35. Chapter 35
Chapter 35
Lennox
I’ve been busting my ass for two weeks to get to this point, and today feels like the day. I’ve talked to my therapist until I’m blue in the face trying to work through my mental block, worked out with Roxie to keep my strength going, and come here to sit more times than I can count.
But today, it’s time to actually do it.
Today, I’m getting on the fucking trail.
“There’s zero pressure. Take as much time as you need. Willow said she’d pick up Ivy if I need her to.” Roxie grabs my hand as we sit in the car, reminding me that we have all day.
“It’s just a place to walk. That’s all it is. There’s nothing exciting or scary lurking in there. Tennison is not a place; he was a person. And the park didn’t do those things to me,” I repeat what my therapist and I talked about. “It’s just a place to walk.”
I stare at the trailhead like I can intimidate it into making this easier.
“Fuck it, let’s do it.” I climb out of the car on a mission. A faux confidence settles into my veins. Maybe if I fake it, I’ll be able to fool myself into making this doable .
I feel Roxie behind me, following me but not suffocating me. The women’s incredible. She knows me better than I know myself half the time.
I take two steps then freeze.
Adrenaline floods my system. The urge to flee is so high it’s painful to fight it. I count to ten, taking a deep breath as I do. Absentmindedly, I hold out my hand for Roxie, and she takes it without wasting a second. She grounds me in an instant, and my chest loosens slightly.
One more count of ten and two more steps.
I’m sweating so much that my grip starts to slip from Roxie. She holds my hand tighter in hers, ensuring we stay connected, and I couldn’t be more grateful.
Two more steps and nausea hits hard.
“Don’t throw up,” I mutter. “Don’t you fucking dare,” I berate myself.
It takes me a couple of minutes to get myself in check while Roxie stands like a pillar by my side. She doesn’t push, doesn’t try to encourage me—just a silent stanchion letting me work through everything.
Two more steps, and the shaking starts.
I was prepared for this. My therapist talked about the very real possibility of a panic attack the first time I tried this, but fuck is this awful. Looking at a list of symptoms and planning things to cope with them is one thing. Actually experiencing them? A whole other ball game. I don’t have control over my body, and it’s scary.
“Hey, look at me.” Roxie’s voice comes from right in front of me, and I realize I didn’t even see her move. “You can do this. Remember the tools Dr. Russell gave you, and work through them until one helps. ”
I nod frantically as I blow out a stream of air. I count to ten as I suck in more air before releasing it to the count of ten. I repeat that three times to no avail. I subtly shake my head, hoping it tells Roxie that this isn’t working.
“Okay, focus on me. Let’s try the lavender.” She lets go of my hand and digs in her pocket, pulling out a little roller of lavender essential oils. Uncapping it, she waves it in front of my nose, letting me drag in the scent as I continue my breathing.
After God knows how many minutes, I shake my head again. Everything feels like it’s getting worse, and now my muscles are so tight it feels like they’ll pop right out of my body if I move.
“Okay, that’s okay. We’ll find something,” Roxie says, reassuring me that I can do this even though I don’t see it. “Tell me three things you can smell.”
“Lavender. Dirt. Wildflowers,” I croak out.
“Good, so good, Lennox. Now, tell me two things you hear.”
I turn my focus onto my hearing. “Birds and…” I listen carefully for anything else when a gentle breeze hits my face. It allows me to breathe fully for the first time since stepping out of the car. “Wind. Wind rustling the trees,” I murmur.
“So fucking good,” Roxie whispers. “Give me one thing you see.”
I stare at her as my muscles finally loosen up. My limbs are no longer shaking, and the breeze chills the sweat drying on my skin, sending a chill down my spine.
“My girlfriend.”
The truth of my words releases the remaining tension I’m holding. I sway on my feet, and she stabilizes me with her hands on my waist.
“Good, really good, Len. How are you feeling? ”
“Freaked out. But better … much better. And so fucking exhausted.” I lean into her.
“To be expected. Do you want to try and walk?” God love her for pushing me forward and not backward. Anyone else would say let’s try again another day, but not Roxie because she knows how much I want this.
“Yeah, but I don’t want to fall.” Those thoughts of weakness pop up in my head, but I shake them off. There’s no place for them here today.
“I won’t let you fall. I’ve got you.”
I know with every ounce of my being that she does.
She shifts to my side, arm still firmly on my waist as I take in one more deep breath of fresh air. The familiarity hits me so hard. For once, the smell of the park is more comforting than scary. That, perhaps, is the biggest development of all.
Taking two steps, I feel shaky still but okay.
Two more steps, and my muscles start working again.
Two more steps, and I don’t want to stop at two steps anymore.
Four steps turn into ten in the blink of an eye, and before I know it, I’m halfway through the trail.
“Holy shit,” I whisper. “I’m doing it.” I whip around to face Roxie, picking her up and spinning her around. Probably not the smartest decision in retrospect, but I couldn’t care less right now. “I’m doing it!” I yell.
“You’re doing it!” Roxie echoes me with laughter.
I slow the spin and set her down on her feet, arms still wrapped around her.
“I love you.” The words pop out of my mouth without thought. I wouldn’t take them back even if I could because they’re the truth. No one else in the world understands me like she does. No one else in the world makes me feel like I’m worthy.
