16. Chapter 16
Chapter 16
Julien
J ulien sat on a bench outside the clubhouse, a cigarette in one hand, his head in the other.
This whole thing was getting to him. He thought he could handle it. He really did. For five thousand dollars and a guaranteed way out of his debt, he should have been able to treat this the same as any job. But he couldn’t because Tyler kept looking at him like he hung the fucking moon.
Now, he didn’t know what to do. He should have just agreed to the stupid fucking dance in the first place. He didn’t really care about embarrassing himself. Even if he absolutely did not dance.
It was the idea that Tyler was warm and affectionate in one moment. Then, the next moment, he reminded him that this was his job, that it was about money and payment.
Whenever he thought they were getting closer naturally, Tyler brought up the awkward truth and sent Julien into a cold spiral of regret. Now, Julien wouldn’t be surprised if Tyler told him to fuck off entirely. Then he would be well and truly screwed.
Of course, he would fuck this up and catch feelings. How could I be so stupid?
He could only blame the crushing loneliness he’d lived with for ten years. One taste of domesticity and a cute boy holding his hand had opened the floodgates of longing he had kept locked away for so long.
He hadn’t gone back into the clubhouse and waited outside, chain-smoking and freezing his ass off in the stupid outfit he was wearing, until he saw people start to leave. He stood up when he spotted the Ashfords and tossed his cigarette away.
“I hope your head feels better, Julien,” Cece said. Her attention drew away from him the moment she said it. “I have a headache myself. Brad, where is our car? We have to get back to the babysitter.”
“I don’t know, Honey, the valet took my keys,” Brad told her. He seemed more frustrated than usual. Julien could sympathize .
Tyler glanced his way, looking every bit like a wounded puppy, but he didn’t reach out for him as they waited for Walter’s car to be brought around.
Tyler didn’t speak during the entire ride home.
Hailey and Walter chatted in the front seat in hushed tones, while the dark of the back seat was so quiet it felt loud. Julien didn’t mind the quiet. He was used to it, but usually, there were soft touches, hushed comments, or smiles from Tyler.
Everything now seemed cold.
It was nearly midnight when they pulled into the driveway. Cece and Brad had returned to their house, but Tyler’s parents were already home, and the light from the kitchen was the only one on in the house.
They all said tired goodnights before disappearing into their respective bedrooms. Walter’s sympathetic glance Julien’s way did not go unnoticed.
Julien made to follow Tyler into his room, but Tyler looked at him. “If you want, stay in the other guest room since it’s free. Or I can. I don’t care.”
Julien stared at Tyler and frowned as he pulled off the jacket he wore over his button-down. This morning, things seemed nice between them. That was Julien’s mistake. He let his wires get crossed, and now he was about to lose this fucking way out because he didn’t dance like a trained monkey.
He would possibly lose his mind because he’d started to let himself feel something. Not to mention Lou Rossi might kill him if didn’t get his money. All the proof needed to show how much of a loser Jules was.
“I don’t care, but if it’s that big of a deal for you, I can,” Julien said. Alarms went off in his brain. As much as he didn’t have a contingency plan for getting the rest of his money, he also felt a sense of aching loss at the idea that Tyler could drop him just like that.
Tyler chewed on his bottom lip. “Fine. Yeah.” He opened his door so Julien could grab some clothes to sleep in.
Julien picked up his T-shirt and a pair of sweatpants before brushing his teeth and changing inside Tyler’s bathroom. The bathroom floor’s heated tile didn’t do anything to warm the chill that enveloped him .
He bunched up the stupid suit jacket and button-down, tossing them in a corner. He hoped Tyler was pissed he didn’t bother to bring them out to be neatly folded or fucking dry cleaned or whatever people did with suits.
Julien stepped out of the bathroom and tried to ignore Tyler, who stood by the window.
“You didn’t have to storm off,” he said, his voice tight. “It was kind of immature.”
Julien scoffed. “Me? I said I didn’t want to dance. You acted like a spoiled brat when I said no.” He gritted his teeth. Those alarm bells were still ringing. He wanted to tell Tyler precisely what the fuck he thought about who was immature here, but he also knew he needed that money.
Tyler frowned. “I just wanted to dance. I hired you as my perfect fake boyfriend, including dancing with me.”
There it was again. The two of them couldn’t even have a conversation without it being transactional. Julien had to be a real fucking moron to have thought for a second that Tyler might have wanted him .
He pressed his lips together, desperate to stop himself from saying something he would regret. “I’m not fucking perfect, Tyler. And neither is anyone else. Grow up.”
With that, Julien knew it was time to escape before he said more he would regret, and he stormed through the hall to the guest room.
The bed was smaller than Tyler’s and decorated like a hotel. He had the urge to throw the little vase on the nightstand at the wall, but he was already about to lose his $2,500. He didn’t need to owe the Ashfords for what was probably a thousand-dollar fucking decoration.
Instead, he flopped onto the bed and stared at the ceiling.
Maybe if he left now, he could still figure something out. He had about a week left. He could see about borrowing money from someone, maybe. Anyone he considered even remotely a friend was just as skint as he was.
But it wasn’t even about the money. Not anymore. An easy job with an attractive guy had turned into something downright complicated. He wanted Tyler. He wanted to be with him, for real. It would never happen. Tyler had made what he wanted perfectly clear, and Julien was not it .
