17. Aiden
17
AIDEN
“ I t’s America’s favorite baker!” Henry’s voice sang over the phone when he picked up. “To what do I owe the unexpected pleasure of this call? Do you need someone to rehearse your Emmys’ acceptance speech with? Do you need someone to remind you not to forget all the little people? Do you need a cake tester? Because that last one might be a bit tough for me to do from California, but I’ll give it my best shot.”
“No,” I said, unable to hold back a sigh. “No, I need a ride home.”
“Wait, what?” Henry’s tone shifted. “What do you mean? What happened? Are you at the airport?”
“No, but I will be soon, presumably. I’m just waiting for a production assistant to tell me what flight the show’s putting me on.”
“What flight they’re—but why? What are you coming home for? Is it one of those this is where I came from, come see my humble beginnings segments or—”
“I got cut, Henry. They found out about my CamFans account, and they’re sending me home.”
“Oh.”
For the second time in under a minute, Henry’s voice changed, this time from confused to sad. He sounded more broken up than I was, actually. I was sure I was sad, underneath everything. But all I felt right now was numb.
“What happened?” he asked gently. “How did they find out? You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but—”
“No, it’s fine.” I looked out the window of my bedroom, watching the crew scurry back and forth across the Wisteria’s yard below. I wondered how many of them knew the truth about me now. How many of them were judging. “The whole world will know soon enough.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that the judges called a meeting with the remaining contestants today and then confronted me, on camera, with the fact that they’d found my account. No, correction: with the fact that my account had been brought to their attention . Meaning someone told them about it. Three guesses who that was.”
Henry was quiet for a moment. “You don’t mean—wait, you don’t think Nolan had something to do with it, do you? I thought you two were, you know…”
“Well, you thought wrong. As did I, apparently. We fought a few nights ago. He wanted me to shut down my account, I told him he was jealous, he told me to go to hell, basically, and this morning, he could barely look me in the eye when the judges called that meeting.”
“Jesus. Was that the first time he found out about your account? When you fought, that is?”
“No. No, I told him about it a while ago.” A thread of sadness started to snake its way up through the gray fog filling my body. I could feel an ocean of it underneath, waiting to pull me under. “He seemed—I don’t know. I thought he was just worried about me, at first. About me getting hurt.”
“So what changed? Did he see someone DMing you their dick or something?”
“No, nothing like that. But there’s this one guy who’s been kinda creepy to me. Sending these weird, stalker-y messages. And I made the mistake of telling Nolan, and then he saw one of them a few nights ago, and he just wouldn’t let it go.”
“I’m confused,” Henry said. “That sounds like he really is just worried. What’s wrong with that?”
“What’s wrong is that he’s treating me like a child! He doesn’t think I’m competent enough to handle my own life, thinks it’s his business to tell me what to do. Like he has the right to dictate what I do with my body, when he won’t even—”
I broke off before I could finish the sentence.
“Won’t even what ?” Henry asked.
Won’t even admit he likes me , I thought. Won’t even tell me if he does like me . Won’t reassure me that I’m not on my own here, falling for a guy who doesn’t feel anything for me.
I pressed my lips together. It wasn’t fair, I knew, to demand that Nolan return my feelings. Just because I’d gone and fallen head-over-fucking-heels for him didn’t mean he owed me anything. That was all on me.
But I’d just—I’d thought maybe he did feel something. Maybe not the same amount that I liked him, but something . For the first time in so long, Nolan had made me feel wanted. Needed, even.
Loved.
I closed my eyes to hold back the tears that suddenly pressed to come out. Fuck. Had Nolan actually made me feel loved? Or was I just so dumb that I’d confused my feelings for him with what he felt for me? Was I just stupid enough to fall in love with someone who would never love me back?
“It’s okay,” Henry said, his voice soft. I’d actually forgotten I was on the phone for a moment. “You don’t have to talk about it.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I know I’m—you know. A mess.”
“You’re not a mess.”
“I am . And a hypocrite, too. This is what I asked for, isn’t it? Exposure? There’s no way anyone who watches the show will forget me now. I’m getting exactly what I wanted, and I don’t even want it anymore.”
“It’s okay for the things we want to change,” Henry said. “It’s okay for us to change, you know?”
