Four
FOUR
HARLEY
Sixteen Years Old
My heart pounds as I sit on the old stone bench overlooking the North Sea. The water is calm today, and the waves are mere ripples that ebb and flow along the shoreline, capturing anything that tries to escape their hold and dragging it back into the depths.
My thoughts drift to Hadrian, and I wonder what he’s going to say when he gets here. This is the one place I know we’re safe from prying eyes. Nerves have never been an issue for me. I’m usually confident when it comes to asking for what I want, but I feel I’m out of my depth with Hadrian. In truth, I am drowning because I’ve never fancied a lad before, so I’ve never had to chat one up.
The sun peeks at me from behind broken clouds, dappling my face with specks of sunlight. I’ve invited Hadrian here today because I want to tell him how I feel before he moves on without me. I’ve replayed this scene a thousand times in my mind— the moment I confess my true feelings and the moments after that when he admits he feels the same way.
I know there’s something between us. I can feel the tension whenever we’re close. Even in a crowded room, his eyes always find mine. It’s clear there are emotions tugging us towards each other, which is why I’m waiting for Hadrian to arrive so he can hear me out.
I’ve read all the romance novels I can get my hands on, and they all end in a happy ever after. Even romantic movie plots are the same. This is the part in the story where the big confession finally brings the two characters together.
Usually, it’s the good girl and the bad boy who find love, but with Hadrian, I feel as if I’m the troublemaker in our scenario because my father is a gangster.
Hadrian’s footsteps alert me to his arrival, and I turn to see him walking up the small hill that leads to the edge of the cliff where I’m sitting on the bench. He looks so good in the glowing sunshine that’s broken free from behind the clouds. My stomach somersaults when he looks up and sees me.
Over the months Hadrian’s been working for my father, he’s grown a collection of tattoos that now snake from his wrists to his chest and all the way up his neck. Every inch of him is a colourful canvas. I wish with everything I have that I could explore the artwork that adorns his skin, but I know it’s pointless asking him because he always stoically refuses to talk about the ink he’s accumulated.
“Wee Magpie,” he says with a grin that makes my heart gallop against my ribs.
“Hadrian,” I greet him with a smile. “What’s goin’ on at the house?”
“Yer da is being a pain in the arse as usual,” he tells me with a wink as he settles into the seat beside me.
“I wanted to ask you something,” I say before I lose my nerve.
“Aye?” There’s a gentleness in his eyes that I don’t see often. It’s only when we talk to each other that he allows those walls to come down, ever so slightly.
“My birthday is coming up,” I tell him.
“Aye, I know, lass.”
“I was wondering if you’d got me anything.”
He laughs at this. It’s a low rumbling chuckle that vibrates through his chest. “I haven’t yet, Magpie.”
“Well, I want something specific,” I say, twisting round on the bench so I’m facing him.
“Oh aye? And what’s that?” His brow arches as he looks at me, his tall stature imposing as he sits back and rests his arm along the back of the bench.
“So…” I start slowly. “I’m sure you know I like ya. Have done for a fair while now.” Pausing, I swallow down the nervous lump in my throat. “Well, I’d like you to be my first kiss.”
The words fall out of my mouth like a tidal wave crashing against the rock face of the cliffs that we’re sitting above.
Hadrian is silent for so long I feel dizzy from holding my breath. My confession is hanging in the air between us like a delicate thread.
Suddenly, he pushes to his feet and takes a step towards the edge. His long hair whips in the wind, its chestnut colour shimmering in the sunlight as he looks out to sea.
He’s a few paces away, his back turned to me, but I can feel the tension radiating from him. I watch his shoulders tense and then relax as he takes a deep breath. Everything about him screams danger, but this is the only time I’ve ever felt afraid when I’ve been with him. He’s holding something fragile in his hands, and it’s something that belongs to me. He could so easily break my heart right now.
He finally turns around, and his dark eyes meet mine. There’s an intensity in his stare that thrills me and scares me at the same time.
