24. Chapter 24
Chapter twenty-four
Aspen
R yan: I miss the little things. The things I took for granted. Your sleepy smile. The way you laughed at my stupid jokes. The way you teased me. Closing my eyes and knowing you’ll be there in the morning. But the thing I miss the most is you loving me. Sometimes life gives me a reprieve, and there’ll be a minute where I forget I lost you. But it’s not a reprieve, it’s torture. Because when I remember, it hurts so bad, I can’t breathe.
Ever since that night at Frosty’s, I’ve been waking up to a message from Ryan every morning. I never reply, but I can’t stop myself from reading them over and over.
My heart keeps whispering that it’s okay. That it’s okay to miss him. That untangling a relationship takes time and quitting him cold turkey will be more than I’m able to bear. But my mind keeps yelling that my heart is fragile and can’t be trusted to make decisions. That I need to block him to protect my heart. I agree with my mind. My heart is hurting and can’t be trusted, but knowing something and doing it are two different things.
I’m tired, but I’m smiling—sort of. Financially, things are looking up. Another few months and I can quit working at the Silver Stiletto. Working there isn’t too bad—if I pretend hard enough that I don’t see the way strange eyes linger on my ass and boobs—but I don’t think I can keep up with two jobs indefinitely. I would if I had to, but I miss the days of finishing work at the clinic, knowing that my day is done. I miss having any sort of life besides work.
There comes a time in life when you have to be honest with yourself. And I did just that, by admitting to myself that I kept plugging away at my degree for the wrong reasons. So for now, I’m letting it go. I don’t have the time, energy, or money for it. Who knows, in the future, I might pick it back up again.
Carter said that I don’t need to hurry, but I want my own place. One where I don’t have to share with anyone. One where I can lick my wounds in privacy and don’t have to muffle my sobs in my pillow when missing Ryan gets too much.
Because there’s still a huge, gaping hole in my heart, and no matter how much I try shoveling things in it to fill it, it’s stubborn. It keeps whispering that I’m shoveling the wrong things.
I realized something after our night at Frosty’s. That driving anger I felt has shifted to sadness and disappointment. And somehow, that’s worse. With anger fueling everything I did, I felt like a swimmer, determined to reach the shore and out swimming a current trying to drag me under.
Now it feels like I’m just floating in place, allowing that current to impose its will on me. I want that anger back because anger gives you strength, and I need all the strength I can get right now.
The way Ryan cut Hadley down in front of everyone was a real eye-opener. He’s typically not a mean person, preferring to be the voice of reason in heated or difficult situations, so the way he treated her spoke volumes. He wasn’t lying when he said he didn’t love her.
But does that make things better or worse?
If he loves me like he says he does, shouldn’t I come first? Shouldn’t he have protected our relationship above all else?
Since Hadley arrived, he didn’t put me or us first. Not even once. The ease with which he allowed her to come between us makes me think he might love me, just not enough. And it’s so damn confusing. How he treated me and how he talked about our future made me believe we were on the same page.
Now, I'm left questioning everything, feeling like I've lost not only our future but also our past because it didn’t happen the way I thought it did. He didn’t love me the way I thought he did. It’s a bitter pill to swallow, admitting to yourself that you love someone more than they love you.
Shaking my head, I push those feelings of inadequacy down. Or I try to, but my mind is like a relentless beast circling injured prey, and I continually have to guard against these feelings trying to beat me down.
Having a night off nowadays is rare and Carter doesn’t have plans tonight, so I’m cooking and after that, I’m planning a long soak in the tub.
I’m in the mood for comfort food tonight—I want to eat my feelings—so I grab a slab of Hershey’s and a pack of M it's actions that matter, and his actions negate all his declarations. My resentment that’s died down to a simmer flares at his words.
“Where was this all-consuming love when you lied to me? When you pushed me to the side? When you spent nights in her bed? When you left to go on holiday with her?”
“I’ve told you that nothing happened,” he cries in frustration.
“It doesn’t matter that nothing happened. I’ve explained this to you. I was hurting, too. Our relationship was on the brink of collapse and instead of putting your energy into fixing us, you chose her.”
“I thought I was doing the right thing.”
“Right for Hadley. Not for me. Since she walked back into your life, you did everything right for Hadley, even if it hurt me. I know she’s one of your closest friends—”
“Was,” he interrupts me. “Now she’s nothing to me.”
I sigh, my shoulders slumping in defeat. “Ryan. We’ve said all this. We’re just going in circles and it’s getting us nowhere.” I take a deep breath and square my shoulders. “Nothing can change what happened. It’s done. It’s over. Sometimes love just isn’t enough.”
My heart aches, desperately trying to scoop back my words, but it’s too late, and all it can do is cry its misery with the tears rolling down my cheeks.
“I don’t want anyone else.”
Shrugging, I try to swallow the lump in my throat. Me neither, but we can’t always get what we want.