CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Katarina
I’d fucked up.
I knew I had. It only took me a couple of hours after Jack left me in the pasture to know I’d fucked up completely, but I had no clue how to fix it. I’d let my hurt from my sisters and my own inadequacies consume me.
When I’d locked eyes with him that same night on the porch, the hurt that shone in the blue depths had devastated me. I’d run from it, too scared to face it. My sisters had tried to talk to me and apologize but I hadn’t let them. It wasn’t about them. I was upset with myself.
The weeks had gone by, and I’d had to work side by side with him, seeing the hurt expression on his face whenever I dared to look at him. But he no longer looked at me, he avoided me.
And yet I knew that I could ask him to do anything, and he still would, and that made my heart ache even more.
I wanted to ask him to forgive me. I wanted to ask him to hug me and kiss me and call me sweetheart again. Because now that I’d heard him call me that, I wanted to hear it for the rest of my life.
But I wouldn’t. I wanted him to choose it, not give it to me because I demanded it. He’d had so many choices and decisions taken from him in the last twelve years and I wouldn’t take any more.
I’d misjudged him completely. He’d done nothing but help and support me, and at the first inkling that something was amiss, I’d leapt to conclusions and flung hurtful accusations instead of trusting that he would never do that to me. I knew it deep down, but I’d let my pain cloud my judgment and I didn’t know how to fix it.
I missed him so much. Missed his arms around me, his soft hair under my fingertips. His words of encouragement and his belief in me. His strong muscles as he worked beside me, his rough hands calloused from hard work. His care for the animals, and for my sisters too. I’d seen how he’d developed a relationship with each of them. The other day, I even saw him and Tilly go off for a ride together and I was jealous . Jealous that my little sister had a good man to bond with and look up to when I should only be grateful.
Some nights I sat on the porch, just desperate for a glimpse of him passing by. I couldn’t bring myself to sit in my father’s office and watch him. Too many memories tried to claim me. I just needed to figure out a way to get to him.
I was sitting there now, in a newly refurbished Adirondack chair that I knew was down to him and his big, loving heart, waiting for him to come home from the bar. My eyes caught the pair of headlights coming down the gravel road towards the house. I assumed it was Leo arriving so didn’t pay too much attention until I realized it was a little pink classic Volkswagen Beetle.
My heart leapt into my throat, I was out of the chair before the car door opened. A head popped out. Wild black curls appeared. The same ones I’d spent my teenage years braiding and playing with. Then her curves came into view, and I couldn’t believe it. She was here. She was home.
I was on the porch steps running to her by the time she was closing the car door and then we faced each other. My wide eyes latched onto the bruise surrounding one of her piercing blue eyes. Traveling down to her plump lip, swollen and split.
“Gertie…” I shook my head, my throat clogging with tears. My best friend’s lovely face was marred by a battered appearance. She seemed to shrink under my stare, a far cry from the vibrant life and soul of Reverence she’d been as a teenager.
She stared at me a little longer and that plump, swollen lip wobbled. I sobbed as I grabbed her and crushed her to me.
“I’ll kill him,” I hissed. “I’ll cut his fucking dick off and force-feed it to him.”
Gertie sob-laughed, I eventually pulled back and looked her over. My vibrant, beautiful best friend was hardly recognizable. But I’d never been happier to see her. I gently touched the spot next to her black eye. “Tell me he’s rotting in jail?”
Gertie shrugged. “Not exactly, he’s got friends in high places. But I’m free and here.”
“I’m so glad you’re home,” I said, pulling her into another hug, unable to believe she was standing in front of me. “I’ve missed you so much.”
“I’ve missed you too, Kitty Kat,” she sighed, sinking into my embrace.
“Are you home for good, Flirty Gertie?”
She laughed, the sound rusty. “I sure am.”
“You staying at your mom’s house?”
She pulled back tossing her hair over her shoulder then flinching. “No room, I just need to buy some time until I can figure something out. Can I stay with you?”
“Don’t even ask. Redemption has always been your home.”
She looked up at me, tears filling her eyes. “Thank you.”
“Come on, let’s get you inside. You have any stuff?”
She shook her head sadly, her curls flying around her. “No, I just grabbed my purse and left.”
“No problem, we’ve got five women in this house. If we ain’t got clothes, we ain’t got shit!”
Gertie laughed, a full bellied laugh. She almost sounded like her old self. I took her inside and gave her some towels and she showered as I dug out some clothes, then I left her to it. I poured two big ass glasses of wine and went back out to the porch. She emerged after a while and gratefully accepted the wine.
“Start from the beginning,” I said.
She slumped down into the chair beside me and proceeded to tell me all about Shithead Gary. My blood ran cold and I had to keep my emotions in check so she could get through it all but she did and once she had, it was like a weight was lifted from her shoulders.
