Chapter 7 Vae
Vae
PAST
I wake up to the sound of coughing and scramble out of my bed, rushing down the hall and shoving open their bedrooms. I’m not allowed in here. Maria made the new rule last year, she said since we’re teens now, it’s not right. But they need me. To hell with the rules.
Raynor is curled up without a blanket on, covered in sweat. I touch his head. He’s clammy and doesn’t wake to my touch.
“No, Raynor? Oh, please, you have to be okay.”
He moans and turns his head to the side. Red flags on his cheeks, but the rest of him is pale white.
I run to the bathroom and wet a flannel, returning to bathe his face. He’s so hot.
“You need help, Raynor.”
I go to Mal’s bed, but just before I wake him, I realise he’s flushed as well. I look at Deacon and see him tossing around.
He lets out a deep, scary bark of a cough.
“All right. Maria isn’t home, so what would she do?”
I go to the kitchen and look through the cupboards until I find the panadol. I make up a honey lemon drink and bring a bucket with cold water and cloths in it.
With my tongue between my teeth, I carefully carry it into their room. I sit Raynor up and get him to swallow the tablets, then drink some lemon and honey. I put a cool cloth on his forehead and go to Mal, repeating the process.
After Mal is set, I go to Deacon.
I repeat the process, taking care of them until dawn.
As soon as the shops open, I check them over and run down to the local shop. I don’t have much money, but the chemist gives me the medicine and instructions on how to look after them.
When I get home, I feed them the medicine and try not to cry. For three days, I barely sleep. We don’t go to school. We don’t leave the room other than when I help them hobble to the toilet.
I’m exhausted, slumped over with my face on Raynor’s mattress, when he wakes. His eyes are clear, and he reaches out and touches my nose, stroking his finger down until he gets to the tip.
“I love you, Vae.”
Those three words change everything.
PRESENT
I wake up to the sound of a car crashing and groan and pull my pillow over my head.
Damn it! Someone is either up early or didn’t sleep and is playing his game.
My money is on Raynor. He doesn’t sleep well at the best of times and needs music to silence his mind and the memories or a game to get out the frustration.
We all need a way to silence the memories some days.
With sleep receding, I realise that Raynor deliberately stayed out to keep me from leaving last night. I let out a deep growl. I’d crept to bed around one am, finally conceding defeat. My last night spent alone in the house sure was special.
My door opens, and Mal creeps in. I can tell it’s him by the way he moves as he climbs under the covers and into bed with me.
These are the times when it’s the most painful thing in the world to be the recipient of his affection.
His hot, hard body engulfs mine. Those familiar arms, that scent that I love so much, the sounds he makes. I know them all.
“Missed you, Veevee.”
“I thought you guys weren’t coming home?” I murmur.
“Party got boring. Wanted to come and see you.”
He snuggles down, burying his face in my neck and pulling me into him. I wrap my arm around his back, even as he throws a leg over my thighs.
“What happened to Raynor?”
“He saw someone he knew from back then. Went to Scotty’s and got hammered. Picked a fight with a couple of people. I got a call to come get him at four this morning.”
I wince. “I’ll talk to him.”
Mal sighs in contentment, a big gusty huff that shifts my hair and leaves me wishing this moment could last forever.
“Are you happy, Mal? With Indy? With your life?”
“Abso-fucking-lutely. It’s the best. I get to play hockey with my lover, fuck the most beautiful girl in the world, and live with my best friends.”
They are the words I should want to hear, right? He’s happy. They absolutely rip my heart out, leaving me feeling dirty and like there will never be a light that shines bright enough to take away these shadows.
This is what they call unrequited love, isn’t it?
I hate it. The day I met Mal was a Sunday.
He was brought to us by the woman who brought me to the home.
He was so much smaller than Deacon and Raynor at nine.
Just tiny. He had these bruises on his face and arms from the other kids at other homes, and when he looked at me, I thought, he’s like a broken eagle.
He just needs time and to heal, and he will soar like no other.
I was right.
He grew up golden and bright, and when my Mal flies, he soars.
And he breaks my heart.
I lay there trying to find happiness and contentment, but it’s gone, so I wriggle free, leaving him curled up around my pillow, and leave the room.
I pad down to Raynor’s room and knock. When he doesn’t answer, I enter the room and walk up behind him on his recliner. I slide my hands down his shoulders and hug him in the only way that’s allowed.