“Harley,” he begins slowly, his voice steady but laced with a sadness that twists my insides. “You’re only sixteen. You don’t understand what you’re feeling.”
My eyes widen, stinging in response to the simplicity of his dismissal. “But I do, Hadrian. I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life. I’ve thought about this for months.” I hate that I feel so vulnerable.
He shakes his head, his expression a mixture of guilt and regret. “You’re too young. What you feel now…it’s not?—”
“Don’t say it’s not real,” I interrupt, standing up and closing the distance between us. “I know what I feel. It’s not just some silly schoolgirl crush.”
“Harley,” he says softly, placing his hands on my shoulders and gently pushing me backwards so I’m an arm’s length away. “You need to forget about me. There’s no future for us. Not now. Not ever.”
My eyes fill with tears, and I search his face for any sign of wavering. “But why, Hadrian?”
He sighs heavily, his grip on my shoulders tightening briefly before he lets go. “It’s wrong. You’re a minor. I’m an adult. And it’s not just about us. Your father has laws that would mean we’d have to runaway to be together. If we were to… it would ruin your life, Harley.”
“I’ll be seventeen soon. And I don’t care about his laws,” I shout, my voice breaking. “I care about you. I care about us.”
“I know you might not believe this right now, but I care about you too much to let you ruin your life for me,” he replies, his voice firm but tender. “You deserve so much more than a relationship that would always be tainted by secrecy and fear. You deserve to experience life, and the sacrifices you would have to make for us to be together would be a burden I don’t want you to carry.”
Tears are streaming down my cheeks now, and I can’t stop them. “So, you don’t feel anything for me. Is that what you’re telling me?” There’s a hint of anger in my words as embarrassment takes hold of me.
Hadrian closes his eyes, a pained expression crossing his face. When he opens them again, they are filled with an aching sorrow. “I never said that. But my feelings don’t matter. What matters is doing the right thing.”
“Who decides what’s right and wrong?” I rasp, frustration and heartbreak tainting my voice. “Why can’t we just…?”
“Harley, listen to me,” he says, interrupting me gently. “Hades and I are heading down to London.”
“Oh.”
The disappointment on my face must be clear. I already know Hadrian and his brother have told my father they’re leaving. It’s the reason I wanted to speak to him. I needed to know if there was any chance my feelings were reciprocated. I hoped to persuade him I’m worth staying around for. But it seems, all I’ll ever have of Hadrian is this moment.
I can’t bear to think about him walking out and never coming back. London is so far from here and very different from the place I’ve grown up in. I’ve often begged my father to let me go visit there, but it’s never been an option. He has too many enemies in the south.
Hadrian takes a step closer and cups my face in his hands, his thumbs brushing away my tears. “You are amazing, Harley. You are smart, beautiful, and so full of life. But you’re still growing, still discovering who you are. I would never forgive myself if I took that away from you.”
I lean into his touch, closing my eyes so I can capture this moment. It’s going to be the one memory of Hadrian I’ll keep forever.
“But it hurts so much,” I whisper. “It feels like my heart is breaking.”
“I know,” he replies softly, his voice choked with emotion. “It hurts me, too. More than you can imagine. But sometimes loving someone means letting them go.”
I open my eyes, meeting his gaze, and I no longer care that I must seem desperate to him right now. I don’t care that he only sees me as a silly little girl.
I start to beg, “Please, Hadrian. Don’t do this. Don’t go.”
He releases me and steps back, shaking his head. “I have to. You’ll see, Magpie, one day you’ll thank me. When you’re older, you’ll understand why it has to be this way.”
I watch him for a long, painful moment before I shake my head, “I’ll never understand,” I reply quietly. “And I’ll never forget you.” My voice cracks, and I feel a sense of loss that engulfs my entire being.
Hadrian’s expression softens, and he looks as if he wants to reach out to me again, but he holds himself back. “And I’ll never forget you, Harley. But this is goodbye.”
