Chapter 46 Jakob
JAKOB
My parents wanted me to come home for a while.
The doctors said I would need someone to help me for the time being and staying alone in the house wouldn’t help.
I told the doctors that I would get along just fine, that I didn’t need help, but they insisted.
According to them, it was for my own good.
But I couldn’t go home to my parents. I’d enjoyed far too much freedom since arriving in Buffalo for college.
No way could I have landed under their thumb again.
At least I would get the hell out of the hospital. I’d watched as many movies as I could watch on the TV. I’d even read a couple of books during the time when I could sit up. Still, staring at the same four walls would surely drive me mad.
More than anything, I hated that I’d heard nothing from Zane. I know we’d had our differences, but at the very least he could’ve dropped me a line, texted to ask how I was doing. I told myself that he was out of my life now and I shouldn’t worry about it.
Tying my shoes had never taken so much effort as when I prepared for discharge. I leaned down, moving ultra slowly. That’s seriously hard to accept when you consider my on-ice exploits.
When I looked up, I saw Zane filling the doorway, and I snapped to attention so quickly that I hurt myself.
“Awww, fuck!” I said, holding the back of my neck.
Zane arched his eyebrows, probably feeling like a bull in a china shop before he’d even had the chance to clear the door.
“You gonna be okay there?” he asked.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I’ve just got to get used to a reduced range of motion, at least for a little while.”
Zane’s eyes half-closed and he turned from me. I wouldn’t have had a reduced range of motion if not for him and the shot he’d delivered in the big game. He wouldn’t have delivered that shot if not for the fact that he had to act like a total hothead with a chip on his shoulder.
“Can I help you with anything?” he asked.
“Not unless you want to drop to the floor and double-knot my shoelaces.”
He crouched, eyes never leaving mine, like he actually meant to do it.
“That was a joke, Zane.”
He stood up and ran his hand down the back of his head.
“Uh, yeah, I knew that.”
If only Zane would get to the freaking point, we wouldn’t have to go through this whole song and dance. Did he really have to leave me in suspense?
I leaned back in my chair, so consumed by agony that sweat broke out on my forehead. Zane raised his hands, eyes never leaving me, like he wanted to do something to help, but had no idea what.
“I’m fine,” I said. “I’m just going to move slower for a little while.”
He dropped his hands. “That’s cool, that’s cool. Whatever you want.”
I’d never seen Zane act so submissive before, like anything I said could set him on edge. He dragged a chair from the corner of the room and sat across from me. I expected him to blather on about something—the Riptides championship victory, for example—and didn’t want to hear it.
“Why don’t you go ahead and tell me why you’re here?” I asked.
He half-shrugged. “I dunno. I would’ve thought you’d be happy to see me.”
I was but wouldn’t let on. Not yet at least.
“If you’d come to see me any later, I would’ve been gone,” I said. “You would’ve missed me.”
“Is that your way of asking me where the hell I’ve been?”
“Maybe.”
Zane glanced over his shoulder, like he’d spotted something interesting in the hall. I knew the truth, though. I’d backed him into a corner from which he couldn’t wiggle free.
I’d spent days in that hospital, waiting for the love of my life to show up and prove that he gave a damn. Only he wasn’t the love of my life anymore. We’d broken up. I still couldn’t help but just assume he would’ve been there one way or another.
“Look,” he said, “I know that you must be thinking I’m the biggest asshole in the universe.”
“Yeah, that’s definitely a starting point.”
He released a tiny laugh, like he either saw that coming or knew he deserved it. I preferred to call it both.
“I hope you understand how hard it’s been for me ever since that game,” he said. “It’s not just that I couldn’t enjoy the win with the rest of the team. I haven’t been able to eat or sleep.”
“Gee, and I thought I had it rough, laying here in traction.”
“Come on, Jakob, I know you can see how hard it is to be in my shoes, too.”
Same old Zane, right? He could find a way to minimize someone else’s pain to focus on his own. Still, I’d wanted to see him and didn’t want him to leave.