“You can stay as long as you need to. Stay forever, please?” I begged .
She laughed and patted my knee. “I’m home for good, don’t you worry about that.” She turned her sad eyes on me and nibbled her lip. “I’m sorry I’ve been so distant. After everything you’ve gone through with Charlie, I’ve been so shit.”
I held up my hands, my wine sloshing. “Don’t! You clearly had your own stuff going on.”
She nodded. “I had, but I could have still messaged more. I’m so sorry.” We hugged, I gripped her tightly before we pulled away again. She sniffed and blinked rapidly to fend off tears. “Now, tell me about the ranch. Do I still need to kick Jack’s ass?”
I sighed and downed my glass of wine. “No, you need to kick mine.”
She narrowed her eyes but she held up a finger before getting up and going inside. She returned with the bottle of wine and topped our glasses back up before tucking her feet under her. “Continue.”
I told her everything about the ranch, Jack, my sisters and the debt and my uselessness at dealing with anything, purging it all out to her. I was mid- I’m so shit when she interrupted.
“Hold up. Now I know you’re not talking about my girl like that. You’ve had a lot of shit recently. Your dad died , that’s a lot all on its own. For your mom’s killer to turn up, you to take on everything at the ranch and actually keep it fucking running, is a huge success. Do not put yourself down.”
I opened my mouth to argue but she cut me off again. “No! Okay, so you got a little bit blocked about how to make money, but I’m not surprised after everything. There is nothing wrong with that, and needing time to suddenly become this savvy businesswoman who saves the ranch? Damn girl, grant yourself some grace!” There was a pause as we stared at each other. “But at least you were getting dicked down,” she snorted.
I spat my wine out. “Oh, I was getting really dicked down. God he was so good. I miss him.” I dropped my head in my hands, wine sloshed onto the wooden porch. “I fucked it up and I can’t stop thinking about him. I’m always looking for him, I need to be around him, even if he ignores me. The satisfaction I get just being in his presence is intense. And he’s so good with the ranch, the girls and the animals and he’s got such talent with wood.”
“I’ll bet,” Gertie joked.
I rolled my eyes. “I meant woodwork not wood. But I hurt him and I don’t know how to fix it.”
“Tell him.” She sat up straight. “Say, Jack, I fucked up and I love you . It’s that simple.”
My cheeks heated when she said the word love. But the more I thought about it, the more this icky feeling that had been plaguing me for weeks became clear. I did love him.
“Oh shit,” I said.
“Epiphany!” she guffawed. “You love him sssoooo much!”
“You’re slurring.”
“ You’re slurring, my speech is impeccable,” she shot back.
Gertie looked so proud of herself that I burst out laughing. After a while I could see her eyes drifting closed and I helped her upstairs to my bed.
I took the couch that night and I paced around the living room, thinking about her and her stupid woman-beating shithead of a soon-to-be-ex-husband. I thought about the ranch and Jack and eventually I gave up and went into my father’s study.
I lingered by the window in the dark and looked out. Jack’s cabin was dark and my mind whispered cruel scenarios. He’s out with another woman. He’s already moved on from you. You didn’t mean anything to him.
When the lights came on inside the cabin, I released the breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding. He wandered into the little kitchenette shirtless, just in his sweatpants, and my heart leapt into my throat. I took in the curves of his body. The smooth thick skin that covered his muscles and I ached to run my tongue over it again. I moaned softly in the dark and like he heard me, he turned and looked out the window, staring straight at me.
It was dark, I knew he couldn’t see me, but I also knew he knew I was there. If history had taught me anything, he always knew I was watching him. I waited, seeing what he would do. I needed a sign that he missed me, that he was aching with our separation too.
But he turned away and the lights in the cabin went out and my hope died with them.
*
The next morning, I woke with a crick in my neck and a fucked-up back from the couch. I sat up and rubbed the sleep from my eyes before stumbling into the kitchen in dire need of coffee. I heard a loud sound and instantly smiled as I recognized Gertie’s laugh.
My bestie was home.
I went into the kitchen, and she was there at the table, with my sisters crowded around her and Leo watching from his place next to the sink. He spotted me and held out a mug of coffee.
“I know lots of good stretches to help work out the kinks from a night on that evil couch,” he offered.
“Thanks,” I replied, accepting the coffee.
Leo moved closer to me and raised his mug to his lips. “Is there someone we need to fuck up?” he murmured, flicking his stare to Gertie. Her bruises looked just as bad today as they had last night and would probably take a few days to die down. I should have warned my sisters as it was a startling sight.
“Yes, we do indeed. No one messes with our Gertie.”
Leo grunted and clinked my mug with his. “I’m on it,” he said, then moved away and put an arm around Gertie’s shoulders, always the protector of our little group. I caught the way Maddy’s stare lingered on the arm Leo slung around Gertie before her eyes flicked to mine then away again.