Had I changed? Or had Nolan changed me? Maybe he’d just forced me to confront the lie my life had been before meeting him. To admit that I’d been running away from what I really wanted.
“You’re not a hypocrite,” Henry said. “And you’re not a mess. And I’m really, really sorry, because I have to go to class right now, but I promise, I will be at the airport to pick you up whenever you need, and then we’ll go get drunk, and trash-talk Nolan, and dance our asses off, and find someone new to take your mind off him. It’ll be okay. I promise.”
“Yeah. Yeah, I know. And thanks.”
I let Henry go, but I stood staring out the window for a long time after, his words ringing in my ears. The fact was, I didn’t want to trash-talk Nolan. I didn’t want to get drunk and dance and find someone new. What I wanted was right here on Summersea.
And I’d already lost it.
A knock at the door sent my heart into my throat. What if it was Nolan, coming to apologize, coming to tell me—honestly, what could he say that would make me forgive him? Why did I even want to forgive him?
I should have hated him, but instead, I approached the door with my heart pounding, breath coming in short gasps, hoping to see his face.
It was just Mal, though.
“Hey,” he said, holding up a tray of sandwiches and a bottle of water. “I thought you might not want to venture downstairs for lunch, so…”
“Oh, right. Thanks.” I tried to conceal my disappointment. I tried not to feel my disappointment. But it was a lost cause. I took the tray with a weak smile. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you come all the way up here. I’ll be out of your hair soon.”
He smiled kindly. “You didn’t put me out. And there’s no rush, you know. The network is paying for all the rooms through next week, so you can stay as long as you like.”
“I’m sure they’re going to put me on a plane sooner than that.” I sighed. “And nothing against your hospitality, but I’m not sure I want to stick around that long anyway.”
Mal gave me a long look. “Nolan?” I shrugged, and he nodded. “I heard things got a little, um, tense with him.”
“Have you talked to him?” I felt pathetic even asking, but I couldn’t stop myself.
“Not really.” Mal shook his head. “He said he needed a walk. He’s over at Em’s place now.”
My lips twisted. “Probably didn’t want to run into me.”
“It’s possible.” Mal was quiet for a moment. “But maybe not for the reasons you think.”
“What do you mean?”
He bit his lip and gave me an assessing look. Whatever test he was putting me through, I must have passed, because finally, he nodded and spoke.
“Nolan is…weird…in some ways.”
“Tell me about it.”
“I’ve known him for a long time,” Mal continued. “He’s one of my best friends, Aiden. Whenever I’ve needed him, he’s been there for me. When I first moved to DC, he gave me a place to stay, helped me get a job. When I ended up in a bad relationship, Nolan was the one person who never gave up on me, the person who wouldn’t let my ex just cut me out of his life. When I first came to Summersea, and things were rocky, Nolan was the person I turned to.”
“Mal, I—”
“I have a point, I promise. What I’m trying to say is that Nolan’s really good at helping other people. But when it comes to accepting help? He kind of sucks at it.”
“No kidding.”
“I’ve known the guy for years, and even I didn’t know his mom was sick, let alone living with him, until I heard it through the grapevine this week.”
“Really?” I blinked.
“Really. The things that matter most to him, the things that scare him the most—those are the things he’s least likely to talk about. I knew he wasn’t close with his family, knew he grew up with his grandparents, but that was all. He never mentioned anything about his mom’s history with drugs, or his dad being abusive, or—I mean, I’m not saying he should have, necessarily. It’s his right to decide what he wants to share and what he doesn’t. But think about it. There’s all this stuff in his past that he’s never told anyone, and suddenly, the whole world knows? How do you think he’s going to react?”
I’d never thought of it that way. Which, I supposed, was Nolan’s point when he’d told me I wouldn’t understand. I refused to feel ashamed of myself, and the fact that my parents were so shitty only made me more determined not to hide who I was.
But Nolan had spent years trying to keep the world out. Worse, he’d spent years blaming himself for what had happened to his mom. For his mom to then tell their story on television, for him to find out that he’d never been at fault while cameras were filming him? That would have been his worst nightmare.
And if what Mal said was true, if even he hadn’t known about Nolan’s childhood and the situation with his mom, what did it mean that Nolan had told me about it?