“I guess so,” I said, “but it’s not like I accused you of hurting me on purpose or anything. You didn’t, did you?”
He paused for a moment, and I hoisted one eyebrow at him.
“No, no, of course not!” he said. “What kind of guy do you think I am?”
“You really want an answer to that?”
“No, thank you.”
“Look, I didn’t know what to think at first. I wanted to think that you would never hurt me, that you were just being a competitor trying to help his team win. You’ve got to admit you got ultra-aggressive in that game.”
Zane drew a deep breath and closed his eyes. That might’ve been the first time I’d ever seen my boyfriend—ex-boyfriend—give his actions a second thought, so it felt like progress.
“I do have something to tell you,” Zane said. “That shot you took, that I gave you… it wasn’t completely accidental.”
My stomach twisted. Did he really mean what I thought?
“What, are you saying you fractured my neck on purpose?”
“No, that part of it wasn’t on purpose. And, believe me, I never would’ve done anything like that if I’d known that would be the end result.
I wanted to win and felt so desperate to prove a point to you that I became way more aggressive than I needed to be.
And that’s why I took the shot I did. I had to be the tough guy.
I had to put you in your place, I guess.
And that’s why I did what I did. I’m so sorry, Jakob. ”
Okay, now Zane looked like he was going to cry. Seriously. Not shitting you here. Zane actually cracked a little at the end of his sentence and had to throw his hands over his face.
When he removed his hands, I spotted actual tears flowing from his eyes, and not the crocodile kind either. If not for that, I wouldn’t have believed he was sorry at all. He would’ve just wanted my forgiveness to absolve whatever guilt he might’ve felt over my injury.
He sniffled a little and looked up at me.
“Did you hear that?” he asked. “I said I was sorry.”
“Yeah, I heard you. You didn’t injure my eardrums, you know.”
His eyes widened in shock like he couldn’t believe I wouldn’t forgive him that easily over what happened.
Look, forgiveness was mine to give. Zane might’ve felt sorry (maybe), but I could choose when and if I wanted to forgive him.
“I just humbled myself more than I’ve ever been humbled,” he said.
“Yeah, I know. No, wait; I do think the time I punched you out at The Colter Bay Grill was much more humbling.”
“Okay, so this would be the second most humbling experience of my life. Thank you so much for pointing that out. That’s hard for someone as seriously incredible and awesome as me. A hockey player of my caliber can only—”
I fanned my hand over my mouth in a yawning gesture.
“These pain meds are making me sleepy,” I said, “don’t mind me if I have a little snooze.”
“Can you just be serious for a moment?”
“I thought I was being serious.”
“Look, I know I’m probably the last person you want to see—”
“Actually, you’re the person I’ve been wanting to see—for days now.”
“I know, I know, cut me some slack, would you? I wouldn’t even have come here except for the fact that I love you.”
Silence intruded on us. He wanted me to take this seriously, and now I felt more serious than I had in a long time.
“Did you hear me?” he asked. “I said I love you.”
I pointed to my ears.
“Oh, right, I didn’t injure your eardrums. I forgot.”
He tossed his hands up and let them drop in surrender.
“Listen,” he said, “if you won’t accept my apology, and there’s nothing I can do for you, I’m just going to go.”
He rose from his chair, but I stopped him halfway.
“Not so fast, bub.”
“What?”
“There technically is something you can do for me… You know, if you think you’re man enough for it.”
“Seriously?”
The way he rubbed his hands together made him look like a praying mantis.
“Not like that,” I said. “It’ll be a while before I’m ready to get funky with anyone again. The doctors have said I’ll need someone to help me at home, though. My parents want me to come back and live with them for a while, but I fucking hate that idea.”
“So, what are you saying? You want me to be your slave or something?”
“I didn’t say slave.”
“Servant then?”
“You’re the one that wants forgiveness so badly. And I wouldn’t be in this situation if it weren’t for you. I figure it’s the least you can do.”
“Okay, fine. I’ll do it.”
“Great. You’ll love it when we get to the sponge baths.”