22. Chapter 22
Chapter twenty-two
Ryan
Y ou made it easy when you chose Hadley.
Those words of hers have carved themselves a cozy little nest in the forefront of my brain and will live there till the day I’m no longer on this earth. Maybe even beyond that.
Seeing Aspen working at the Silver Stiletto did something to my soul. I’m the one that put her in that position. Me. And I’m the one that has to fix it. Somehow.
I miss her. Every damn day.
Day is creeping towards dusk when I get home. Although calling it home isn’t right. It’s an empty shell of a place where I exist.
I should get a dog. Then I won’t be so alone. Not that a dog can ever replace Aspen, but she loves animals, so maybe it will make me feel closer to her.
For the millionth time, I curse myself for a fool.
A dog might be good company while spending hours in my car every night. Despite what Aspen said, I still don’t think it’s safe for her to work there.
It took a lot to convince Carter to let me know when she’s working a shift. He argued that it would be betraying her, but finally relented when I managed to convince him I was only doing it out of concern for her safety, and that she’d never know I was there.
And I kept true to my word, waiting for her to finish her shift and then following her home at a safe distance. How she hasn’t noticed is beyond me, and I’m torn between telling Carter that he needs to have a talk with her about being more observant when driving and keeping quiet. I don’t want to shoot myself in the foot. I don’t want her to find out I’m doing this. Ever. She’ll most probably rip my balls off if she does.
I’m so damn tired and covered in paint, but the image of Aspen scurrying to her car while clutching her coat tight around her has me pulling back my shoulders. These late nights are messing with me, and I don’t know how she keeps going. At least I can sleep in, but she doesn’t have that luxury. She has to get up early to go to her job at the clinic.
Yesterday I came across some paint swatches that she left behind, bringing to mind a conversation we had. She agonized over which color to paint the reception area. It had to be warm and inviting, putting people at ease. The heart of the rescue. It took a week for her to decide on a color. That’s how important it was to her.
So when the paint shop opened, I was there, buying the color she had her heart set on. Lucky for me, I found the door to the reception area unlocked. Most probably because the room is just an empty shell with nothing to steal. I’ll have to talk to Carter, though. Vandalism is a thing. To say it doesn’t hurt to use Carter as a middleman is an understatement.
My heart ached when I took a walk around the place before I started painting, taking in everything she’s done so far.
I’m so damn proud of what she’s achieved with her limited budget. I know she says we’re not together anymore, but in my heart we still are, and I’ll do anything I can to make her life easier.
After my shower, I pad to the kitchen, toweling my hair, my stomach growling with hunger. I raced out this morning without breakfast, and I got so tangled up in painting that I didn’t stop for a break.
My heart drops to my stomach when I see someone standing in the kitchen, and for one sweet, sweet second, I think it’s Aspen, and everything rights in my world. But then I take in the red hair, and my fury rises, eclipsing the shine of her hair.
“What are you doing here? In my house,” I grind out, clenching the towel in my hands.
Hadley takes her time answering, her eyes taking in my sweatpants, hanging low on my hips, and gliding up my naked torso before meeting my eyes.
She doesn’t bother hiding the longing on her face, and…I’m repulsed. For the first time in my life, Hadley repulses me. How did I not see the way she looked at me before?
Because you weren’t looking, you idiot. You trusted her. Blindly. Or she was just that good at hiding it. Squashing the urge to put on a shirt, I glare at her instead.
“I said, what are you doing here?”
“I had to come back for the reading of the Will. Do you know he didn’t leave me anything? Just a crappy figurine of a woman holding a duck, and a worthless coin collection,” she says, her bottom lip quivering. “He left everything—”
“I’m not interested,” I cut her off. I’m sure it hurts. Her parents were loaded. But I don’t give a flying fuck. Not anymore. “And it doesn’t explain what you’re doing here. In my house. I thought I made myself quite clear before I left.”
“ I want to apologize,” she whispers, dropping her eyes to the ground.
“Still not interested.”
I can’t forgive her, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to. She played me. She played Aspen, and she took everything I’ve ever done and felt for her and used it to hurt the most precious person in my life. And I allowed her to, too blinded by my loyalty. Stupid. And for that, I’ll never forgive myself either.
“Please, Ryan,” she pleads. “I love you. I have always loved you. Can you truly blame me for what I did? Wars don’t get won by playing fair. You do whatever you have to, to win. And that’s what I did. I went to war for your heart. Doesn’t that mean anything to you? Doesn’t that show you how much I love you?”
Temper finally snapping, I advance on her. “You betrayed me!” I roar, slamming my fist against my chest. “After everything I’ve done for you, you turn around and betray me. You don’t do that to a person you say you love.”
Breathing heavily, we engage in a stare-down.
“You know, I had a lot of time to think and reflect on the flight back. It’s funny how a person’s perception of a situation changes when you look at it through the lens of truth. Times I thought you were having my back weren’t like that at all. It was you manipulating me to get what you wanted. It’s always been me. Me sacrificing for you.”
“That’s not true.” If stubborn had a name, it would be Hadley.
“Yeah? And what have you ever done for me?”
