Chapter 4 – David
Stopping outside Richard’s office, I turn, ready to storm back in, push Richard over that desk of his, and prove to him that he’s wrong.
That he does love me. Love’s what we have or had.
That we can have it again. Make him change his mind.
But I don’t. I know I brought this all on myself.
When we were watching Vincent and Lars get engaged, and he asked if I thought that could have been us, the yes was on the tip of my tongue, but it was a no that came out of my mouth.
I’d seen the hurt in his eyes. I knew the pain I’d caused him in that second.
When he turned up at my door, I couldn’t believe it.
Then he stayed and we had sex. Well, it was amazing.
Confirmed what I have been denying, what I hadn’t allowed myself to believe, that I wanted Richard.
Wanted what we had before. For months I followed his lead.
Agreed that we should only be friends. That us, together, was a bad idea.
But I was wrong. Now, too much time has passed. I should have fought for us sooner.
I have a month. A month to figure out a plan to get back into Richard’s life. To prove to him that we’re good together. Show him that he, like me, is lying to himself. That deep down he loves me and wants me, and we can get back what we had, and it will be so much better than before.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Vincent asks. “You know how much these cars cost.”
I can see that Vincent is trying to reign in his anger, and I don’t blame him. If I had just cost the teams millions, I would be pissed, too. But I have no idea how I can tell him what is going on with me.
“I miscalculated the turn,” I explain, hoping that will be enough, but knowing it won’t.
“Miscalculated. That’s what you’re going with?
You miscalculated. You locked up and went headfirst into a barrier.
Forget about the car, you could have hurt yourself,” Vincent replies, like I needed a reminder of the crash that I had in qualifying, leaving me at the bottom of the racing pack.
“I have no idea what the fuck is wrong with you, but your head has been up your ass all weekend. So whatever it is, sort it out for tomorrow. You have a lot of ground to make up.”
In all my years of racing, I don’t think I’ve ever experienced Vincent this upset with me, but then, I very rarely make stupid mistakes that lead me to crashing cars.
It’s something about my career I’ve been proud of that you can count on one hand how many cars I’ve crashed.
But I know where my head is. It’s back in England, at HQ, with Richard.
I find myself wondering what he’s doing, picking up my mobile to text him.
To ask him if he’s missing me as much as I’m missing him.
“Ignore Vincent,” Lars states, coming over to me.
“He’s right, though.”
“Maybe, but are you okay? You did hit the barrier with some force.”
“Yeah, I’m okay. I think I’m more annoyed than anything. I have no idea what came over me.”
“I do,” Lars replies, giving me a smile.
“Care to explain?”
Lars is a good guy, but we’re not what people would call close.
We have the odd drink together, and do publicity etc, but he is still my competition.
He took my number one seat from me, even though it was deserved.
And that still stings a little, but it’s something that happens often in racing teams.
“Do you remember my crash at Spa?”
“Yeah.” I’m wondering where this is going.
“That was my fault. Vincent and I were, well, you know, being stupid, and I got distracted. I was in the car and all I could think of was him. So, I miscalculated.”
“You?” And I don’t miss that he used the same wording as me when I was explaining what happened to Vincent.
“Me. You just crashed into a barrier, damaged the front end. I totaled a car.”
“We were told it was the brakes.”
“Yep, and the team will be told the same about your crash, that it was mechanical, not mental. Don’t get me wrong, the engineers know Vincent is talking shit, but the press doesn’t.”
Lars stops talking for a moment and looks over to me. There is a kindness he is expressing, that he’s never really shown me before, and I’m not sure how I’m supposed to respond.
“Look, David. I know that we’re supposed to be rivals, but we’re not like other teams. We get on. Yes, not close, but I would like to change that. I think we could be better drivers if we actually worked as a team.”
“Does this mean you will let me pass you on the racetrack?” I tease, trying to change the subject.
“No, on the racetrack, you’re on your own, unless the team orders it of course.” Lars stops talking to look at me, again. “Friends?” he asks, and holds out his hand.
“Really, Lars?” I respond, but shake his hand all the same.
“So, who is she?” Lars then asks.
“Excuse me?”
“The girl that’s got you so distracted that you drove yourself into a wall. Told you, I know.” Lars smiles over to me.
“Honestly it’s no one,” I reply.
“Yeah, I remember saying that too. So, bullshit, but I will say bravo, also.”
“Bravo?”
