CHAPTER THIRTY
Jack
The knock on the door had me throwing a blanket over the diorama I was making.
Daisy had already been by this afternoon to see how it was shaping up, so I doubted it was her. I wanted it to be Kat but I also didn’t know what I would say to her. It was probably Leo wanting another guys’ night, but I wasn’t in a sociable mood.
I was stunned when I opened the door and saw Kat on the other side. She looked at me with wide eyes, her expression so open and hopeful. She was wringing her hands together and I realized she was nervous. I’d never seen her nervous before. Her long blonde hair hung over one shoulder in a thick braid and her white sundress contrasted beautifully against the deep tan she’d gotten from all our work in the sun .
I knew her feet were tucked into those damn pink cowgirl boots but I don’t think I could have kept my hands to myself if I’d looked down and seen them. I kept my stare straight ahead and locked on hers.
“Everything okay, Katarina?” I asked, concerned that she actually needed my help and wasn’t just here to talk or for anything else.
“Are you alone?” she asked, peering behind me.
I frowned. “Yes?” I must have imagined the look of relief that flitted across her face before she smoothed her expression.
“Can I come in?”
I stepped back to let her pass, her floral scent drifting on the breeze behind her and making a beeline for my nostrils. I cleared my throat, willing myself to pull it together but I just wanted to grab her, bury my face in her neck and take a deep inhale.
I closed the door and she looked around the room and I panicked she would spot the diorama and want to know what it was so I stood on the opposite side of the room to make her face me.
“What’s up?” I folded my arms over my chest.
Her eyes latched onto the action before she swallowed loudly and met my stare. “I, uh, wanted to apologize.”
“No apology necessary,” I replied curtly.
“Jack, please let me?” Her brows dipped in, pleading with me and I was helpless to resist, I nodded. “I’m so sorry I blamed you for telling my sisters about the problems with the ranch. I shouldn’t have doubted you. I know you wouldn’t do that, hell I realized it right away, but I just couldn’t face you. I was a coward, and I let things fester and I’m sorry.”
She twisted her hands together again and spoke softly. Each one of her words was like a soothing balm to my tattered pride and aching soul. I felt the weight lift from my chest, pleased that she knew my character and knew I wouldn’t have done that to her, couldn’t have done that to her.
“Do you…” she began. “Do you think we could pick up where we left off?”
God, I wanted to, I did. But that fight in the pasture had highlighted more than one issue between us. She was right. I hadn’t forgiven myself for what happened to her mother and I didn’t think I could. It would always loom between us, like a dark presence, and I didn’t want that to bleed into any good times we would have, even if it killed me to stay away from her.
I scrubbed a hand along my jaw, my heart pounding as I said the words that tasted so foul. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Oh…” Her expression smoothed but the light in her eyes dimmed, and I hated myself for doing that. I didn’t say any more, couldn’t, because all I would do was drag her into my arms and beg her to love me, beg her to tell me that it would all be okay, and we would have a happy life together.
But it was just wishful thinking.
She stared at me, and my heart cracked and shattered into pieces the longer I had to look at her. I saw the tears form and they wrecked me. She ducked her head, staring at her hands and a moment later, a tear fell. My hands gripped my biceps to stop myself from reaching for her.
“Kat…” I rasped, my throat hoarse from all the words, the emotion I was holding back.
“Okay well, like I said, I’m really sorry and I hope we can continue to work together,” she said, her voice wobbly and then she was hurrying out the door.
The cabin was silent, empty. I seethed at myself, at the unfairness of life for putting this beautiful, perfect, wonderful woman in front of me, so close yet so out of reach.
“Fuck!” I shouted, stepping forward and swinging my hand, knocking the diorama to the floor. My skin vibrated with anger. I needed a release. I needed a drink but I didn’t do that anymore and I wouldn’t again, which left nowhere for the anger to go.
I paced up and down, stomping my feet against the creaking floorboards. I went for a run, hoping the exercise would tire me so my anger would dull but it remained, sizzling away and only growing worse.
