Chapter 17
Felix
M y gut reaction was anger. Closer to rage actually. It bubbled up fast and hard and I blanked out my expression instead of letting it show. Kellan didn’t deserve that type of reaction. He was just trying to help, misguided as it was.
“I don’t need that,” I said, working extra hard to keep my tone even.
“Yeah, you do.” Kellan said with a little laugh, pushing the walker a few inches closer to me. “I’ve seen the way you’ve had to struggle to stand. The careful steps you’re taking. This will help.”
He wasn’t wrong, but that didn’t mean I needed the walker. I’d chosen the cane on purpose for the day. If I’d thought that I was going to have real trouble, I just would have made it a chair day. With these people, I didn’t have to hide that part of me. But given my pain level and the event, the cane had been the way to go.
“I don’t need it,” I repeated, and took a step forward, ready to maneuver around him.
“Hey, wait a minute.” Kellan put himself directly in my path, pushing the walker to the side. He touched my cheek to make me look at him. His eyes held nothing but compassion and understanding. “No one is going to judge—”
“I know that,” I bit out. Kellan snapped his mouth shut. I blew out a breath and tried for a smile that didn’t work and settled for softening my tone. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap. But that’s not what this is about.”
He cocked his head to the side, studying me for a few seconds. “Then explain it to me? Why make it harder on yourself? Because I don’t get it.”
“You wouldn’t. And hopefully you never do.”
Kellan’s face fell and I realized he misinterpreted my words. I hadn’t meant that I didn’t want him to understand me. I just hoped he never suffered from the chronic pain and disability that I did. I grabbed his arm before he could move away and jerked my chin to the right. “Come here.”
I made my way down the short hall to the dining room, where I knew there were chairs I could easily get in and out of. Before I sat, I turned two of the chairs to face each other and then lowered myself into one of them. Kellan took a few seconds to sit opposite me.
“I hope, with all that I am, that you never have the type of injury that debilitates you to this degree. I hope you always remain able-bodied and fully functional. Because it fucking sucks sometimes.”
A lot of the time, actually. But I wasn’t going to pile that on top of everything else. The core of this conversation was the important part.
Kellan’s expression cleared, so I knew he understood what I’d meant now. He grabbed my hand. “Okay, so why make it harder on yourself? Why not use whatever mobility aid helps you the most? You deserve to be the most comfortable you can be.”
His thought process didn’t match mine. Clearly, he thought I was punishing myself or something. Just being stubborn. Not that I would even deny that I was stubborn, because I certainly was. But this wasn’t about that either.
I’d never really put it into words so I had to take a moment to sort out my thoughts. “Every time I go anywhere, I have to evaluate a hundred different factors. How I’m feeling, what I can handle, terrain, people, situations…it’s never ending. I’ve gotten used to it. I know myself very well. And the mobility aids I choose are deliberate.”
I glanced up at him to make sure he was listening, and it was clear that he was. Kellan was completely focused on me and that made it easier to keep eye contact as I continued.
“You thought you were helping. I can’t blame you for that because we’ve never discussed this. We probably should have. Told you I sucked at communication.” The self-deprecating grin was automatic, and some of the spark returned to Kellan’s eyes. He grabbed my other hand so he was holding both and squeezed. I held on. “But without that context, it seemed as though you were undermining my choices and decisions.”
“I just wanted to help,” he said earnestly.
“I know, honey. I know. But my gut reaction was different.” I gave a shrug then figured I should add my thought process. “The walker is a pain in the ass. It gets in the way. It’s sometimes hard to maneuver through doors, especially in this house because it’s older and the doorways aren’t as wide. I decided on the cane because it’s easier in all those ways. My pain isn’t that bad today, but even if it was worse, I still would have brought the chair and the cane instead of the walker.”
Kellan chewed his lip as he processed all that information. I could practically see his brain work as he filed it away. After another minute or so, he asked, “So give me an example of when you would have brought the walker?”
