16. Nolan
16
NOLAN
“ I can’t believe Aiden thinks I would do that,” I said, staring out at the ocean behind Em and Tate’s house. The waves crashed onto the beach below the bluff, as wild and ragged as I felt.
I’d left the Wisteria as soon as Tanner and Vivian let us out of that meeting. Ambush would have been a better word for it. I’d been too pissed to stay there. Angry at the show, but angry at Aiden and his accusations too. I wasn’t sure what I would say if I saw him. Better to make myself scarce until he was gone.
Which would be…when, exactly? Was he leaving right now?
Would he really go without letting me see him one last time?
I pushed the thought away. I wanted him to leave without me seeing him. I did .
“I can’t believe they called that meeting at all,” Em said. He and Tate were sitting behind me in Adirondack chairs that ringed a firepit Tate had built. I looked over my shoulder and saw Em lean forward in his chair. “They actually filmed it when they confronted him?”
Disgust roiled in my stomach. Filming it had been uncalled for. The whole meeting had been uncalled for, honestly. It was bullshit to spring that news on Aiden publicly, when they could have just as easily dealt with it in private. I hated that they’d put him through that.
But I hated the conclusion he’d jumped to about me, too.
I shrugged bitterly. “I’m sure they were just trying to get more drama for the final couple of episodes.”
“They didn’t tell me it was happening,” Em said with a frown. “I had no idea. They told me to take today off, like I usually do.”
“Maybe they know you’re friends with Nolan and Aiden,” Tate said, “and they didn’t want word to leak out ahead of time.”
I nodded. It made sense, in a twisted way. “I didn’t see Nora there either. I think they really were trying to keep it under wraps.”
“It’s gross, though,” Tate said. “Not just the camera thing. The whole deal. Why is it anyone’s business if Aiden has a CamFans account?”
“It’s not,” I agreed. “But we all signed a paper saying we wouldn’t use social media or do anything to bring harm to the brand while we were on the show.” Tate’s face darkened, and I held up my hands. “I’m not saying it was right for them to turn it into some kind of gotcha . I’m just…not surprised. God, I’m really not. Especially if Tanner was involved. That guy’s a vulture.”
“Did you try telling Aiden all that?” Em asked.
“How could I?” I whirled all the way around to face them. The sea roared at my back. “He accused me of being the one to tell Tanner—to my face. He doesn’t want to talk to me.”
“Well, sure, not while he still thinks that. But if you talked to him and explained—”
“Why would he believe me? There’s no evidence that I didn’t tell Tanner. Of course, there’s no evidence that I did either, but that didn’t stop Aiden from jumping to the worst conclusion possible about me.”
“Can’t imagine what that’s like,” Tate said mildly.
I glared at him. He just looked back silently, arching an eyebrow. I rolled my eyes and stomped over to an empty chair on the far side of the firepit.
“It was different with you,” I said, slumping down into my seat. “With you, I had good reason to think you were an asshole. Prior behavior and all. I mean, no offense, but you were kind of a dick to me there for a while.”
“No offense taken. You had every right not to trust me. I was a shithead. But you’re telling me you’ve never given Aiden any reason to doubt your feelings or intentions?”
“Intentions,” I repeated irritably. “You don’t have to make it sound like the nineteenth century.”
“You know what I mean,” Tate said, refusing to take the bait.
“It’s different.” I kicked at the charred remains of a log. “Things with Aiden and I were never—that is, we weren’t—it’s not—”
“Take your time,” Tate said. He sounded way too amused.
“We weren’t anything serious,” I muttered. “We were clear from the beginning that everything between us was just for show.”
“So then why should he trust you?”
“Because I thought things were changing!” I said, kicking the log again. The tip of my shoe was smudged now. “Clearly, I was wrong.”
“Changing how?” Em asked.
I was quiet for a while before answering. Things had felt like they were changing in so many ways. Ways I didn’t want to say aloud. Ways that felt too big to acknowledge, even just to myself.
“I thought we were becoming friends, I guess,” I said finally.
“Just friends?” Em’s expression was so skeptical, and so similar to Tate’s, that I felt like I was looking at twins.
“None of that stuff we were doing for the cameras was real. It was just an act.”
“Maybe that’s the case for you,” Em said. “All I know is what I’ve seen. And the way Aiden looks at you, even when the cameras aren’t on him? That’s not the kind of look you give a friend.”
“I’m telling you, it was fake. We were trying to trick people.”
“So?” Tate said, putting his elbows on his knees. “Take Em and me. We were just pretending, too, and look what happened to us. Sometimes real feelings arise when you least expect them. And sometimes, that can be really amazing.”
“I don’t want him to have real feelings for me,” I snapped.
“Why? Because it would be awkward? Because you don’t have feelings for him? Or…”
Tate let the sentence hang there unfinished, but the unspoken question was clear.
Or because you do, and you just don’t want to admit it?
“He’s just so…ridiculous,” I said. “He’s loud and shameless and makes everything into a joke. He’s obnoxious just because he can be. He’s basically as different from me as you can get, and I swear to God, he takes pleasure in driving me crazy. Like, me personally, over and above anyone else.”
“So?” Tate said again. I looked at him, lost. He laughed softly. “Nolan, all of that can be true or not true. But in the end, it doesn’t really matter. Not if you love him.”
Love ?
“I don’t—that’s completely—no. No .” I shook my head vehemently. “That’s absurd.”
Tate just looked at me.
“I don’t even—we’re not—I’m not even looking for—just—no. You’re wrong. Very wrong.”