I wait a few beats, but she keeps her lips pressed together.
“That’s what I thought. Remember when I invited Elena to that school dance? I had the hugest crush on her. Remember how excited I was when she said yes? Well, half an hour before the dance you called me, distraught about something or the other, I can’t even remember what, and what did poor schmuck Ryan do?” I pound on my chest again, not waiting for her to answer. “Stood up Elena to be there for his friend and completely blowing any chance I might have had with her. I’ll bet every last dime I have that you made something up to stop me from going,” I hiss.
“Now you’re just being cruel,” she whispers. “She wasn’t good enough for you.”
“Because she wasn’t you, right?” I chuckle mirthlessly, running my hand through my hair. “That’s just one instance,” I mutter, cursing myself for being such a fool. “You never had my heart, Hadley, not like that.” I can’t keep my frustration and hurt from erupting again. “What you did have was my loyalty and my friendship, and now you don’t even have that.”
She’s shaking her head, denying my words, and all I want is to have her gone.
“Hadley. Just leave.”
“I got in this morning. I don’t have anywhere to stay. Is it still okay if I sleep in the apartment?”
I gape at her. Literally gape. I’m sure if I was staring at myself in a mirror, I’d see my mouth hanging open. “Fuck no. I don’t ever want to see you again. Tell me you get that?”
“Where am I supposed to go?”
“Anywhere that’s not here.” Grinding my jaw, I turn my back to her and walk to the door, holding it open.
“Ryan, please,” she begs, a tear rolling down her cheek, but I’m unmoved. She’s trying to manipulate me again, but now it’s so obvious I can’t believe I ever fell for it. Did I ever really know her? War and hurt rage in my heart as I silently watch her leave. Deception is a bitter pill to swallow.
There’s a knock on my door not long after Hadley left. I made sure to lock it. It’s not something I’ve ever done, due to crime in our little town being almost nonexistent, but it felt good. I decided I was always going to keep it locked. Can’t have her pitching up unannounced and walking in like she owns this place. I’ve been so engrossed in my pity party for one that I didn’t hear a car pull up. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s back. Why can’t she get the message?
Unlocking the door, I yank it open, ready to give Hadley hell, but freeze when I see it’s Aspen. My heart catapults straight out of my chest and gets lodged somewhere in my throat, strangling my ability to speak. But my eyes do all my talking for me. They’re greedy as they roam her body, drinking her in. Acting like I’ve been put on a diet against my will, and I’m finally allowed to eat whatever I want at an all-you-can-eat buffet.
“Come in,” I breathe, stepping aside and holding the door open. Fuck, now I’m regretting locking it. What if she thinks I did that to keep her out? Damn, my emotions are all over the place today.
My heart drops when she gives a vigorous shake of her head, and what my eyes missed sinks in. Rigid body, stiff shoulders, and holy fuck, fury like I’ve never seen on her face, burning in her eyes.
“What?” I ask carefully, wondering what the hell I did to enrage her this much. But I can’t think of anything. Unless Hadley… Immediately, my confusion turns to anger. For her. Concern. For her.
“I’ve just come from the rescue,” she grinds out, making my anger turn back to confusion.
“Please come in, Aspen. We can talk about it inside.” Where you belong.
“No,” she spits. “What I have to say will be real quick. First, it was my work, and now the rescue. I don’t know what you’re trying to do, and I can’t stop you from going to my work, but the rescue is mine. Stay away from it. We’re done. We’re over. What about that is so hard to understand?”
“I was just trying—” I try to defend myself, but stop when she practically shoves her palm in my face.
“I don’t care what you were trying to do. The rescue is mine. My happy place. A place I can go to, to forget about all the other shit in my life. The last thing I want is to be reminded of you when I’m there. I don’t want to look at a wall and think, ‘Oh, Ryan painted that. Remember Ryan? The guy that screwed you over?’ When I’m there, I want to forget about you.”
Meaning that I’m the shit in her life she wants to forget. My shoulders slump, and I swallow heavily, trying to think of something I can say to make this better. But she doesn’t give me a chance.
“Am I getting through to you at all?” she demands, and I can only nod. “Good. Then, stay away.”
“Mom,” I call, slamming the door behind me.
“In the kitchen. And don’t slam the door!” she yells, making me smile despite the yawning pit where my heart used to be. I must have heard those words a thousand times growing up.
“This is a surprise,” she says, giving me a peck on my cheek. “Is Aspen with you?”
It takes all I have to keep my face neutral, but somehow I manage it, shaking my head. Frowning, she murmurs, “I haven’t seen her since the funeral. There was so much to do that I didn’t get a chance to talk to her. I should give her a call.”
No, you shouldn’t. Seeing that she wants to forget about the shit in her life. Fuck, this conversation is going to be hard. Mom and Dad love Aspen, and despite not being asked, they gave their approval anyway.
“We’ve already had dinner, but there are leftovers. Sit. I’ll make you a plate.”
“Thank you, but I’m not hungry,” I mutter, slumping down on a bar stool. Just the thought of food makes me ill.
“Since when aren’t you hungry?”