That was easy. “If they’d had this party at the Inn, in the dining room, with the double doors and the accessible bathroom, and I was in a bit more pain or more stiff.”
He nodded then scooted forward on his seat so his knees were between mine. “I’m sorry.”
“You’re forgiven.” I popped a kiss on his mouth. Then offered my own apology. “I’m sorry I got angry and snappy for a minute there.”
“You already apologized for that. You’re forgiven, too.” He gave me a cheeky sort of grin and then sobered a second later. “Thanks for explaining it. Can I ask that, in the future, you just tell me what you’re bringing and maybe why?”
That rankled a bit but I knew why and it gave me the opportunity for my own ask. “I’ll try. But I also ask that you trust that I know what I need.”
He shook his head with a chuckle. “Felix, babe, you’re not great at taking care of yourself.”
It was said with humor, and he wasn’t wrong, so I didn’t take offense. “That may be true. But managing my pain and my mobility is my responsibility. Okay?
Kellan nodded and leaned further into my space, so I grabbed him up and hugged him tightly. The way he sighed and relaxed into me was rewarding. After a few minutes of us just holding each other, he kissed my neck.
“That was very good communication. You deserve a reward. Positive reinforcement and all that.”
His suggestive tone heated my blood. I slid a hand under the hem of his T-shirt and stroked his skin just to watch him shiver. He did not disappoint. He was always so reactive to everything I did. I loved that I could turn him on just from a touch.
“Is that so?”
Kellan nodded rapidly. “Gotta make sure you—oh damn that feels good—keep up the good work.”
With my free hand I grabbed his chin, forcing his face up. His pupils dilated as I watched. I chuckled wickedly. “Be a good boy. We’ll have to save it for later.”
Kellan’s disappointed whine made me laugh.
T he party was still going strong hours later, when the mosquitoes came out in full force despite the citronella candles. The kids were still running around, having the time of their lives. The adults were just as engaged with each other, and the food and drink. It didn’t show any signs of ending anytime soon. I had mixed feelings about it, both enjoying the company of this select group of people and ready to be done with socializing.
I rubbed my arms, feeling the chill now that the sun had gone down. It wasn’t exactly cold, but after the eighty degree day the sudden drop was noticeable. I smacked a blood sucker trying to get me and figured I would end up having a bite anyway.
Kellan suddenly appeared at my side and held out a yellow plaid…something to me. I furrowed my brow but he just wiggled his and shook it at me. It was a shirt.
“Come on,” he needled softly. “You know you want it.”
I took the shirt from him and held it out, looking it over. “Where’d you get this?”
“I keep it in the car. Never know when you need an extra layer. Lucky I did because you need it now.”
Again, that instinct to deny swelled up but I pushed it down. What would it hurt? It would save my arms from goosebumps and mosquitos. It would be stupid to refuse it. I shook my head, but leaned forward enough so that I could pull it on. It smelled like Kellan and I inhaled deeply. I heard Kellan suck in a breath, and when I looked up, I saw his eyes darken.
Apparently he liked the way I looked in his shirt. I could handle that.
I was about to say something that shouldn’t be said in front of children, but Oak called for Kellan then. Kellan shook his head as though he needed to clear whatever thoughts were running through his brain, then gave me a wink and crossed the yard in his long-legged stride. I shifted to the side so I could watch his ass as he moved.
“Man, you are a smitten kitten.” Teague’s voice rumbled from somewhere next to me and without even looking at him, I flipped him off. He just chuckled. The laughter was still in his words as he added, “It looks good on you.”
“Nobody asked you,” I grumbled, but weirdly, it was nice to hear. At least from Teague, who knew me better than anyone, except for maybe Ma.
“I’m just saying.” Teague dragged a chair closer and sat next to me with a groan of a man who’d been on his feet too long. He smacked my arm. “Tell me how things are going.”
“Fine. Good. Kellan’s Kellan and I’m me and we’re…working on it.” I shifted in my seat, trying to find a more comfortable spot. When I did, I sighed. “Don’t make a big deal out of it.”