“Nolan’s not someone who trusts easily,” Mal said. “But that’s not because he doesn’t care. He just doesn’t want to get hurt.”
“Doesn’t he know by now that I wouldn’t hurt him?” I whispered.
“He might. But it might take him some time, too. That’s not a mindset that’s easy to change.” Mal smiled. “But if he’s avoiding you, I don’t think it’s because he’s the one who told the judges about your CamFans account. Frankly, I can’t imagine Nolan ever doing something like that. He’s the most trustworthy person I know, and he understands wanting to keep things private.”
“Then why hasn’t he come to talk to me?” I asked. “Why wouldn’t he even look me in the eye?”
I could hear the panic in my voice. The fear and sorrow, driving it up an octave. But I couldn’t stop it.
“Because he’s terrified, Aiden. Because you have the power to hurt him more than anyone else ever could. Do you understand what I’m saying?” Mal held my gaze, his eyes gentle as his words sank in.
Was that really possible?
Fuck, if it was, I’d gone and done the exact opposite of what I should have. I’d lashed out. Yelled at him. Tried to act like I didn’t need him, when nothing could be further from the truth.
“If I were you,” Mal said slowly, “I’d wait until he comes back tonight—because he will. I’ll drag him back here myself if I have to. And then I’d talk to him. Really talk.”
“What if he doesn’t want to talk to me?” I asked helplessly.
Mal squeezed my shoulder. “He will. Trust me.”
I set the tray Mal had brought me down on the bed after he left, but I couldn’t bring myself to eat anything. I was too heartsick to be hungry. I just stared at the sandwiches, wishing they would tell me what to do.
When another knock sounded at the door five minutes later, I assumed it was Mal again.
“Back with more advice?” I said as I opened the door. “Or just more sand—”
The words died on my lips. It wasn’t Mal. It wasn’t even Nolan.
It was Tanner.
“Advice?” he said, tilting his head to the side. “What kind of advice do you need?”
I blinked and took a step back. What was he doing here? He leaned up against the edge of the doorframe, his powerful form relaxed but ready to pounce.
A leopard watching its prey . The image flashed into my mind, and once I’d thought of it, I couldn’t get it to leave.
“I uh—no, uh, never mind. I just—sorry, I thought you were someone else.”
Tanner smiled and arched an eyebrow. “Nolan?”
Mal had asked me the same question half an hour ago, but that eyebrow made a world of difference in how it came across.
I flushed. “No, I just—”
“Because I thought you would have realized by now that carrying a torch for him is pointless,” Tanner continued.
“I’m not carrying a torch for him,” I objected—even though, let’s be honest, I very much was. It just wasn’t any of Tanner’s business, and with everything going on, he was the last person I wanted to talk to. “I just, um, have to pack.”
“Ah. Of course. That’s what I was hoping to talk to you about, actually.”
“About me leaving?”
“About you not leaving.” Tanner’s smile broadened.
I stared at him, confused. “But I got kicked off the show.”
“Exactly.” He put a hand on my shoulder—again, echoing Mal, again, far less comfortably. “There’s no reason to keep beating around the bush now. There’s nothing inappropriate about the two of us getting to know each other a little better.”
“I—but I don’t—what?”
Tanner sighed, like I was being stupid on purpose. “Look, you were hesitant earlier, and I understand that. You didn’t want to mess up your chances on the show. So I let you stay as long as I could, and I kept quiet about your CamFans account. You can’t ask for more than that.”
“You let me stay? Wait, you knew?”
“Aiden, sweetheart. I’ve told you before not to play dumb. It’s not as cute as you think it is.”
“I’m not playing dumb! I’m just trying to understand what happened. How long have you known about my account?”
“I’ve known about it for months. Since well before the show started.” Tanner laughed. “Are you serious? Did you actually think it was a secret? I told you I’d done my due diligence on all of our contestants.”
“So you’ve known this whole time?”
My heart sank. I’d been blaming Nolan for something that Tanner had been aware of from the start.
“I’ve known.” His smile was indulgent. “And I think I’ve been more than fair in not bringing it up until now. But come on, you were never going to win. This is a way to go out with a bang. And, you know, with a bang .”
