23. Charlotte
Three Months Ago
It was important for me to be my best every day, no matter how exhausted or busy I was. If I wasn’t, then there was every possibility of something happening.
I was just a dead girl walking.
If Adam got home and the house wasn’t spotless or Theo wasn’t behaving, I would be to blame. No matter what, it was always my fault.
If the house was messy then I was lazy.
If Theo was naughty then I was a bad mother.
If I didn’t hang on Adams every word and command then I was a bad partner.
I just wasn’t good enough.
When you live every day in survival mode, you start to lose yourself. There were so many things that I loved to do that were now lost to the past.
Adam didn’t like it when I went out, he thinks I’m lying about where I am going. About a year ago, he installed cameras outside of our house. He wanted to see when I was coming or going and what I was wearing. If I was leaving the house without prior discussion, my phone would be ringing, asking about my whereabouts. If the outfit I wore wasn’t suitable in his eyes, he’d be calling me to tell me to change.
I know the question on people’s mind, if they knew, would be why was I still here. Sometimes I told myself it was because Theo needed a father. Adam could be a good man when he wanted to. He never laid a hand on Theo, but sometimes I wondered if he would turn on him, too. Adam used to be lovely and kind to me once. Occasionally, he still was.
On the days after an argument or fight, he would bring me dinner and flowers, telling me how sorry he was. How it would never happen again. He would kiss me and take care of me. For an evening I would feel loved. In the beginning, I believed him when he told me it wouldn’t happen again. Now I just enjoy the moments of calm and prepare myself for the chaos of the next day. When we were fighting, I longed for those brief evenings where I felt loved. Where I got a glimpse into the man I thought Adam was when we first started dating. It was so bizarre to grieve someone who was sitting right beside you. To grieve the person they used to be and who you wish they still were.
The truth of it was that I was still here because I had nowhere else to go. I hadn’t worked since I found out I was pregnant with Theo. Adam gave me a small allowance to run errands and replace things around the house, but it didn’t go far. My own money that I had accumulated in college had dwindled into nothing over the years. My parents had stopped talking to me. I’d tried to call them out of desperation a few times, but they never picked up. I was completely and utterly alone in the world other than Theo. Truthfully, if it wasn’t for him, I would have given up a long time ago.
I held onto the hope that one day we would get a fresh start. That one day I would know what it felt like to be loved every day, not just the occasional evenings. I wanted nothing more than to feel important to somebody. I dreamt of the love I had always been missing.
There were some things I enjoyed that I held onto. When Adam was at work, I made sure music filled the house the way it used to at my grandparents’ place. In between cleaning, Theo and I would dance and laugh, and for a moment, the house would be filled with joy. We would dance around the kitchen and I would soak up every drop of happiness in the room. I would soak it up in the hope that it would help me survive the evenings. It gave me something to cling to.
I jumped as I heard the door slam. Adam was home early. He worked as an insurance fraud investigator and had already warned me he’d be later today. I instinctively shut the music off and took a deep breath. The house was fairly clean, but I hadn’t quite finished. I could only hope it was good enough. I dusted myself off and put on my best smile as I walked into the living room. My hand covered my mouth instantly as I stifled a scream. My eyes fell to his hands as I watched the blood dripping off of him onto the freshly cleaned carpets.
“Adam…” My voice cracked.
“It’s not mine,” he said sternly, as if that made it better. I’d seen him come home late before with bruises or drops of blood on his shirt, but nothing like this.
“What happened?” I asked softly as I edged closer towards him.
“Nothing they didn’t deserve. Get me a towel.” His tone was sharp and I knew not to hesitate on his instructions if I didn’t want to be the next supposedly deserving victim. I ran into the kitchen, suddenly grateful that Theo was napping. I ran back out and wiped his hands with the towel.
“Are you sure you’re not hurt?” His eyes met mine and for a brief moment his gaze was soft as he shook his head. We held eye contact as I finished drying his hands off. There was something tender in the moment that made forget the reality of the situation. His eyes moved to the stains on the floor and his gaze hardened once more.
“You need to clean that up now or you’re going to ruin my carpet,” he spat as all the tenderness floated away instantly. I didn’t have a clue of how to get blood out of carpet.
“I’ll have to go to the store to get something for it.” He sighed loudly at my response.
“I don’t care how, just go now and get it sorted.”
“Well, I need to wait for Theo—” His hand made contact with my face, forcing me back onto the floor.
“I told you I don’t care how!” His voice now raised as he towered over me. I knew better than to reply, it would only make it worse.
I looked at him as tears threatened to fall down my face and all I saw was anger staring back at me. How could this be the same man that used to visit me every day at work just so he could be near me? Or the same man who sat in hospital with me after I gave birth to Theo and told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him?
This man I once loved was now a monster. I knew I had to leave. What I needed now was a plan.