“Fine.” Teague somehow turned the word into two syllables. “How’s the Nook?”
I was quick to latch onto the subject change, glad he’d gone with it. Teague was a good friend that way. “I’m looking to hire a part-timer.”
“Do tell.”
We talked for a while about the shop, which then moved into firewood and Teague’s various endeavors. Twilight was deep on the ground before I realized that things had really wound down. Mary was apparently dozing in a reclining lawn chair and Sean was carrying what was left of the food into the house. Nic and Dana said their goodbyes, and seconds later, I noticed Reagan had disappeared too. I figured that was enough of an excuse to take our leave.
I called Kellan’s name, which startled Mary. Kellan immediately ended the conversation he was having with Oak and Charlie and loped over, a wide smile on his face.
“Whatcha need?”
I gave him a pointed look. “Ready to go?”
He blinked and then gave me a wicked grin. “You bet.”
Saying goodbye took longer than I expected. Conversations kept dragging on. But eventually we were back in the car and heading toward my place. Neither of us talked, just let the soft music wash over us. Kellan kept his hand on my thigh, idly drawing patterns on the inseam of my jeans. It was working for me. I was tired but I’d definitely have enough energy to ravish him before we slept.
Kellan parked his car as close as he could to my front door, but before he could get out, I laid a hand on his arm. He turned inquisitive eyes toward me. I smiled.
“Get the walker for me please?”
His face lit up and he jumped out of the car. I turned my head to watch him jog to the back. Asking for his help made him so happy. It wasn’t something I could do a lot, I just didn’t have it in me, but I made sure to make a note. Sometimes, I should ask, just to make him happy. In that vein, I let him assist me from the car as well, but I did wave him back as I made my way inside. That part was easier and I felt steadier if I did it on my own.
Kellan bustled in after me and went straight to the standing lamp in the living room, turning it on. It had only been a few weeks but he already knew I didn’t use the big light. I liked particular lamps turned on instead. He turned on the light over the sink in the kitchen as well and disappeared down the short hallway. A second later, I could see the edge of the soft glow from the sconce. He was grinning widely when he returned.
I smiled back. “I need to get the sweat and bug spray off of me. A shower is in order.”
Kellan nodded. “Okay, I’ll just—”
“Honey?”
His head jerked toward me. “Hm?”
“Join me.”
It wasn’t a request and he knew it. But fortunately for me, he was completely on board. So much so that he ran to me, though with his long legs it only took him three or so steps. I let go of the walker to grab his face, pull him down, and kiss him until he couldn’t breathe. I liked him panting. Then I gave him a gentle shove toward the bathroom.
By the time I made it in there, he’d started the water and gotten naked. I leaned against the doorjamb so I could look at him. Tall and lean, a hint of muscle, and the tattoos created a beautiful picture. He caught sight of me out of the corner of his eye and started posing. I laughed.
I left the walker outside the door and held onto the vanity as I made my way inside. I had to sit on the closed toilet lid to remove my shoes and socks. To this day, I hated wearing shoes inside, but I needed the additional support. I had rubber-soled moccasins I wore around the house, but that was only when I wasn’t going anywhere.
Kellan knelt at my feet before I could bend over, and I gave him a single nod in permission to remove my footwear. He tossed the shoes out the door, and the socks in the laundry basket. Then he helped me to stand, stripped off my shirt, and unbuttoned my jeans. I gripped his shoulders hard once he got my pants and boxers around my ankles. It wasn’t easy to stand on one leg, especially if it was my left, but Kellan was strong enough to support me in those few seconds. Then we were both blissfully naked.
I would have loved to pull his body against mine and just make out for a while, but that was asking a bit too much of my legs. I tugged his hand as I made my way to the shower instead. The bathroom had been the first thing I’d had remodeled, so it was plenty roomy. It was big enough for a shower chair, so I knew we’d have no trouble fitting. I’d had a seat built into the wall after I’d healed as much as I was going to, so I gripped the bar and lowered myself onto it.