When I got back to the cabin there was a woman on my porch, leaning against the side, one leg cocked, the foot resting against the wall. I’d only met her today, she was Kat’s best friend which meant she was someone I wanted to get on with but judging by the look on her face, I was already an enemy.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” She spoke softly but there was a lethal edge to her voice. “You fuck with that woman in there,” she pointed towards the house. “And you fuck with me.”
“Listen, Gertie, you don’t understand—”
She poked my shoulder, her face coming into the light and I spotted the bruise around her eye and the cut on her lip. She’d clearly been through her own version of hell recently.
“No asshole, you don’t understand. My girl just came out here to put her heart on the line and I’m guessing from her tears, you didn’t take care of that heart, did you?” she spat.
The knowledge that Kat was so upset tore me up inside. “It’s for the best.”
Gertie snorted. “ Says who?”
“Says me!”
“I call bullshit. What’s your ish?”
“My ish?”
“Your issue? We’ve all got them, what’s yours?”
She had a lot of balls for someone so tiny. “That’s none of your business.” I brushed past her, careful not to hurt her and went into the cabin. Teddy barked like a madman when he saw Gertie and although I tried to shut the door, she hip-checked it and busted her way in. She cooed to Teddy who immediately quieted and rolled over, showing her his belly.
“I’ve never seen her like this, Jack. You’re special. And I’ve only known you one day but the way you were trudging around the ranch like someone stole your favorite toy tells me she’s special to you too. So help me understand why you’re not having make up sex right now?”
I rubbed my hands over my face, still damp with sweat from the run that didn’t help at all. “It’s complicated.”
“Uncomplicate it for me. My beauty may be bruised but I’ve still got brains, I can figure it out.”
I snorted, she was a pistol all right, and I found myself admiring her guts. “I can’t be with her, it wouldn’t work so it’s best we end things now.”
“Why?”
“Because I killed her mother!”
Gertie shrugged. “And?”
I gaped at her, my eyes and mouth as wide as each other at her nonchalance. She rolled her eyes and bent down to rub Teddy’s belly. “Look, what happened, happened. No one can change it but it’s already damaged everyone enough. You’re going to let it stop you both from being happy? It’s clear she’s forgiven you for it, seems like the whole family has. ”
“I can’t forgive myself.”
“Ah, I see. Survivor’s guilt?”
I shot her a weak smile. “I just call it guilt.”
She straightened and stepped over Teddy and the shattered diorama but didn’t spare it a glance. “Have you ever done anything about it?”
I shook my head. “Like what?”
She threw her hands up, exasperated. “I don’t know, like try and move on? Go to therapy and work through it?”
I looked away from her bright, penetrating stare. She was annoying me now, asking me questions and acting like everything was so damn easy.
“Imma take that as a no?” she pressed.
I huffed out a breath. “No.”
“Well, Mr. Smarty Pants, why don’t you start there and do it fast, before she sees you’re not willing to fight for her and finds someone who is.” With that, she gave me a once over and shook her head before she stomped out of the cabin.
When she was gone I slumped down onto the couch. Teddy immediately got onto my lap and peered up at me panting, his tongue lolling out the side of his mouth. I stroked his head and found myself relaxing. Teddy was a bit like a therapy dog, he calmed me and gave me a sense of purpose.
Thinking about Gertie’s words and Teddy’s influence, maybe I should look into therapy. I scoffed at the thought but my brain refused to let it go. I clearly wasn’t getting very far dealing with it on my own. But is that because I didn’t want to? I got to live my life, I got to have fun and go out and work hard and love, and Sherry didn’t get to do any of that. Because of me. Making myself feel shit was a way to punish myself for what happened, and I felt like I should be punished, it was only fair.
But what if you’ve been punished enough? A tiny voice piped up, a voice that sounded a little bit like Kat. Maybe I’d been so busy focusing on the need to punish myself even after my sentence ended that I hadn’t taken a step back to see if I should be doing that.
I glanced down at Teddy, then at the ruined diorama of the new guest ranch. Hope sprung to life at the possibility of this project. “Maybe it’s time I start living for me?” I said to Teddy. He barked in agreement.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and opened up Google and proceeded to search for therapists near you . Once that was done and I had a couple of places to call, I stood up and picked up the diorama and began to rebuild.