Chapter 19
NINETEEN
Rhea’s hovering energy was enamoring. I anticipated her voice in my right ear every few seconds.
“Are you okay?” She asked again.
Nodding, I rubbed her leg. “Yes, baby. I’m fine.”
Chem’s gaze was inescapable. It pierced my heart. So did he. I clung to every second of his presence. Unless in St. Catana, his home, it was elusive. One blink and you’d miss him. His smile. His voice. His wisdom. His words. His scent.
I love you, I mouthed.
In every lifetime, baby. He returned.
Empty dinner plates rounded the table meant for a family of twenty.
We were growing steadily. Rapidly. And, beautifully.
I was honored to add to the Childers’ legacy.
Someday soon, I will have birthed two precious beings and begun to teach them the same morals, concepts, and lessons I’d been taught.
“I’m going to get Izzy and Psong down for the night. I will catch up with you all later.”
As the words left my mother’s mouth, a yawn left mine. I wasn’t ready to call it a night. However, my body was slowly shutting down.
“Range, get some rest, sweetie. You’re barely holding up.”
“Yes, ma’am.” I chuckled, eyelids heavy.
égée’s head lifted and fell as I breathed. He was sound asleep against my chest, unwilling to move, no matter how much his parents wanted him to.
“I’ll take him,” Egypt offered.
I held up my right hand.
“Let him sleep.”
I lowered my mouth, kissing his forehead. My precious baby was no burden. His handsome face made me wonder if he was more of Teddy or his mother. The verdict was still out.
“You’re near sleep yourself,” Rather claimed.
Sighing, I countered. “I’ll be fine. I’m sure his parents could use the break. He can come over to my place and stay the night.”
“Unless you’re lactating already, you will not like that idea.”
I closed my eyes, remembering égée was still breastfeeding.
“I completely forgot.”
For the first time, I questioned motherhood and how my journey would look.
Egypt and Chem had such calm, gentle babies.
They made you want more. I couldn’t help but wonder if these moments would resemble the ones I’d share with my children and if their temperaments would be the same as my nieces and nephews'.
Chemistry Jru.
égée.
Psalem.
Psong.
Izzy Rae.
They were all pleasurable. Tolerable. Quiet. Cozy. And, restful. I’d imagined it stemmed from the time they spent with Rhea. She was their main caregiver. However, Izzy wasn’t in St. Catana with our mother. She was miles and miles away. Yet, she was just like her cousins.
I wrapped my arms around my sweet little baby. The unwavering void I felt upon landing dissolved with him in my hands. Selfishly, I didn’t want to release him to his parents.
“Ahhhhhh.”
Another yawn ripped through me. My eyes watered, but I didn’t miss Teddy’s long stature rising. Quietly, he made his way to my side of the table.
égée was stolen from my hands. My heart was crushed. But, just as it had broken, the small amber vial he was replaced with pieced me back together.
“Go home, Range. You need your rest.”
I didn’t debate. It was useless. Chem wouldn’t repeat himself. Neither would he go back and forth with me.
“Well, ladies. It’s been nice. The sheriff of this town says I have to go to sleep.”
I picked up my empty plate and was immediately chastised by a hand to the wrist.
“We’ve got it.”
“I’ll clean the table,” Roaman offered.
“I’ll help,” Rome agreed.
Egypt raised from her seat.
“I’ll walk you down.”
“I think I can ma–”
The shake of Chemistry’s head let me know I didn’t have a choice in the matter. I stepped around the table, understanding how this pregnancy would progress.
“Helicopters all around me, huh?”
“You’re carrying twins, Range. How could you blame us?” Royce asked.
Shrugging, I pulled the fabric of my dress toward my body, making sure it wasn’t caught up on my chair before moving toward the door.
“No. I can’t, I guess.”
Egypt waited near the foyer, hands collapsed by her side.
Muah.
Muah.
Muah.
Muah.
I kissed every cheek around the table.
Muah.
Muah.
Teddy tried freeing himself from my wrath. He didn’t get far. With his sleeping son in his hand, the one he’d promised our father, I pulled his face toward me. Even with scrunched skin and a low grunt of protest, I managed to plant a big one on the side of his face.
“Muah!”
“Goodnight, Range,” he forced out.
“Goodnight, Teddy.”
I loosened my grip and headed in the opposite direction. It was as frightening as it was fascinating, watching my transition unfold. It was obvious that I wouldn’t be the same woman anymore. And though I loved who I’d been, I was deeply rooted in who I was to become.
