Chapter 8 Vae
Vae
PAST
Maria glances at me.
“What are you doing?”
I smile at her, nice and wide. I don’t want to scare her, but I need to get her to really see me, too. “Can you teach me to cook?”
“No.”
My smile falls. I didn’t expect a flat no. “Please. I want to be able to help out.”
Maria glances at me and raises an eyebrow. I can almost hear her words: for what reason? What’s your game now, Hook?
“You are an excellent cook, and I want to know how to do these things.”
“Why?”
“Well, someone's got to look after the boys when we turn eighteen.”
She pauses, her hand shaking. I can see her thinking it over, and when her shoulders slump, I know I’ve won.
When did her hair get so grey?
“Okay. I’ll teach you how to look after your boys. Come over here.”
PRESENT
I drive back to their house, absolutely furious with them. When I get there, the front door is locked, so I climb in through the window. I just get in when I get hit with a plastic sucker dart from one of Deacon’s stupid toy guns. I’m hit a further six times before he runs out of ammo.
“You’re trespassing.”
“You’re being an absolute idiot, Deacon!” I shout, finally losing my temper. “Do you want to play hockey?”
Deacon simply shrugs.
I know this mode. This is I’m-hurting-already-so-I’m-going-to-sabotage-everything-and-burn-it-all-to-the-ground mode.
I reach up, untie my hair, and redo it in a loose bun on my head. Deacon doesn’t take his eyes off me.
“Out of my house, Hook.”
I snarl and stalk inside, searching for the more logical alpha among the three of them.
I find Malcom in the kitchen. It actually takes me a minute to recognise what I’m seeing.
“What the hell happened?” I screech. “It’s been three fucking days!”
Mal jumps and whirls around, dropping a frying pan full of eggs on the floor. “Fuck, Vae. I was hungry.”
I stare at the mess in shock. There is food on the walls. The kitchen table is full of cans and empty bottles of booze, chip packets, dirty plates, and bowls.
They’ve obviously resorted to eating junk when they ran out of easily accessible food. Guilt seizes me hard by the throat and shoves me up against the wall. I did this.
I turn and walk out. I get to Deacon’s bedroom and find all his clothes everywhere. It’s not as bad as I’d expected, though. I check Mal’s room. All his sleeping stuff is gone. There’s just an empty mattress. Where is Mal sleeping?
Raynor glares at me, but I shove past him and open his door. His room is pitch black, and when I turn on the light, I find that he’s hung up even more of his black sheets, blocking out light and enclosing him in a cocoon of darkness.
FUCK!
I turn and stomp back the way I came, on impulse, opening my bedroom door. On the floor are all of Mal’s bedding and pillows. The sight of it breaks my heart.
The rest of the house looks like a bomb hit it. I pull out my phone and send a message to the cleaning company I like to hire sometimes. Requesting urgent aid and a miracle because we’re going to need one.
In a daze, I return to Mal, who is swearing as his eggs turn black and start smoking. I rush to help him, but he struggles, trying to get away from me.
The pan touches my hand, taking a second before my skin ignites in pain. I yelp. My hand throbs from the burn. It’s not a big one, but it stings.
“Damn it, Vae. I had it!”
Mal throws the eggs in the sink and picks me up like I weigh nothing. He carries me through the house to the bathroom and turns on the cold tap. He sets me down, locks me against the basin while he holds my hand under the water.
I stand there, frozen, as his huge hand holds mine.
I would give anything to have him hold me like this forever. For a moment, I’m tempted to just tell him everything, to let them know what is going on. Mal sighs and drops his forehead to rest on my shoulder. One of his arms circles my waist, and I think, no, I know he’s crying.
It takes everything I have in me to ignore it. But my throat aches, and my lower lip trembles.
How can I tell them that I don’t sleep well on my own? That this hotel room is too big, and it sounds and smells wrong. That I dream of them every night and miss them with every fiber of my being. How can I tell him that living without them seems impossible?
“Come home, Vae.”
If anyone could convince me to change my mind, it would be Mal.
“I can’t, Mal. I, there are reasons, but I can’t. This is the way it’s got to be, but I’m going to help you.”
He lets go of my hand, wrapping it around me, holding me tighter. I bring my throbbing hand up and hold his arm.
“Mal, let me teach you. I promise you can do this.”
He shudders and sniffs. I see his shoulders shaking.
“I’m not leaving you. Please, Mal, I’m only a ten-minute drive away,” I whisper. “I promise I’m not gone; I’m just not here.”
“Isn’t that the same thing?” Mal says thickly.
I shake my head, but he stands up. Our eyes meet in the mirror, and the pain in them shakes me down to the last shred of my control. They chose the wrong person; I can’t fix this.
“Let me show you how to cook an omelet.” I suggest, throwing out a distraction because I can’t win this fight with him.
Mal allows me to escape his arms. I lead him back to the kitchen and start cleaning up.
After a moment, Mal follows my lead, scrubbing the dishes while I clean up the walls and stovetop.
Once everything is clean, I open the fridge and pull out the ingredients.
I’m glad I had the groceries delivered yesterday.
“Are you happy?” Mal asks.
I can’t lie to him, not anymore than I already have, but I don’t know how to answer that.
“It’s going to take some getting used to,” I say evasively. “Here, come sit beside me. So, we want to cut the bacon, capsicum, and tomatoes. We need onions and garlic, too. Okay.”
I run through talking about the cooking and prep, instructing him by softly telling him everything I know, until all the food is cooking in the frying pan, and there’s nothing left to do but turn and stare up at his gorgeous face.
