Chapter 26
twenty-six
JULIAN
6 YEARS EARLIER
How was I going to tell the girl I was in love with that I couldn’t start the life we planned together? I couldn’t, so I pivoted. After lying awake that entire night, I still came up short on what to say to Mila; if she knew the truth about why I was staying, she’d stay back with me, but there was no way I was going to be the one to hold her back from her dreams. There was only one way to get her to leave.
“Don’t hate me forever,” I whispered to myself as I trembled up to her front door where she waited. I selfishly took a moment to soak up how her face lit up the moment she plunged into my arms. I couldn’t do anything but memorize how she was right before I broke her heart.
“I wasn’t expecting you until later. Come on, you can help me pack the rest of my stuff.”
I wanted to stall as much as I could, but the thought of trying to act normal while my heart was heavy made me feel even more shitty. Her face fell when I stopped her from dragging me further. “I can’t go up with you, Mila.”
“Why not?” I couldn’t say the words while looking into her beautiful blue eyes, so I looked down at my feet instead. “I’m not going to New York.”
Any sign of light immediately vanished from her face, and her voice shook as she spoke. “What do you mean? Are you going to drive down another day?” Her optimism was salt in the wound; it meant she never saw my betrayal coming.
“I changed my mind. I don’t want to go.” The lie felt like acid on my tongue. All I wanted to do was hold her, but she flinched when I reached for her, and I felt like I was going to be sick.
“What about everything we talked about? Our plans? Our future? You don’t want that either?”
She could always see right through me, so I kept a straight face as another lie lit my throat on fire. “No.” I’ll never forget the moment I saw her sparkle die, the gut-wrenching feeling I had knowing I was the one who’d killed it.
“Let me get this straight: just yesterday, you seemed pretty set on our future, and today, you show up telling me you’re not. Give me some kind of explanation, Julian. You owe me that.” I watched her struggle to speak through her sobs in agony. Just like I rehearsed. “It’s just happening too fast, Mila. We’re only eighteen and have the rest of our lives planned out. Maybe I want something different.” I didn’t want different. I wanted her , but I knew she wouldn’t get everything she wanted out of her life if she’d stayed in Willow’s Cove, and I wasn’t sure how long I would have to stay behind. If one of us was going to get out, it had to be her.
She sucked her tears back. “Fine. If we’re done, say the words. I won’t be the one to end us.”
I took mental images of every detail of her face in case it was the last time I saw it—ocean blue eyes that reminded me of the waves at the cove, dark brown hair that fell in salty waves, and full lips always swiped with green apple flavored gloss. She swatted my hand away when I tried to caress her naturally rosy cheek, which only made the next words feel heavier.
“We’re done, Mila.”
I didn’t know those three words would echo in my head for years to come, like a recurring nightmare. If we had any chance at a future, I’d stomped on it and lit it on fire, but I knew that was the only way she’d leave.
She straightened her shoulders and wiped any emotion off her face. “I guess it’s settled then. I’m going to New York to start my life, and I hope you figure out what it is you really want out of yours, Julian. I won’t be waiting around if you decide you finally want me.” I’m always going to want you.
While it shattered my heart to see her love for me dim, deep down, I couldn’t help but swell with pride she wasn’t letting me get in the way of her dreams. I would just have to love her the way I loved the waves at the cove—from afar.