The sea swayed calmly in the background. I would never get enough of nature’s stereo. St. Catana had been my soundtrack for two summers. I held my hand out, catching the breeze through my fingers.
“You’re almost there,” Egypt said to me, barely above a whisper.
“Almost where?”
“To the point of happiness that is accompanied by sweet oblivion. To the point of no return. To the point of life that you will always fight for. To the place where nothing and no one else matters but the things and people you’ve created.
You’re almost there. I can feel it. Your energy is different.
The shift is happening. And that makes me so happy for you. ”
“How’d you do it?” I blurted, chest inflated and heart on the tips of my fingers.
“How’d I do what?”
“How’d you wait? On him? During his incarceration?”
Tittering, Egypt shook her head.
“Who said I waited, Range?”
“You had to. You had to have known he’d return. You know my brother well.”
She nodded.
“I do. I did even then. And, though I’ve never said this aloud -I don’t recall- I did wait.
And the wait was excruciating. Sometimes I thought he’d never come.
Other times, when I looked in CJ’s eyes, I knew he had no choice.
Because he’d never let another man raise his daughter.
Chemistry would never let another man find comfort in my home.
We’d know no peace. So, since no one else could do it.
He had to. That meant him coming home to us. It didn’t matter how.”
“Did you feel any guilt for his incarceration?”
“Immense guilt. I still do. That day, I tried dismissing myself from the case. My superiors were expecting it. They knew I’d fallen for Chemistry.
And they knew I’d compromise their case if they made me aware of their plans.
They knew I would warn him. And they knew I’d likely run very far with him.
He had the resources. It was no secret.”
“Would you?”
“Have left everything behind and run with him?”
“Yes?”
“In a heartbeat, Range. Most might look at the circumstances and paint an awful picture of me, but I was only doing my job. Beyond the badge, I was human. And, my human heart fell so damn violently in love with Chemistry that I knew if they took him away, I would cry myself an ocean.
“I would never forgive myself. And, I would never repair from the damage. I was suicidal when it all happened. I couldn’t live with what I’d done.
It was Jru’s life that kept mine intact.
And, it was the idea of hurting Chemistry any more than I already had that kept me from pulling the trigger several nights.
He’d lost his freedom. He’d lost his father.
“He’d lost precious time during the pregnancy of his first child. He’d lost enough. I couldn’t burden him with that pain, too.”
“Sometimes I feel foolish, you know? For falling for Josiah. But, in the same breath, I feel favored.”
“Your feelings aren’t invalid. Foolishness or favor.
That’s love, sometimes, Range. It’s the same love I have for Chemistry.
I don’t wake up all smiles, even in paradise.
Sometimes I wonder if giving up everything was the right choice.
Or if I was being foolish. But, just as quickly, I think of life without him.
Without our children. Without St. Catana.
And, truthfully, I’d be miserable. I’d be a mess.
Chemistry loves me. He loves me wholly. Not part of me.
Not parts of me. So, I know that I’m favored, foolishly or not. Can you say the same about Josiah?”
“Well,” I sighed, kissing the skin of my teeth. “We barely have a few months in.”
“I barely had any time with Chemistry before this all happened. Time isn’t a measurement of love.
Neither is closeness or blood or any of those things the world wants you to believe factors into the equation.
There are couples who have been together for four decades or more and have nothing but history between them.
“There’s no love. Just tolerance and familiarity and the fear of disrupting their comfort.
Their homes are silent. Their minds are cluttered.
They’re numb. Don’t feel a thing. Don’t see a thing.
Don’t hear a thing. So, never let time determine where you should be in any relationship.
I hardly knew your brother for a full two hours before I’d claimed him and allowed him to claim me as his forever.
“No matter the circumstances. And when the time came to prove just how unconditional his love was for me, he didn’t hesitate to do so. No matter what anyone else thought. No matter what anyone else said. No matter how anyone else felt.”
I digested Egypt’s words as the waves played in the background. Each time I opened my mouth to speak, I was bombarded with emotions. The good kind. The necessary kind to remember who I was and that I didn’t choose with only my heart. I chose with my head, too.
Nothing more needed to be said. Egypt had simplified what I believed to be a complicated situation. It wasn’t. I’d seen it play out right before my eyes. So had Chem.
Two weeks in St. Catana felt too much like two days. It was brimming with life. Responsibilities were few and far apart. Simplicity was the way of this sacred world. I admired how uncomplicated things were here.