Chapter 31
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
TRIXIE
Somehow, I’d managed to hold my head up high as I walked across the clubroom leaving Freak and his intention to take Star to bed behind. I’d rounded the bar, and to Knight’s astonishment, grabbed a bottle of Jack without a word. Something in my face must have stopped him from questioning me.
I exited through the back door and took the gravel path that leads to the bunkhouse. Entering, I make my way to my room on the second floor. The door only just closes behind me before the tears start to fall.
Stupid, stupid whore. Did you really think Freak liked you?
Or as anything more than a convenient pussy?
I certainly don’t want Freak to treat me differently because of the part I played in the traumatic last couple of days.
No, I want him to see me differently, not out of gratitude for my actions, but because, at last, he’s seeing the woman I really am beneath my uniform of skimpy clothes.
I stumble to the bed, sink down on it, place the whiskey on the nightstand, then go to extract a tissue – changing my mind at the last minute and taking the whole box.
As the tears fall faster than I can mop them up, a full on self-pity party begins, and I can do nothing to stop it.
I know part of my breakdown is a continuing reaction as a result of me entering the MDMC club, what-might-have-beens circle my head even though I want them to stop.
And that’s coupled with the hateful way that Freak dismissed me, hateful to me, of course, to him it was normal to choose a free club girl to spend a pleasant couple of hours with.
He’d done nothing wrong, I’d known what I was signing up for five years ago.
Sobs rack my body as I let everything out, I use tissue after tissue, just tossing the discarded ones beside me onto the bed, soon finding out crying as if my heart will break is not the best thing to do with bruised ribs.
But the pain just makes my misery worse, my despair cycles between physical and mental anguish.
Giving up mopping the tears, I wrap both arms around myself, lean forward and start to rock, as my mind flits from one thing to the next.
Ace, the ten-year-old kid I first met when I decided to stay with the Kings.
It was obvious, in his own way, Freak was trying to be the best dad he could be, but there were times when the boy needed a woman’s touch.
A band aid to the knee when he’d fallen, cookies as a stop gap to satisfy the appetite of his growing body.
Someone to listen when he’d had a hard day at school, or when he needed to vent when his nana had limited his screen time for some, in her eyes, miscreant behaviour.
And even more recently, just to be there, ready with a hug, when he was frustrated that he couldn’t find a problem with his coding.
While I didn’t understand everything he said, that wasn’t necessary to comfort him.
At first, I’d wondered how Freak had come to be a single parent, but I’d taken my cue from the others, how Ace had come into being was Freak’s story to tell, and he’d never told it.
While the softer side of raising a kid may have been lacking, I couldn’t criticise him for how he was raising his kid.
Especially considering Ace’s early life couldn’t have been easy.
By the time I’d arrived, Freak was able to cope with Ace’s inability to deal with things which came naturally to everyone else.
The reason for a meltdown was swiftly recognised and addressed, and often, Freak headed them off at the pass before they became an issue.
It was intriguing to watch this muscled, fierce enforcer give time to his son.
I suspect I was the only one to recognise this caring side of him.
Oh, I know he came by his road name legitimately, and as I’ve witnessed him freak out more than once, I admit it was frightening.
I’ve also seen how he’s fought to keep his temper under control.
And how I’ve never seen him lose it in front of his son.
Some women might be put off by his size and bulging muscles, but as I was recovering from the injuries Piero had inflicted, I’d noticed him, particularly as he was so different from my husband whose body was soft, and lacking in the muscular department.
Maybe that was what had attracted me to him, out of all the men, I’d found him sexy from day one.
Going to his bed wasn’t a hardship, stopping myself from falling for him was. While I’d been disappointed, maybe it was for the best he’d never called on me for a repeat. The attraction had clearly purely only been one-sided, and I was left admiring him from afar.
Until Ace’s abduction, when we finally got onto the same side.
We’d communicated so easily, were on the same wavelength.
When he kissed me, it was like a dream come true – I’ve never been kissed so passionately.
Then, last night, we’d slept with Ace between us, as if we were a unit, a family.
I was beginning to think that, for the first time in five years, he was beginning to see me as me, and not just a hole to be filled.
A violent sob escapes. Why did he bother to rescue me from Rattler? For a few glorious seconds, I’d thought it meant he was possessive and jealous of me. Then, he’d dismissed me, so cruelly and coldly.
Club girls mean nothing to members, they’re just club property. Had Freak used that as a way to remind me, to make sure I knew my position? Now Ace is back, he has no use for me.
Of course he doesn’t. I’m nothing to him. Certainly not someone to start a relationship with, let alone make an old lady. No King would think of degrading themselves or stooping so low.
I made my choice five years ago.
I’m safe here, it’s my sanctuary, a place where Piero wouldn’t ever dream of looking for me.
With any luck he’ll think I’m dead, believe that a na?ve woman, knowing nothing of the world, quickly found her end on the streets.
I can’t bank on that though, I’m not free to leave. Piero might still be searching.
Up to now, sex with the brothers hasn’t been a chore, I get pleasure enough to satisfy me. I like the men, like being part of the family, even if I’m at the bottom of their priorities. Now? For some unknown fucking reason, my gut tells me letting the others fuck me would be a betrayal of Freak.
How the fuck do I deal with this? How do I cope, even now Freak is over in the clubhouse fucking Star? If I hadn’t stopped him, it might have been me. But I’d made my choice and had walked away. Had I been wrong? No, I don’t want crumbs. I want the whole thing.