“Don’t you want to see how you can do without me?”
“Honestly? No, I always thought we’d be together,” Mal says sadly. “I know it’s selfish, but I want you back.”
My heart is aching, and he just keeps firing arrows into it.
“I want things to go back to how they were before.”
I snap my mouth closed on my confession and inhale through my nose as I get four plates out.
“Things change, Mal. That’s a part of life.”
“But they don’t have to!” Mal says earnestly. “They don’t have to change. What we had worked.”
“For you, what about me, Mal?”
“You were happy; you can’t tell me you weren’t.”
“Of course, I was happy. But I also want more.”
“What more could you possibly want?”
“A boyfriend,” I snap back. “Children. A pack of my own. Someone who comes to my bed not reeking of another woman!” I shout.
Mal recoils, his expression undergoing lightning changes. “You want…fine. Let’s do it.”
I choke and slowly turn back to him. “What?”
“Let’s go out. We can get bonded or married and then have kids. It will be you and me forever.”
“Malcolm, you don’t know what you're saying,” I say faintly.
“I know exactly what I’m saying.” He advances on me and cages me against the bench. “Let me be the alpha who sleeps beside you every night, smelling of you.”
He’s potent. I’ve never had that charm directed at me, but he’s made it almost impossible to think clearly.
“You’d have sex with me? Even though you don’t think of me like that?”
“I could do it.”
I flinch hard and shove his arm away from me.
“I don’t want someone who has to will himself to want to have sex with me, Malcolm. I want someone who finds me so attractive he can’t keep his hands and eyes off me. Eugh! Enough. Let’s just eat first, and then we’re going to deal with the house.”
I serve up the food, but his words keep going round and round in my head, and I find him watching me in a way I’ve never seen him watch me before.
The smell of food draws Raynor and Deacon to the kitchen. I indicate their seats but otherwise ignore them. It works because the two of them stomp over and sit down.
“Have you ever thought about having sex with Vae?” Malcom asks Raynor.
I spit out a bit of egg and cough until my lungs ache.
Raynor pauses. “Who hasn’t?”
I’m going to kill them.
Mal sits back, chewing pensively on a piece of his omelet. He turns to Deacon.
“And you?”
“Yes, I’ve thought about fucking that bad temper out of her a number of times. In fact, it’s a favourite fantasy of mine.”
“Get fucked, Deacon!” I hiss.
“In your dreams, sweet cheeks.”
I snarl at him. He just smiles back, and I’m annoyed at myself for falling for his ruse again.
“Why haven’t we done it yet?” Mal asks like the question truly perplexes him.
I’m drowning. I’m actually drowning. I thought I’d prepared for any battle they threw at me, but this is a whole new battlefield, and I don’t know how to fight.
Raynor sits back, hooking his arm over the back of his chair, and smirks at me. I keep my burning-hot face down and focus on chewing.
“Because Vae is like family,” Raynor says succinctly. “And one doesn’t fuck family. Don’t you remember what Mama Maria always said? Family is off limits; don’t be dirty little heathens.”
I scowl and stab the omelet with my fork. “Is that what this is?” I mutter under my breath.
“Family.” Mal sits back and studies me. “She wants a kid.”
I pop my head up. “I didn’t say I just wanted a kid, I said I wanted all of it.”
But no one’s listening to me. Raynor is leaning forwards, his eyes fixed on me with a serious expression that makes my stomach flutter.
“The beta wants to be bred?” Deacon purrs. “It wouldn’t be too much trouble to make an exception.”
I slam my cutlery down. “I want someone who loves me!”
“I do love you!” Mal shouts back.
“But you’re not in love with me!” I shriek. “And that’s the difference. It’s all the difference!”
Raynor nods. “I see. You want your fairy tale ending? Love and happy families?”
I pick up my plate and take it to the sink, hunching my shoulders and trying to hide.
Raynor’s arms slide around me, and he presses his chest to my back. “Relax, Vae, we’re just teasing.”
I sniff, but I can’t relax; those words go round and round, tempting and teasing me. Because, yes, God help me, but I want those things, and I want them with them.
Mal doesn’t say anything, but, then again, neither does Deacon, but when I turn around, I find the latter watching me with a stare that can only be called predatory. I shiver, but despite my apprehension, there’s also an awareness because he has never looked at me like that before.
Raynor grips my wrist, dragging my palm up and kissing the centre of it. “Thank you for the food, gorgeous.”
I gape after him as he glides out of the room. My palm is tingling, tingling!
Mal casts me a long look and then follows him, but Deacon stays right where he is. Silently assessing me.
Pan’s found a new game to play, one that may very well destroy me.
“You have to remember that you love me; don’t torpedo our relationship because you’re mad at me.” I try to reach him, sending a warning that might stop this before it starts.
Deacon stands up, moving to stand right beside me. He glides a single finger down my cheek and taps my chin.
“I have never once forgotten what I feel for you, Vae. Anyway, I’m heading out. It’s been a very interesting day.”
He ducks down, and, before I can stop him, presses his lips to the corner of mine. I freeze as he slowly pulls backwards, smiling widely.
“Very illuminating. Thanks for lunch, Vae.”
I turn, watching in mute distress as he glides away. Everything in me wants to call him back, I want to run and hide. I’ve given myself away, we’re gliding too close to one of my secrets now, and the Lost Boys aren’t going to let go, no, they’ve scented blood in the water, and it’s all over.
How can I stand against them?
They know all my weaknesses.