Her eyes widen then fill with tears before she presses up on her toes to kiss me. Pulling back an inch, she peers up at me. “I love you too. And I’m so proud of you. I don’t even have words.”
“Thank you, Boss Lady.” I smirk. I’m proud of myself, truthfully. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to work through this enough to be standing here. It’s taken so much hard work physically, and even more mentally. And one incredible woman to push me when I feel like quitting.
“You ready to finish the trail?”
“Beyond ready,” I tell her. Our confession doesn’t take over the magnitude of what I’m doing, but that doesn’t mean I won’t think about it the entire time.
We go slow, Roxie holding my hand the whole time. When we make it to the end of the trail, a sense of freedom washes over me. Everything becomes easier, and that light at the end of the tunnel that seemed so elusive? Yeah, I think I see it now.
Turning around, I look to the sky. “Thank you for making this happen.”
“I didn’t do anything. This was all you, and I’m so fucking proud of you.” The hand holding mine squeezes.
“You really have no clue how much you’ve done.” I look back down at her. “You’re the sole reason I’m even walking this trail right now. You pulled me from a darkness I didn’t ever think I’d get out of. Well, you and Pix.” I wink.
“You had all the pieces; you just needed a push.” She shrugs, refusing to accept the truth .
Cupping my hands around her cheeks, I kiss her. Only a brief one, but enough to show her that I see her. I see everything she does for everyone else in her life. And I make a promise to myself to be the person who always puts her first. To be the one who takes care of her.
“You ready to walk back?” As amazing as this milestone is, I’m fucking exhausted from all the drama.
“Let’s do it.”
Our hands are swinging as we walk. The experience is so much different than the journey to get here. I’m still a little shaky. I’m still feeling the anxiety, but it’s all manageable, and that was the goal.
“I have an appointment at the lawyer’s office on Thursday.” Roxie’s words cut through my introspection.
“Yeah? That’s good. Do you think you’ll be able to get everything figured out?”
“Businesswise? Yeah, it should be pretty straightforward. Things with Pam and Greg? Not so much. I think it’s probably going to take a miracle to find a reason they’re coming after me, but I’ll try anything.”
Greg and Pam have been pretty quiet since she came face to face with them. It doesn’t put me at ease at all. If anything, it stresses me out more. They’ve got to be planning something big. Arlo’s come up empty, although he has his contact in Rosedale keeping an eye out. Woodcroft has been tied up with his case, and I can’t ask any more of him anyway.
“I can come with if you want me to,” I offer. I don’t want to butt into her business, but I do want to support her however I can.
“I think I’d like that, honestly. Outside of the personal drama, this business thing is a huge step. I’ve only ever done contracted work, so this feels … scary.”
The vulnerability in her statement lets me see how serious she is about staying here. It makes my heart beat faster in my chest, and this time, it’s not from panicking.
“Then I will be by your side every step of the way while you get this figured out.”
It’s the easiest choice I’ve made in months.
We make it back to the car in minutes. It’s almost laughable how easy the trail was, and yet it feels like it took me hours to walk it.
Roxie jumps into the driver’s seat, which I’m grateful for because I don’t think I’d be able to drive right now. I sure don’t trust myself to do so while Roxie is in the car.
“Do you have time for a quick stop before picking up Pixie?” I ask.
“Umm, yeah, if you come with me to pick her up, there’ll be time.”
That brings a smile to my face. My little Pixie will freak when she sees me, and what I’m picking up will be icing on the cake. It’s been on my to-do list for too long, and with all the distractions, it’s been forgotten. But no longer.
“Perfect, then let’s stop at the corner store.”
Within twenty minutes, Roxie is parking in front of the store. I tell her to wait as I’ll only be a second.
Walking in, I beeline it toward the small book section.
“Anything I can help you with, Lennox?” Becca asks as she walks over.
“Just a new kids’ book,” I say without thought. The sly smirk she gives me says she’s reading into that. Even though she’s right, I’m not sure how Roxie will react to the gossip committee knowing we’re together.
“We have some decent options, but I’m sure you know what she likes best.” She winks before walking away, and I’ll have to warn Roxie about the gossip that’ll be going around town now .
My eye catches on a raccoon dressed as an astronaut, and I snag it without a second thought. After quickly paying and walking back out to the car, I climb in and get situated before looking over at Roxie. Her eyes are fully on the new book I just got for Ivy.
“I don’t think you need to worry about not being a good parent figure to her,” she says softly.
Her words seep into my bones. I haven’t been shy about loving Ivy, but I don’t think the idea of being with Roxie for the long haul means I’ll be a stepparent hit me until this moment. And yet, it’s not scaring me. I want to be a good influence in her life and watch her grow into the amazing woman I know she will. With Roxie as her mom, there’s no way she can’t. Will I mess up and probably freak out a lot during the process? Without a doubt. But my Pixie has held my heart in a vise grip since she walked through my door.
“Thank you.” I’m not sure what else to say to Roxie because this revelation about Ivy is rocking me to the core. I’m the baby of the family, the jokester, the one no one took seriously. I’m the last one anyone would expect to be good with kids, and yet this little girl and her mom changed my whole world. I want nothing else than to keep them both happy and thriving.
“Alright, let’s go get our girl,” Roxie says, pulling out of the parking spot, which brings the largest smile to my face I’ve ever had.
Our girl.
Yeah, I think I like that.