighs, shaking his head.
“You haven’t told Magnar you love him and he’s on edge. Very jealous, of course. He hasn’t said it outright, but he’s calmer when neither of us knights spends too much alone time with you.”
“What?” I sit up, outraged. “So he forbade you from…”
“You’re not listening. He didn’t, even though he could. He wants to be fair, and it’s killing him. It’s not that he forbade us—we’re trying our best to make this easier for him. Besides, you’re busy, too. It’s not the best time to get all lovey-dovey.”
“You’re saying you’re all suffering and it’s my fault.” My voice falters, and I look away, guilt squeezing my chest.
Arvi sighs impatiently. “I literally did not say any of that. Look, it’s hard to be married when it’s just two people involved, yeah?
Add to that the fact there’s five of us, everything that happened between us, and the hardships of ruling a country.
We were just shot at, remember? It’s hard. Not your fault.”
I hear what he says, but the guilt doesn’t go away. I wish it would. I’m so tired of feeling this way, and I desperately try to push it away, but the heavy, choking emotion always comes back.
“But it would be easier if I just told Magnar I love him. Or am I wrong?”
Arvi sighs, considering me. The water sloshes above my breasts now, and he cuts off the tap. I reach behind me for two bars of soap and hand him the citrus one.
“Magnar would be delighted if you told him that honestly,” he says at last, not washing yet. “If you only do that to make him feel better, he’ll know. Don’t ask me how. The bastard just knows. And that will make things a thousand times worse.”
I tilt my head back, looking at the dark ceiling. Water splashes, and Arvi grabs my foot. I gasp but relax when he massages it slowly with a lathered hand. His fingers knead my arch with delicious pressure, and I sigh with bliss.
“It’s like I love him, and yet… There’s this thing. Like a darkness, a premonition. It holds me back.”
“Hm. What premonition?”
I sigh in exasperation. “I don’t know! That something horrible will happen. It doesn’t make sense.”
“And you didn’t feel that with Khay?”
I close my eyes, letting the skillful gliding of his fingers unknot my muscles.
“I didn’t. And not with you, either.”
Arvi freezes, and I slowly lift my head, studying his face. He looks serious, a little sad, shoulders tense.
“With me, laruna?”
I close my eyes, my chest hurting. Oh, I am so frustrated with myself, but it’s like I can’t contain it. Once I know, I have to express it. Just like when I told Khay.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, looking into his amber eyes. “I love you. I’ve known for a bit and did my best not to say it, but I can’t hide things for long.” Happy things, I add in the privacy of my mind.
I don’t have trouble hiding anything painful and complicated.
Like the fact I’ve missed my monthly bleeding. Don’t think about it.
“Oh.”
Arvi doesn’t react, and I press my lips together, feeling ridiculously rejected.
He’s the only one who hasn’t confessed his love for me in one way or another.
Suddenly, I understand how Magnar must feel.
He’s told me countless times he loves me, and I never said it back.
I hate to make him hurt, but I don’t know what to do.
I swallow the tightness in my throat, the sudden bout of uncertainty, the vicious thoughts—of course Arvi doesn’t love me back, I’m not good enough, not pretty enough, don’t deserve love—and do my best to compose myself.
“Again, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said it.”
He is silent, merely watching me, and I force my breaths not to shake, my eyes not to water. If Magnar suffers this same wretched feeling every time, I’ll have to pull myself together, and soon. If only I knew what stands in the way.
Maybe I’m broken somehow. Maybe he’s been too good for me, and I just can’t love him for it. I don’t know.
I look at Arvi and do my best to smile, because it’s not his fault, and really, he’s right not to love me back. I don’t deserve it.
His eyes glimmer a reddish amber that makes him look like a beast out of this world, and my chest hurts with longing. I know he’s mine, my knight, and I’m the only woman he’ll ever touch; yet, I want his heart. Just like he has mine.
He meets my gaze head on, his lips flattening in a tight line.
“Fuck it.”