He winked, just in case I hadn’t picked up on the innuendo. My stomach lurched.
“Look, Tanner, I—I’m flattered. But I think we got our wires crossed somehow.”
I wasn’t flattered at all. I was creeped out. But right now, I just wanted to shut this conversation down. I needed to think. Needed to make sense of everything.
Needed to apologize to Nolan.
“No wires crossed,” Tanner said with a grin. “It’s really quite simple. You got your fifteen minutes of fame, thanks to me. I should get a little something in return, don’t you think? And this way, no one else can say you’re getting special treatment when I fuck you.”
He was so sure of himself. So proud of himself. I felt like I was going to puke.
“I’m. Not. Interested,” I said through gritted teeth.
“Oh, come off it. I know you like to play hard to get. But I also know, deep down, that you need it.”
“I really don’t.”
“No? You don’t need me to tie your legs to the bedposts and fuck you ‘til you’re barely conscious? You don’t want me to call my friends to take turns on you until you can’t hold our cum inside you anymore, and it spills onto the sheets?”
My stomach dropped.
How the fuck did Tanner know those words? I’d written that post ages ago—the first day I’d arrived on Summersea. And how the hell could he have seen something on the far side of my paywall, unless…
Tanner didn’t just know about my account. He subscribed to it.
He took a step forward, backing me into my room.
“I think you do need that. And I think I’m the man for the job.” His eyes grew dark. “I’ll teach you not to be such a fucking tease. I think a little pain might help you learn that you’re just a set of holes to be used. I think you want me to teach you that.”
He took another step forward, and I took another one back. I swallowed and heard blood rushing in my ears. The things Tanner was saying were way too familiar.
“Now, I know you don’t actually live with your stepdad,” he said. “But I’d be more than happy to play that role. Fuck my slutty stepson, then pimp you out to whoever I like. You’d just love that, wouldn’t you?”
“You’re HungTopXL,” I whispered. “You’re him. You’re the one who’s been sending all those messages.”
Tanner threw back his head and laughed. “Jesus, Aiden. Are you just putting that together now? I knew you weren’t the brightest bulb in the box, but still.”
“I—how could you—why would you—fuck.” My thoughts tumbled around my brain like sneakers in a dryer. Nothing made sense.
“You and I have played around long enough.” Tanner smiled darkly. “It’s time for you to put your money where your mouth is. Actually, I suppose it’s my money, isn’t it? It’s my show that’s been paying you all these months, after all. My money, your mouth. And other parts of you. You owe me.”
I shivered. I didn’t like his tone. I hadn’t liked it online, and I liked it even less in person. Tanner, or HungTopXL, his alter-ego, really wasn’t trying to flirt. He didn’t want to compliment me. He didn’t want to make me feel good.
He wanted to scare me.
That was the difference between him and everybody else. Tanner wasn’t trying to participate in a fantasy with me. He was trying to force one onto me. He got off on power. Not just having it, but abusing it. He got off on making people afraid.
And to be quite honest, it was working. He was bigger than I was. By a lot. And I was pretty sure he could block my exit from the room if he wanted to.
But I’d be damned if I let him know that.
“I don’t owe you anything,” I spat. “Nothing in your subscription gives you rights to my body. If you didn’t like that, you could have unsubscribed at any time. Fuck, you should have. It can’t be ethical for you to subscribe to my account and be a judge on the show.”
“Don’t talk ethics to me. You shouldn’t have had your account in the first place. Besides, you liked it. You liked me.”
“ Liked you? I quit responding to you!”
“But you never told me to stop.” Tanner shook his head, his smile almost rueful now. “Look, I get it if you’re a little nervous. I know I can be intimidating. I didn’t want to approach you this way. I tried to do it differently, at the festival. Tried to loosen you up a bit. But you had to go and give that drink to Nolan, and now here we are. Our time’s running out, Aiden. And I’m not letting you leave without getting a taste of you.”
“Wait, what?” My jaw dropped. “What are you talking about? What did you do at the festival?”
“Aiden, there’s no need to act so innocent.”
“It’s not a fucking act!” I stared at him in horror. “What did you do?”
“He tried to drug you,” said a voice behind us. We both turned and saw Nolan in the doorway, looking grim. “He tried to drug you, and he got me instead.”