It still sucked, though.
The barest ounce of human contact had sent him into a goddamned spiral, and he needed to man the fuck up and apologize. He should have just danced. Then maybe he would have managed to get through the rest of the week, falling deeper into the mess of feelings he created for himself.
But at least he would have his money.
At least then, he could start rebuilding his life and forget this all. In a few months, it wouldn’t even matter; in a few years, maybe he’d forget all about it.
“Fuck,” he growled to the empty room. Despite the stubbornness inside of him protesting, he stood up. He had to suck it up and apologize. Maybe he could still fix this, get his money, and run as far away from Tyler as he could once he paid Rossi.
He pulled the door open and met with Tyler, who stood in his pajamas, his hand up as if ready to knock.
“I’m sorry,” Tyler whispered.
He wore glasses, and his hair stuck out at odd angles as though he had run his hands through it too many times.
“What are you sorry for?” Julien asked. “You were right. I’m here to do a job and….”
Tyler reached up to cover Julien’s mouth. “Shh, not in the hall.” Tyler pushed him into the room and followed.
Once Tyler closed the door, he turned back to Julien. “I’m sorry because I was being selfish, maybe.”
“Not maybe ,” Julien grumbled before he could help himself.
Tyler frowned. “If you didn’t want to dance, I should have let that be. But you just left me there. I looked like a total idiot. Everyone asked what happened. Hailey thinks we had a huge fight.”
Julien grit his teeth. “We should have probably talked about what you wanted me to do before we came here.”
“Yeah, but you’ve been fine with kissing, touching, and sleeping in the same bed. I figured dancing wouldn’t be a big deal. ”
Julien couldn’t help but notice that this was an absolutely shit apology. He hated apologizing as much as the next guy, but this could have won awards for how bad it was.
He should have just fucking danced. “If you think this is about the dancing….” He scrubbed a hand over his face. “Look. If you want me gone, I’ll go.” It was the opposite of what he wanted to say, but he couldn’t do this.
Is five thousand dollars really worth this shit?
“What?” Tyler exclaimed, looking wholly shaken. “No. Julien. I don’t want you to go. Please?”
Julien didn’t want to go either. Not because of the money.
He sighed, resolve crumbling. “I’m just tired of it, alright? You keep wanting to make me into this perfect man. But I’m not. If you wanted someone like that, you probably should have picked someone else because that’s not me. Your family doesn’t even believe it.”
“What are you talking about?” Tyler gave a humorless laugh. “Yes, they do.”
“Wally said-”
“What the fuck is up with this Wally thing?” Tyler snapped, his voice raising well above a harsh whisper. “Come on. Walter is the dullest guy I know. He probably thinks flour is spicy. Who cares what he thinks?”
“That’s your problem, Ty. You are so fucking judgmental.” He was at Defcon One at this point. There was no coming back from this. The words rushed out of his mouth without thinking about what it could do to him and his future. “What are you so afraid of? What do you think your family would say if they actually got to know me?”
Tyler opened his mouth and closed it, making him look like a fish out of water. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “I don’t know. I want them to be proud of me, alright.”
Julien nodded. There was a sour taste in his mouth. “Yeah, and someone like me would disappoint them, wouldn’t I?”
“What does it matter? You’re not my real boyfriend.” Tyler reminded him.
“Yeah. That much is fucking clear. You wouldn’t look twice at me. I wouldn’t pass the inspection. You know, for someone who hates Walter so much, you seem to be looking for someone just like him or fucking Brad. Don’t get me started on him.”
“I don’t hate Walter. I think he’s boring.” Tyler threw his hands up. “Why would anyone want to be with someone so boring?”
“God. You are such an asshole ,” Julien said before he could stop himself. “You don’t take any time to get to know someone before you put them in a box labeled worthy or not.”
Tyler looked at him, brow furrowed, hurt in his eyes. “I didn’t realize you felt that way.” He exhaled loudly. “So, what. You’re done? You quit?”
Julien tried his best to swallow his anger. “I need the money.”
What he needed was to get out of here. He was pretending hard to be someone he wasn’t, and even that wasn’t good enough for Tyler. He couldn’t delude himself into thinking that he’d ever in a million years be good enough.
Tyler stood there for a second, hesitating before he stormed out of the room .
Julien ran his hands through his hair. His chest ached, and there was a lump in his throat . What am I even doing? Way to go. I pick a fight with the one person who can help me out of this mess, all because my pride is wounded.
Tyler returned to the room and shoved an envelope against his pec, which shook Julien more than expected. He stumbled back and caught the envelope before it fell.
“Merry Christmas,” Tyler spat before walking back to his room and slamming the door.
Julien looked at the envelope in his hand. He opened it up. It was all there. The other half. The rest of his debt. His freedom.
Except he didn’t feel any degree of satisfaction or liberation. Instead, he felt hollow. Disgusted with himself, he turned to the bed. All his stuff was in Tyler’s room. Packing would have to wait. Plus, he didn’t have any extra money for a cab or a bus ticket. He had no idea how he would get home. It didn’t matter.
He picked up his phone and texted Lou Rossi.
I have the money.
He didn’t expect an immediate message back, but his phone buzzed with Rossi asking him to meet up. He texted back.
I can’t. I’m in Connecticut. I’ll try to get back soon.
How will I fucking do that?