And, anyway, Freak’s priority tonight shouldn’t be getting his dick wet. He should be with Ace, making sure he’s okay. But Freak’s a man, what more could I expect?
A knock sounds at my door. Hastily I blot my tears, then stuff my hand into my mouth to keep quiet. I’m in no mood to talk to anyone tonight, and certainly not up to having sex with any of the brothers who might call on me.
The knock sounds again. Just go away, I inwardly scream.
Then, to my horror, the door handle starts to turn. I’ve got a lock on my door, but don’t use it often. I freeze. Not many here would just walk in. But the person who enters is the last person I expected to see. Especially as I thought she was otherwise engaged.
“Oh, fuck, Trix.” Star runs across to me. “Babe, you’ve been crying.”
Yeah, the avalanche of used tissues, which I hurriedly try to bundle together, bear witness to that. I try to explain myself. “It just all caught up with me.”
She sits and makes herself at home on my bed. “Going into the clubhouse of those motherfuckers must have been terrifying.” She shudders. “Girl, I have no idea how you had the guts to do that. Did you get hurt?”
“Bruised ribs.”
She nods. “So that’s why Freak told you to go see Bronwyn. I hope she gave you some of the good stuff.”
“I didn’t bother,” I admit.
She turns to face me, hiking her knee up onto the bed. “Trix…” she pauses, then instructs, “girl, look at me.” She waits until I obey. “Freak kicked me out of his room. He didn’t fuck me.”
I force myself to give a nonchalant shrug. “Whether he did or not means nothing to me.”
She stares at me, then scoffs. “Don’t try and kid a kidder. It’s clear you’ve got the hots for him.”
A gasp escapes before I can think of denying it. “Does everyone know? The brothers?” Fuck, they’re probably all laughing at me.
Her shoulders rise then lower. “Not the brothers, they’re dense.
Couldn’t suss something like that out, unless you wrote it in neon lights and danced naked on the bar pointing it out.
” She laughs at her own exaggeration, then rolls her eyes.
“Heaven does, she’s read the signs. Sweetie?
” She pauses to circle her finger around her right temple, and chuckles.
“She’s as sweet as her name, but clueless, yeah? ”
My mouth drops open at her description, and I inadvertently snort. Can’t say she’s not accurate.
“I just wanted to tell you, Freak didn’t want me.
I was lying there naked, and girl, I know I ain’t lost my charms, there isn’t normally a man who can resist me.
But him? I wasn’t who he wanted me to be.
” She grimaces and takes my hand. “Trix, I love you. You’ve always been there for me, taught me the ropes when I came to the club.
I know you feel something for him, and I just happen to think he might have similar feelings.
But I’m gonna be cruel to be kind. There ain’t no way a brother is going to commit to a club girl, however much of a superwoman you’ve proved to be.
It’s just not the way the club works. You’ve got to get him out of your head, or leave. ”
She’s being totally honest. Even if my desire for Freak was reciprocated, there’s no way he can act on it, I’ve already come to that conclusion myself.
And I can’t leave. Unless… the idea comes to me.
Maybe I could go to another chapter of the Kings?
I’ve already met a number of the other chapters when they’d helped me when I was running from New York.
Yeah, that’s possible. Maybe I’ll speak to Bullseye tomorrow.
They’ve got chapters all over. I could go anywhere.
And service new brothers. My mouth twists. Hard to do when the only biker I want to be under is Freak.
I suddenly shudder. One chapter I won’t be returning to is Ohio. In my drugged-up state, Raven’s Crest and its occupants had freaked me out. Though that was more likely down to me than them.
“You okay?” Star asks, her eyes softening.
I am now I’ve got a plan of sorts. Well, a decision to make. Either stay here and try to rid myself of my stupid feelings for Freak, or start afresh with different Kings.
“I’m okay,” I reply, then add more firmly, “Star, I’ll be fine. Thanks for coming to talk to me.”
Something in my voice must convince her, as she gets up to go, pausing at the door only to say, “Girl, go and get yourself some of those good painkillers Bron dishes out. And something to help you sleep. If you’re anything like me, after the MDMC clubhouse, you’ll have nightmares tonight.”
As she disappears, closing my door behind her, I muse the best remedy for chasing away bad dreams would be to sleep cuddled up with both Ace and Freak, just as we’d done yesterday.
But that’s never going to happen.
At least my tears have stopped, and while I doubt Freak didn’t fuck Star because he had thoughts about me, that vision is at least out of my mind. He’d probably realised Ace needed him more than he needed a release. Yeah, Freak’s a good dad.
Glancing at my phone, I see it’s ten o’clock, normally too early for me to go to sleep.
But my crying jag, together with the events of yesterday, has worn me out.
As I yawn, I realise how exhausted I feel.
Pushing myself up carefully so as not to jostle my ribs and grabbing my toiletry bag, I peek out of my door, making sure there’s no one to see my reddened eyes and blotchy face, then I proceed to the bathroom down the hall.
Locking myself in, I shower, clean my teeth, pee, then return to my room.
I ease myself into bed, and am just reaching to turn off the light, when another knock sounds at my door.
For fuck’s sake, go away.
Proving I’ve forgotten to turn the lock again, this time, without even a second knock, the door pushes open. My jaw drops when it’s reveals Freak.
“Ran into Star,” he grunts, offhandedly. “Said you forgot to get these.” He rattles a small bottle of tablets. Then he approaches the bed, his dark eyes burning into me, even as he tosses the medication onto the covers.
My heart’s beating fast as I force myself to stay calm. “What are you doing here, Freak?”