Kellan picked up the bodywash. His voice was soft. “Can I wash you?”
I had to sit with that for a second, because the last time anyone had washed me had been because I couldn't do it myself. That gut reaction to refuse, to insist I could do it myself, reared its head. But I checked it fast, because I knew damn well that’s not what Kellan meant. He wanted to touch me and I’d be stupid not to let him.
I nodded.
He went to work, his strokes smooth and enticing as much as cleansing. I let out a happy sigh as he rubbed sore muscles. He went to his knees to wash my legs and feet, and his touch was so gentle it brought tears to my eyes. I pretended it was from the shower head and tilted my face away. But when he lowered his head, ready to take me into his mouth, I stopped him. His whine was adorable.
“Save it. Wash yourself. Give me a show.” I leaned back against the tiles, glad they’d warmed enough in the hot water.
Kellan gave me a downright wicked grin as he slowly got to his feet. Then he did indeed put on a show. The way he washed himself was nothing short of sensual. I was hard enough to pound nails by the time he was finished. So was he. When he came closer to wash my hair, I wrapped my fingers around his dick.
“I thought we were, nggh , waiting?” he panted out.
“You are,” I responded. My voice sounded like gravel under tires and he gave a whole body shiver. I stroked him slowly, making the grip barely tight enough for him to feel. He whimpered and cursed softly, but then louder when I let go. His fingers were magic against my scalp though, and I couldn’t focus on both.
Kellan kissed me, hard and wanting, and I got the impression in that second, that if he could have crawled inside of me, he would have. I had to tell him twice to wash his own hair, and when he finally complied, he was a lot rougher with his own head than he’d been with mine. As soon as he rinsed, he snapped the water off.
It took us a few minutes to get dry but then I held on to him as we headed to the bedroom, Kellam helpfully kicking my shoes out of the way so we didn’t trip. It was only a few feet, but I still needed to hold on. Some of the lust in his eyes tempered to affection, and I liked to see it. But I was far more focused on something else.
“What was it that you said about positive reinforcement?”
“Hmm?”
We were close enough to the bed that I let go, then gave him a shove. He stumbled, but didn’t go down. So I pushed again, this time deliberately raising my brow. Kellan let himself fall face down, but when he went to climb onto the mattress, I stayed him with a hand on his hip.
“Don’t move.”
He froze instantly, legs hanging off the edge, ass exactly at the right height. I picked up the lube from my nightstand then popped the top. I took in the long line of his back, watching his ribs move as he breathed hard, while I slathered my cock.
I barely had enough energy and I was going to hurt tomorrow, but it was absolutely worth it. Besides, we were both primed and ready after that shower so I knew it wouldn’t take long. I got him ready with quick fingers, thanking whatever deity that watched over gay men that Kellan didn’t need much prep, and then pushed my way inside.
Kellan was loud. He always had been. And he let out the most lascivious moan at the top of his voice. I had to brace myself against him, and I was gripping him so hard I knew I’d leave marks. I didn’t think he’d mind. It only took a few strokes to find the angle that made him yell, and then I went to town on his ass, thrusting as hard and as fast as I was capable. Kellan clenched the sheets in his fist and squeezed his ass, making everything tighter.
It was fast and hard, and he was screaming my name a few minutes later, while I held down his flailing arms. I followed him, the vice of his channel enough to send me over. I must have blacked out for a moment or two, because when I became aware, I was draped over his back, breathing hard.
“You all right?” he asked, sounding both fucked out and a little worried.
I chuckled. “I’m gonna hurt tomorrow.”
“Felix!” He definitely sounded more with it now. I turned my head and peppered his shoulder with kisses, holding him down so he didn’t move. I wasn’t ready yet.
“Totally worth it.”
He was silent for a moment. “Oh. Well then.”
I let out a groan and wiggled slightly so I could get my lips on his neck. “You’re gonna have to be on cleanup duty though. And when I can move, you’re gonna have to help me into bed.”
Kellan sounded thoroughly satisfied when he said, “Totally worth it.”