“Because, whoever she is, you’ve managed to keep her well hidden. I haven’t even heard anything in the press about possible links with anyone.”
“I think I remember you and Vincent managing to do the same,” I retort back.
“Yeah, but the crew knew, even you were in on that. But not with you. Have you kept her locked up somewhere, all dressed in leather, awaiting your return?”
I burst out laughing at his words, and I can see that he’s smiling, too. The shit did it on purpose to try and get me to relax. “Leather, really? Does Vincent know that you have this weird fetish?”
“Vincent knows everything about me and is more than satisfied, thank you.”
“No. I do not need to know that. Vincent’s my boss, eww.”
Lars is laughing hard, but manages to get out, “You started it.”
“You mentioned leather first. Not me.”
“Shit, I’ve got it. She’s some kind of princess. You are like Prince Albert of Monaco but in reverse. You’re the commoner.”
“Lars, seriously, have you always been like this?” But I don’t think Lars is listening to me. His head is in some fantasy land somewhere.
“The family disapproves, don’t they? That’s why you can’t say anything.”
“Lars, there isn’t a princess. There isn’t anyone.”
“Oh, there is. I can tell. You’re acting the same as me. Come on, tell me. I promise not to tell anyone, including Vincent. Oh, is she the daughter of Sheikha of Qatar? Is that why we can race there? You pulled some strings.”
“Lars…” But I don’t think he’s listening to me. His head is in some fantasy, it’s quite comical to watch.
“Will you be able to knight me? Sir Lars has a nice ring to it.”
“Lars, there isn’t a princess, and I’m not going to knight you.” But he still isn’t paying me any attention. “Lars, I’m gay.”
The words fall out of my mouth completely unaided. This was not how I planned to come out, but I couldn’t listen to him anymore.
“Excuse me?” Lars asks, and I can see the sceptical look on his face, “you’re kidding, right?”
“Look, I know I’m asking a lot, but could you not say anything to Vincent? I’m not ready for everyone to know.”
“Holy shit, you are serious!” Lars exclaims, and before I even register it, Lars is pulling me into a bear hug before bursting out laughing.
“What?” I ask, wondering why he’s now laughing again.
“You really are a better driver than me. You even crash better than me, over a man.” And I can see the humour. “So, do you want to talk about it? Did he want to come out and you’re not ready? I’m guessing he isn’t in the industry.”
Shit. I have no idea how I’m going to be able to answer this question.
“It’s been over for a while, but he just turned back up in my life, when I didn’t expect it.” Which is virtually the truth.
“And what, he wants to pick up where you left off?”
“The opposite. I do, and he doesn’t, but then, we slept together.”
“He sounds like a dick who is leading you on,” Lars states. “Either he wants you or he doesn’t. He can’t say no and then sleep with you.”
“I think he’s just protecting himself,” I say.
“It sounds like you’re making excuses for him. But listen to me. Don’t let him affect your driving. He’s not worth your worry this weekend. In fact, go out there and show him just how good you are. Get the limelight. Let’s race, my friend, and have some fun.”
“Vincent won’t be happy with us.”
“You leave Vincent to me. We can have some fun tomorrow. Just promise to bring your game head, and of course, let me win.”
“Care to explain what was going on out there today?” Vincent demands, looking at us, but I see he’s trying hard not to smile. We’re in one of the team offices upstairs. Somewhere away from the rest of the team, but more importantly, the press.
“Don’t know what you mean, baby!” Lars replies, looking over to me, and giving me a wink.
“Don’t ‘baby’ me, Lars,” Vincent shouts back, but his smile breaks through.
The race was amazing. Lars and I raced each other, pushed each other, and at the last second, I managed to beat Lars to the pole, getting the much needed twenty-five points, but Lars got the bonus point for the fastest lap.
“You two were racing each other. Care to tell me why?”
“It was race day,” Lars says, while shrugging his shoulders like this was the most straightforward answer.
“You’re a smart arse,” Vincent tells him.
“One of the many reasons you love me.”
The sound of Vincent’s mobile ringing stops the conversation as he pulls it out of his pocket, shooting us a look before answering, and walking away.
“Are you going to get it later?” I ask over to Lars.
“Nah, he’ll try to push me on what’s going on, but it’s good. I can tell he liked the way we raced today, and it was fun.”
“It was.”
“Has the dick been in contact?” Lars asks, looking over to me.
“No.”
“He really isn’t part of the industry, is he? I noticed you didn’t answer me when I asked.”
“What makes you say that?”