With that, he turns and walks away, his footsteps echoing in the same breeze that’s whipping my long hair across my face. I stand motionless, feeling as if the world has just shattered around me. The weight of our forbidden emotions presses down on me, and sinking onto the bench, I bury my face in my hands as sobs wrack my body, and I wonder if I’ll ever feel whole again.
Time seems to stand still as I remain seated on the bench while the sun slowly sinks below the horizon. I know I’ll have to find a way to move on, to live without him. But in this moment, it feels impossible.
All I can do is cry for the love that could never be and the man I could never have.
Seventeen Years Old
It’s been two months since Hadrian left, and I’m back at the old stone bench overlooking the sea. I trace the small heart with a letter H on either side of it that I carved into the wooden seat after he left. My fingers tremble, and tears blur my vision.
He’s gone.
Each morning, when I wake and go downstairs, there are no longer any loud, gruff voices. My father sits eating breakfast at the table with a few of his men, but two are missing, and I know they’re not coming back.
The first morning after Hadrian and Hades left, my father didn’t look up when I entered the dining room, and he didn’t greet me. I could tell his emotions were a mix of loss and discontent. He loved both the twins almost as much as I loved the one.
Since Hadrian’s departure, I’ve tried to immerse myself in my studies and the planning of my birthday party, but everything reminds me of him. The books we used to talk about, the music we both liked, and our discussions about the places we wanted to see, including the cities and towns I’ve only ever heard of or seen on telly.
I dream about him every night. He’s there, in my mind’s eye, telling me he wants me.
I know I have to let go of him. But my heart is stubbornly refusing to follow my head.
“Why did it have to be this way?” I whisper to the chilly wind that’s blowing off the sea. “Why couldn’t things be different?”
I’ll live the rest of my life knowing my first love was unrequited. My feelings, our feelings, were forbidden, but it didn’t stop them from taking hold. It didn’t stop them from being real.
I realise now that Hadrian left so I could find my own way. Hadrian wanted me to have a happy life, to experience things that he said he couldn’t give me, and to have the freedom to choose my own future, and I want to have that, too. But my father’s organisation is getting bigger and more volatile, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to escape this life, and even if I wanted to walk away, I can’t bear the thought of abandoning my father.
When I stand up to leave, I feel a sense of peace wash over me. As angry as I am with Hadrian, I know he did this for me. I look back over my shoulder, my gaze on the sea. I’m still heartbroken he had to leave, knowing there would never be a chance for us, but I have to focus on my life now. I need to be stronger and more resilient in the days ahead.
“Goodbye, Hadrian,” I whisper, a tear slipping down my cheek. “Thank you for loving me enough to let me go.”
With that, I walk away, leaving the past behind but carrying its lessons with me. I know that life is full of unexpected turns and that true love sometimes means making the hardest choices, but I also know I am stronger now. I’m ready to face whatever the future holds.
I feel a sense of hope as I walk back into the house and see my father in the lounge. He’s on the couch, watching telly, and when I enter, he smiles for the first time in a long while.
“I’ve been wanting to talk to you,” he says as I join him.
“Oh? What about?”
He sighs as he mutes the telly. “I never intended for you to get involved in the organisation. I always hoped you would get to choose your own path, but things have come up, and I need you to start working for me full-time.”
His words sink my heart like a dead weight.
“What?”
“Aye,” he says with a nod. “I want ye to learn about the organisation, so if anything happens to me, you’ll be prepared to take over.”
I watch my father for a silent moment. The twisting in my stomach reminds me that there’s no way I can refuse him. Even though it’s not what I want to do with my life, he needs me.
“Okay.”
I’ve lost Hadrian, my first love, but I’m slowly gaining a deeper understanding of myself. I thought about escaping my father’s world, but now there’s no stopping where my future leads.
I’ve come to learn what it means to truly care for someone. It’s the greatest gift Hadrian could have given me, and it’s made me realise I have to be there for my father. From now on, I have to focus on becoming what Da needs me to be. I have to be stronger, more resilient, and step into the shoes he’s created for me.
From now on, I’ll close my heart to everything else and embrace my family’s legacy.