After a while, Gertie broke away and came over. She had her wild hair piled up on her head, a few curls spilling out from the messy knot but her eyes were bright and clear. She had on one of my dresses that struggled to contain her generous curves and the lilac cowgirl boots that Daddy had bought her for her sixteenth birthday. She looked amazing.
“How’d you sleep?” I asked, hugging her.
“Like a log. How I’ve missed that Redemption Ranch air,” she sighed.
“It was probably all the wine,” I added.
“Definitely the wine,” she agreed with a smirk. “What’s the plan for today?”
My brows shot up. “You wanna help out?”
She shrugged. “Sure, I need to earn my keep if I’m staying here.”
“No Gerts, you don’t.”
“Well, I want to. I love this place so put me to work, boss.” She mock-saluted me.
I took Gertie with me to the stables and immediately bumped into Jack coming out of them. I rebounded off the wide wall of his chest and teetered on my feet. He gripped my arm and tugged me forward to stop me from falling. The heat rippled all the way up my arm and had me fighting a shiver, but when I lifted my stare to his face, he wouldn’t look at me.
“Sorry,” I mumbled. He didn’t say anything, just ducked around me and out of sight. His black Stetson perched on his head, his brown hair curling out from under it. A pair of blue Wranglers molded to his hips and his boots clomping as he walked away. He looked every inch a true cowboy and the sight was something to behold.
“Oh dang,” Gertie whispered when he walked away. “Check out those muscles.” I glared at her and she held up her hands in surrender. “Sorry, they just took me by surprise, that’s all.”
“You and me both,” I sighed. I tugged her into the stables and she started cleaning the stalls while I fed the horses.
I was inspecting her work when Tate came in.
“Morning Katarina,” he said, his deep voice echoing around the stables. Gertie stiffened and a small smile split her face before she slowly turned to face him.
He did a double take, his forehead puckering. “Gertrude.”
“Hey Tatey,” she waved at him.
I watched as his eyes roved her face, taking in her injuries and his mouth pulled into a tight line. He stomped over to her and gripped her chin, raising her face to the light and inspecting her wounds, a low growl emanating from him.
My eyes widened in shock at Tate’s movements. His face twisted into a mask of anger, unlike anything I’d seen from him before.
“Was it him?” he uttered, his voice dangerously low. Gertie gave the slightest shake of her head.
“Then who did this?” he demanded. I was ready to step in and save her from being abused by yet another man, when a small smile unfurled from her lips as she stared at him.
“No one, sugar,” Gertie replied.
He stroked his thumb over her chin before releasing her, his hand fisting and knuckles blanching. “Are you…well?” His voice was strained and harsh, but his face had slipped back to its usual calm, blank expression.
Gertie dipped her head. “I am, are you?”
Like whatever spell he was under was broken, he glanced around, seeing me standing there, gazing at him in shock. “Excuse me,” he said in lieu of answering her and stalked from the stables.
“What the hell was that?” I said, looking at Gertie who was staring after him. “He’s never acted like that before!”
“He always was a little strange. He was just concerned, Kitty Kat. Is he still living in the same house?”
I nodded. “Yep, he’s still there. So if you had moved back into your mom’s place, you’d have been neighbors again.”
Gertie sighed. “Great.”
Tate never reappeared but it wasn’t an issue, he was only checking up on one of the horses. If I saw the medication wasn’t working, I could call him.
Other than briefly introducing himself to Gertie, I didn’t see Jack for the rest of the day and I was like a junkie needing a fix. I was twitchy and nervous just wanting to be around him.
I sulked through the afternoon and when it was dinnertime, Gertie insisted on helping me cook but quickly got frustrated.
“Kitty Kat, you are no use to me if you’re pining like that.”
“Hmm?” I lifted my head from where I was peeling potatoes but all I’d done was peel so much it was just all potato shavings and no potato.
Gertie nudged me with her rounded hip and flicked a dish towel at me. “Go and talk to him.”
I shook my head. “I can’t.”
“No, you won’t . There’s a difference.”
I met her disapproving stare, my stomach twisting when I locked onto the bruising again, horrified at what Shithead Gary had done to my best friend.
“You know, I don’t remember you being this much of a chicken,” Gertie goaded.
I gave her a withering stare. “I’m not fifteen anymore, that won’t work on me.”
She smirked. “Sorry, all I heard was bawk bawk bawk …”
I chucked a handful of potato peelings at her. “You’re unbearable.”
She ducked and laughed. “That’s why you love me. Now go .” She chased me out of the kitchen and then the next thing I knew, I was on the small porch of the cabin, smoothing my hands over my jeans and fluffing my hair.
I raised a trembling hand and knocked.