Since I got my heart broken. I don’t say that though, shrugging instead.
“Okay. What’s wrong? You never turn down food.” Coming around the counter, she presses the back of her hand against my forehead, eying me with concern.
I shrug again, words stuck in my throat. How do you tell your mom that she raised an idiot?
“You’re not running a fever. Are you feeling okay?”
“I’m not sick,” I lie. Because I am sick. I’m heartsick.
“I thought I heard your voice,” Dad says, walking into the kitchen.
“Ryan’s sick.”
“I’m not sick,” I say again.
“Look at the circles under his eyes. I don’t know why I didn’t see it when you walked in. Are you not getting enough sleep?” Rolling my eyes, I pull my head away from her hands because, damn, I’m a grown man and I’ll deny enjoying Mom’s fussing until my dying day.
I squirm when Dad’s eyes catch mine, and his face falls into a frown. He’s way too perceptive. His years as a lawyer had taught him to pick up on subtle cues, such as body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions. Which made life for me and Rose…interesting growing up. There wasn’t much we could get away with, so we had to get creative at times.
“I think we need to have a discussion in the drawing room.”
My heart sinks. That’s Dad speak for shit’s about to get real. I don’t know why my parents call it a “drawing room,” but that’s where all our serious conversations happened. Where they imparted all major life advice and where our punishments were handed out. I know I need to have this conversation with them because I don’t know what to do, and I’m at the point where I want someone to tell me what I can do to make things right. And who better than my parents, who have been happily married for longer than I’ve been alive? It doesn’t make admitting things easier, though.
“What’s going on, Ryan?” Mom asks once we’re seated.
Dad doesn’t say anything, silently peering at me over his glasses. He knows I’ll speak when I’m ready.
Toying with the tassel on the armrest cover, I finally just blurt it out.
“Aspen broke up with me.”
“What? Why?” Mom says, sitting up and going into protective mode.
“Because I deserved it.” I try my best, but I can’t stop the wobble in my voice. Blinking rapidly, I stare blankly at the wall while I describe everything to them in detail, laying all my sins bare. Everything but the one huge thing I know will hurt them.
When I’m done, and I finally dare to meet their eyes, Mom’s staring at me, her mouth slightly ajar. It takes her a few moments to collect herself.
“I knew you were going on holiday and I just assumed Aspen was going with you.”
I shake my head because there’s nothing I can say.
“I don’t know what to say, except for what were you thinking? Why would you do that?”
“Obviously I wasn’t thinking,” I mutter, looking down in shame. “There’s more,” I say, taking a deep breath. “When we were in college, Hadley and I got married.”
I close my eyes, hunching my shoulders, and Mom doesn’t disappoint.
“You are married?” she cries, and I shudder at the faint note of hysteria in her voice. Yep, this is going as well as I thought it would.
“Not anymore. We divorced.”
“You divorced?”
I nod, wincing at the piercing tone in her voice. “It didn’t take me long to realize it was a mistake, but by then it was too late and I felt stuck.”
“Charles, he’s your son. Talk to him. I just…can’t.”
“I messed up. I get it, okay? What’s worse is that I never told Aspen about it. Hadley was the one who told her. I thought it was in the past and that it didn’t matter, but I see now that it was wrong of me. I need advice on how I can dig myself out of this mess.”
“That poor girl,” Mom chokes out around a sob. “I can’t believe you’d go and get married and hide it from me. Charles, don’t just sit there. Talk to him.”
“It was right after her mom died, and I didn’t tell you because I knew you wouldn’t approve.”
“You’re damn right we wouldn’t have approved. Tell him, Charles.”
Dad shoots her an exasperated look before he takes his glasses off, folding them up and placing them on the coffee table. He rubs his face, blowing out a deep breath.
“I blame myself,” he says, giving me an apologetic look.
“What?” Mom and I echo each other. This wasn’t what I was expecting. At all.
“I should never have told you about Hadley’s conception.”
“You told him?” Mom asks, aghast. “What were you thinking?”
“At the time, I thought he needed to know. Secrets always have a way of coming out, and I wanted him to be there for her if it did. But I was wrong. I should never have put that on your shoulders, and for that, I’m sorry.”
It’s not often you hear a parent say they’re wrong and apologize, and maybe he was wrong in telling me, but I can’t hold him responsible for my actions. They are all my own.
“You didn’t make me marry Hadley. It’s not your fault I made all the mistakes I did.”
“You’re right, I didn’t, but I think you did them because you’ve always felt responsible for Hadley’s happiness. And I compounded it by disclosing something I shouldn’t have.”
Closing my eyes, I try to swallow past the lump in my throat. I was always there for her; always putting her needs before mine. And then she betrayed me. I gave her the power to betray me. It leaves a bitter, bitter taste in my mouth.
“My boy,” Mom croons, her arms wrapping around me. “And before you complain, you’ll always be my boy.”
“I don’t know what to do, Mom. Aspen wants nothing to do with me, but I can’t lose her. I love her.”
“Then you fight for her,” Dad says, pressing his lips together. “Nothing worth having in this life comes without a fight.”