Tate’s eyes never left mine, and eventually, I had to look away, only to find that Em was staring at me now too. Except where Tate was still skeptical, Em looked amused. I couldn’t decide which was worse.
I folded my arms. “I don’t know where you two got the idea that I could—I mean, I’m sure it’s very amusing for you to pretend that we—look, the point is, it’s cute and all, but it’s completely and totally and entirely off-base. I don’t love Aiden. I’m not even sure I like him.”
“Nolan.” Tate gave me a flat look. Em just grinned.
“Okay, fine. He has his redeeming qualities.”
I pressed my lips together. Aiden had a lot of redeeming qualities. And he brought out parts of me I didn’t know existed. Made me feel things I hadn’t known were possible. Just thinking about him filled my chest with the sweetest ache. But that didn’t mean I loved him. Right?
“Redeeming qualities or not,” I said, “I still want to strangle him half the time, and the times when I don’t, he probably wants to strangle me .”
Em’s smile grew even wider, and Tate just watched me, like he was waiting for something. My heart felt hot and fluttery. Why was I sweating all of a sudden?
“Are you done?” Tate asked.
“Done with what?”
“Lying to yourself. Or do you have more to get out of your system? Because we can keep doing this as long as you need, but eventually, you’re going to run out of excuses, and I want to know when the real conversation is going to start.”
I growled and looked back out over the water. Why was he being so stubborn about this? And what the hell would it take to get it through his head that he was wrong?
It was completely ridiculous. Me loving Aiden?
Sure, he’d grown on me over time. And yes, when he wasn’t deliberately trying to get under my skin, I liked spending time with him. To be honest, even when he was trying to annoy me, I still enjoyed his company. He made me forget myself. Got me out of my own head. He might drive me crazy, but the minute he walked out of the room, I wished he’d come back. But loving him?
He was just…Aiden. He was always there, like an itch I couldn’t quite scratch, a thirst I couldn’t quench. Always pushing me, challenging me, making me think and feel and question things I’d never intended. Tearing down my walls, never giving me a moment’s—never letting me—never telling me…
You really don’t know how to let people in, do you?
His words from Monday flashed back into my mind, and I grunted like I’d been kicked by a horse. Tate was right. Aiden might be messy. He might drive me crazy. But none of that was what actually bothered me.
Aiden’s only real flaw, the crime he had the audacity to commit over and over, was that he made me break my rules. He tempted me out of my comfort zone, where nothing ever happened, so I never got hurt. He refused to let me pull back into myself, to retreat behind my walls.
Aiden made me want things. He was technicolor. He was the summer sun and the scent of tangerines and a racing heartbeat. And he made it impossible to ignore just how gray and cold and empty my life had become.
Worse, he didn’t just make me want things—he forced me to acknowledge what I needed, things I’d denied myself for too long. Trust. Intimacy. Love .
Aiden made me want to risk. Risk being seen. Risk being known. And that terrified me.
Behind me, the ocean crashed onto the shore.
I looked up at Tate and whispered, “What if he doesn’t feel the same way?”
Tate smiled. “But what if he does?”
How could he, though? Why would he? I didn’t have any right to expect Aiden to feel something for me. Not with the way I’d acted. Not after how I’d treated him.
And now he was going to go home, thinking I hated him. Thinking I’d deliberately fucked him over, when I’d never even gotten a chance to tell him that I—that I loved him.
How had I fallen in love without even realizing it? And what the hell was I supposed to do now?
I could barely think the words in my head, much less say them to another person. And if I did—if I told Aiden how I felt—I’d be risking everything. I wasn’t sure I could bring myself to do that. To give life permission to take another swing at me.
“I don’t know if I can take another heartbreak right now,” I said.
“What do you mean?” Tate asked.
“What if he laughs at me? What if he says he hates me? I wouldn’t even blame him. I’ve been such an asshole.”
“I was an asshole once too,” Tate said. “But sometimes, the right person can see through all your fears and your bullshit. Sometimes, meeting the right person is what it takes to make you change.”
“Wouldn’t you rather feel something and get hurt than harden your heart and be numb?” Em asked. “Wouldn’t you rather admit you have feelings than pretend you have none at all?”
I thought about the last year of my life. About the last twenty years, really. I’d made myself smaller and smaller, trying to keep the world from crushing me. I’d tried to be so perfect, tried so hard to atone for all the times I’d fucked up.
What had it gotten me, other than anxiety, and guilt, and loneliness? I’d never be perfect. And even if I could, it wouldn’t fix anything. It would just be another way to keep people at arm’s length.
I’d let my fear of getting hurt turn into a fucked-up kind of pride. There was no virtue in pretending I didn’t need anyone. All it did was trade one kind of pain for another. I’d taken a knife to my own heart, just so no one else could.
“I fucked up,” I said. “Really badly. I hurt him. Said things I shouldn’t have. I knew what I was doing, and I did it anyway, just because I was scared—scared he’d hurt me first.”
“Go tell him,” Tate said. “Apologize. Before it’s too late. He’s the one you should be saying all this to, not us.”
“You really think I should?” I asked. “Even after everything—”
“I can’t believe you’re even asking us that question,” Em broke in. “I can’t believe you’re still here talking to us, instead of him.”
I looked between him and Tate. Heard the ocean roaring at my back. Felt my heart pound in time with its rhythm.
There was no guarantee Aiden would even talk to me, if I went to find him right now. But was I really willing to let even the slimmest chance slip through my fingers?
Feeling something was better than feeling nothing at all.
I nodded. “Okay. I’m gonna talk to him. Or try to, anyway.” I looked at both of them. “But I’m going to need your help.”