He pauses the game and lifts a hand to cover my arm, holding it there. We spent so many nights silently comforting each other with minimal touches. I like to think he can feel all the love I have for him when I come to him in these moments. It’s just him and me and the shadows on our souls.
I stay like that until my back starts to ache, and then I gently pull away. He resumes the game, and I silently exit the room the same way I entered it.
Making breakfast takes me a while, but I set the table and pour juice. Today I need something mundane and like it used to be. I need this.
Deacon comes into the kitchen in a pair of low-slung grey sweatpants. There’s a hickey on his right pec that wasn’t there yesterday. It’s a stark reminder that he’s got a girlfriend, and I shouldn’t be looking. I turn away and gesture to the table.
“Take a seat.”
“Sure. This looks really good.”
I preen because, at heart, I’m a caretaker, and the only thing I need from them is their admiration for me to feel validated, and this is so sad. Am I so happy with crumbs that common courtesy is enough to light my life? What the hell has happened to me?
Mal and Raynor come into the room talking about the practice today and take a seat. I dish up pancakes on each plate and turn, only to freeze when Indy comes in and sits down in my spot. She’s wearing a t-shirt and undies and nothing else.
No one says anything. They don’t even notice. Deacon leans across and kisses her, right there, and I realise that whatever we had is over.
I turn back to the stove and bite my lip, struggling with the desire to tip the hot pot of coffee over his head or to simply walk out. In the end, I serve up Indy’s pancakes, ignoring the way she bitches about them being unhealthy for her, and walk out of the room.
I don’t have work today. I need to kiss Stacey hard for taking today’s shift; it’s my last one.
She’s my best work friend and has been absolutely enraged on my behalf over the way the guys act.
I’m embarrassed it’s taken so long to wake up and smell the roses.
But tonight, after everything is done, I’m going to call her with a delivery of her favourite wings and beer.
Still, I spend extra time getting ready, packing up my stuff and removing it from the bathroom. It’s soul-destroying.
They don’t know that was my last shower here. My last breakfast. I go into my room. I don’t have much. Courtesy of my upbringing, I can fit all my belongings into the boot of my car.
I sit on the edge of my bed and just stare at the wall. Am I really doing this? Am I really going to leave them?
I press the heel of my palm to the ache in my chest. Hurting them and myself is better in the long run. They will just end up casting me aside. I can’t watch them choose someone else.
I can’t be here and go through that.
And I can’t be the one who forces them into a life they don’t want. And an omega coming into her heat suddenly will leave them no choice but to be the ones to help me, and that will ruin any chance they might have of a future.
My door opens, and Deacon walks in, fully dressed. He doesn’t even notice my packed bags.
“We’re heading out now. Can you pick up some milk from the store?”
“I can’t.”
He pauses halfway to the door and turns back. “What?”
“I can’t. I’ve got plans.”
His mouth opens and closes. “Plans?”
I nod my head, unable to meet his eyes because if anyone could command the truth out of me, it would be Deacon Katz. I’ve never been able to lie to him, not successfully.
“With a guy?”
I snort a laugh. “Yeah right. After the last time when my date actually fell more in love with you than me, I don’t think so.”
Deacon laughs and strokes a hand down my hair. It’s an absent-minded, familiar touch that goes right to my heart. I can barely breathe through the yearning.
“He would have done anything I wanted,” Deacon teases and pulls me into a hug. “You have the worst taste in men.”
“You scare them all away.”
“See, I am good for something after all.”
My Deacon, this version, the slightly insecure, kind, protective alpha hugs me harder, lifting me up so he can kiss my cheek. This is the alpha who only I understand.
“You’re good for everything, Deacon, and don’t ever let anybody tell you otherwise.”
Deacon goes still before his arms tighten just a little bit more.
“Love you, Vae.”
My throat seizes. “Love you, too, Deacon.”
He lets go, steps back, spins, and leaves the room. I watch him go, wondering how it all came to this.
If I’d been a beta, would I have stayed? Yes. I wouldn’t be forcing myself out of this. I would have waited while they grew bored or bonded Indy, and I would have let them forget about me and then cast me aside.
Like my parents did.
Today is my last day. I need to take Mandy’s advice and create some distance.